First of all I would like to say that this is the first time EVER that I posted up anything online so if I write anything inappropriate or If I say something that I shouldn't then I firmly apologize for it, but I'm in desperate need of advice and help.
Second of all, as you will probably notice later on, English isn't my maternal language so if I make any grammar mistakes, I'm sorry for that too.
And last, I know that Cocaine is illegal in almost every country excluding Mexico and some others. I also know that this is a delicate and serious subject considering it is illegal, so if I write anything that does not cope with the regulations, I apologize and I'll make sure to re-write it as soon as possible.
I would like to say a couple of things about me first, because I believe that it will make it easier for you guys to understand the situation I'm in.
Alex isn't my real name, but you guys can call me Alex if you want. I live in Belgium and I'm 20 years old. I still live at my parents and I'm currently doing my second year of university (its not like a real university, but in Belgium you can attend to an institution where you do 3 years to get a bachelor.)
I used to work out at the gym almost 3 to 4 days a week, but since I work almost every weekend and I'm attending my second year of uni, which is horribly hard, I don't have much time left to work out. Maybe once a week maybe twice tops. So I'm out of shape physically. Plus the fact that I'm heavy smoker (one pack every 2 days, sometimes one a day).
Edit: (I lost about 6 kg in 8 months of use of C., currently weighing: 60kg and I'm about 1 meter and 81 tall)
I did have a rough childhood, well maybe not entirely rough but COMPLICATED would be the correct word I guess. When I was younger (up to the age of 17!!) my father who is quite the strict and stern father, discplined me by beating me. Not a heavy beating though, like I never had any serious injury after getting one besides some bruises here and there. I took alot of those beatings, but I deserved all of em I guess, since I did do alot of 'misschief' as a small kid. School was always a problem with me in the beginning when I was still a kid. Now it has all changed luckely.. But you get the picture.
But anyways, time to end this little background info about me.
I've always been a clever guy(mostly) and I always knew what I was getting myself into, knowing the results of doing whatever I was planning to do...
Well cocaine is the first thing that ever caught me completely off guard.
The first time I ever used it was with a friend right before going out to a club. He 'introduced' me to it, but didn't force it, It was completely my own choice. This was about 8 months ago. It felt great. I truely felt awesome. After that night I only used it together with my friend and it still felt great. Untill 4 months ago, I started to use it more often but always together with my friend, never alone. So I would say like every weekend we'd do like a 1 gram sometimes 2 but always with the two of us. We'd share it fair and square.
But then about a month ago, I had some serious family issues, so I thought screw it, why not? Biggest mistake ever. After that day I've been using it daily ever since, alone or with friends, I don't care. And that fun and sensational feeling just became weaker and weaker with every line I sniffed..
I always tought, untill now, that I could quit if I wanted to, but I'm not so sure anymore...
Most likely you guys have read story's or helped people who are in a much more terrible situation than I am, but what you should know is that I unconsciously spent over €1500(i do not know if this is against regulations) in about 3 months in total on cocaine.. I don't know if that's alot but I presume it is.
I'm awake for 20hours straight already and I still can't go to sleep. I'm tired and sick of this. I really want to be clean now. Don't want to have runny noses again, or this sudden urge of whenever I feel a lil bit down or sad, to do some C.
I've read on tons of different sites: talk to a doctor, talk to somebody, talk to him or her, but I don't want anyone to know about this... I'm not asking for a miracle cure here, but some advice and possibly some help from a community that I feel I can trust.
As I mentioned above, I'm probably not the worst or hopeless case out there but I'm full with unanswered questions and I don't know what to do anymore...
Finnaly I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my story all the way till the end.
Last edited by Alexneedshelp; 03-02-2011 at 01:18 PM.
