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Old 04-16-2011, 05:07 AM   #1
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i fought the O man and lived another day

I can't believe I ...actually had oxys in my hand......just a fill away.....

You know what sunfire did? I went back to dr and returned my unfilled RX and kicked myself the whole way home..


Is that considered weak or strong? That was worse than having someone line it up and say "you first"

I did it OG, CHRIS AND MM.....HOLY POOOOOO....I DID IT!

K

 
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Old 04-16-2011, 05:13 AM   #2
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Re: i fought the O man and lived another day

Ohhhhhhhhhh! Kimson stronger than the "O"son ......now lil grasshopper......FINISH HIM! or you shall live in his mist for all eternity .............

Now I can't find my sword...lol.....

How and why do u all put up with me?

 
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Old 04-16-2011, 07:45 AM   #3
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Re: i fought the O man and lived another day

great!.....

 
Old 04-17-2011, 12:00 AM   #4
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Re: i fought the O man and lived another day

So very proud of you Kim. That took more strength to give back the oxys than it would take to lift a whole building!!!! I hope your husband was proud of you also. You deserve a medal of bravery and courage cause I know u are in pain and I know that it is so easy to just take one to get by.

 
Old 04-17-2011, 10:46 PM   #5
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Re: i fought the O man and lived another day

Quote:
Originally Posted by RSDfree1day View Post
I can't believe I ...actually had oxys in my hand......just a fill away.....

You know what sunfire did? I went back to dr and returned my unfilled RX and kicked myself the whole way home..


Is that considered weak or strong? That was worse than having someone line it up and say "you first"

I did it OG, CHRIS AND MM.....HOLY POOOOOO....I DID IT!

K


Im not sure if I could have done the same... but you are proof that it can be done! Soooooooooo proud. As time goes on, it seems to be getting harder... its so weird but I almost want to lie and say it becomes easier.... I can't lie anymore. All I can say is keep it up and NEVER give in! That way it will make 2 of us.


chris

 
Old 04-17-2011, 10:58 PM   #6
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Re: i fought the O man and lived another day

Chris I don't know if it gets any easier either. I think I am not going to need roxis then my da@# pain sets in like the demon coming to taunt me. Even if you do fail and we do, we gotta get back on the horse again or let it step on us. I am feeling hooves as we speak. leg hurts and i wanna full pill but then i want another one in a bit and it isn't pain necessary. it comes and it goes. i am looking forward to getting the darned knee fixed. I don't understand why my knees are so bad anyway. lots of people work on their feet for years. i am not really overweight not in the sense that i am considered fat. just an avg 42 year old woman.

 
Old 04-18-2011, 07:51 AM   #7
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Re: i fought the O man and lived another day

Chris,

you are only aware of the end result....if you could see inside my mind...youd say holy poooo...she is worse off than me...

I might be spitting humor or joking but ..i suffer everyday and no the addiction gets worse in my case...once i was physically clean, I dont want to use cuz I know where it leads me...

I lay awake at night going over where i hurt and how i can get comfortable for a long 2-4 hour sleep...in those nightly thoughts...i have the urge to call the o man and just get the pain down for one night.........i will pick up my phone several times stare at his number and name and it gets burned into my mind....I have plenty of oppurtunities to get it but i think for now my will to stay off and try some nautral stuff to deal with pain instead of popping a pill, is stronger.... I know keeping that number is not healthy but i need it remind myself NOT to call it....I play mind games with myself...may not be sane but it works for mr :O)

I cant say for sure if i wont go back...Although life is not controllable, I still dont use. Lord! knows I want to.....

Do you think of the days when everything seemed ok when you were using? I know they werent but we do huh? Do you ever think that maybe people in pain can control with an underlying addiction....wise KIM! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Peace,
K

 
Old 04-18-2011, 05:18 PM   #8
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Re: i fought the O man and lived another day

OG and RSD, I don't know what else has such a physical hold over our lives like addiction. Not religion, not loved ones, hell, not even family has the kind of hold over us like these da*n pills, drugs etc.

Nothing is thought of more, nothing means more (maybe except wanting to be clean but even that's a stretch). I've just stopped kidding myself into thinking I have control over it. I joke about it, lie about it and down play it but the reality of it is it's not a joke, a laughing matter and its certainly not something we should down play cuz I know I am not speaking for myself when I say I am one relapse away from a full out addiction problem.

I'll never see the day where "just once" will be just once. I don't know if I am okay with that. I miss it. I really do. I miss a lot of things about it. I know it's not good for me, I know it can ruin me and yet here I am typing this to you.

The reality is, I might just be happy discouraging others from using knowing deep down inside, I may never stop completely. I have been sober for over 9 months and yet it's getting HARDER!

*** does this drug have over us? Nine months without anything should be more than enough time to "get over it".

I don't want to appear weak....but I can't lie to myself anymore.

