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Old 04-27-2011, 12:34 PM   #1
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Update #2

Hey everyone, sorry, I was working alot and didn't get a chance to sit down and tell my side. However, I always make time for all of your stories.

I got a refill on my subutex so I could taper down more. I finished it 2 days ago at about 1 mgs. I am not feeling so well today. I am having severe depression and anxiety. I am getting worried because I am concerned that my issuses may be more severe than a dependence on narcotics.

Right now, I have no desire to take any opiates, but I am dealing with terrible physical sensations. I tingle all over my body as if I am having a stroke. I am extremely depressed and apathetic. I actually had a crying spell last night. Something I haven't done in years. I did not sleep the best. I am taking low dose of valium, which I hadnt taken since a panic attack 2 weks ago and I am taking 5 mgs of ambien.

I want to be honest with my feelings. I know this will pass. However, as I have gotten older, I am havng harder times dealing with withdrawals. I AM NOT SUICIDAL, but I can see how something can drive someone to that route. I feel awful. Mentally and physically, but my eternal optimisim says give it time. I guess that is all I can do,,but I can not stress enough how I woudlnt wish how I feel right now on even my worst enemy. I have to be careful when I say stuff. I met a wonderful 67 year old British woman in Detox and she is the funniest sweetest lady. Talking to her allayed my fears abit.

I will get better but please think if me I really need some good energy and when I focus on all of you, my anxiety goes down.

 
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Old 04-28-2011, 07:18 AM   #2
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Re: Update #2

Give it some more time Musicman. I think we have discussed this before, but what about a antidepressant? Or how about good old St. Johns Wart? Its worth giving it a try. My dad swore by it. Sometimes that ambien can be more harm then help. I know ive told u that i had suffered with insomnia in my past--I had a horriable experience from it--I felt like i was never getting rem sleep--just was sedating me--for like a month straight! i went coo coo for a while till i finally got it out of my system-when i stopped taking it - i didnt sleep for a week straight. So when i went through my wd from tramadol-i knew it wasnt a option- i actually tried MELATONIN 5mg- actually worked like a charm! Maybe u can give it a try so u dont build a addiction from them dang ambiens. I dont mean to be a pain in the butt--i know u r having a rough time--but i cant help but to wonder if those ambiens are making it worse for u. Let me know your thoughts--and how u r doing--Im here for u as always my friend.

Last edited by Administrator; 10-01-2012 at 01:34 PM.

 
Old 04-28-2011, 04:16 PM   #3
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Re: Update #2

hey MM, Oxygirl has really missed you, surprised she wasnt 1st post, Your symptoms even being what they are, could still be another phase of the opiate detox.

Last edited by Norcoguy; 04-28-2011 at 04:18 PM.

 
Old 04-28-2011, 06:21 PM   #4
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Re: Update #2

Thanks Carolyn and Norco.. I just have to give it time.. I am sure its all related.. I also have had some life stressors over the last 2 months and I am sure that it is not helping.

Carolyn, I agree about the ambien.. I am going to lay off it. I have never had any sort of dependence on it but I agree that I think it is affecting my mood and it is probably not a good idea.

The one thing I am happy about is my not smoking. Been almost three weeks. No desire and no patch. The thought of how awful and more anxiety ridddled I would be smoking is definitely a detterant.

 
Old 04-28-2011, 07:00 PM   #5
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Re: Update #2

Hey MM, no one and may I repeat that NO ONE likes a showoff! It's one thing to beat a horrible addiction but to beat two at once!? C'mon, I got my wife looking at me saying "What good are you?" In the future, please post one successful event at a time.

For crying out loud man, have you no compassion? J/K congrats MM... I (not like I am important) am so proud of you. Not to take away from the narcotic addiction habit kicking but could you briefly explain HOW THE HELL DID YOU STOP SMOKING?

