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Old 01-28-2011, 03:07 AM   #121
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Re: Second Go

um...i ll admit im just scared to tell her the truth about kicking morphine this time because a)i wasnt telling her when i was getting it and b) she was so proud of me the first time that i couldnt let her down i guess...and shed get mad.

this may be a little secret of mine, I have lots, and they dont bother my subconscious. I see the world like I dont owe anyone anything or explanation, cause they all have their things going on, and they dont confess stuff to me. well someimes but, no I havnt told her, ive just said that i take ativan for anxiety from work related stress. that way if idid get sick,i could have used that as an excuse. (ive been lucky i havnt been dope sick this time) i know its sounds dumb, but im not like everyone else (i am partially a very private person and like time to myself)

dunno if that answered ur question ha..im tired.......nite for now

 
Old 01-28-2011, 03:46 AM   #122
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Re: Second Go

lol, i think i mentioned it just a few mins ago in the other thread. you are right that you don't have to tell anyone, and i get what you're saying. didn't mean to pry, none of my biz! sorry if it sounded that way when i asked! i'm private too, just not on here, figured here was the place i could let this stuff out, and it's helped me personally to do so, as i hope it does for everyone else.

 
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Old 01-28-2011, 04:09 AM   #123
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Re: Second Go

ok guys, fingers crossed the drinks last night haven't hit me as badly today, need good vibes (and lots of vits here) to keep it that way. hoping, hoping, hoping...

 
Old 01-28-2011, 11:13 AM   #124
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Re: Second Go

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Originally Posted by ravensgirl52 View Post
lol, i think i mentioned it just a few mins ago in the other thread. you are right that you don't have to tell anyone, and i get what you're saying. didn't mean to pry, none of my biz! sorry if it sounded that way when i asked! i'm private too, just not on here, figured here was the place i could let this stuff out, and it's helped me personally to do so, as i hope it does for everyone else.
i had no problem w you asking. sometimes text/net messages get misconstrued. I like people to ask questions about everything, and I like to answer all of them, thruthfully.

the 'private' part was me moreso saying that theres certain things I dont tell my gf or my friends..im an only child so im kinda quiet (not really on here hahaha) but i like my 'me-time' ...ill go for drives by myself for hours just to get away from people.

i wrote that early this morning on a clonazepam...it was jumbled lol

Last edited by second go; 01-28-2011 at 11:14 AM.

 
Old 01-28-2011, 11:59 AM   #125
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Re: Second Go

i'm glad i didn't offend you, and whatever works for you in terms of support, as well as privacy, well it's clearly working for you "beastie" lol. and, as hopefully i said, i haven't told everyone in my life, including one of my 2 best friends, the one i've actually known for 18 years, about my addiction. and he was there for me through one of the worst periods in my life, which i guess i wanna say now (still makes me cry as i think of typing this, but i think it's relevant to why i asked what i did about if your gf knew--cuz i haven't told him for fear he'd stop being my friend if he knew).

i fell in love with a guy when i was just 15, first love and all that. for whatever reason, fate/God/karma, we kept breaking up & getting back together up till about a year ago. even when he was all the way across the world, and we'd not talked or known if each other were even alive, somehow we'd end up running into each other and bam--back together. so of course i thought it was meant to be. four years ago we finally got together as "adults," living together, planning a life, marriage, home, baby, etc. didn't take more than a few months of me living with him to find out he was a RAGING alcoholic. i mean drinking a 1.75 liter of southern comfort (his drug of choice) A DAY. he'd lost his job, only had his monthly national guard duty left (had a big signing bonus after re-upping after active duty). i didn't tell anyone. i wanted it to stop. thought if he just started working again, it'd get better. i was working full time, managing like 50 employees in 2 departments, and trying to race home to catch him before he'd pass out at 2p.m.

got to the point where he was on one of his guard weekends, and they bussed him to the hospital as he was hunched over in agonizing pain. this young man had pancreatitis from the drinking. his blood pressure was 181/118. they put him in the cardiac care unit, and of course i was right there to nurse him. i'll try to make it as brief as possible, sorry it's so lengthy, just this is my first time opening up about it, and realizing how this led to my addiction.

