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Old 04-26-2011, 08:44 AM   #1
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5 months clean.....its getting worse!

Mindless babble? Possible relapse?

Im so slipping angry ...rageing..can't control it......I have to stay off boards ...im gonna snap......

Omg! I keep having dreams of fireing heroin.....I never dis heroin ....methadone and oxys, was my RX for myself....

I give up! I can't fight it anymore .....its like im swimming against changeing currents....

Any advice? Kicks in the a**? Or just read and pass on by?
No hope here.....so ready to go back and cause some havoc! Call 411.......kims raging ..its so bad I wanna fight .........



Kim
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Im always being chased by a dragon (RSD) and can't seem to stop chasing dragons(OH)....

Last edited by free1day; 04-26-2011 at 08:50 AM.

 
Old 04-26-2011, 08:54 AM   #2
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Re: 5 months clean.....its getting worse!

Don't sweat it K, you're just having a moment... it will pass.

Now, fireing heroin, I haven't heard that term used before but I can guess its meaning. Stay tough, if anyone can kick it, its KIM!

And if you slip, you know the addy where we will b. Just don't slip too far off course. It's a loooooooooong road back baby girl and one that is not covered in jewels and platinum. I would say stainless steel and concrete..... but there, the doors slide and we are given 3 squares a day.

At this very moment, my 92 year old great granny is being transported to the hospital as her tumor is about to rupture. My point is we all end up in the same 7x5 hole in the ground, its just how we choose to get there. (Now look what you done did Kim, you put me in a moment now too)

Last edited by corissa3; 04-26-2011 at 08:58 AM.

 
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Old 04-26-2011, 10:39 AM   #3
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Re: 5 months clean.....its getting worse!

I too had a moment Sunday but it will pass & then become less frequent. I try & think if I start again then eventually I will have to start all over again at day 1 then kinda keeps me sober This hell is not to be repeated again. Hey I cant say when it will get better as I havent found that better yet either but a false "better" for me pills is really not a real better, hope that makes sense. Going to take more vitamins & get my a** cleaning. Stay strong Kim you can do it ..u come this far baby...Hay why dont u treat yourself to something else today, something purely selfish & indulging, anything except drugs

 
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Old 04-27-2011, 01:07 AM   #4
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Re: 5 months clean.....its getting worse!

Since you are a friend, I would like to know how you are feeling today? Any changes in your mood?

If it makes you feel better, I had an appointment today to get my mojo juice (methadone) will I over bleached my jeans ... I get out of the car and sure as Obama was born in Hawaii, I split right up Hershey highway and since Commando was one of my favorite movies, yeah, I live it daily ... I had to leave to get a pair of bottoms to hide my package issued to me at birth only to find out that I didn't have enough money to return (gas)....luckily the doc gave me my drink from the local pharm...

wow i wrote this entire piece while watching a marriage show cuz mine is in the pooper..

 
Old 04-27-2011, 07:42 AM   #5
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Re: 5 months clean.....its getting worse!

Chris--you made coffee come out of my nose!!!!! Thank you for always being there for all of us--either to scare the living shiot out of me when i really need it or----to make me laugh so hard i wanna **** my pants!

Kim- This is gonna sound so generic--But what did Kim really love doing before she loved doing drugs? Whay were your interests--something u would do that made you feel that old fashion good feeling? You need to find that place again.

This is something I have been thinking about lately...TRIGGERS. What are they for u? What do u like to do when your high? I use to love playing on phone and on f-book. Like all the things i use to do that were entertaining to me when i was high are no longer fun now straight. So I guess what im saying is we need to find a completely new routine--switch it up doing something diffrent that way your not thinking about what were missing so much. I know im kinda babbling here. But Im going though the same thing right now and when im doing something that i use to love to do when im high--thats when i really start having cravings.

Keep your chin up girl--U have came a long way!! Im proud of u and so is everyone else!

Take Care

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Old 04-27-2011, 08:24 AM   #6
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Re: 5 months clean.....its getting worse!

Chris, thanks for laughs.
More importantly...how's your granny? My g'ma died 3 yrs ago..sad to say, but iwas so looped on o's...I don't remember the funeral ....I remember punching my cousin cuz he said he was glad she's dead....so I let him feel me...my dad....yelled at us, and said "not here! But this will get dealt with" I never got called in into the office, but my cousin got the crap beat out of him...he's 30 yrs old and my dad whooped him....omg!


Chris...its worse today...im scaring myself....I feel my heart racing and I just get mad for no reason....I went to Hollywood undead concert and I wanted to fightvso bad that I kept squaring my shoulders and I was ready if I just heard someone address me...

Question for you...do I need outside help? What kind? I've tried 12 sreppin and 5 stepping (stages of loss).... fail! NA is bs...everyone lies! I can be honest here....what do I do?

K
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Im always being chased by a dragon (RSD) and can't seem to stop chasing dragons(OH)....

 
Old 04-27-2011, 09:10 AM   #7
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Re: 5 months clean.....its getting worse!

I know what is wrong with me..Thanks Love, you helped me too see..

