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Old 10-11-2010, 11:01 PM   #1
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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kellai81 HB User
I don't know what to do. I want to run.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel so guilty about all the things I've done. I feel like a bad person. I'm an addict and an alcoholic. I've been to rehab, in psych wards, arrested and I can't stop messing up. I'm so ashamed. I just don't know what to do. I don't even know how to explain all the things I've done, I just know they are wrong. Crimes against myself. Example....woke up the other day with no clothes on at this guys house I've hung out with a few times. I don't remember anything. I asked if we had sex and he said yes. I'm so ashamed. Another example: I left work the other day cause I was so sick from being drunk the night before and I went and started to get drunk again right after I left. I feel like I can't live with myself anymore. I just don't know what to do. I live in such a small town and it feels like everyone knows what I've done and all the bad things I've done. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm in drug and alcohol treatment and I feel like I can't be honest with my counselor. I'm off all of my medication and trying to get re-diagnosed. I don't like the person I saw(moms dr). I just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't control anything I do. Ever. I'll feel guilty for a few days and won't drink, but then it goes away and I get hammered for a week. I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. I don't want to live her anymore. I want to run away. What am I supposed to do? I feel so disgusting and I hate myself. I really do. I hate myself and all of the things I've done. I need help but when I try to get it I just go right back to doing what I've been doing. God I'm going to freak out. What do I DO?

 
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Old 10-11-2010, 11:49 PM   #2
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kellai81 HB User
Re: I don't know what to do. I want to run.

Thank you for your reply. I do not trust other people like you said. I was molested from the time I was 8 until I was 14 by my adopted uncle. I don't think about it much anymore, but when I started to drink really heavily a few years ago (I'm 22) I was thinking about it, constantly. I have a best friend, but she isn't speaking to me, and I don't think she understands what it's like to have this addiction. She was the first person I told about me being molested. She looked a bunch of stuff up and told me it was common for molest victims to be very promiscuous. Mind you, I didn't lose my "virginity" until I was almost 19. She sticks up for me alot and now she isn't speaking to me cause I keep doing these horrible things to myself and I cry and cry and say I want to stop. It's so hard to stop. It's so pathetic but its true...: I drink because I'm unhappy, but I'm unhappy because I drink. That's the best way I can think of putting it. I've tried doing other things instead of drinking. I was sober for almost 100 days and I felt good. But on my 90 day mark I decided to get high. Then a bit after that I decided to have a drink....which has turned into me picking up right where I left off, then some. I refused to take those drugs to help me stop drinking (stupidly) and I regret that. Now I have to go back and get re-prescribed for them. I was thinking about them today actually, which is funny you should mention it.

When I say my town is small....it's not an exaggeration. My town has around 1000 people. There's only a handful my age that don't drink and do drugs and they want nothing to do with a person like me. I've been in and out of AA and I'm the youngest one there so it's difficult. I've tried the writing down of the things I like about myself, and yes there are a few, but the negative things outnumber the positive. I try to do things to better myself but I feel like I get easily disappointed and I turn to drinking and drugs to not feel stressed about little things.

I've also been drinking since I was young. I was 9 when I first got really drunk. Courtesy of my dad. He is a recovering alcoholic(just had 9 years) and he wasn't supposed to drink around us kids so when my older siblings went to friends he would buy me a bottle of Jack and a bottle of Diet Dr Pepper and call it my Dr Whiskey. He used to cry in my arms and tell me how sorry he was about the way he was and not to tell on him. We have a pretty good relationship now, but I guess it will never be as good as a "normal" father daughter relationship.

And the sex thing....I don't like how many people I've had sex with(not even sure how many it is). Actually it disgusts me. But when I get drunk I just do it. I can't explain why and the next day I feel so ashamed. I've never had sober sex before. I get tested for STD's every few months and luckily I don't have anything. I did have something once but I took medication and haven't gotten it since. That was when I was 19.

I just don't know what to do. I literally want to run away to another state where nobody knows me and just start fresh and just not tell anybody about anything. I know I'm not a dumb person. Granted, I am a college dropout, but one of the reasons I left college was for drinking and drugs. Hard drugs...heroin. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I always say that. I like my counselor....I just feel so ashamed saying it out in the open. The things I've done I mean. I decided to stay home tonight and yet again I'm drinking and feeling bad for myself. I just figured I'd give this a shot. Thank you for your input. Any other advice is appreciated. I'm gonna do the list thing again. Maybe somethings changed and I'm just not seeing it. Thanks again.