well after a week in hospital, took him only a few days to start drinking again, this time only beer & wine he said. and like a fool, i didn't leave. after a week, i had to take him back to the hospital, it was starting again, and got a GI specialist for him. still i told NOONE the truth of why he was this way, and what it was doing to me. i stayed for a few more months, and i was using pain pills to numb myself and deal with it. even kept a bottle of wine in my desk drawer at work--how ironic i was drinking to dull the pain of his drinking--talk about co-dependent lol). and after those few months, as our one year lease was about to be up, i literally had a nervous breakdown. now i've been thru some major **** since i was very young, never blacked out, always remembered all of it, all the scars. i lost a month that 2 this day, 4 years later, i don't remember. took a massive dose of depakote in the hospital to snap me out of it. my brother in san diego, total opposite coast, had to drop everything to come help my mom and me. lost the job of course. the things people told me i did while i was out of it, well it was awful to hear and embarrassing beyond belief, and i don't even know how i drove, worked, functioned at all. keeping the awful secret, living in that hell literally drove me crazy.

i realized, just today, as i was starting this reply, that my perc addiction, along with massive amounts of ultram when i'd run out, started then. i did need surgery for my ankle, and that only made it worse of course, but i was using whatever opiates (and other stuff i was lucky enough not to get addicted to) i could get to deal with that breakdown. to deal with losing this vision i'd had of a life with him for so long. so there it is. he still drinks to this day. but now i have myself back, and clearly i need to work through the emotions of all that more than i have, but this is a start. getting clean myself is a start. and while i'm so embarrassed about all of this, even knowing noone here knows who i am, i am soooooooooo thankful i have this site to finally, FINALLY, let this out. so i'm gonna go have a good cry, and hope i haven't put anyone to sleep lol, and i just wanna thank you guys & this board.

 
Old 01-29-2011, 03:48 AM   #126
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Re: Second Go

wow, that sounded like an intense time of your life. Im glad you were able to get through it, and get to the oher side; so many ppl dont try, or cant cause they have fear. Thanks for sharing that...talking about these things helps us through our stages of getting clean. if you keep it bottled up, then you are more susceptable to relapse. again thanks for sharing and not feeling afraid of the public aspect.

Now that you did that youve inspired me to explain a catalyst to my drug addiction!!! maybe youre the 'beastie' with mind control hahah jokes aside.

4 years ago my mother, developed a bad cough, im going to condence the story. two years later we found out that she had a form of lupus that was affecting her lungs, basically deteriorating them away.

i got a call from a close family friend, and she said go seee you r mom, she isnt doing well. so i went to her house, she was coming home from work, and was so 'winded' that she didnt have the energy to walk up the stairs, oxygen just wasnt getting to her body. we admitted her into the hospital, and she passed one week later. My aunt flew in from washington, my family was losing it. I was the one who was reassuring my mother (at this stage she knew she had little time left) i was reassuring her that i would be alright, and I was keeping my family in good soirits as much as i ciukd cause it was just devastating. watching your mother deteriorate in front of your eyes in a weeks time. i remember parking in the hospital lot, getting the ebergy to go up and visit her. Hardest thing I ever had to deal with.

So cocaine became an everyweek thing w friends, exctacy (mdma) every wednesday, and lots of drinking, and the ever effective oxycontin that i just found out about mybe a month before her passing (taking it everyday). so yeah, I was stuffing emotions down as far as i could, and maintaing my job, and djing (having to put on that im having fun face).