hi Alex. my name is daitchie....you may call me daisy....i have never experienced cocaine...not really any type of drug....i am addicted to a prescription drug called tramadol....i too am having a difficult time with the addiction and it happened...when my second husband introduced me to hydrcodone. a pain pill...i have taken them before i met him and all they did was made me sleep....so one day i asked my ex husband what do you see in this medicine...what do i feel for...well he told me they give you energy and don't take a whole one only half so that i will get the energy effects...before i knew it i fell right in his hands and just started buying them off the streets...one day...no money no pills....believe me i felt like sh*t....so i didn't want to take them no more...and i do believe i would have had the will to quit...but the trusted man i loved broke me down mentally until i would buy them again just so we could stop arguing...well i started taking tramadol given to me by a doctor that told me wasn't addictive....bull hockey....i been taking this medication for 5 years....i was hoping you and i might can encourage each other. ..i know nothing about cocaine....except for the fact that my ex husband told me of experiences he's had....he was a user of 3 grams a day 7 days a week....until finally his heart gave out on him....he was just 17 years old....cocaine intoxication....he had to tell his mother when she got to the hospital....that wasn't what he wanted to do cause he knew his mother taught him different...this would hurt her tremendously....well he decided to tell her before the doctors...he is catholic...he prayed to god and he said that if god let him live that day he promised not to touch it again....well till this day he has not touched it....he is now 43 years old....if you value your life....please try so hard to stop...you are so young and have so much life in you already...got so much to look forward too....Chris....my ex husband....was and still is addicted to pain pills....vicodine...morphine...anything that will give him that high......you just got to want it to quit....just like i do....i left my husband three years ago...and i still take tramadol....tramadol is an opiate based supposedly a non narcotic. if you can get addicted to it....it is a narcotic....i am on my 4th day without...and believe me it is described as worse than getting off of heroin....if you catch my drift...weakness tired all the time....no strength....can't sleep right now i have been up for 28 hours straight now...i am so tired....i don't have a will....don't have that drive to take care of myself....just don't want to do nothing at all.....i am not going to lie about it...there is this heavy part where my heart is heavy and i cry and cry and cry and still so more crying.....i did the right thing leaving Chris...was the hardest thing i ever had to do ....it took me along time to realize i was his pain pill vending machine...cause of my condition and i get my meds for free....or at 1.00 American dollars per prescription.....my name is now ruined with doctors around here....just because he would manipulate me to get what he wanted....i really loved him....of course he used my secrets to get me to fall for him and i can still see those promising blue eyes trapping me to fall for him....i did....i fell for him hard and i loved him with all my heart and soul...it took me 8 years to leave him....that was three years ago...now his life is like drinking every night...more and more pain pills... i just couldn't live my life like that anymore....i gave him my house i bought before i married him....a truck...he had everything...all he had to do was take care of it....now it is trashed....and belief me when i tell you i realized just about how much more cleaning i did in the past years....now i have a good man for three years....and a 17 year old myself i have to set an example for...some advice to you...do you enjoy being around kids? quit cocaine and teach kids to stay away from it....i do believe that will be your drive to quit....and yes i do believe you are addicted to it.....i have to go....but please let me know how you are doing....i haven't posted anything yet....i came across your story and it inspired me....daisy
The Following User Says Thank You to daisy72 For This Useful Post: Alexneedshelp (03-02-2011)
hey alex, we all have had drug issues here, just dont go into anything about scoring illegally etc, youll be fine. I just wanted to say I was too addicted to soft cocaine, and I also just got sick of the feeling, it changes from euphoria to just plain misery or like u need it to 'go' and be energized momentarily, and the restless sleep afterwards ughhhh, and all the negative thoughts cause your dopamine is all shot off. aghhhhhhhhhhh
I personally just got sick of it and stopped. You seem like you stilll have the habit. All I can say is you came to the right place, talk to people. and there is a cocaine-specific board where you may get more specific support, if you go back a page to 'health issues' (edit: i just checked and there isnt.... hmmm odd, so, your at the right place bud!). Wish you the best man!, keep posting! -second go
Last edited by second go; 03-02-2011 at 07:40 AM.
The Following User Says Thank You to second go For This Useful Post: Alexneedshelp (03-02-2011)
Thx for your replies and thank you daisy for sharing your story. It was touching
As for second go, I do not really know the right thread since I'm very new here, but if you guys allow me, I'll try and share my story with you guys. I'd appreciate if there are any ex-add's of cocaine out there, that are completely clean, if they would share with me how they got rid of this delightful yet dreadful drug.
Its midday now, 16:41. Slept for about 4/5 hours I think. I'm not sure.
But these toughts flashing in my head are driving me insane. When I was ready to go to sleep yesterday, well today actually, I convinced myself I wouldn't do aymore lines today. Right now, at this very moment while typing these very words, I'm already thinking about doing some C. And I try to lie to myself when I think about it. Like, I'll tell myself like, Ok man just have a little bit, not much, just a tiny little line. And after that one, maybe another one, but still a small one. Etc, etc, etc.. ITS SUCH A VISCOUS CIRCLE. And its retarted since I'm not even hooked to it that long.. I never had a drug related history.. So ashamed of myself... I'm worried about everything: My heart, my nose, my brains. But at the same time I don't seem to care anymore. Its so weird and yet frustrating..
