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Old 02-04-2011, 02:31 PM   #151
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Re: Second Go

Ravensgirl you are so lucky to work from home. I wish I could find something to do from home because I can't work at all and haven't been able to for a long time. I just don't know what I could do at home though. You sound like you are doing great. I hope your side is okay and that ankle will not be so bothersome. As far as friends go, I have found that there really aren't too many people out there that you can count on. When the going gets tough, they get going. I had a bad experience with someone who i thought was my bestest friend in the world and she turned on me like a rabid dog one time. It really hurt me and I have had trouble trusting anyone since. I just don't let people real close. I have family though that I hang with so it is all good. well i am gonna go and rest and do some school with my youngest. he is homeschooled and we havent got much done today. luckily we work on the laptop under the covers when it is yucky and rainy outside.

 
Old 02-05-2011, 12:52 AM   #152
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Re: Second Go

oxygirl, what is fibromyalgia exactly? i have a friend who has something she told me the other day, and it sounded like that. She has aches all over and shes just 23. She is depresssed everyday and spends most of her day in bed/also has anxiety.

Her doc has prescribed her clonazepam, and she says they do nothing for her. I need to sit and talk w her some more about what it is she has, and what her doctor is doing to help her because she is not functioning as she should be.

Withdrawal is no joke, boy im on day 18, and am just now starting to feel back to normal. I guess us addicts will never feel normal (in the sense that we will never crave our drug of choice). Its kind of like we've been corrupted, or corrupted ourselves, and let ourselves into this world that isnt easy to escape. I believe that world and my world now run parallel and are both part of me, its just that right now I choose to take this path, because the other one has become so self-defeating. I was lieing, wasting money, losing interest in thinhgs i used to love, and friendships got sour quick. You dont think youre affecting your frinds but they are really worried about us.

It shouldnt take a show like intervention so let us see that there are people who want us off these drugs (they know we're doing them too guys! we;re not fooling anyone) and if we are fooling anyone, its ourselves, because not telling a close friend, is like lieing to them, and lieing to yourself.

But our egos dont want to hear any of that BS, we just want to know when the next chance we cn score is, and how much money we have, and how long that will last us, until we can score again. And if we arent able to score, then our entire day is shot, dont even bother trying to ask me to do anything today...I dont have my drugs, so I cant function. Its such a crappy cycle.

I remember one day (actually numerous days) I was taking the bus in the morning to score, and it was raining, and my girlfriend had my car, and I was in skid row, at 8 am. and i didnt care as long as I had my ipod and fifty bucks to get my drugs. That is ALL i cared about, nothing else. I scored, put on my headphones and took a drive on the bus, I didnt cre where the heck it was going, I was just conent to be 'out of it'. I didnt think my health was good; i didnt care...well I cared until i got my pill, then the worry was gone. And that was soo different from the way I was used to living.

I look back on those times with no emotion. Not sad that I was so low, not happy that I was getting away with something sneaky, not depressed cause i was some 'loser', I just look back on it like wow I am so glad im not there now. I kicked the habit, then started running eventually, buiding uo my heart strength again. I had a few games of b ball with my friends....three weeks earlier I didnt think I could run without passing out from exhaustion.

Then I stated running the laps around the school track. That was 'my' time, id leave my gf in the morning around 9 am, and she'd text me like 'where are you?' I said runnning laps, she almost didnt believe me until she heard the seriousness in my voice.

well Im at that point again this second time around, and im ready to go run some laps tommorrow. Couldnt do it 2 weeks ago. Just goes to show how you can go from one place in life to another, in such a relatively small time, if you put your mind to it; or ask for help.

My biggest concern back when I was addicted was that I thought I'd be on drugs forever, because i didnt want to face withdrawals. I thought Id be on a pill everday for the rest of my life, there are some people who rely on drugs everyday, I thought I'd just join the club. Im 35 now, and I am off pills, I wont be joining that club anytime soon (and im not talking about people with ailments that depend on them getting that drug. Im talking about addicts, that are so far along, that recovery isnt really an option for them.

But here;s a question. Is there really a point of no return?, where an addict can no longer say 'okay ill go to treatment'. This is a serious question and I ask it from a medical standpoint. are there patients that have such weak systems that their body wouldnt be able to handle a detox and withdrawal?

Day 19 tommorrow and I am going running. Dont get me wrong my mood is still up and down...right now i am straight faced, and I know a lot of us are. The smiles and laughs will come back, but theres a few stages Ive got to get through still before im there. wait, yeah I did laugh a few times today.. maybe these stages dont take as long as we think they will.