Ive come to terms with it now. I also believe that drugs and music making were a bond, so i did it to express my self through music as well.

a lot of us have those things that hurt us so bad, that we bury them deep, and replace them with substances. it helps to tell someone or express like this on an anonymous board (you wernt born named Ravensgirl52 were you? haha).

well its 230 am... im going to sleep ...and it will be day 12. Dont be afraid to be proud of our accomlishments, however big or small they are, pat yourself on the back guys. and once agin I couldnt have done this without spilling my guts on here, so i recommend you start a thread those of your who just read posts; i mean there wil be a time when youre ready, but It sure feels good and helps a lot, at least for me, and Ravensgirl, if I may speak for her.

tired...no clonazepam tonight, goin strait to bed, gotta be up at 8 for work! nite zzzZZZZ! thnx for reading

 
Old 01-29-2011, 05:09 AM   #127
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Re: Second Go

you can absolutely speak for me on that! i honestly feel that such a weight has just been lifted off my shoulders, never realized it was that heavy!

i am so very sorry for what you went through with your mom second. hadn't seen or talked to my dad (really not much of a dad) in 6 years before he got sick & passed 10 years ago in april. died from renal & hepatic failure (kidney & liver, for anyone wondering)--was a 2 bottle a day wine drinker who was morbidly obese and diabetic for years. the one of my 2 brothers who had been in contact with him (other one hadn't talked to or seen him in 5 1/2 yrs) called when my dad was admitted to the hospital. when i got there, i went into the room, took one look at his swollen body, walked straight back out to the nurses' station & asked if that was the correct bed--didn't even recognize him. he lasted 2 days, that was it. but at least i got 2 days of a father. he knew he was dying too, and for the first time in my life, he actually asked about my interests, my friends, etc., etc. and he wanted me around, wanted me to be there to be strong since his gf & my brother just couldn't. when he passed, my other brother didn't even fly in for the funeral. i only say this because, yet again, our stories do help each other, inspire each other. and i think you so hit the nail on the head about being way more prone to relapse when we keep this stuff bottled up.

for the record, my real name isn't ravensgirl52 lol, and for anyone reading these who feels the need/desire to talk about your situation(s), i really hope you do so as soon as you feel comfortable. i'm going into 6 weeks since i started my detox/withdrawal--one month clean completely from opiates! body's starting to come back online, and mind too. feels pretty good to be in control of my choices (as scary as that is) instead of pills controlling me. at my worst, right before i went clean, i was about to sell a $10,000 heirloom watch of my grandmother's for $1500, which she wanted to go to her 1st (i'm the only) granddaughter. i was gonna sell it to by percs from a street dealer i knew from getting weed. didn't trust him as far as i could throw him, but was so damn desperate to avoid cold turkey detox, and to keep feeding my addiction. thank God i didn't do it! but that's how deep i was, and i know we all have those stories, those times.

welp, gotta get ready to head up to pa to see that best friend of 18 years in a little bit. haven't seen him since before my last ankle surgery, and as it's been years since i saw him sober, and i still have waves of fatigue, irritability, and nausea (nothing compared to the start tho!), i'm scared. long drive, won't be popping percs all the way up there and while there over the wknd--been awhile since i last did a sober drive up there lol. but selfishly, hearing second's story and being able to talk a little bit more here, i feel stronger. i KNOW i have support out there, and i look forward to coming home sunday and posting that i made it through w/o pills. not even taking the klonapin to sleep anymore. thank you, second, thank you all. take care, keep fighting, and have a GREAT wknd!

 
Old 01-29-2011, 08:26 AM   #128
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Re: Second Go

Hi Second Go,

I've read some of your posts. I've been there. I've been away from the coke for about 18 years now but still do marijuana on occasion, last was Thanksgiving with a friend.

My younger years after getting out of the Marines were harsh, but since getting married and after we had kids, I've straightened up alot.

I just wanted to say hello and that I knew what you were going through...

If you want to talk, let me know...

Last edited by MANup; 01-29-2011 at 08:27 AM.

 
Old 01-29-2011, 10:03 AM   #129
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Re: Second Go

Quote:
Originally Posted by MANup View Post
Hi Second Go,

I've read some of your posts. I've been there. I've been away from the coke for about 18 years now but still do marijuana on occasion, last was Thanksgiving with a friend.

My younger years after getting out of the Marines were harsh, but since getting married and after we had kids, I've straightened up alot.

I just wanted to say hello and that I knew what you were going through...