I cant go back to the old me....when I started opiates I was battleing a disease and still am...Girl! I am a builder....I have been building commerical, residential and Highway since i was 16..

My diesase does not allow me to be physical...thats why me wanting to fight is destructive...i just has back surgurey....they would kill mee.....I am self destructing..I cant hang with the pain anymore....my skin on the right leg is blistering and ozzing cuz of RSD....it is a hateful disease...cant help to blame my RSD for my addiction, how do you get away from something that lives inside you but you cant control and it will end in death, but a long and painful one...most of use commit suicide or OD! either way...we do it!

So, maybe I just dont have any choice at this point....
DEATH OR DEATH? what would you choose?
Death with Pain? Death with an Addiction? which would you choose?

in deep,
K
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Im always being chased by a dragon (RSD) and can't seem to stop chasing dragons(OH)....

Last edited by free1day; 04-27-2011 at 09:13 AM.

 
Old 04-27-2011, 09:16 AM   #8
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Re: 5 months clean.....its getting worse!

OMG! I cant belive i just posted that...i never read my post before posting, because it doesnot give me a chance to chnge my meaning...... only my speliing errors...
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Old 04-27-2011, 09:28 AM   #9
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Re: 5 months clean.....its getting worse!

Quote:
Originally Posted by corissa3 View Post
Since you are a friend, I would like to know how you are feeling today? Any changes in your mood?

If it makes you feel better, I had an appointment today to get my mojo juice (methadone) will I over bleached my jeans ... I get out of the car and sure as Obama was born in Hawaii, I split right up Hershey highway and since Commando was one of my favorite movies, yeah, I live it daily ... I had to leave to get a pair of bottoms to hide my package issued to me at birth only to find out that I didn't have enough money to return (gas)....luckily the doc gave me my drink from the local pharm...

wow i wrote this entire piece while watching a marriage show cuz mine is in the pooper..
We do it all the time but we are lil dumber...we go commando in mini skirts,,,thats why you get coooooooter shots! Hey dont sweat it Chris....we had a friend at the lake and we called him Water Balls..he thought it was cuz he had guts on the water but we girls always saw his on the water..lol! I hope I dont get a refraction for that! lol
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Old 04-27-2011, 09:38 AM   #10
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Re: 5 months clean.....its getting worse!

Quote:
Originally Posted by RSDfree1day View Post
OMG! I cant belive i just posted that...i never read my post before posting, because it doesnot give me a chance to chnge my meaning...... only my speliing errors...
Kim,

See that is the second time Ive heard u say that you never ever read your old threads. There is something important behind that. I challenge you to do it. I guarantee it will help you stay staight. Start from your first post---see how far you have come.

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Old 04-27-2011, 11:04 AM   #11
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Re: 5 months clean.....its getting worse!

I see your point, on reading my posts...but I dont agree...i see it as walking past my dealers house to stay strong.....

I cant keep going back to yesterday not even to remind myself of where i have been.....i have to keep moving...cuz what is back there still is a threat..do you see? even tomorrow is a bigger threth, but i rather fight new demons then old ones....does that make sense or is it crazy talk?

You see the demons i have i cant just talk about it and it go away or change my behavior and poof! i am recovered....I cant just 12 step it and YAY! me I opened and closed dorrs...you see my family gave up on me before opiates...RSD does that to families...its a proven fact! I dont have people to say i am sorry to, but my nuclear family and that was addressed....Ive never been into religion or the creater....So, the is just Hogwash to me....so do I need shrink? ummmmm! NO!

You know what RSD needs? A CURE! girl it is like MS and Cancer rolled into one.....It eats at your autonomic nervous system from your brain and spinal cord by sending destructive pain signals....how messed up is that? Pretty messed up..

K
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Im always being chased by a dragon (RSD) and can't seem to stop chasing dragons(OH)....

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Old 04-27-2011, 02:38 PM   #12
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Re: 5 months clean.....its getting worse!

pl][,\klm ],..

RSD.. forgive me, but what exactly is RSD?

Now, it was my turn to laugh when you said you hated N/A bcuz every 1 lies... so freakin true! I remember sitting in class stating how long I had been clean only to go to the washroom and use!

Kim, b cuz I don't "know" you, I can't say if you need help. You seem like a lovable, out going wild child with the inner peace of knowing you have a FREE spirit. I can see you at that concert squaring up and just waiting for those two words.... "Wanna go!?" LOL. If you were my girl, I'd hold you all night until you felt better then of course you wouldn't feel too good for too long cuz you'd have that big breakfast to make come morn'. All kidding aside, if you feel you need help, pls get it.. we would miss ya round here.

I don't like feeling sad when I come here so TAKE IT BACK! TAKE IT BACK KIM AND PROMISE ME YOU WON'T RE TAKE BACK WHAT I AM ASKING YOU TO TAKE BACK!!!!!!!!!! IM NOT PLAYIN EITHER .... TAKE IT BACK! TIB! <--stands for take it back.

Last edited by corissa3; 04-27-2011 at 02:41 PM.

