I am a recovering meth amphetamine addict. I have managed to stay clean for the last 7 years (as of May 1st) and I am very proud of this. That drug, although it gave me the greatest feelings, high, energy levels, sense of self accomplishment and self worth, confidence, increased use of my talents & skills, etc. - it also nearly destroyed my life and relationships with people very close to me.
I have seriously not gone more than a day or two without craving the drug - STILL. I have tried to conquer these cravings with caffiene, diet meds, energy drinks, even other narcotics - all in some way to try to get back some kind of feeling of energy in my life. I have been exhausted, chronically fatigued for the last 7 years and cant help but remember a time when I had so much energy and strength. Now Im always tired and have no desire to do anything that I used to enjoy doing. I just want to sleep.
I have done every drug under the sun and none of them got a hold of me - I could do them all recreationally for fun then drop them quickly and not touch em again at all ever again. Heroin was a drug I did once, didn't like it and never touched it again. But meth brought me something I had never before experienced - a level of energy and a high that made me feel like I could do anything for the first time in my life. I became hooked and it took its toll on my life. Ive fought so hard to stay off of it for these last 7 years - moved far far away, changed my surroundings - Ive come sooooo far. My life is light years away from what it was.
But I cant kill these cravings. The demons are calling me and I want to give in... But I dont, I cant. Sometimes I dont feel like Im strong enough to fight this battle every single day and sometimes I just get fed up with the fact that there is a battle for me to fight every day and I just want to give in and give up.
I can't be alone out here - I tried NA & CMA, didnt work for me. My wife hates when I talk about those terrible days - it did so much damage to our relationship back then that its amazing she stood by me when it was all over but it hurts her too much to discuss it so I have no one to talk to. No one else i know understands these demons pulling at me and these cravings and thoughts that haunt me. I dont want to slip but for the first time in the last 7 years I feel like I really could slip and although I know I would ruin everything good in my life by slipping, somehow I still contemplate going thru with it. I am scared and alone and that drug keeps calling out for me
The following user gives a hug of support to sykadelik459: Mrfreshour (09-03-2011)
Hi, have you considered going to a therapist? It sounds like you have a lot of "crap" to get out and nobody to get it out to.....you'd be surprised just how much having someone to talk to who doesn't judge you or look down on you can help. It's not a miracle cure or right away answer, but something you might want to consider.
Kevin, you are not alone I quit march 15th 2000 its been over 11 years and I crave it everyday!! and like you I know the second I touch it I will lose everything good in my life, everything I worked hard to get but I still want it. The next time I pick up that pipe I will die I know this and I still think about doing it!! It is powerful drug if this is still happening this long afterwards!!
I came very close to using about 3 weeks ago, I bought the glass and blew the pipe and ended up playing that whole game of hurry up and wait, which is when I started thinking what the hell am I doing!!! Thank god it was one of those days otherwise I'd more than likely be dead right now!!! I got high from buying the glass and creating a pipe and even higher from breaking it and walking away!!
What I have found works good for me is to go for long walks that gives me energy. And of course eating healthy works also. Have you tried L-tyrosine? That works also, it can be found at any health food store.
Like you it took me moving far far away and changing my whole life around to get clean. Alls I can say is take it one day at a time, you know the consequences thats about as real as it gets!!!
If you ever need someone to talk to Im here.
The Following User Says Thank You to manicpuzzleman For This Useful Post: Phoenix (06-14-2012)
Those demons are calling you, huh? Did they chase you through the briars and brambles, and hurl huge fiery fireballs at you? Did you wake up so exhausted in the mornings that you just wanted yet another hit to simply get out of bed? No I'm not funning with you. I had my dance already with those demons. They will always be there. Those demons want to keep you addicted lest you have a mind to do something (egads!) productive with your life. You will have to face those demons down and grab a better control on your life. The demons really want to see you suffer, kill yourself (drugs), see your family/friends suffer. They want to make dure that you are going to hurl yourself into hell's fire so that they can count 'one more'. Gear your mind towards something else. Those demons will diminish, one by one.
The Following User Says Thank You to Mrfreshour For This Useful Post: Phoenix (06-14-2012)
For me the drug of choice is/was croakcaine. I call it that now because I know the next time I use it will be my last. It calls my name EACH AND EVERY DAY. Some people say that as an after thought but I live it every single day. I can't control it so I just let it happen. No sense in fighting it. And, no harm in wanting to do it, only doing it. So, I keep those fond memories of me crashing, coming down, the sweats, the deep deep depression, the thousands upon thousands I've spent and the pain it caused to those who care about me.
You are in control of your future. You either want to enjoy it, or you don't. You either want healthy relationships or you don't..... do you get what I am saying.
Me, like you, are one hit away from losing everything....It's just not worth it.
People WANT you, NEED you, PLEASE you, TAKE you, LOVE you, HATE you, PLAY you, RATE you, SAVE you and BREAK you... but it's what MAKES YOU, YOU!
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to corissa3 For This Useful Post: 3mthsofar (09-06-2011), Phoenix (06-14-2012)