Just gave up about 5 minutes ago. Gave in into the temptation. ****** off at myself right now but I'm happy I can voice my thoughts here.
I'm so happy I found you guys, I really am. I've been reading different threads concerning addiction the entire day and I'm really amazed. What you guys do for the people who come here with their problems, the way you handle them, give them advice and support them; Its something what a '1000$ an hour psychiatrist/psychologist' can't do. Amazing. Really amazing.
And sorry If I'm spamming my own thread here but I'm online the entire day since I don't have school. I'm thinking about making this thread my 'diary' and depict my journey on becoming clean.
Think I did too much today; like 1.3 maybe 1.5, spread over the entire day. Never did this much in one day, its a first timer. I did manage to eat three times and I'm forcing myself to drink tons of water so thats clear. In these last 2 days, I've slept 4 hours. The weird thing is that I actually feel alright. No signs of serious paranoia and I haven't had any hallucinations. My hands do shake a little bit but and my nostrils do hurt a little. The back of my head and the sides do feel a little bit heavy. I've felt worse before but I never felt like this. I'm having a small headache aswell..
I'm at my breaking point. Its enough. I've had it. Next week I'm going to go the doctor. (Should I visit the doctor in my town or should I visit one somewhere else?) I'm determined to look for professional help. This is something I just can't do alone. Just need to think of a way, so my parents won't figure it out.
you seem to be traped between a rock and a hard place....love it hate it... you did 1.5 today? i believe it is possible to Overdose after about 2 grams by yourself...just a small fact i thought id throw out there.
I would check in with a doctor if I were you, in town would be a good idea, but the farther away from skid row or downtown, the better....and youre not spamming your thread, this is what this board is for, i actually get upset when i dont see any new posts....keep the thoughts and support comin guys! Have you tried erasing your contacts no from your phone? its hard but is a good first step in getting serious about quitting. There is very little physical withdrawal pain from cocaine, it is mostly mental/emotional....talk to someone here or friends, etc...vent and let all your questions out first, then just go for it buddy!
The Following User Says Thank You to second go For This Useful Post: Alexneedshelp (03-04-2011)
I'm awake now. Did manage to get some sleep, 3/4 hours maybe. I'm definitly visiting the doctor next week. The way I felt this night really scared me. Never felt like that before. I'm scared that these last weeks of daily use (maybe 3/4grams a week) have actually damaged my body seriously. So scared right now. Gna try and not do anything today. I'm really worried.
Alex, don't beat yourself up. I don't know much about cocaine but my drug of choice is oxycodone. I am going to be tapering off of it soon. I just had knee surgery and will be scheduling another one in about one month so I am waiting for this to all be over with before I begin. Well enough about me. You are very young and I am afraid that you will overdose before you get some help. Get to the doctor very soon. I would say taper down easy but I am not sure if you can do that. I know how badly drugs can trap a person and I feel sorry for you. All of us here on this board have different things that have brought us down. We all support each other and I have yet to really run into any negativity on here. Post frequently like you said, use it as your diary. It will help to put your feelings into print. If there is anyone (a best friend) you can confide in? Just in case something does happen and you need medical help or any kind of emergency help? Are you entirely sure that you cannot confide in your parents? Be sure of this because I know if my 17 or 18 year old child came to me and told me this I would be devastated I am sure but I would also be glad that they would come to me for help. Parents are more aware of things than you realize. It is better to know what is wrong instead of keep guessing what could be wrong with your child. Good luck to you in however you decide to handle your situation.
The Following User Says Thank You to oxygirl For This Useful Post: Alexneedshelp (03-04-2011)
Finnally some good news. Took some drastic steps yesterday; deleted all my contacts regarding C, gathered enough courage to talk to a close friend of mine and she aggreed to keep-safe my bankcard.
I've been sober for 24 hours now. The first time in one month. I feel alright but not that great. Don't have any signs of cravings yet but I don't know how long that's going to last, although I do feel kind of relieved.
Had lunch about 30 minutes ago and I think I ate enough for two days; like a bad case of the munchies. I'm thinking positive. Hope this works out.
Yeah really, let us know how you're doing. You haven't posted since the 4th. And BTW, I'm Mike. I have done almost every drug out there and can offer pretty sound advice as well. Please type something, your grammage per day was getting up there, hope you're ok. Sorry for just posting now, I tend to lurk a lot on here.
