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Old 05-13-2011, 12:14 PM   #1
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Question New member, self-med'ing w/morphine

Hi. I hope this is an active forum bc i'm not sure i have any other outlet for my concerns/questions.

Firstly, I'm not even sure i'm addicted to non-prescribed drugs. In the beginning i felt like i needed narcotic pain meds for several reasons. I have sought pain relief from my doctors for the last several years. I hurt. I don't feel good (emotionally & physically). I was always advised i'm fine, it's mental not physical, and to take advil.

I was using advil and tylenol so much that my doctor recently told me it MAY be one of the causes of my regular nausea - i tend to get sick at the end of the day, if i've used more than 4 or 5 doses of advil (or it's generic). I take 3-4 at a time, 4-5 times a day. This hardly relieves the incredible jaw aches, headaches, back pain, hand weakness/cramps, etc. Not to mention that i have cracked teeth i cannot afford to replace and am too vain to have pulled while there is still a remote chance of saving them. I admit some of the pain is due to stress - i clench really hard at times and suffer pain from this.

So several years ago, following the birth of my son and a subsequent tubal i received several bottles of narcotic pain medications. At that time i did not use them. But over the last year or two, i began using them. 2 or 3 at a time, usually in the early evening. When they were gone, i found them from friends. I've even paid for them. Now i take/buy whatever narcotic pain meds i can get my hands on. I am not sure that i'm heavily abusing them or that i'm addicted. I've used what people call oxy, roxy, morphine, vicodin.

Recently i feel that i cannot combat the pain without them. I try all sorts of things - exercising, resting, stretching, massage, etc. Recently i use about 5 30mg purple morphine pills a week. I snort them so i can divy out the pill instead of taking it all at once.

The last time i used was last weekend. I went thru about 8 over the 3-day weekend, and left myself 3 to wean myself off of. The last dose of about 10mg was tuesday night. It's been almost 3 days. I don't want to use them illegally and inappropriately. But i have got to feel better.

Is this addiction? At that amount? Seems like a small amount when i hear of people taking dozens of pills at a time several times a day.

So now i feel just crappy. I'm weeping without crying - it's like my frigging tears will not stop. I'm irritable like i've quit smoking (which i'm also trying to do, but couldn't go without them these last few days - i had made it 48 hours last week).

Can anyone give me hope that this is nearly over? What to expect next?

I fear admitting this misuse to my doctor but i want to be on some sort of pain management. I can barely open my hands some days, and lifting things like jugs of milk or pots of food are impossible. I've had nerve conduction tests. My headaches are so bad that it feels like my head is heavy and large on my neck - no matter how i lie down i cannot get it to rest comfortably. I have been seeing sparkly lights in my field of vision.

Anyway, if i admit this to the doctor what will happen to me? Will i be reported to the law or DCF? Is there even anything the doctor will do to help me? So far i have not found any help. The doc refers me to a shrink, the shrink sends me back to the doc. No one seems to believe my pain.

 
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Old 05-13-2011, 12:23 PM   #2
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Re: New member, self-med'ing w/morphine

A couple of things, 1. If you're snorting morphine, I'd say your addicted. Most folks who take it for legitimate pain just take a pill.

2. If you go to a Dr. and tell them that you've been taking whatever narcotics you can get off the street or from friends and that your snorting morphine....well I don't know about DSS, but I can pretty much guarantee you they aren't going to treat you at all, ever.

You need to get yourself straight so you can tell what is actual pain and what is from the drugs and lack thereof, once you've cleaned up and done that, then you could go to a dr. if you still feel the need for stronger meds than OTC ones, but plan on never mentioning your illegal drug use.

 
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Old 05-13-2011, 12:29 PM   #3
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Re: New member, self-med'ing w/morphine

makes sense that if i tell the doc about this misuse then they can't treat me. but at the same time i feel worse than ever, i suppose in part to the effect of going off the opiates. i just want some relief!

they weren't treating me anyway when i was complaining of my pain. they say it's in my head or part of my mental diagnoses.

sucks. but i'm sure i'm nothing compared to what others go through at forums like this.

thanks for your reply. it's appreciated to hear back from someone, anyone.

