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Old 11-13-2010, 11:19 PM   #1
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125 days clean...oh hell!

I have been a cocaine addict for years. I (like most) started slowly until about 3 years ago when I couldnt have enough of it.

I am a professional and have owned my own business for a few years. 3 years ago, my problem progressed passed the point of no return. In July, I was arrested when purchasing and subsequently spent 10 days in the local jail.

Those were the best 10 days of my entire life. I cleaned up. I sobered up for the first time in years. I have not touched it since. Problem now is I am ANGRY at the world. I have lost my business (its a good thing) and now I find myself hating those I "partied" with and want nothing to do with them.

My anger extends into my personal life with family and friends. I don't want to be constantly reminded of how bad I was or how hooked I got. I NEVER lied, cheated or stole for my habit. I owe nothing to anyone (or am I wrong).

Do I deserve to hear these things of a person I no longer am? Some stories I truly don't remember but I do know I missed a lot of family time. I am in a relationship that is coming to an end and I feel terrible but I don't deserve this! Or do I?

Does anyone know if it's normal to resent the loved ones for conveying their feelings of hurt? I grew up with "put up or shut up". Take it or leave it. If I ****** you off that bad, move on.

I will never resort to drugs ever again. I deserve better.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 08-09-2011 at 04:52 PM. Reason: Identifying information removed.

 
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Old 11-14-2010, 12:23 PM   #2
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Re: 125 days clean...oh hell!

Hey Corissa,

First of all, congratulations on 125 days clean. That's an amazing accomplishment

No, you do not deserve to be reminded of your "bad days." You are clean now and your family should respect that. Getting clean is one of the hardest things a person will ever go through. Unfortunately, alot of people aren't educated enough to understand this.

If there's any chance they will go... I recommend you find an al-anon or nar-anon meeting. This is a place for the family/friends of the addict to attend and learn about addiction.

If you don't think they will go... Try sitting down with all of them and have a calm conversation. Tell them that you are proud of yourself and you'd like them to be proud of you too. Don't get upset, regardless of what they say. Just stay calm but be firm. Tell them if they can't accept your requests then you don't want anything to do with them cause your recovery is #1 right now and nothing else. Anything you put in front of your recovery, you will eventually lose anyway. It's a fact. You need to be selfish right now and keep only positive pepole/things in your life.

It's hard to feel pride when we have so many people dumping on us. You need to take control and do something about it.

Good luck, Corissa. Keep in touch and let us know how it goes.

With admiration,
emsmom

 
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Old 11-14-2010, 03:40 PM   #3
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Re: 125 days clean...oh hell!

Did you ever apologize? I'm not an expert but I think one of the steps of AA is to make amends to the person you wronged. And a part of growing up is to realize it's whether they perceive you wronged them, not whether you perceived you wronged them. If you were in the addiction stage you might not be the best judge of whether you were a problem to them or not. If you have taken that step, individually made amends and they continue to bring it up, then you are absolutely right. You should not have to apologize over and over for an old mistake. But unless people truly believe you are sorry for any wrongs you may have committed, they actually will keep harping on it. They won't let something go unless they've been asked to let it go.

oh, and I agree that 125 days is amazing. Congratulations. But again, to the person who is not the one fighting the addiction, 125 days isn't that long of a window of time for all to be forgotten. Just my opinion.

Last edited by resolution09; 11-14-2010 at 03:43 PM. Reason: afterthought

 
Old 11-14-2010, 05:33 PM   #4
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Re: 125 days clean...oh hell!

The good news is...you sound ready to recover. The bad news is...ANGER is part of the recovery process. I am sober 5 years...for about 3 years....I was ANGRY...I still have some anger...but nothing like the RAW anger I held onto for about 3 years....Its you not being numb....its you having to hear all this crap about the damage you have caused...or whatever you are hearing. Its people getting used to the NEW you..some of them are jealous...its you beating yourself up for things that you feel bad about and wish you didn't...its you realizing how much of your life you were wasted and how much of it you can't get back. Its raw feelings..its you not numbing. It really is a hard thing to go thru..and it feels awful. But, you will get thru it eventually...there are stages to recovery..you are in the early stages...I suggest you "google" PAWS....PAWS is "Post Accute Withdrawal Syndrome"...your body and brain can actually take up to a year to START healing. Don't jump into apologizing for anything yet. Take some time to go easy on yourself...Take the time to appreciate what you are doing for yourself...At 125 days you really don't have any idea yet how to make an amends or if you even WANT to make an amends for anything. You probably feel now that getting sober is enough of an amends and IT VERY WELL MAY BE.....time will tell...but I learned that I really didn't know what was going on with ME or the real world until I was at least 2.5 years sober..thats when you can start thinking about FIXING THINGS or NOT FIXING things.
Hang tough...don't give in....I read that you said you got to a bad point. Addiction is progressive...it will not get BETTER if you go back to it....it only gets worse. Congratulations on 125 days....

