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Old 06-25-2011, 08:47 PM   #1
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I'm self destructive and can't stop

My husband died 20 years ago at age 30. I've been diagnosed with Hep C. I have a 22 y.o. son. I can't stop drinking wine. I'm always alone.....have been all my life with the exception of my 13 y.o. incredible late husband. When he died, all the friends left. I've been a loner all my life. With Hep C I am killing my liver..therefore myself. I feel worthless as a mom. I tried Med's but they put me a 'zone' that has almost made me lose my job.
Now I want to quit my job as I hate the idea of even leaving my house. I'm afraid of going outside. No friends as I just can't relate to 'girl talk'..recipes...etc. I'm a lousy friend as I just can't fit in!
Has anyone gone through this.......is there ANY help for me? I've also tried counselling......omg....so so many disappointments!
I'm so scared.

 
Old 06-25-2011, 09:38 PM   #2
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Re: I'm self destructive and can't stop

Hey there... I don't think you found the right area of this board for your issue. However, you do need help and I've never been one to turn the other cheek.

I see you are from Toronto... How on earth can anyone be lonely or have nothing to do living in Toronto is beyond me. I frequent Toronto 4-5 days a week and I personally hate it as there is too much to do (I am not kidding) my wife and I fight all the time cuz she finds a zillion things and I just want to sit in the car.

Reading your story maybe you need to open up a bit. Be a bit less introverted and allow yourself to be that receipe chick. There is a place called CAMH... they are amazing for alcohol related issues. Don't let the name fool you, they are much more! I promise you, call them up and get into one of their programs and not only will you meet interesting people, you will get a grip on your drinking.

There is no reason for anyone to beat themselves up for having an addiction. No one is perfect (not even me) so if you need help and you are serious, let me know and I will PM you the contact at CAMH that literally saved MY life and they will put you in a program immediately.

I'm just going to go over the policies here at Healthboards to make sure I am not violating any rules and I'll be ready for you. So, it appears to me you no longer have to be down or feel like your in the crapper. Good luck to you.

Chris

 
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Old 06-25-2011, 09:50 PM   #3
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Re: I'm self destructive and can't stop

thank you for hearing me. I've actually checked out CAMH website, but how can I go without my job finding out....and my son! I'm all he's got and he worries about me terribly...unforuntely he found out I checked into a hospital because I was wanted to end it all. I just can't seem to find happiness. I work so hard, I have so much responsibility, it never ends and I have NO family to help me. It's get worse everyday. I really am scared. If it wasn't for my son .......I have no reason.......

 
Old 06-25-2011, 09:53 PM   #4
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Re: I'm self destructive and can't stop

I want to add that I am new to this board and don't know where I should post......again lost.

 
Old 06-26-2011, 05:42 AM   #5
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Re: I'm self destructive and can't stop

Quote:
Originally Posted by rhgirl View Post
My husband died 20 years

I've been diagnosed with Hep C. I can't stop drinking wine. I'm always alone..... I've been a loner all my life. With Hep C I am killing my liver..therefore myself. I feel worthless as a mom.

I tried Med's but they put me a 'zone' that has almost made me lose my job.
Now I want to quit my job as I hate the idea of even leaving my house. I'm afraid of going outside.
No friends as I just can't relate to 'girl talk'..recipes...etc. I'm a lousy friend as I just can't fit in!
is there ANY help for me? I've also tried counselling......omg....so so many disappointments!
I'm so scared.
Hello r,

First,let me say i'm sorry to hear about your husband and how it is still affecting you.

Your recent diagnosis,accompanied with what may be life-long depression,seem to have led you down the pathway of becoming addicted to alcohol.

Have you considered AA meetings,which are also available online?

I can relate to the isolation completely;the inability to connect is understandable.

Not everyone responds well to specific meds and often the dosages are changed or other one's administered.

The thing with counseling is that you may not find the therapist that you feel comfortable with,the first time around.

Please think about reconsidering your stance on attending.

Your mind seems to be on overload and you may benefit from expressing yourself.

Please try to think about what is best for you,at this point in time.

What advice would you provide me with,if I came to you with the same situations?

We often have adequate solutions to answers but following our own advice is not the easiest to do.
---------
Please take action now...before things multiply even further in complexity.

You can do it.

Respectfully stated,
Phoenix
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Last edited by Phoenix; 06-26-2011 at 05:44 AM.

 
Old 06-26-2011, 08:55 AM   #6
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Re: I'm self destructive and can't stop

Quote:
Originally Posted by rhgirl View Post
I want to add that I am new to this board and don't know where I should post......again lost.

You're here now so you are stuck with us... I think you'll find your way either thru the board or CAMH or both. The first step is to make the call and don't worry about others finding out. They are very discreet, in fact, they won't divulge any info without your permission. I can't address the issue of your son... I don't know why your son knowing would be an issue.. You said you have no family to help but now you do. Everyone here is here to help in some way or another.