On a side note: I have a half-brother who has been in and out of the hospital recently;he is a five years younger than me, and my sister tells me he was/is on heroin, and it was weakening his heart. We've never been that close, but I think nows the time to spend more time with them.

long post over, and Im tired, goodnite y'all.

 
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Old 02-05-2011, 08:01 AM   #153
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Re: Second Go

Thank you Ravensgirl. I am in a better mood today. I think all that rain yesterday got to me. I am running low on my meds so I am going to cut down some. That is really when I have to cut down. lol. I was reading something second go wrote about being corrupted by the opiates and I really think he is right. It is almost like there is life before and life after. Sounds crazy don't it? Second go, fibromyalgia is awful. There is a lot of body aches but the worst part for me is the chronic fatigue. You feel like you could sleep 20 hours and still need another 8. You do have a lot of depression and anxiety with it also. I have never been one to be depressed but this stuff gets you down. Also, I am not sure if my depression is from some of my personal problems too. I just know that I hate being tired.

Tell your friend to find a good psychiatrist and also a pcp (primary care physician). He will refer her to an arthritis doctor who can help with the fibromyalgia. I think fibromyalgia is such a combination of things and it affects each person differently.

Second go, keep running. Running or any kind of aerobic exercise is good for the natural endorphins (pain relievers). It almost mimics the oxys. well not necessarily in the same way.

you guys have been great to talk to. i love to hear your success stories. second go you are one of the strongest will guys i know and ravensgirl, you also have a lot of willpower cause i know that you are still having trouble with that ankle and it is so easy to just take a pill to feel better. just keep up the faith yall. i am going to get off here and take a short nap and then try to tackle my kitchen. I think my son had a midnight party in there! he has dishes everywhere and tv dinner boxes. He is going to help clean. He just don't know it yet. lol good day yall....

 
Old 02-05-2011, 10:06 AM   #154
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Re: Second Go

haha he has it cmin huh?! And thanks, yes oxygirl, that is exactly what she has, fibromyagia; for a while i thought she was faking something so that id get her meds. Do you find that there are any meds that work specifically for the fibromyalgia? I know you said its different for everyone but im just curious, I wouldnt tell her to go on anything, Im not a doc; and she has a docs appointment today or tommorrow i think.

Well its 9 am and Im about to head off to work. 2 more days and its my days off. cant wait. have good one guys

 
Old 02-05-2011, 02:28 PM   #155
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Re: Second Go

Well trust me the doc that diagnosed her will help her with something. Ironically though, they usually do not prescribe narcotics for fibromyalgia. I was prescribed because of my arthritis and herniating discs. They usually try Lyrica. The main thing also is the depression and the anxiety. Now they may give her a SSRI med like zoloft of prozac or lexapro and also give her something like ativan to start with. It is usually trial and error. If she has an mri and they discover other things are wrong in addition to the fibromyalgia they may give a lortab or something. But generally speaking most of them do not give something for just fibro. Tell her to have them check her vitamin d levels. You are in Canada right? I am betting the sun is stingy this time of year. Some studies have shown that fibro patients have deficient vitamin d levels. something to think about. for all of us really. I wish her luck cause this stuff stinks. like i said the chronic fatigue that goes hand in hand with it is what gets me the most.

 
Old 02-06-2011, 08:32 AM   #156
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Re: Second Go

7 am - Day 19 today, I remember saying several pages back that I wanted to be one of those people who come on and say "hey day 20 and still clean".

well I put that goal out there and I willl be saying that tommorrow (If I make it!) just kidding. I work today, I have been nursing a tooth ache for the last 3/4 days and it gives me a mild headache on the right side...aint that a B#@!@#? Im trying to get these pain meds off my mind completely and here comes a g/d toothache, I gotta get it checked out mon or tuesday. hope its jsut a cavity, and not my wisdom teeth coming in. But at this point who cares I m ready for whatever. It would just be nice if it just went away, and i could complete Day 20 in peace.

My mood is getting better. Ive paid most of my bills, thats a good feeling. dont get me wrong I owe Master Card like a MF!, but everything else we got under control pretty much. one more day of work then i can relax and do music, or hit that dental chair, hmmmm what wud i rather dooooo? dunno get back to you on that. time to get up, take my vitamins, eat some breakfast (which i never used ti do) but it makes a world of difference on my energy for the day.

How r yall doin?, hittin any snags, depression settin in (i have depressed half hour stages throught the day, but I know why there there so I let them pass without thinking too much about it), anyone make a huge leap in proress? lemme hear it! ill be bored around 4 hrs from now and will want to read something. Ill try to have a story for ya by then too!