 
Old 10-13-2010, 05:19 PM   #3
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Location: Providence, Rhode Island
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Misssty HB UserMisssty HB UserMisssty HB UserMisssty HB UserMisssty HB UserMisssty HB User
Re: I don't know what to do. I want to run.

Hi:
You need to get medical help. First you have to detox and then if you can find a treatment center for 2 weeks or more that would be really good. The only way you are going to feel better, is if you stop drinking.
I promise...you have to be willing to go to any lengths to get better...make a decision....attend AA meetings....90 in 90 days usually starts to work for most people. I started that way...I have 5 years sober....I sounded very much like you at the end of my drinking. AA isn't great..but it has kept me from drinking for 5 years....please go for help...that is the only way you will stop the vicious cycle.

 
Old 10-13-2010, 07:05 PM   #4
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kellai81 HB User
Re: I don't know what to do. I want to run.

Misssy2;

Thanks for the reply. My counselor told me today that she wants me back in rehab because she thinks I'm going nowhere fast and I've gotten a lot worse then when she first met me about a year ago. It's court ordered why I go to drug and alcohol treatment to see her anyway. She said we have to make a decision tomorrow on what I'm doing. The place she wants me to go is a month program and after that I would have to go to a halfway house and supportive living for at least 6 months. I'm petrified to do that. I don't want to leave my animals behind. That's the only thing holding me back. Animals are the most important thing in my life.

Tomorrow I'm going to strike a deal with her. I'm going to tell her that I will come in 3 times a week and she can **** test me, and if once I test positive for alcohol I will go to rehab no questions asked and do the whole thing. I honestly do not want to go back. I don't want to leave my job either. I've already left them a few times when I was in and out of psych wards and previous rehab. Not to mention me being a dick and being sick at work so many times and leaving sometimes because of it.

I just couldn't get into AA when I went. I knew most of the people anyway, and I work at a gas station and I would see them come in and buy beer from me, and then see them at a meeting "celebrating" certain sobriety points. It pretty much turned me off to the whole thing, which is another reason why I think I relapsed. Ugh. I'm so stressed out over everything. It's terrible. I know I've done it to myself though.

On the plus side, I've been hanging out with this guy for the past few days and he doesn't drink and doesn't really want me to drink at all either. Last night for example he picked me up and asked what I wanted to do and my instant reply was "lets go get beer!" and he just shook his head and was like "I knew you couldn't do it." Kind of made me feel like a dick. I got beer anyway though just cause I was all anxious about being with him sober. I've never been with a guy when there wasn't drinking involved, so I dunno how this is going to turn out, but it kind of gives me a little hope. Thanks again for your reply.

Last edited by mod-anon; 10-13-2010 at 10:23 PM. Reason: removed quote

 
Old 10-14-2010, 07:41 AM   #5
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: colorado
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mindy1974 HB User
Re: I don't know what to do. I want to run.

girl i have done all that and more, nothing you wrote about took me be surprise or disgusted me. i still slip with the sex stuff but for the most part life is calm and happy. my need to totally black out is gone. i took all the help i could get. aa, na, alanon, therapy, church, everything. felt like nothing helped but without my knowing it i changed SLOOOOOOWLY. your a beautiful girl but you dont know that. your loved and lovable but you dont know that. you need to know that at your core.
keep getting help. you MUST find one person you can tell the truth to. not a friend or a family member, they will burn out. find a therapist or a program person. i lied all the time to my therapist but always told him the truth the next week. he saved my life because he never judged me never pushed me away.
don't stop trying dont give up on yourself.

 
Old 10-14-2010, 05:36 PM   #6
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Misssty HB UserMisssty HB UserMisssty HB UserMisssty HB UserMisssty HB UserMisssty HB User
Re: I don't know what to do. I want to run.

Hi there:
You said ANIMALS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE.
This is where you need help....you NEED to be the most important thing in YOUR LIFE.
You were saying how awful you felt and how you wanted to stop. The disease...wants you to keep using.
Your counselor is right...please listen to her and to to a rehab for a month.
You sound like you are ready to get better...so now is the best time to get involved in treatment...because this disease is so crazy...you may never get to the point of wanting to get better again. You can find something to do with your animals.....you NEED to do this. I tell you this from experience....I don't know you at all...but I do know alot about this disease...I am 46 years old...tried to quit 9 times thru my 20's and 30's....then I didn't FEEL LIKE IT...and it took like 10 years from the last time I WANTED to quit to the next time I WANTED to quit...I don't know why but the desire to QUIT dissappears quickly....Hold on to it while you have it and take the suggestion that your counselor is giving you...Your animals will wait and they will have a healthier, happier MOM

 
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