 
Old 04-18-2011, 10:59 PM   #9
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Re: i fought the O man and lived another day

9 months later and you are still in the sweats and WD's? holy ****** dude your scaring me, Your new life should be firmly in place now? What was your daily dose and how long did you use? Sorry im to lazy to read through archives.

 
Old 04-18-2011, 11:45 PM   #10
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Re: i fought the O man and lived another day

I'm on methadone. Some days I self medicate Self medicate = sweating (for me)

 
Old 04-19-2011, 01:02 AM   #11
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Re: i fought the O man and lived another day

Chris you are right. The drug has that affect over even the strongest willed and minded people. You know though the fact that you said even once will never be even once shows that you are in fact well aware. That is an important step to recovery. Most addicts, past or current still try to convince themselves that once is all it will be when they have a weak moment and decide to use again. I am starting to think I am going to have to use methadone or subs to get off these things too. I am currently taking the full 4 again because of the pain but u know what? I like the feeling of well being also! I hate myself for even telling this to yall because i was doing so well with the taper.

I guess I am just going to have to pick a time when I can be sick as he!@ and go to my mama's for detox! she is well aware and very supportive. she also takes opiates for chronic pain but would steadfastly deny even physical tolerance. she understands though when i tell her and wants to help me. actually she and i were hoping i could achieve some pain relief with a smaller doseage and when the pain is under control i can do it. however, the temptation is strong. and i am a strong person but this stuff is strong strong bigtime! I have to find a happy medium somewhere. I have too much going on with my kids and i am trying to find a place to live with them and get away from ex hubby because he depresses me and makes me wanna pop them just to get out of misery around him! There is no understanding from the kids that mom is in pain. maybe sometimes but not constantly. they just quit hearing it after a while and wonder why i can't do this or that. I just want to function normally.

Is it so wrong for a 42 year old divorced mother of 3 to want to live a good, normal life and maybe date a nice guy and not hurt all the time?

 
Old 04-19-2011, 01:38 AM   #12
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Re: i fought the O man and lived another day

OG, I wish we all lived in a perfect world.... since we don't what do we do?

I judge people not by their addiction but rather their inner being. I think you need to let the fact of you being an addict "GO!". Just let it go. I've gotten to know the person you have allowed me to know on this board and you seem
coherent, articulate, edumacaated (j/k) and kind.

All these traits don't convince me (or anyone with half a brain) that you take your meds for the "well being effect" only. I strongly believe that your heart is bigger than your entire chest and you are one of the most caring people you know. I think being the person you are actually need your pain meds for pain (yes, these people really do exist, and not just in fairy tales). It saddens me to hear you are not happy at times but don't beat yourself up over it.

You deserve better and it WILL happen for you!!!!!

 
Old 04-19-2011, 01:49 AM   #13
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Re: i fought the O man and lived another day

thank u Chris. you are a great person also. I know you are fighting ur demons but I can tell u care about those that u love fiercely and you are an extremely loyal friend. and u are right this is not a perfect world and it is full of stuff to make us miserable. I am just going to do the best i can and go day to day.

Thank you for listening to me and especially when i jabber. lol like u said it isn't perfect world. :-)

 
Old 04-19-2011, 09:49 AM   #14
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Re: i fought the O man and lived another day

Quote:
Originally Posted by Norcoguy View Post
9 months later and you are still in the sweats and WD's? holy ****** dude your scaring me, Your new life should be firmly in place now? What was your daily dose and how long did you use? Sorry im to lazy to read through archives.
Oh Narco...

grab your sword..i need you! I think i am zeroing for no reason.....it has to be the methadone...cuz this is different then oxys.....is this what they call rebound w/d's? ugh!


Sunfire dont wanna zero without the high......bummer! thats like std's without the act!! whaaa? what? that sux!


THE IMMACULATE WITHDRAWALS....


lol

going green!
beep beep!
K

 
Old 04-20-2011, 09:33 PM   #15
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Re: i fought the O man and lived another day

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Originally Posted by oxygirl View Post
thank u Chris. you are a great person also. I know you are fighting ur demons but I can tell u care about those that u love fiercely and you are an extremely loyal friend. and u are right this is not a perfect world and it is full of stuff to make us miserable. I am just going to do the best i can and go day to day.

Thank you for listening to me and especially when i jabber. lol like u said it isn't perfect world. :-)


I've never experienced you jabber or jabbering.. I read where u have new eye candy (the separated man in your life). I'm not sure if I commented on it but forget what I said before and listen up. Clean your house first.. by that I mean get your place in order, get rid of your ex unless he is and will be okay with the new guy.
I am in no way a relationship expert but I wouldn't want to see this conflict adding to your stress level which in the end will cause you to use or abuse your pills. And as much as I care about our "e friendship", I think that is what"s happened. You were doing well and now I am reading you are up to xxx amount per day and considering methadone... It's not the end of the world but definetly a decision that should be made with a clear mind.

 
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