I guess I am following u on the post mike. I guess i wonder how people deal with this and with pain and physical dependence and the whole 9 yards. It is sad and I feel bad for these kids that get mixed up in the "hard" stuff. I like to talk to them and try to help them. Sometimes just knowing someone is not judging u helps them most of all.
I'd appreciate if there are any ex-add's of cocaine out there, that are completely clean, if they would share with me how they got rid of this delightful yet dreadful drug.
I had to take inventory of myself and then dismantle the elements at my disposal. No one really wants to face that man in the mirror but when I finally mustered enough energy to do so,the real work began.
I tend to go deep and if you are up to it Alex, I will be here.
hey phoenix that jingle is cute. when in doubt post it out! lol.....God knows I do enough for the whole board. It helps me to talk talk talk. or rather to type. I have a long road ahead of me and not a lot of money for gas (for real)!
First of all sorry I didn't post anything up lately guys, didn't have much time to post anything really. And thanks for caring all of you. It means alot to me even if its coming from strangers
Second of all I have bad news. Was clean for about 4 days and then I eventually gave up. I could say I had weak moment but thats just a sorry excuse I guess. Did about 1,5 in 2 days then. Just finished everything I had 4 hours ago. Haven't eaten much today but maybe I'll go downstairs to go and get something. First thing I'll do tomorrow is post smthing up.
Anyways I just want to say again you guys, thank you for the attention and caring, it helps.
hey alex, i am worried about you. didnt u say u were 20 years old? I have a daughter almost your age and I promise you that your mama would be terrified for you. Please keep posting to us and let us try to talk to you. trust me I write long posts and u will definitely have something to read if you get bored! I know addiction is hard. I never took anything at all until I was 39. I am 42 and now hooked on my pain meds that I have been taking for 3 years. Addiction is addiction and it knows no age, race, economic status or any boundaries. Cocaine is a bad one because it is so expensive. It will bring you to your knees and very quick. Not everyone has a Charlie Sheen budget to afford the drug. And look at Charlie he looks so old and thin and bad. I don't know if cocaine is a drug u can taper off of. I am not a good one to ask that question to. I know I am tapering off my pain meds and cutting down little at a time. However, I am not sure that works with coke or if you could even afford it. I am afraid the more u do the more addicted u are. U might have to go ct and go to a rehab. sometimes if u just admit to a parent or loved one u have a problem they will understand and help u get help. Again, I am worried about u. Keep us updated. Hopefully someone else with more information on this drug will post and give u some advice. Be careful please. Don't be an overdose statistic. U have your whole life ahead of you.
The Following User Says Thank You to oxygirl For This Useful Post: Alexneedshelp (03-17-2011)
Hey oxy, and thanks for that. I'm doing a bit better now. Didn't do much in the entire day (less then 0.5). I really hope that I'm not annoying you guys with this. I don't want to seem like spoiled brat with 'daddy issues' or something like that. Its just that... It may seem weird and maybe awkward but this place and you guys are currently my only safe haven right now. The only place where I can share my troubles with and the only place thats keeping me from going insane. I'm really considering if I should tell my parents about this. The only problem is: my dad. Before you say anything, you should know that he's the conservative type of dad that told me(when I was 8 years old), that if I ever should "become" gay, he'd reject me as a son and will 'try' to disinherit me. I mean come on... but whatever. All I'm saying is my dad wouldn't give me the support or the understanding that my mom would give. I'm sure of it. But on the other hand this needs to stop. I'm not doing it daily anymore(thank god) but it needs to end anyhow. Again I'm sorry if I seem like a complaining child but I need to get this out of my heart once in a while.
I won't be posting everyday but I can reassure you I'll at least post once a week. Maybe more but not daily.
I'll keep you posted.
Many thanks and luv
Last edited by Alexneedshelp; 03-17-2011 at 11:55 AM.
Reason: Grammar errors :/
hey bud... i had a problem with cocaine a couple years back, id want to do it all the time. But it eventually started giving me anxiety and a different feeling than it did when i started. I actually got a 'weak' feeling from it, like my heart was gonna give out .. so I just stopped doing it. My gf and her girlfriends do it, and i dont even have a craving to do any.
I guess I got out the lucky/easy way...keep posting, and good luck. and like oxygirl said, it wil drain your bank account. Good luck ...its seems as though youre trying to taper. Talk soon man.
The Following User Says Thank You to second go For This Useful Post: Alexneedshelp (03-17-2011)