 
Old 06-26-2011, 09:46 AM   #7
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Re: I'm self destructive and can't stop

hi Phoenix
I tried AA but had a hard time buying into it. You sit and pass around a book and each person reads a passage from the book - I didn't get it. I've also tried 2 types of med's but had the same result of feeling like I'm in the twilight zone. Also not too crazy about the side effects. Therapy.........I've been to many. The doctors that prescribe med's don't care about your story, and the other ones don't seem to understand how deep my hurt is. I admit it may take me longer than most to completely open up to a stranger but shouldn't they understand and be patient? Am I expecting too much? I wish I could just go away for a month on an in-patient basis and really work on myself and get the help and support I need. But I need to work and support myself and help my son. The house bills and maintenance won't wait.
It does help to 'vent' on this board and I'm glad I found it. Just knowing that someone took the time to respond to me made me feel that I was somewhat important
Thank you

 
Old 06-26-2011, 09:56 AM   #8
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Re: I'm self destructive and can't stop

Quote:
Originally Posted by corissa3 View Post
You're here now so you are stuck with us... I think you'll find your way either thru the board or CAMH or both. The first step is to make the call and don't worry about others finding out. They are very discreet, in fact, they won't divulge any info without your permission. I can't address the issue of your son... I don't know why your son knowing would be an issue.. You said you have no family to help but now you do. Everyone here is here to help in some way or another.
I almost cried when you said I can be a part of this family. I already feel a little hope knowing I can talk and someone will hear me. I will look into CAMH again. Maybe I missed a program where I could fit in.

With regards to my son - I'm all he has. He already worries about my health and state of mind too much. I act like I have it under control. I don't allow him to see me cry. But he's not stupid, he sees me sit inside the house for the entire weekend, every weekend, alone. It's complicated.

I'm so glad I found this board. Thank you

 
Old 06-26-2011, 11:22 AM   #9
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Re: I'm self destructive and can't stop

Quote:
Originally Posted by rhgirl View Post
hi Phoenix
I tried AA but had a hard time buying into it. You sit and pass around a book and each person reads a passage from the book - I didn't get it.

I've also tried 2 types of med's but had the same result of feeling like I'm in the twilight zone. Also not too crazy about the side effects.

Therapy.........I've been to many. don't seem to understand how deep my hurt is.
I admit it may take me longer than most to completely open up to a stranger but shouldn't they understand and be patient? Am I expecting too much?

It does help to 'vent' on this board and I'm glad I found it. Just knowing that someone took the time to respond to me made me feel that I was somewhat important
Thank you
rhgirl,

Not every AA meeting is run the same way: there are beginners,step,closed meetings,etc.The message is the same but is organized differently.

I hear you.with respect to the meds,which were probably administered in different doses over time.

Not all meds are right for everyone.

I am wondering if there is something that has happened in your life that brought about your isolation(you don;t have to answer;food for thought).

I mention this because you may have been seeing the wrong type of therapist in the past.

They can only work off the information provided to them but should understand the reluctancy towards disclosure.

Some therapists actually get frustrated when they don't feel they are helping.

Feel and know that you are more than somewhat important here....

Bottom line,you are important and welcomed.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Old 06-26-2011, 11:30 AM   #10
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Re: I'm self destructive and can't stop

Quote:
Originally Posted by rhgirl View Post
I almost cried when you said I can be a part of this family. I already feel a little hope knowing I can talk and someone will hear me. I will look into CAMH again. Maybe I missed a program where I could fit in.

With regards to my son - I'm all he has. He already worries about my health and state of mind too much. I act like I have it under control. I don't allow him to see me cry. But he's not stupid, he sees me sit inside the house for the entire weekend, every weekend, alone. It's complicated.

I'm so glad I found this board. Thank you

I am under house arrest for a drug charge and my wife is my surety. I have to be within eyesight of my surety (wife) as per bail conditions. My wife and mother don't get along therefore I see my mother once every other month for not more than a few minutes.... and my wife prefers it that way.
Im the only one there for my mother and she is ill. She suffers from fibromyalgia, agoraphobia, chronic pain and anxiety and she has to do it alone because my wife will not even allow my mother to come to our DRIVEWAY for a visit.

I have to bite my tongue. The reason I'm telling you this is you and your son are fortunate that you have each other. I won't be able to be with my mother until January (without restrictions). For your sanity and mental health, let him know how you feel. If you can't tell him with words, write it down. Never hold back your true feelings from a loved one... a wife or husband maybe but not a child/parent relationship. You will feel better in the long run because that will be one less stressor and when you have an off day, you have someone to open up to.

My life is simple and all I ask from everyone is peace. I don't expect hugs and kisses but just some mutual respect (but that's my situation). In your situation, feel free to discuss issues anonymously with us first and get opinions (if you feel you need to) and someone will give you the starting point you need to open up.