If you want to talk, let me know...
cool man. yea I was laughing in another post that i wish i could smoke weed, it would be the end to all my problems, but it gives me anxiety and I start to worry about everything. whatever part in the brain that controls 'worry; weed stimulates that for me.

thnx talk soon bro

 
Old 01-29-2011, 10:19 AM   #130
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Re: Second Go

Its 9 am and I have actually lost track of what day it is for me off opiates!! Day 12 i think, ill have too look back at the log, oh this log has been helpful. I remember saying I want to be one of those people saying "day 20 no opiates finally getting back to normal". Well setting that goal and imagining it vividly got me to where i am now, plus all you cool people. i know sometimes it sounds sappy when we give each other kudos. but in treatment centres, those people are talking everyday, crying on each other shoulders, hugging, saying they'll continue contact for the rest of their life. Because this is as 'real' as it gets.

Going through drug addiction is basically a call for help to save your life, so this isnt a minor little internet site thread with anonymous losers (omg can you imagine if we had the people who make youtube commments talkin in here!!!! dang they are ignorant).

so yeah lets all keep our goal in mind today and if your still doing drugs, do less today than you did yesterday. If your detoxing and going through withdrawals (fight the pain, its worth it).

im gonna go take half of my vitamins now, my 'old guy' vitamin week dispenser is full hahaha. b12, vit d, and a one a day for now with some breakfst...I used to never eat breakfast and i was the most lethargic person I knew. Then an omega 3, vit c, and vit b6 for later....have gud 1 guys

Last edited by second go; 01-29-2011 at 10:25 AM.

 
Old 01-29-2011, 10:40 AM   #131
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Re: Second Go

Hi, I have to agree with a previous thread in regards to opiate withdrawl vs benzo, benzo by far is the worst. I have been there! And there is a real possibilty that if you don't taper you may have a seizure. In reality that is what benzos are used for in an emergent situation. Benzos such ativan,valium,xanax,serax are all used by health care professionals to control a seizure that a patient may be having. Try a benadryl @ nite to help with sleep issues I found that it helped me alot. I understand your current situation as I too am starting my own journey into opiate withdrawl. I have been on percocet,methadone, for pain management for the past many years.

I just know that
If we get thru this a relapse will not B an option, we will have worked too hard to mess it up. I will swear by Motrin for pain and natural remedies for sleep. Try a real hot cup of chamomile tea and a benadryl for sleep won't curb anxiety, but no withdrawls.. So you win in the long run. We r are here for you as you are not alone in your journey.

Stay Strong!
&Lots Of Luck...
boobooolaz

 
Old 01-30-2011, 05:56 AM   #132
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Re: Second Go

Quote:
Originally Posted by booboolaz View Post
Hi, I have to agree with a previous thread in regards to opiate withdrawl vs benzo, benzo by far is the worst. I have been there! And there is a real possibilty that if you don't taper you may have a seizure. In reality that is what benzos are used for in an emergent situation. Benzos such ativan,valium,xanax,serax are all used by health care professionals to control a seizure that a patient may be having. Try a benadryl @ nite to help with sleep issues I found that it helped me alot. I understand your current situation as I too am starting my own journey into opiate withdrawl. I have been on percocet,methadone, for pain management for the past many years.

I just know that
If we get thru this a relapse will not B an option, we will have worked too hard to mess it up. I will swear by Motrin for pain and natural remedies for sleep. Try a real hot cup of chamomile tea and a benadryl for sleep won't curb anxiety, but no withdrawls.. So you win in the long run. We r are here for you as you are not alone in your journey.

Stay Strong!
&Lots Of Luck...
boobooolaz
thanks for the support and yes I stray away from the benzos as much as I can ( i might have a ativan at 8 pm every second day, sometimes skip 3 days. they dont do much for me, its just that me gf friend has them, and a clonazepam once in a while, again they dont do much, and I dont crave them at all, i see them as a sort of placebo, I know ridiculous ---actual drug as aplacebo---but they help me sleep quicker, im still anxious when on them)

and relapse is not in my vocab right now! hehe

St Johns wort tea id good for anxiety, found at any heath store. Im back drinking that as well.