 
Old 04-28-2011, 07:27 PM   #6
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Re: Update #2

Haha Corissa.
I will tell you how.. This is a freaky story. I smoked from 12-17. I had quit at 17 and not had one puff, not one.. until Aug 2009 when I walked into a magazine store and impulsively bought a pack of smokes. My dad was in the hospital at the time with a severe staph infection and I was under a lot of stress. Now, than can not be the only reason why. I lost my mother to lung cancer in 2005 and certaintly, I never knew stress until that horrid year where I watched my mother die. I NEVER would think of having a cigarette during her illness so I do not know why when my dad was sick, I would smoke. I literally never had one craving in 22 years. I recently found out that the relapse rate of smoking after 20 years is POINT 7 percent...

Now. The fact that I started smoking had really wreaked havoc on my mental health and I really feel that this is what has made my quitting opiates much more difficult. I am more upset that I started smoking than the actual fact. I HATE it. It has caused me so much anxiety and has made me lose over 20 pounds, but I continued to puff away even though it sent my anxiety through the roof BIG TIME.

I know you hate my long winded stories so this is how I quit... After a few stints over the past 18 months of not smoking, I use the patch. I never got addicted to that the whole ritual of smoking. I guess I craved the nicotine. So the patch provided me with more a buzz than the actual smoking!!! So I used the patch for 10 days and then realized one day last week that I never put one on.. and that was that! So since I have only been smoking again for only 18 months, I think it was much easier to stop than if I had been for a longer time.

I suggest if you are going to use some sort of nictoine therapy, I would use the patch and not the gum.. I hear the gum is awful for you and people get very addicted to it and it caused a host of other problems.

 
Old 04-28-2011, 07:40 PM   #7
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Re: Update #2

Thank you I guess. I was hoping for a more ganster quitting approach but yours will do.. I guess. J/K, I was kinda hoping that you smoked 7 packs a day, have a piece of lung left the size of a slice of bread and you wore 4 patches on top of smoking but either way, you did quit.

Congrats, I have quit twice in the past but this time, I am going to continue to not smoke. I owe it to a lot of people to stop so stop I must.

I don't mind the gum..... quick story coming up.


I was in rehab in Toronto. After your graduation, you are allowed 3 weeks of the patch, the gum and the inhaler for $5 bucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND YOU CAN CONTINUE TO RECEIVE IT FOR $5 FOR ANOTHER 3 WEEKS ($15 TOTAL).

 
Old 05-19-2011, 06:26 AM   #8
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Re: Update #2

Hey MusicMam--

Been thinking about u a lot lately. I know your busy with work and fighting the fight. I just want to hear you are ok? Please throw me a line and let me know what's going on. I log on every morning and drink my coffee and hope to see a post from you my friend. Whatever your status is im hear to listen. Good or bad! Lots of (hugs) being sent your way today. Hope to hear from you soon.

Last edited by Administrator; 10-01-2012 at 01:34 PM.

 
Old 05-20-2011, 01:30 AM   #9
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Re: Update #2

yes Carolyn I am also wondering how he is doing. Musicman if u are reading this please let us know. Like Carolyn said good or bad. we are all on the journey together some of us are just at different distances to the finish line!

 
Old 05-20-2011, 05:53 PM   #10
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Re: Update #2

Hi guys! Sorry I haven't responded earlier. I am doing sorta ok. I went back to detox last week. My back went out and I went back on the oxycodone. However, the main issue is not so much the oxycodone anymore, it is my mental state about the whole situation. I worked myself into a frenzy about taking the pills that my anxiety was so intense. I am not worried about being oxy free down the road. This will happen. What I need to do now is deal with the tremendous anxiety depression that has been in place for a long time but it exploding recently.

I am going to try and keep this brief because it is so complex and long. So here it goes... Bottom line, I suffer from terrible anxiety with some depression and bad insomnia. My longing to be drug free is sort of inhbiting me from really recovering. I am so adamant about getting drugs out of my system and cleaning my brain chemistry, that it is actualy consuming my life and thoughts.