 
Old 02-06-2011, 09:54 PM   #157
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Re: Second Go

8:30 pm - and im gettin ready for bed. Today at work was hell. I wont get into it, but Im off tommorrow which makes all of it irrelevant.

Still mood swingy, but who isnt right? I did manage to run two laps around a track today, as I said I would, and oh! tommmorrow I get to say it dont i?

I said pages back that I want to be one of those guys who say Day 20 opiate free. Well tommorrow I can say that and it will feel damn good. settling little goals is important i think....it gives you something to push for, if you are someone who still likes to chalenge yourself. Some people give up up on challenging themselves and I think thats a shame. I mean Im not the most athletic person, so a marathon, no im not aiming for something like that or skydiving, gimme a break, id get zero satisfaction out of that. But things like this, things Ive accomplished with music and people I do music with, keeps me pushing and I still have drive in me.

I used to to be driven by women, that was a fun challenge. But it got too easy just kidding. No, but seriously breaking through and talking to a girl for a lot of people is difficult, I never had a problem with that, now that gave me confidence. and confidence takes you far in life. Everyone gets their confidence from somewhere else, you name it, wins build confidence, and if you win and dont see it as a confidence booster, than what a waste of time. cause being confident can open doors to a lot of things in life you might not consciosly think about. and if you think of yourself as a constant loser, then doors will be shut every time. Im veering off a bit but you get my drift.

Give yourself some credit sometimes, your allowed to do that; i do it all the time! Call it cocky arrogant, I dont give a u know what, ill just be runnin in the front with the winners. Thats not to say I dont take losses here and there, thats part of being human, and if you dont recognize a loss, than youre egocentric and dillusional. I dont aim to be either of those traits.

So Hows people doin with their addictions? I havnt touched benzos in bout 8 days, they dont even affect me, so whatever, they might have helped me sleep alittle smoother one night or two, but I didi not develop a habit with them. I as talking to a guy the other day, he said that he just popped 7 clonazepams and 3 restorils, and he wanted more restorils. I was like what! I take a restoril and fall asleep, he said "me my system its like I need them to maintain", he was also on methadone daily. His tolerance must be so that the drugs barely affect him anymore. and all that money he's puttin out to just feel normal, that was close to $15 and that was just to start the day. Thats another reason I decided to quit it all. The wasted hard earned money is mindblowing.

Last edited by second go; 02-06-2011 at 10:15 PM.

 
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Old 02-07-2011, 04:47 AM   #158
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Re: Second Go

its 3:30 am dunno why im up..but have to make this post. ITS DAY 20 AND NO OPIATES!!!! for those following, you'll get it. it would make me envious to see people make their progress and I just wanted to be able to say this!

Now..hmmm I want to be one of those guys who says "three weeks clean off of everything including benzos" goal no. 2!

mark my words, and guys this works in life to, if you want something imagine it, i remember this one girl I met, that kept brushing me off, and I knew that she would eventually like me and my humour so i stuck at it (not my gf unfortunatley) and well, lets just say I set a goal, played well, and scored. but thats another topic. Totally relatable tho. At one point she even said "dont call me ever again!". Most guys would stop there, well im not a creep, so I felt no hestation in trying again.

Today is my day off..hmmmwhat to do..oh those guys that recorded last week were so happy with what we did, that were booked again for tuesday, another easy $200 bucks, im stoked, gon run some more laps today. I might sound like 'energetic boy' believe me I used to be (like last year) the most lazy, procrastinating, annoying to my gf, kinda guy ther is; getting off drugs really gives you life back, i didnt think it would be like that for me, but trust me it is. back to bed for 3 hrs, just had to make that annnouncement that I had aimed to do way back!



















;

 
Old 02-07-2011, 02:08 PM   #159
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Re: Second Go

second, so glad to hear you talking like this! so positive. and i'm happy you have a gf you love and stand by as she stands by you--i hate to say ditto on the dating thing, but i totally hear ya. just can be too easy to turn to that for some of the reaffirmations people can lose with the addiction, etc. i was actually dating a guy who got off booze over a year ago. we started up again, when he was more stable, going to meetings all that, but i wasn't clean yet, and he was so back into his working out, job, all that, well, i just pushed it away since i couldn't be clean at the time. but then he got back in touch around new year's, i kept it low-key, then he got more frequent, and something was just off. had lost his job, was very aggressive in pursuing me & not getting my signals to slow down, and like "what's going on with you dude?", and well, i didn't ask him, just kinda knew he must be either drinking again or on something else. sad, but that's addiction, and i just told him his mood swings (really more a drastic change in behavior/approach) were making me dizzy, but i want nothing but the best for him in life. also kinda closed the doors with the other guys contacting me--can't deal with the old life right now, at all.

