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Old 08-23-2011, 09:06 AM   #1
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I'm not strong enough

Well after a couple hundred posts I've realized that I am not strong enough to stop using narcotics and I've just gotta be honest with myself that regardless of the situation I deserve better.

I am in a relationship where I haven't stopped loving my girl of 14 years any less than when we first met. I still look forward to seeing her and hearing from her when we are apart but my drug use from the past has taken such a toll on our relationship that I'm using again for the same reasons.

I don't doubt that she is the girl I was destined to be with. We had an incredible relationship and she has taught me so much but she won't let go of the past and now (once again) I am seeing this as an excuse to continue down the wrong path.

As soon as the arguing starts, I reach for the drugs... When she brings up the fact that she wants nothing to do with my mother, I reach for the drugs... when we fight, you guessed it.

In fact, I am out of it right now because this morning I proposed my mother swing by our place for a coffee on the deck.... WORLD WAR III amazingly was slightly diverted due to some quick thinking on my part.

NO WAY on this blue planet would my girl "allow" my mother on our property. Anyway, I know what needs to be done but it's so hard to let go of 14 years.

I am at the point now where I don't feel guilty letting people know I am high. I think deep down I want to be hated because that's the only time when I actually receive positive attention. When I am sober, my girl doesn't speak more than a sentence or two to me however, when I am high, she couldn't be nicer (or at least that's my perception of the situation). Either way, it's still better than the "silent treatment'.

I know in order for me to get better and my girl, we need time apart. A good amount of time apart to see where we are at and to see whether or not it's us or the drugs?!
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Old 08-23-2011, 11:33 AM   #2
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Re: I'm not strong enough

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Originally Posted by corissa3 View Post
.

I am at the point now where I don't feel guilty letting people know I am high. I think deep down I want to be hated because that's the only time when I actually receive positive attention. When I am sober, my girl doesn't speak more than a sentence or two to me however, when I am high, she couldn't be nicer (or at least that's my perception of the situation). Either way, it's still better than the "silent treatment'.

I know in order for me to get better and my girl, we need time apart. A good amount of time apart to see where we are at and to see whether or not it's us or the drugs?!
Cris,

I felt this for a while but wouldn't leave you alone,although it did concern me.

When you are ready to concede that you don't need these narcotics as a coping mechanism,know that i'll be here to offer my advice,support and opinions.

Hopefully the notion of the Phoenix will burn in your mind and help you to rise again,as the individual that I know you can be.

Either way,know that I respect you,for i've been on both sides of addiction's fence.

I truly hope you decide to step outside of the box that you created for yourself and realize that only those things that are worth working hard for can truly be appreciated.

Your friend in addiction,
Phoenix
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Last edited by Phoenix; 08-23-2011 at 11:34 AM. Reason: removed double-wording

 
Old 08-23-2011, 01:20 PM   #3
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Re: I'm not strong enough

Thank you Phoenix,

Honestly, I'm not in a good spot right now. I don't know how it happened to progress so quickly but nothing, NOTHING is good right now. I don't understand how turning ones life around can become a complete 360!?

My relationship is not healthy, I'm not healthy.... Im self medicating for issues normally I could deal with. It's bigger than what I can post and it's certainly not something "words of encouragement" can solve.

Even the unbreakable relationship with my mother doesn't seem healthy... she herself is reverting back to her old ways.

I feel like I need to get away for a while. I could take what little savings I have and head south for a month or two but then it would be the BS of leaving and abandoning my problems .. I cant win Phoenix.

I don't want to be "that guy" anymore. I don't want to be someone that others say "look, he did it, so can I"... I fear the methadone has run it's course and there's nothing else to look forward to. I don't have it in me to give up yet sometimes the path of least resistance.....
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Old 08-23-2011, 01:44 PM   #4
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Re: I'm not strong enough

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Originally Posted by corissa3 View Post
Thank you Phoenix,

Honestly, I'm not in a good spot right now. I don't know how it happened to progress so quickly but nothing, NOTHING is good right now. I don't understand how turning ones life around can become a complete 360!?

My relationship is not healthy, I'm not healthy.... Im self medicating for issues normally I could deal with. It's bigger than what I can post and it's certainly not something "words of encouragement" can solve.

Even the unbreakable relationship with my mother doesn't seem healthy... she herself is reverting back to her old ways.

I feel like I need to get away for a while. I could take what little savings I have and head south for a month or two but then it would be the BS of leaving and abandoning my problems .. I cant win Phoenix.

I don't want to be "that guy" anymore. I don't want to be someone that others say "look, he did it, so can I"... I fear the methadone has run it's course and there's nothing else to look forward to. I don't have it in me to give up yet sometimes the path of least resistance.....
It was beyond your field of vision to perceive....

You were on the inside and it usually takes a person on the outside looking in to point certain things out.

If you re-read your thread that was recently closed,as if you weren't the originator,you may see what i'm speaking of.

I realize that in this particular case,words of encouragement can't do it alone....

This is why I reverted to "Phoenix-isms."