I cycle through sleep meds when I need them and never have had an addiction to benzos and ambien. Benzos I take very very sparingly so I never feel that I am ruining my brain chemistry when I take them. Ambien acts different to me. I cycle through that 3-4 weeks most nights and then I will not take it for months upon months. Well last week I was up to about 7 weeks of usage at about 5-15mgs a day for when I came out of detox. Here is where the fun starts. I woke up last Wednesday morning with utterly HORRIFIC anxiety. I could not understand why it was so bad. I was taking my oxy sparingly as well as my back was recovering. I never used oxy as an anxiety reducer because it never works that way for me. However it will usually alleviate some of my anxiety when I am not thinking so hard that I am poisoning myself!!! So I suffered through this anxety for three days. I would go to bed and wake up at 3am with adrenaline rushes and terrifying anxiety. I would get up for an hour and try and calm down. I would calm down enough to fall back asleep at 430. However when I woke up at 8 or 9am I would have the same horrendous feelings. On friday I called the detox doctor and hospital and told them I felt that ambien was causing this and the mixture of oxycodone was making me awful. I wanted to come back in for detox and support. I was not eating at all, smoking like a chimney, and dry heaving for 3 days. I told him I felt safe there and wanted off the oxy and make sure the ambien withdrawal would not hurt me.

He was willing to treat me again and told me to come in on Saturday morning for treatment. Well, Friday evening I was cleaning out my bag and that is when I realized I had taken 14 ambien in the wee hours of Wednesday morning inn an amnesiac state! I was relieved but terrified!! This would at least explain why my anxiety was off the chart for a few days. But I was scared I had poisoned myself!

My insurance paid for this visit under benzo withdrawal. I felt safe being there and I put on some weight. I am good at supporting others. When I do this, my anxiety stops because I am not focused on myself. I must be the only person who likes going into the detox unit of my local hospital!! I feel at ease, safe, and supported. I got out on Wednesday but we really had to figure out what I was going to do. The issue is not so much opiate withdrawal, but what I really never wanted to admit, that I have legitimate anxiety and depression. I was scared to admit this for fear of being labelled crazy.

My course of treatment is now following through and seeing a psychiatrist. I did not want to do this because I was terrified of being thrown on antidepressants. I am so fixated on getting drugs out of my system and evaluating my mental state that this consumes my thoughts and makes my anxiety/depression worse! Its a paradoxical situation. My doctor told the psych all this and this psych knows that if it is possible I want to avoid antidepressants, but I am willing to be more open minded about this.

Sorry this is so long. I feel much better that the ambien is out of my system. Yesterday I sat and pondered real deeply about cycles of intense anxiety. I concluded that the real bad cycles had come when I was in a cycle of taking Ambien. There is no doubt that the ambien last week ( especially 14) really messsed me up. My refills are cancelled and my PC doc, who knows everything about my history, has put it in my chart that it causes an adverse reaction. I will never take it again, nor do I have a desire to.

Again, I am very confident that my issues will be resolved, but I can no longer take a backseat and wait for time to pass thinking I will be better. It is going to take a lot of work on my part to feel better and I think I finally realized that I have to do the work.

 
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Old 05-21-2011, 12:02 AM   #11
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Re: Update #2

glad to know u are positive about ur treatment. just drop us a line and let us know how u are from time to time. i can't say a whole lot here cause i am still at the battleground with the roxis but i am still taking less than i am prescribed. i am sort of wanting to clear my body of chemicals but i know that isn't going to happen cause i have to take my cymbalta and migraine meds so i guess i am just learning to deal with the fact that hey i am not 21 and in perfect health anymore. take care musicman....

