I have taken prescription medications all my life for a variety of purposes. As a little girl I was given anti-depressants to deal with depression after my mother died of a cocaine overdose when I was 10.
It wasn't until my 9th grade year of high-school that realized the abuse potential or prescription medication. I don't remember what lead to that discovery but I believe now that I had a predisposition for addictive substances.
I smoked week regularly and then moved on to pills. Tranquilizers, speed, amphetamines, anti-anxiety, pain pills, and sleeping pills and that is just mentioning the prescription abuse. There was also frequent use and abuse of almost every other drug.
I've struggled with depression, bi-polar disorder, anxiety, self destructive behavior, borderline personality, insomnia and poly-substance abuse almost for as long as I can remember. Because of this I was very use to taking a medication for almost anything you could dream up. I thought that all my problems could be fixed with a simple trip to the doctor for some different prescription or "pill of the week."
During the last semester of 9th grade I was busted for snorting benzo's and distributing. I was kicked out of school and sent to a "boot camp." I imagine that I was a terrible influence on my friend. I had no regard for law, rules, safely or anything else.
I still find myself looking for some easy way out of uncomfortable situations whether it be depression, anxiety, physical pain or anything else that I dream up in my head. Although I know better, I still have the same drug abuse and drug seeking behavior. Evan though I understand this it doesn't really change anything.
I am currently treated for depression, adhd, seizure, anxiety, insomnia, and chronic pain among other problems. I am perpetually sick and I never feel well. The majority of my medication are considered addictive and are narcotic in nature. I feel like I do that on purpose, subconsciously ... (becoming sick with random problem) so that I end up on medications.
The truth is that I don't know if I want to "get better" or change. I am miserable though. It always takes a toll on my friends and family.
For that I am sorry.
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: DevanLynn aquaris (06-08-2011), tinkerbell45 (05-17-2011)
PLEASE if at all possible get yourself to a doctor and tell the TRUTH however HARD that may be. I want you to live,you DESERVE to live.The way you are going through life right now isn't living life,it is just going through the motions. I know you know depression and all that is associated with it CAN be treated PLEASE PLEASE get some help.I worry about you.If at all possible PLEASE stay in touch with me and let me know how you continue to do. Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your mother i too have lost my mother at an early age and i KNOW it is REALLY hard!!
The following user gives a hug of support to tinkerbell45: DevanLynn (05-17-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to tinkerbell45 For This Useful Post: DevanLynn (05-17-2011)
hey tinkerbell, I really appreciate your response. I have had so many different "problems" that I don't take any of then seriously anymore. I do go to the doctor regularly but I'm almost 100% sure that I tailor my discussions, comment and concerns to benefit my prescription obsession. Even when I try talking to the doctor about medications that are less addictive and have less side effects I always end up having some reason to need the dangerously addictive ones. I strongly believe this is because I have an underlying substance abuse issue. My mind has absolutely no gauge on how much enough is and I always find a reason to need a little bit more. From what I have personally experienced most people would surely overdose if they attempted to do what I do. It's an expensive and wasteful way to lead like. I love my spouse and I love my kids and I don't want to die, but sometimes living is is just a complicated. Again thank you! We will keep in touch.
I am glad you got my reply and know that i am thinking about you. I am sure you can read between the lines in ALOT of these letters posted on this board so i hope you got a little extra something from my letter.PLEASE lets do stay in touch.TAKE CARE until next time and hang in there remember i AM here for you. If i dont answer RIGHT back its because i have to share computer with my hubby and sometimes he has to take it to work with him but i will answer you ASAP.
Wow DevanLynn. First of all, I'm sorry about the loss of your mother at such a young age. I'm sure you know the dangers you are doing to your mind and body. I agree with Tinkerbell, you must get help. You seem to not want to for yourself-so do it for your kids. They need you. What kind of doctor is prescribing all of this to you? Are you seeing several doctors? I don't doubt that you have all the disorders you mentioned, but all these drugs are only making everything worse. Your body is a walking pharmacy-a toxic one as I'm sure you know. Have you ever not been on drugs, like have you detoxed whether by choice or running out? You said you don't take your problems(in quotes) seriously. I'm guessing at this point addiction is your real hurdle, and the depression, anxiety, etc. are side effects of the abuse of 'medications.' your mind has no gauge on how much is enough....this is typical addiction thinking which really worries me. Mixing all this stuff is killing people every day. Eventually, your body is going will shut down from overdose. Please seek help. You say you love your spouse, kids, and pharmaceuticals. You need to love yourself!! If this doesn't kill you, it will definitely continue to make you feel worse physically and mentally. Not to mention the suffering your family is going through. Take care and keep posting please!
The Following User Says Thank You to 813roxy For This Useful Post: DevanLynn (05-18-2011)
my ex had a similar problem of addiction.
he admitted he liked getting 'high' but had feelings of guilt because he was making all of us sad...friends....family. he told me if it wasn't for that he'd probably be a happy go lucky junkie.
he would take anything --his latest was snorting oxys---he'd try to detox by getting percocet from his doctor to ease him thru the withdrawals but would end up right back with oxys. He'd do everything but tell the doctor the truth about his addiction so he could get detox---he was afraid if he told his doctor he would get nothing else out of him. it's a hard choice wanting to be clean and a rough road. i wish you luck and sincerely hope you find peace in your choices.
The following user gives a hug of support to pamela011: tinkerbell45 (06-08-2011)
It appears to be a sticky situation but i do believe i would try to get him some better before it gets wworse and trust me it IS a BIG HOT MESS OF A SITUATION!!!!Please keep me posted i do care until next time TAKE CARE!!!