 
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Old 11-14-2010, 07:59 PM   #5
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Re: 125 days clean...oh hell!

It's incredible how true that is. I am and have been beating myself up over this because it's incredibly embarrassing for me to have done this to my friends, family and myself. With each passing day, I realize it's without a doubt time for me to move on. I know I need to relocate as just yesterday I was confronted by someone making false accusations that I sold drugs to kids?? This of course could not be further from the truth. I live in a small tight community and gossip and rumours are rampant. I don't want to give in and leave but it's my only option... I've done too much to repair the damage. Currently, I am going thru a program with CAMH for cocaine addiction and within the next few weeks, I will be in their in patient program.. That will be a good break prior to actually moving away.

I don't know if the anger will ever go away, for now it feels like there is no end in sight but I will try. Thanks for the response, it brought tears to my eyes because its so hard when you feel you are alone.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Misssy2 View Post
The good news is...you sound ready to recover. The bad news is...ANGER is part of the recovery process. I am sober 5 years...for about 3 years....I was ANGRY...I still have some anger...but nothing like the RAW anger I held onto for about 3 years....Its you not being numb....its you having to hear all this crap about the damage you have caused...or whatever you are hearing. Its people getting used to the NEW you..some of them are jealous...its you beating yourself up for things that you feel bad about and wish you didn't...its you realizing how much of your life you were wasted and how much of it you can't get back. Its raw feelings..its you not numbing. It really is a hard thing to go thru..and it feels awful. But, you will get thru it eventually...there are stages to recovery..you are in the early stages...I suggest you "google" PAWS....PAWS is "Post Accute Withdrawal Syndrome"...your body and brain can actually take up to a year to START healing. Don't jump into apologizing for anything yet. Take some time to go easy on yourself...Take the time to appreciate what you are doing for yourself...At 125 days you really don't have any idea yet how to make an amends or if you even WANT to make an amends for anything. You probably feel now that getting sober is enough of an amends and IT VERY WELL MAY BE.....time will tell...but I learned that I really didn't know what was going on with ME or the real world until I was at least 2.5 years sober..thats when you can start thinking about FIXING THINGS or NOT FIXING things.
Hang tough...don't give in....I read that you said you got to a bad point. Addiction is progressive...it will not get BETTER if you go back to it....it only gets worse. Congratulations on 125 days....

Last edited by corissa3; 11-14-2010 at 08:01 PM.

 
Old 11-15-2010, 02:41 AM   #6
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Re: 125 days clean...oh hell!

your welcome...it is rotten that people are accussing you..I can also identify with that. I'm 46 and my son is 25...he is recently trying to stop doing drugs...and everything that happens in his neighborhood is blamed on him. His neighbor had flat tires the other day...after they had an argument....my son is out on bail....I had to retain a lawyer so that he had a chance of staying out of jail...Later in the day it was found out that MANY cars on the street had damage...spray paint, flat tires...it was a random conincidental act...my sons girl and baby have just left him....he can barely get off the couch...never mind run around the neighborhood causing childish malicious damage. But, because of his PAST drug use and cops all the time....he is the FOCUS of th neighborhood. Its not fair..but we have to unfortunetly prove ourselves to SOME people...And actually I take that BACK...we only have to stay SOBER...and the right things will happen. Because he is SOBER he is ok...he did not get arrested....I'm still out 400 for the lawyer...but it was worth it...because no one had faith in me that I was going to stop drinking, I drank for 20 plus years....and it took a good year before alot of people in my life started giving me any credit. They don't trust us and that is because drug users and alcoholics are liers.....and it takes a long time for people to realize that we are not THOSE people anymore. Keep doing the right things...right things will eventually happen. Its not going to be easy...it took us a long time to get as bad as we get...Its going to take some TIME to get better. TIME is the four letter word of recovery (which you will also realize).

 
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