 
Old 05-14-2011, 08:14 PM   #4
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Re: New member, self-med'ing w/morphine

Let me ask, did you have an injury of any type or an accident anything to cause your pain? You say you just hurt and don't feel good, but honestly that is not enough to have legitimate need for pain meds. Do you have a legitimate reason for thinking that you need pain meds?

 
Old 05-16-2011, 06:16 AM   #5
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Re: New member, self-med'ing w/morphine

Thank you for your response.

I don't have any diagnoses injury that is the known source of my pain. I have been visiting my primary doctor for the last 3 years to determine the source of the pain in my wrists/hands and the horrible headaches and jaw pain. I've seen my dentist, too. (currently i have excellent dental health, with the exception of 3 cracked teeth, my top 2 front teeth and one molar: 2 of which were caused by a blow to the mouth during an event of DV several years ago, i've repaired these 2 on 2 separate occasions, but evidently it is not "taking" and now they need root canals/crowns. The last one is cracked after a previous filling must have fallen out and become further damaged. I'm too vain to have them pulled outright while there is still any hope that i can repair them (again), it's just i can't afford the work now. they hurt also, but less than the jaw/face/head pain that comes on after being so tense from stress).

They always send me back to my shrink & counselor. Both seem to think it is only stress and/or anxiety, which i've been diagnosed with all the acronyms of mental illness that exisit (i think, *sigh*). However, these mental health diagnoses are guesses and since none of the prescribed medications seem to treat my symptoms (only causing more) i have chose to end most medication therapy. I do keep ativan, bc at times of crisis it does seem to bring be back down.

I've speculated so much on my pain. At first i thought it might be related to the birth of my son, bc that is when it started to get bad. I thought maybe i had side effects from the epidural that give me the irregular shooting pains from my back and hip. I thought maybe bc i was nursing, i had given myself some sort of longterm strain of my wrists/hands. I've always had bad headaches and pain, mostly limited to my cycle (which is irregular at best) and my ob/gyn has always prescribed me a small dose of medication for that pain which would enable me to remain functioning and working where without it i'd be balled up on the floor cramping and rocking.

I regularly have had leg cramping, which i've attributed to iron and B-vitimin deficiencies (i take supplements now).

But now that i can't seem to clutch anything or lift anything without shocking pain, i wanted an answer for that.

It's a catch-22 because once the pain starts, if i can't thwart it quickly i get on a mental trip about what is wrong and why i can't get the pain under control. That, in turn, causes me to tense up which leads to more pain. Ultimately i end up with this horrible jaw pain and headache. I know it's stupid to not be able to relax, but that is my problem.

I don't know why i hurt. I sometimes wonder if i'm some sort of whimp, or if i don't make the natural pain response/treatment that people do. I mean, if my brain is so messed up with all these other mental health issues because of not firing or whatever, couldn't i also have a problem with pain? I don't know. It's frustrating.

Sorry that was so rambling, it's just in short...i don't know what is wrong with me. I keep asking for medical help, and keep getting the same answer - anxiety, etc.

I'm feeling a little more at ease today, as it has been nearly a week since i've had any narcotic pain meds. The worry over whether i was addicted and would go thru withdrawal was very upsetting to me. I think bc i used such a small amount, i must not have experienced any long lasting too terrible reactions to quitting. I'm still having trouble taking advil, if i could pinpoint the reason for any naseau it would be those stupid pills.

Thank you again. Hope you have a nice start to your week.

 
Old 05-16-2011, 06:20 PM   #6
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Re: New member, self-med'ing w/morphine

Chris Dee75, from what you have said, my concern would be if you had easy access to the meds, you would abuse them since that is what you already do when you have them. That said, you very well may have legitimate pain and if you can I would look into seeing a rheumatologist to get a complete workup if you haven't already. I also agree with Kaitlan in that if you could stay off the meds for a period of time to see what is really there that isn't related to withdrawling or something related to the up and down use of the meds.