Make today your turning point. Take control of your situation. You and only you control your outcome. Alright lady!! Good luck!!

Lastly, if you need ANY INFO about CAMH, pls don't hesitate to ask me. I will private message any info you need. I get NOTHING in return for the info... I am not an employee or affiliated in any way monetarily with CAMH. Any info I provide to you is from my past history with them and knowing the proper channels to save you time and to get you to the right person.

OMG! You will meet some of the most interesting people and they will take that loneliness away rather quickly!
I've always said, I prefer these people over most because the stories and their lives are so interesting. Not the "Hey there Stanley, the stock market sure took and loopy today, and the Jag just got polished before the rain fell...sure as sugar, me and Margie are taking the kids maple syrup tapping this weekend up in Goose Bay" type.

lol you get me?

 
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Old 06-26-2011, 10:54 PM   #11
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Re: I'm self destructive and can't stop

Quote:
Originally Posted by rhgirl View Post
thank you for hearing me. I've actually checked out CAMH website, but how can I go without my job finding out....and my son! I'm all he's got and he worries about me terribly...unforuntely he found out I checked into a hospital because I was wanted to end it all. I just can't seem to find happiness. I work so hard, I have so much responsibility, it never ends and I have NO family to help me. It's get worse everyday. I really am scared. If it wasn't for my son .......I have no reason.......
Think about this for a moment....you don't want to let your 22 yr old son down by him knowing you've checked into a rehab type place.....would you rather destroy him by all of this finally getting to you to the point that you decide that living isn't an option anymore? Your son is not a child, he is a grown man, you should be able to talk to him and he should be able to understand. If he doesn't, then he definitely will when your out and doing so much better.

kat

 
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Old 06-26-2011, 10:56 PM   #12
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Re: I'm self destructive and can't stop

Quote:
Originally Posted by rhgirl View Post
I want to add that I am new to this board and don't know where I should post......again lost.
The only other board you might post on is the Depression Board, but you fit in here perfectly fine.

 
Old 06-26-2011, 11:02 PM   #13
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Re: I'm self destructive and can't stop

Quote:
Originally Posted by rhgirl View Post
hi Phoenix
I tried AA but had a hard time buying into it. You sit and pass around a book and each person reads a passage from the book - I didn't get it. I've also tried 2 types of med's but had the same result of feeling like I'm in the twilight zone. Also not too crazy about the side effects. Therapy.........I've been to many. The doctors that prescribe med's don't care about your story, and the other ones don't seem to understand how deep my hurt is. I admit it may take me longer than most to completely open up to a stranger but shouldn't they understand and be patient? Am I expecting too much? I wish I could just go away for a month on an in-patient basis and really work on myself and get the help and support I need. But I need to work and support myself and help my son. The house bills and maintenance won't wait.
It does help to 'vent' on this board and I'm glad I found it. Just knowing that someone took the time to respond to me made me feel that I was somewhat important
Thank you
One thing you need to do when it comes to counselors is give both them and you time....remember your not dealing with a recent death here...you've got 20 yrs. of grief to get through, that takes time. And getting to know your counselor/therapist takes some time, but unfortunately it's a step that has to be done in order for you to establish the trust you need from that person.

kat

 
Old 06-26-2011, 11:07 PM   #14
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Re: I'm self destructive and can't stop

Quote:
Originally Posted by rhgirl View Post
hi Phoenix
I tried AA but had a hard time buying into it. You sit and pass around a book and each person reads a passage from the book - I didn't get it. I've also tried 2 types of med's but had the same result of feeling like I'm in the twilight zone. Also not too crazy about the side effects. Therapy.........I've been to many. The doctors that prescribe med's don't care about your story, and the other ones don't seem to understand how deep my hurt is. I admit it may take me longer than most to completely open up to a stranger but shouldn't they understand and be patient? Am I expecting too much? I wish I could just go away for a month on an in-patient basis and really work on myself and get the help and support I need. But I need to work and support myself and help my son. The house bills and maintenance won't wait.
It does help to 'vent' on this board and I'm glad I found it. Just knowing that someone took the time to respond to me made me feel that I was somewhat important
Thank you
One thing you need to do when it comes to counselors is give both them and you time....remember your not dealing with a recent death here...you've got 20 yrs. of grief to get through, that takes time. And getting to know your counselor/therapist takes some time, but unfortunately it's a step that has to be done in order for you to establish the trust you need from that person.

kat

 
Old 06-26-2011, 11:15 PM   #15
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Re: I'm self destructive and can't stop

I am under house arrest for a drug charge and my wife is my surety.

Corrissa3,

hi, I just wanted to say that i didn't know you were under house arrest, and i wanted to congratulate you for always having such a sunny disposition and being willing to help those that are in need. You truly are an inspiration.

Kat

 
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