i see my orthopedist tomorrow morning. this is the first day i really got a craving for the percs, and was starting to scheme how i might get some from him. all the old excuses--i'll just take one here and there when i'm really feeling like crap, i can handle it after this time clean, yadda yadda yadda...but i got someone to go with me, who knows what i'm battling, so there's no way i can/will work the doc into giving me anything at all. i will say, even after this time, it's almost like a temporary (fingers crossed) plateau--i'm feeling more tired, more pain, more just wanting this to pass so i can have myself back. i am trying to have faith this is just a "fight back" from my opiate-addicted brain, one last-ditch attempt to get more drugs. hope it passes...

 
Old 02-07-2011, 02:22 PM   #160
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Re: Second Go

i thank you for the info, very true stuff, but here's the rub...this is my ortho, who's been fine giving me opiates when he didn't realize i'd been seeing a pain mgmt doc. he had referred me to one way back, just didn't know i'd taken him up on it. he's very reluctant to keep someone on opiates, and he gave me like 80 a month or 2 ago (which of course i sucked up in 2-3 days or so, maybe 4, but that's all lol), so the only thing i could get would be like tylenol 3 or something, if that. but i have been off the pills completely for like 3 weeks now, and to go back on anything could put me at more risk. not to mention, knowing him for so many years, he'd just refer me to another pain mgmt doc for weening off and all. i've had up & down days, as i'm sure you see in my posts. just finding it a bit harder right now, more like when i wasn't as far in (lol, a month and 3 days, 3 wks opiate-free, yeay, what a loooong time lol). so i think i just have to suffer through this, and try to remember the better times, and that it's still miles better than when i started, or when i ran out and had to go cold turkey dope sick for a cpl days. i just feel kinda weak with this right now.

 
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Old 02-07-2011, 02:36 PM   #161
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Re: Second Go

sorry im new to this website as of today and im trying to figure out how it works!! it wasnt until after i replied to that post that i saw how good you seem to be doing now! wow! i think opiates are the most difficult thing by far to quit. not only because of the addiction level but also the pain and withdrawl someone goes thru if they are without them! i have been prescribed narcotics for over 5 years now and im always running out way early! but good for you! you should be more than proud of yourself! you sounded like me when you said how great you were doin in the begining so you decieded to celebrate with an oxy 40. too funny. great job and best wishes to ya!

 
Old 02-07-2011, 02:44 PM   #162
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Re: Second Go

lol, i think you get me plenty well. been 3 years for me this time, solidly on percs, tons of them a day, as you read, and always running out and scamming more however i could (well, not however, but always found a way to get them), and, well, 'tis what it 'tis. i wish i knew why it's so damn hard right now--why i've had much more kickback these past few days. i don't feel strong right now, just feel awful & dead.

 
Old 02-07-2011, 02:51 PM   #163
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Re: Second Go

sorry i didn't say it before, but welcome to the site it's is VERY friendly and supportive, no matter where you are at the moment, or what your situation is. would be great if this were a linear process, and we all just got off the opiates and could stay that way every day. but doesn't work like that for us, least not most of the time. as you can see, it's pretty tough for me at the moment, but i've gotten so much support in the past here, so i know you'll get the same!

 
Old 02-07-2011, 03:02 PM   #164
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Re: Second Go

well, ya inspire me! i think youre doing great! and im no doctor but i think the worst is about over at 30 days. ive tried to quit a million times it seems like. once i went as far as calling a rehab place and told them about myself and how i was on my 2nd day without anything because i was quitting cold turkey. they told me that its extremely dangerous to just stop all together, they said seizures and even death were possibilities...lol. i was shocked to hear this. and me being me, i went and made a call for some perks. just an excuse. i told myself over and over that if i dont take some quick, that i was going to for sure have a seizure. like i said, my doc recently switched me up from perks to opanas. they work great and i dont have to take 10 at a time to get relief!

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Old 02-07-2011, 03:23 PM   #165
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Re: Second Go

thank you for the kind words, really makes me feel better about what i'm going through. the worst definitely is over in about 30 days, at least 30 days opiate free if not the full month, but it remains and up & down thing. i've consistently had some much better days, and some worse days. these last couple have been the worst, especially since i'm craving now, if for no other reason than to stop what i'm physically feeling right now. i don't mean to sound negative at all! i am pushing, as we all are every day. i guess i just felt like some might need to know to expect stuff like this at some point even after the detox itself officially ends, and it's just the withdrawal part. this has thrown me for a bit of a loop to be honest.

 
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