I am sorry that it sounds like the medical community has failed you, and for many of us in chronic pain, we have had to climb an up hill battle, and it's not an easy road. But compared to heading down the road to full blown addiction, it's a breeze!

 
Old 05-19-2011, 12:56 PM   #7
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Re: New member, self-med'ing w/morphine

Thanks for writing a reply. I have been "off" of any narcotic pain meds for the last 9-10 days and other than some initial discomfort (on which my anxiety and OCD led me to search for support and information, brining me here to healthboards) i'm okay. I still have the underlying pain, although i think it's worse when i'm anxious about any other thing. Of course next i got my monthly cycle and had those crappy cramps that i'm used to, combined with some extra difficult congestion that while trying to cough away started to hurt my chest (like even the muscles were sore, as if coughing can make you have a pain that way). Sometimes i just think i'm very very week and feeble. But that's better than suffering from heavy addiction, of course.

So i'm trying to keep a journal with info about my aches and pains. Hopefully as i discuss this with the doctor they will take me seriously or at least explain what is causing it which i honestly feel may take away some of the anxiety and stress and therefore alleviate a little of the discomfort.

Thanks again.

 
Old 05-19-2011, 01:39 PM   #8
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Re: New member, self-med'ing w/morphine

You keep talking about being weak and feeble because you are hurting. I just want you to know that I believe you do have legitimate pain, I don't think you are weak or feeble at all, but that no one so far has found out why. I agree with Boxerluver in that I think a rheumatologist is the right doctor to see to get to the bottom of this. I have the exact same kinds of pains in my hands. I can't grasp or lift objects, it hurts to even lift my hands to comb my hair. I have been diagnosed with Lupus and Fibromyalgia. I am not saying that's what you have, but just that until I found a good rheumy doctor, all my other doctors brushed me off.

Good luck!

 
Old 05-19-2011, 07:43 PM   #9
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Re: New member, self-med'ing w/morphine

ChrisDee,

i've just read your last post and it just doesn't seem like you have any major kind of pain, meaning the kind that requires narcotics or pain management. The pains you talk about, i.e. chest hurting from lots of coughing, monthly cramps, headaches that could very well be rebound headaches from all of the narcotics you were taking and the way in which you were ingesting them....these aren't extraordinary types of pain, they're just normal everyday things.

You say that you've been off of all narcotics for 9 - 10 days and you're fine....so I guess i'm just really confused why you think that you need NARCOTICS.

I'm sorry if I come off too bllunt, but you've said that you abuse meds when you had them, went so far as snorting morphine....so I'm wondering if your trying to convince yourself that your in serious pain in order to get drugs in a subconsciencous way?

 
Old 05-22-2011, 02:11 PM   #10
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Re: New member, self-med'ing w/morphine

i won't say that thought isn't impossible. sometimes i feel like i am a hypocondriac...my doctors think it's all mental anyways. o.O

 
Old 06-01-2011, 04:01 AM   #11
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Re: New member, self-med'ing w/morphine

I agree w bluesgrl. Who knows but your symptoms could be due to the two things she mentioned. I had some med questions and saw a good rheumy. It really put my mindat ease. In the mean time, make sure u eat w the Tylenol or advil.they can b hard on the tummy. I also take either compazine or zofran/ odenestra (excuse my spelling!)! Both are prescriptions u can get from thevdoc to help w the upset stomach until u figure out another solution. I get migraines and it saves my life. Both stuff works. So ask your doctor. Nothing is worse that tummy aches! Good luck ! And don't stop! I always think, if my kid have these symptoms, would I be comfortable with how I'm attacking the issue or would I be a real bullog about it? It's your life. You dont deserve to suffer and doctors don't know everything. They are not gods. Keep searching and get the relief u need. Be a bulldog! Bur make sure you treat your body w respect when u get your meds. You owe it to yourself not to go down an even more painful road. Trust me! Keep us posted!!!
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