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Old 10-10-2010, 12:06 PM   #1
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Hi everyone... Relapse... but hopeful.

I like to be honest and clear in order to help others to learn from my mistakes and maybe I can learn from them myself.

I went to detox in January for an 50-80 mgs of oxy/hydro habit for an on and off period of 10 years, mostly on. I was put on suboxone and was doing excellent. Within a week I was down to 2mgs. During the latter part of January I went off it and had some bad withdrawals, so I decided to go back on to get myself in good mental order ( a step I really never did.. mistake #1)
I was only taking 1-1.5mgs a day until August until the last of my script ran out. I stupidly got my hands on percocets ( mistake # 2) and I was off to the races for the past 1 and a half months.

Well I finished my last script on Friday and again I said enough is enough. I am at 50 hours and I am feeling awful like we all do and I so want to make it through this. I actually HATED taking any narcotic. The high was not worth the anxiety and self loathing I put myself through and I truly never enjoyed taking the dosages anyrmore. I want to be clean. I want to be on my own brain chemisty

Well with day 2 comes all the good stuff. The restlessness, the no sleep, the diarrehea, the depression, and my killer.. anxiety. I am starting to get very weepy at the mess I have made of my life and it gets overwhelming. I am 41 and I feel I have wasted over 10 years of my life that I will never get back, and I am fearful that I have done irreparable damage to my health, both mentally and physically.

My mother passed away 5 years ago on Thanksgiving and I have never really gotten over that. It has changed me. Holidays SUCK. The joys of wonderful Christmas' pass are a distant memory and it saddens me more than I can express in words. My dad is in pretty good health but he wont be around forever and it scares me and depresses me. I am starting to see the early end of deaths of family friends and friends parents and it just makes me an empty sad person.

I know I am focusing on this because I am in withdrawals, but it is painful nonetheless and its ever so present today. I am doing everything I can, like posting here, to focus other than on the horrrendous physical and mental strain I am having now. The honest truth is, I am NOT craving and opiate. The thought of taking one is more overwhelming to me than carrying out this withdrawal and it is not an option.

Thanks for listening. I am hopeful. I have been through this before and have been clean for many stints of many months. And it is during those times I really enjoy how I feel. I do not say that with 20/20 vision. I recognize at those exact times how much better life is that I have been off narcotics. I start doing things instead of isolating myself with my DOC.

Thanks for listening and I hope everyone is well

 
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Old 10-14-2010, 04:10 PM   #2
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Re: Hi everyone... Relapse... but hopeful.

Addiction is horrible...41 is when I stopped drinking. I have 5 years now...and I have depressive thoughts for other reasons...mostly because I don't handle "life" very well. But, being clean is a guarantee for a longer life because if I didn't stop drinking 5 years ago....i would be dead now for 4 years and 11 months. I KNOW IT.

You said it...you are mainly depressed now because of the withdrawals...if you continue on the path to recovery...your days will become brighter and so will your future. Good luck to you with this struggle. Dont give up...don't let the addiction WIN....You know you can do it, you sound like you want to and you have good knowledge of what is happening to you.
Alot of people give in because they don't recognize the feelings they are having as withdrawal...they think the tough feelings are what it is like to live without using....they get uncomfortable and use again. Your much to smart for that...you know why you feel like you feel....so you have an advantage of kicking the habit that others may not have.
Take care

 
Old 10-14-2010, 04:23 PM   #3
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Re: Hi everyone... Relapse... but hopeful.

Thanks Missy. I recognize all the WD symptoms. Well due to a dangerously close possibility of losing my job if I call in sick one more time, I went back on the percocets the other day until the end of next week when I start my 2 week vacation. This way I can have the time off to handle the WDS and get a plan going. I always start to feel better on day 4. I did have to go to the ER after I originally posted on Sunday because I was so dehydrated and full of anxiety. They gave me a bag of fluids and IV ativan. She gave me 10 xanax to go home with so i will use those to help me sleep next week.

So i am taking about 30-40 mgs of oxycodone to just keep me from getting sick until next week. I am not enjoying it and I have no desire to take any more than that.

 
Old 10-14-2010, 05:23 PM   #4
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Re: Hi everyone... Relapse... but hopeful.

Hi - I totally understand that on day 4 you start to feel better. Hurry up vacation! That always used to happen to me...except it was by day 3 I felt better...Day 4 and 5 I was strong and then on Day 6...I would think....well, I'll do it next week and I would drink again. So, I'm worried that you are setting yourself up....don't beat yourself up if you do not succeed next week or the 2nd week, you are putting alot of pressure on yourself. Its a good sign that you are thinking about quitting....you want to quit and you have to believe that you eventually WILL quit. I hope it is during your vacation. But, because we are addicted...funny, baffling things happen....I don't want to say you are not going to quit in the 2 weeks...I just want to say that if you don't....just keep trying....It sounds like you have the WILL and the WANT...and those are two very important things to fighting this disease.
Good luck to you

 
Old 10-14-2010, 06:06 PM   #5
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Re: Hi everyone... Relapse... but hopeful.

Thanks again Missy. I am committed to it believe me. The only reason that I went back on the percocets is because of the grave situation I put myself in from calling in sick. Had it not been for that I would have been on day 7. I travel for a living so it just wasnt safe for me to be up in the air all over the country while withdrawling.

I really do hate taking the percocets. The anxiety associated with taking them has really messed up my psyche over the last year. I do not get high at all from them and I have never increased my dosage over my 10 years because I am scared of OD'ing. I will be glad to be on vacation and WD at home and I know, never say never, but I can not stand what it has done to my life and I am ready for it to be over.