 
Old 05-23-2011, 06:59 AM   #12
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Re: Update #2

God I told u that Ambien is some crazy stuff! Now being off of it for the first week is gonna be difficult--this is where i almost lost my mind because the insomnia went on for a few days--Have you tired some Melatonin 5 mg with a class of milk at night before bed? I swear to god it works---wished i went that route a long time ago. Lets talk about Antidepressants for a min. I swear on my life i was dead set against ever taking them--EVER. But when i got off the ambien 2 years ago--Musicman--i could not stop crying for nothing!! It was so intense and went on forever! YOu know i have kids so --I felt bad --they would just keep bringing me tissue and say--Do u miss your Daddy? Remember i lost my dad 3 years ago and i still cry over him being gone--but this was rediculous!!!!! So i gave in and did it for my kids! No more crying plus i think it helped me sleep at night too--take it at bedtime i was told!! Doc kept saying what came first depression or insomnia--finally i realized How sad i was--he put me on a low mg of zoloft at night time 50mg--want u to know I have never felt diffrent or buzzed or nothing--justt realised one day i stopped crying and was finally being positive--

U dont have to stay on it forever just try it out--please dont let them throw u on zanax---u and i both know that is HELL! I bet this zoloft or something new or better is exactly what u need--u sound just like me and what i was going through--I totally understand and completley relate. Im hear if u need to talk.

Last edited by Administrator; 10-01-2012 at 01:35 PM.

 
Old 05-23-2011, 09:00 PM   #13
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Re: Update #2

Many docs will prescribe a low dose anti-depressant for insomnia before they give out the heavy hitters like Ambien, Lunesta or Sonota.

Just an FYI.

 
Old 05-24-2011, 08:23 AM   #14
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Re: Update #2

Carolyn u sound like u are doing fantastic. I too was on zoloft but a higher dose of it. My doc switched me to cymbalta because I was starting to not feel any relief of my depression symptoms. It is almost like the zoloft quit working for me. However, I have fibromyalgia and had real bad issues with chronic fatigue syndrome. I didn't think that the cymbalta worked until about 1 month after I started taking it (i was on 30mg at first which is really only a starter dose) I woke up one morning and felt different. I wasn't as tired and dreading doing little things like get a shower and put dishes in the dishwasher. I was moved up to 60 mg a month later and have continued to benefit from the medicine. I am still working on coming off the roxicodone tablets but I have real bad arthritis in my neck and spine and it is very hard. Plus I have really bad knees. I had surgery on one of them and it is still a little stiff. weight loss of 20 pounds helped a great deal. If I could lose 20 more I would be set (maybe). I think drugs are a lifesaver but also they are the devil in disguise. before u know it addiction/physical dependence sneaks upon u and u are in a very viscious cycle. My daughter tried to tell me that I was not an addict but only physically dependent. I tried to tell her that I think the two go hand in hand. If the body didn't want them the mind wouldnt try to figure out how to get them! lol.... I have a prescription and have cut down from 4 to 2.5 and sometimes 3. I should be down more on that but I have had some personal issues and not really had the inspriation to try to cut further.

Musicman, I hope this post finds u well. and I am with carolyn on the antidepressants. Sometimes u just have to have a little help in this life to get u through. there is not "buzz" issue with them and unless u are bipolar I don't think that they would cause u any problems. Just talk to the doctor about this. It would be wonderful to be chemical free and I know u want to be but u may have to take baby steps first. good luck to ya

 
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Old 05-24-2011, 01:33 PM   #15
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Re: Update #2

Thanks Oxygirl everyday is a challenge for me. I cant wait till my insurance kicks in. I want to talk to my doc about the Cymbalta too-- That might just be what i really need. I feel tired a lot and have a hard time getting going all the time.

I think you sound like your doing really well too. I know u like to beat yourself up abbout your roxi's but u have legitimate pain...and u said it the best about how fast a dependency sneaks up and whether its physical or mental--that pill can fix u -- no matter which way u look at it. Now if theres no pain like in my case then thats another story--that would be self inflicted--Which i take full ownership to my addiction unfortunately. Not to proud of that. Yesterday i got into it with someone on these boards shaming people that abuse there meds..Let me tell ya i was so mad. Your the perfect example how everyday is a struggle when u live in pain---theres is a fine line beetween pain management and addiction.

Sorry Musicman us girls are taking your thread over again.

Last edited by Administrator; 10-01-2012 at 01:35 PM.

 
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