 
Old 04-28-2011, 06:53 AM   #13
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Re: 5 months clean.....its getting worse!

Chris,

I TAKE IT BACK! I TAKE IT BACK!.....HOW WILL I EVER BE WORTHY OF YOU?
I am sorry for my sadness. I am sorry I brought you down with me...I have a mood altering effect oh People...FOr the most I am happy, but I am not today! again!


I post on the Reflex Sympatheic Dystrophy Board....I was posting back in 2000 under Budko, then recently Homietip2011/Homie2011, and now ME!...RSD FREE ! DAY! I only started posting here since my habit!

What is RSD? you ask? you sure you sure you wanna know? cuz it aint pretty!
WE HAVE A NERVOUS SYTEM....PART OF THAT SYSTEM IS THE SYMPATHIC NERVOUS SYSYEM..THERE ARE PARTS TO IT....ASYMPATHIC AND PARA SYMPATCHIC....THEY CONTROL ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL YOU INVOLUNTARY FUNCTIONS...ALLLLLLLLL...

so RSD starts out with chronic pain on odd things that docs cant test or corralate, yet. So they say u have MS, MG, MD, and even Mental Illness....Well, by the time they dx you..its too late.....to stop RSD you have to get Ganglion Blocks, basicly stop pain with INJECTIONS anywhere your ganglion nerve chains are....if they wait too long....you end up like me and millions of others...addicted, alone, and dying....after 10 years it went from my melon and arm to my whole body...You are home all day...want to get to know me for real? go read my secrects of pain.....and maybe you might say..DAMN! Girl..if it were me....I'd do this.................?????????


Ok, so my update on my immaculate w/d's and all my reasons for my fears....

My Doc worked me in yesterday...I am going to give the short story K?

i get sores as you read....well, i have been losing my voice for months..thought is was muscle wasting...nope! LEISONS from RSD! (No stopping them, ever!)! the damage on my legs are spreading..oddly...Doc says you can see the tissue death from outside, now..He feels it maybe my veins bcuz the damage is following my vein trials...So, off to Dermatologist...then probly a Rheumoltoligt or Nuero..........In addition to that I have brochitis, strep, and fever of 103. They RX'd a Steroid Burst and Antibiotics.

oh Chris! RSD? ADDICTION?

my throat is damaged and ill always talk like a 900 # Girlly! Hey! there is a thought....."HOLA! Pappi....this is Carrrrrrrrrrrrmen! Where can I take you tonight?" OMG! That is funny! I am Chicana, Latina, if you will..my family is from Spain and Mexico....LOL My Great Grandpa.....stole my Gma from Mexico....dang Spainish invaders!
Now, you know why I am so strong...greww up with 8 boys and was treated like a boy until I got boobies...then I just didnt get beat up anymore, but i could still dish it out lol, dummie they stopped hitting me, i was ready to go..boobs or not...Breasts are like weapons! Bang! Bang! oh nooooo! I tell my dauthger I am a Tom Boy and she says no mom you are GRanola Girl! cuz you are beautiful...i love her! Naaah! I more EMO...lol

i am trying to be positive for you ,bcuz I never want to be the cause of your pain or sorrow...you know why? because I am a lady.....

FYI! I love to cook......On Easter...cuz I'm brown folk (my hubby is whither then the driven snow)...i made red chilli ribs, rice, beans, torillas, and enchilladas....all from scratch BABY! it was worse than thanksgiving..I started cooking at 8 am and we ate at 5 pm....that was a full day....It was a good feeling that everyone was happy and food cravings were met.....



soooooooooooooo, whats your 411? goat roper! (from joe dirt)
Funny story! we were young and the cousin i decked..use to help brand cattle and i use to tease him that he was going to grew up branding goats cuz he couldnt hold the calves....then my brothers got invloved and then they called him the kitty brander for years......hes 3 years younger then me and he is still running with big dogs but p..ing like a puppy...too funny

K
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Im always being chased by a dragon (RSD) and can't seem to stop chasing dragons(OH)....

Last edited by free1day; 04-28-2011 at 07:01 AM.

 
Old 04-28-2011, 08:40 AM   #14
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Re: 5 months clean.....its getting worse!

Chris Chris Chris..I figured out something! I am not a bi**h...My brothers and cousins teased me so much and beat me up that I am just like them....oh man! now i have to deal man issues?

Only Girl Syndrome...hey can i get post traumatic distress syndrome from my brothers? it was always their war and my battle! lol...oh thank god they only liked the BIG girls..i could have been doomed...whew! dodged a bullet!

K
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Im always being chased by a dragon (RSD) and can't seem to stop chasing dragons(OH)....

Last edited by free1day; 04-28-2011 at 08:43 AM.

 
Old 04-28-2011, 05:47 PM   #15
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Re: 5 months clean.....its getting worse!

hey....about n/a.....I was the one in the bathroom with you laighing ciz I was ready to my 60 day chip...hey I was cekebrating my zeroning.......I hate those chips! Stupid...here lil girl...here's your yreat...try and snort that...lmao! Stupid sponsers...
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