 
Old 10-14-2010, 10:03 PM   #6
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Re: Hi everyone... Relapse... but hopeful.

Losing your mother and being addicted to narcs---you probably did not go through the steps of grieving as you would when you are clean and sober. You can do this. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. I hope if the depression does not go away or gets to be too much for you to handle that you will consider seeing someone for it. It takes courage to go through what you are and you are doing a great job. Walk the floor if you have to just do not go back on the percocets. Also, do not detox too fast. You may want to spread it out a bit due to the anxiety. Sincerely, searchin

 
Old 10-15-2010, 08:28 AM   #7
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Re: Hi everyone... Relapse... but hopeful.

Hi there i read your posts and i truly believe you want to quit and i pray that your willpower will kick into HIGH gear when you are on vacation and you can kick this addiction once and for all. maybe you can go to some NA meetings to help you out.you don't have to stand up and give your name or tell your story if you don't feel comfortable doing so you can just sit and listen and i'm sure you will realize that you are NOT alone in this fight and other people will reach out to help you. i have lost my mother too and it does SUCK but i also lost my dad last year so you can imagine how MUCH that SUCKS!!! so get yourself clean and enjoy the rest of your life with the people you love,make what time is here count.Best of luck to you,keep the faith!! PLEASE keep me posted. until next time TAKE CARE!!!!

 
Old 10-15-2010, 09:08 AM   #8
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Re: Hi everyone... Relapse... but hopeful.

musicman3;

Hi
I was just wondering if your doctor might give you a low dose of xanax or another type of benzodiazepam to help with the anxiety? If you felt less anxious, maybe it would be easier to come through the withdrawals.....as you know. I am on day 2 of Suboxone......still feeling anxious....but I will take my xanax as needed for this.
Christine

Last edited by mod-anon; 10-15-2010 at 11:57 AM. Reason: Please use the Quick Reply button instead of Quote Reply.

 
Old 10-15-2010, 10:14 AM   #9
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Re: Hi everyone... Relapse... but hopeful.

Hey,

I'm Derick and I've abused oxy 80's,benzo's and subs for about 7 years and before that it was alcohol. But 5 1/2 months ago I decided I couldn't live like this anymore, hurting myself, no self worth and dignity, plus all the wreckage I've created in the past " COMPLETE LOSER, NO GOOD i would tell myself". Not just the disease of addiction was keeping me using but it was also all the resentments from the past. I was completely empty inside, my anxiety and depression was so bad i've had suicide attempts, my father killed himself by gun and my mother is also an alcoholic/addict "in treatment". I haven't grieved over my father's death, i've always just numbed myself with drugs.

5 1/2 months ago I went into detox and they tapered me down with a 35mg dose of methadone and cut it back 5 mg's everyday. Once the methadone taper was finished that's when all my feelings hit me, from all the years of burying them and bottling them up, they hit me all at once like a sack of brick, I've never cried so hard in my life, there's 1 good thing and one bad thing with getting your feelings back, the one good thing is you get your feelings back and the bad thing is you get your feelings back. The only thing that kept me clean was a little glimpse of hope and i white knuckled it. The hardest thing I've done in my life and also the best. Being on suboxone or methadone for maintenance is strongly not recommended, statistics show there is a lot of people that end up going back out there and i myself have seen this, i live in a city where there is a lot of recovery and a lot of addicts everywhere. I seen your post and it said "hopeful" and i liked it, it caught my eye because today i have hope, the past is depressing and the future is anxiety so keep it in the day it is hard but remember one thing, it most definitely 100% gets better and worth it, being clean is like a drug itself...I had to write this quick so sorry if it's scattered...God bless and feel free to message me about anything..Find some meetings!!
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Old 10-15-2010, 04:33 PM   #10
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Re: Hi everyone... Relapse... but hopeful.

Like I said you sound commited to quitting....and that is awesome. I wish you the best....because the way you feel now s*cks.
And you know it can be better and I know that too.....I hope that you are a "fellow" recoverie....soon.

 
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Old 10-15-2010, 05:32 PM   #11
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Re: Hi everyone... Relapse... but hopeful.

Oh I will be. I know down the road I will be ok. Right now, I have no choice to take my oxycodone until the end of next week until I start vacation. I am taking around 40mgs and not enjoying it at all. I feel like I am in a limbo-land. I will be sick without it and I am sick with it. But as I said, for the past 1-2 years, there really has not been any enjoyment in taking the narcotics. It gives me so much anxiety.

So when I quit next week, I have ambiem, xanax, and adderall to help. I have never abused any of the three and only take them so seldomly. I know it is important to not substitute one addiction for another. I have had 10 ambien for the past 4 months. The xanax I got from the hospital last week and only took one. The bottle of 30 adderall has lasted me 6 months, so there really is no need to worry

 
Old 10-16-2010, 09:02 AM   #12
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Re: Hi everyone... Relapse... but hopeful.

musicman3;

ambien,xanax and adderall...yikes, thats very concerning
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Last edited by mod-anon; 10-16-2010 at 10:58 AM. Reason: Please use the Quick Reply button instead of Quote Reply.

 
Old 10-16-2010, 10:14 AM   #13
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Re: Hi everyone... Relapse... but hopeful.

Its what I have.. It doesn't mean I will take them as I do not take them now. My bet is that I am going to have to use some of the xanax for sleep and anxiety. I probably will not need the other 2.

 
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