 
Old 01-30-2011, 06:24 AM   #133
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Re: Second Go

its 5 am and cant sleep. yesterday I had one of the wort shifts evr. I was driving the work van and the transmission went. I also left to go give my gf some money she needed, so my boss was double mad. Now my bosses are kinda like family to me, so I got reamed out like never before!.

This night would have sent the average person into relapse i swear. I got call a jerk, selfish, a f*** up, you name it (like getting yelled at by dad for the worst thing you could do)

needless to say, my bosses are the most high strung people Ive ever met.

well no relapse, im not stupid, but me oh my I dread having to liden to them later today. ahhh

my point people, i am probably at stress level 9 and will not go seek out a pill to self-medicate. Thats how determined I am. So what I have to listen to a 3 hour lecture today , so the f*&# what?. Im a man (and i put up this invisible bubble when my boss screams at me (they think i care, but i just agree and nod, and float around in my invisible bubble that they cant cut through)..oh btw im not a wuzzy, you just cant win an argument with these people, ever. so i dont try, ive seen people try; its comical to say the least.

aghh. Am I on day 13? is this why ...bad luck day?

Opiates are no longer my friend, and those ativans dont do anything for me, so done with that ..klnopins too (feel like ive been taking placebos...no effect) so done with those too.

I just need to get through sunday then i got my days off. need to get st johns wort tea. im going back to bed and going to figure out what to sat to them tommr...not that i give a rats a$$.

hope you have a bettr day than me.

 
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Old 01-30-2011, 06:41 AM   #134
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Re: Second Go

Hi,
Yes, I heard of St.John's Wart..I use this for PMS symptoms has helped alot. By the way, how are you feelng? I hope the long winding road of this journey you are on gets easier and better each and every day!! I too have started my own ritual of detox but I have decided a taper not so bad soooo far, but I can't seem to find the energy that I had when using my reg or Xtended doses of my meds and my hiusbands!!!!(OMG!! which at times has been in excess,, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! Each day for all of us that have felt this sort of pain both emotionally and physically, have to keep reminding ourselves that we are all better off without the horrible entities the drug brings into our lives. I just want this Monkey off my back. I have been a slave to this demon for way too long now. Well enough of my philosophical blah blah!!!

Remember, Stay Strong and Focused!!!
Lots Of Luck!
booboolaz

 
Old 01-30-2011, 08:51 AM   #135
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Re: Second Go

Quote:
Originally Posted by booboolaz View Post
Hi,
Yes, I heard of St.John's Wart..I use this for PMS symptoms has helped alot. By the way, how are you feelng? I hope the long winding road of this journey you are on gets easier and better each and every day!! I too have started my own ritual of detox but I have decided a taper not so bad soooo far, but I can't seem to find the energy that I had when using my reg or Xtended doses of my meds and my hiusbands!!!!(OMG!! which at times has been in excess,, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! Each day for all of us that have felt this sort of pain both emotionally and physically, have to keep reminding ourselves that we are all better off without the horrible entities the drug brings into our lives. I just want this Monkey off my back. I have been a slave to this demon for way too long now. Well enough of my philosophical blah blah!!!

Remember, Stay Strong and Focused!!!
Lots Of Luck!
booboolaz
physically i am doing great! so yes ppl it gets better (your mind doesnt become a drug garbgage dump). emotiionally i have always been an upbeat person, si id say im at at a 9 daily, with some mood swings which is natural in withdrawals )except for my boss spazzing at me last night which i wont get into again, but that really through me for a loop).

and booboolaz for energy I recommend (always rememeber recommend on a message board, we are not prescribing with phds here haha) But L-Tyrosine from your helth store with help with mental fatique - worked great with me, but made my mind race a bit too much, so i use it on ocassion. and then of course vit b6 and vit b12. and getting out and walking or joggging helps tremendously for energy. it may take a while to bbuild up the energy to walk because drug addiction aloows your muscles to do less work, then when youre off drugs, your heart is working overtime to get blood to your extremeties, and legs, etc.

keep posting and make new threads for your questions. I have usually just been writing in this one cause its my journal/outlet to you all. as you can see i read all the other threads and answer in there too tho

take care hav a gud 1!

Last edited by second go; 01-30-2011 at 08:55 AM.

 
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