| | Hi my name is ... and I'm an alcoholic.
It's the first time that I have ever "said" that. I chose the screen name Tin Woman because that's how I feel. I have no heart and I am an empty shell of a woman. I've known this for a long time. My family wonders why I have become a hermit. I've done this to protect them and myself. I don't want them to see all the ugly that is in my. I smile and act as though it's all ok.
I know that is started when I moved out ten years ago, to help with the lonliness. But the lonliness has been there all my life. It just wan't as evident until I was truely alone. All I do is drink on Friday, but I end up doing things, or saying things, that I would never do sober.
For example: Last Friday, I texted my sister to see if she and I were going to go get a pedicure on Sat. I had asked her a week prior, but never heard from her. She tends to do that, not call or be in touch for a while. She's busy with a husband and three children. She said that she had plans and that was the straw that broke the camels back. I got really mean to her and now she and her husband have told me that I'm not welcome in their house. She thinks I was drunk and I was, almost. I just don't know what to do. For now I will stay away.
I did realize that everthing I said to her, I meant, but never had the guts to say. I have always had very low self esteem. She always seemed like the perfect child and I was the bad one. I still feel like that to this day. I'm the one with problems, still single at 32, she and my mom sew together and because of the kids, she sees my parents a lot more. She alson has never made me think that she likes me or wants my friendship.
So I guess you can say the hurt of her never being what I wanted her to be as a sister, my drinking, my pain and jealousy was a very bad combo.
I know that I am an alcoholic, since I have no friends and I live in seclusion except for work and I look forward all week to drink. Then Saturday I spend on the couch hating life and sometimes Sunday too.
I just don't know where to begin. I have tried to be sober, but I'm even more depressed. When do I get to feel mentally better? People always say that you need to learn to love yourself. And yes I agree with that, but how? I've never been able to figure that out.
If you have any thoughts or advice, please let me know.