My LoVe affair with pharmacuticals.
I have taken prescription medications all my life for a variety of purposes. As a little girl I was given anti-depressants to deal with depression after my mother died of a cocaine overdose when I was 10.
It wasn't until my 9th grade year of high-school that realized the abuse potential or prescription medication. I don't remember what lead to that discovery but I believe now that I had a predisposition for addictive substances.
I smoked week regularly and then moved on to pills. Tranquilizers, speed, amphetamines, anti-anxiety, pain pills, and sleeping pills and that is just mentioning the prescription abuse. There was also frequent use and abuse of almost every other drug.
I've struggled with depression, bi-polar disorder, anxiety, self destructive behavior, borderline personality, insomnia and poly-substance abuse almost for as long as I can remember. Because of this I was very use to taking a medication for almost anything you could dream up. I thought that all my problems could be fixed with a simple trip to the doctor for some different prescription or "pill of the week."
During the last semester of 9th grade I was busted for snorting benzo's and distributing. I was kicked out of school and sent to a "boot camp." I imagine that I was a terrible influence on my friend. I had no regard for law, rules, safely or anything else.
I still find myself looking for some easy way out of uncomfortable situations whether it be depression, anxiety, physical pain or anything else that I dream up in my head. Although I know better, I still have the same drug abuse and drug seeking behavior. Evan though I understand this it doesn't really change anything.
I am currently treated for depression, adhd, seizure, anxiety, insomnia, and chronic pain among other problems. I am perpetually sick and I never feel well. The majority of my medication are considered addictive and are narcotic in nature. I feel like I do that on purpose, subconsciously ... (becoming sick with random problem) so that I end up on medications.
The truth is that I don't know if I want to "get better" or change. I am miserable though. It always takes a toll on my friends and family.
For that I am sorry.