You are both admired and liked on this board while you went out of your way to help others in need.

Please allow others to reciprocate in kind,in your time of need.

When nothing around you is healthy,you will end up living and breathing unhealthy,until it becomes what it has;a way of living.

You can only change you;the rest of the world is not your responsibility.

Helping others comes from a point that one has begun to put themselves first and can share from their experiences to others......

or.........

those who struggle share their concerns with fellow addicts,as they are aware what addiction is and are "fighting the good fight" so to speak.

As long as there's a Phoenix,there's a person who will not judge you and try to advise and support you with information.

You know that a change of location isn't the answer for an addict;sooner or later you'll be right where you are now.

If you have insurance,consider rehab and if financially unable,apply for public medical assistance......

There's no shame in wanting better for yourself.

Respectfully
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Last edited by Phoenix; 08-23-2011 at 05:04 PM. Reason: spelling

 
Old 08-23-2011, 04:58 PM   #5
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Re: I'm not strong enough

After checking my financial situation and having a good laugh at the "far fetched" idea of wanting to go south for such an extended period of time I can honestly say that I would be able to get as far south as Buffalo, N.Y.

I almost feel like a whoa is me attitude is coming. Overwhelmed to say the least and to make matters worse, my mom drops a bomb on me today in letting me know she has an addiction to benzos. WOW! I am not touching this one.

Phoenix, you have this gift of putting everything unsettled into perspective.
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Old 08-23-2011, 05:26 PM   #6
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Re: I'm not strong enough

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Originally Posted by corissa3 View Post
I almost feel like a whoa is me attitude is coming. Overwhelmed to say the least and to make matters worse, my mom drops a bomb on me today in letting me know she has an addiction to benzos. WOW! I am not touching this one.

Phoenix, you have this gift of putting everything unsettled into perspective.
The "whoa is me" idiom will get you nowhere, except to the "Just One's."

It begins with the idealization that just one is too much and then slowly turns to just one will do the trick....

I realize and know you must also,that you are not so far in that escape seems impossible.

The fact that you keep posting is proof positive of this.

With respect to your mother;this falls in the Murphy's Law category.

View it for what it truly is;a test.

You can't save yourself and your mother at the same time;at least not in the same way.

Provide your mother with the advice you feel is best and then know that this has to be sufficient for now.

Please don't get caught up in the vortex that is her life.

I'm not saying abandon her but you will need to set boundaries as to how far you will go;trust me on this.

You humble me by saying gift.....

I simply see it as attempting to help a friend in need.

Respectfully
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Last edited by Phoenix; 08-23-2011 at 05:28 PM.

 
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Old 08-23-2011, 05:55 PM   #7
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Re: I'm not strong enough

Well, my friend, here we are....in a place that you don't want to be, and in a place that I don't want you to be. You have been a kind, compassionate, caring soul to so many on this board, but guess what.....you don't have to be. You don't have to be "that guy" and you don't have to worry that if your not, the others will start using again.

Your pain right now trumps the needs of others, it's that simple. I cry when I think of all you've accomplished, all you've done to help others, to help your "girl", and the fact that she throws it back in your face and is only happy if you are back on her level, which is using, it makes me so angry I don't think I can even put it into words.

I know that you want there to be a solution to this, where everyone remains, but are drug free.....unfortunately my friend I don't think that's going to be possible this time. I know of your pain, I know how hard it is to be with someone for a very long time and wish upon wish and hope upon hope that they would change, get better, stop using, be strong..............but then they don't. And they make you feel like it's your fault, like you've done something wrong, somehow encouraged them to use.......But I promise you it's not and there is nothing you can do to make them quit and get with the program. I stayed with my ex-husband for 23 years, through multiple affairs, verbal and physical abuse, I lost track of the # of blackeyes.....Alcohol had a hold of him and it would not let go....and the pathetic thing was he was fine with it. He could drink himself practically comatose some days, but hey it was okay, because it was all "my" fault. He made it clear to anyone that would listen that the only reason he drank was because of me. My problems medical and mental were just too much, so he had to drink. The sad thing is, even I bought into it, I thought If I was a better person, if I didn't have such a screwed up body he wouldn't drink. I knew that I could fix him if I could fix myself.....and oh did I try...meds upon meds, surgeries every year, every kind of therapy you could imagine, CBT, DBT, ECT...if it was there and said it could make me better I tried it, because I knew that if I was better he'd stop drinking and he'd be better. When he hit me, I actually thought I deserved it, because I couldn't get everything fixed, I kept failing and I deserved whatever I got.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up one day and the only thought in my head was "WHY", why was it my fault? Other people had problems and their spouses didn't drink and sleep around and beat them up......that very small glimmer of "why" took root pretty quick and thanks to a wonderful pdoc I finally figured out that it wasn't my fault.

And then my next phase of screwing up began, because now I knew I could fix him, I just knew it....you know for the human brain to be such a miraculous scientifically advanced organ....it can be pretty stupid. No matter what my pdoc said, or my friends, or my family I didn't listen, I knew that I could make him better and everything would be great again. My ex was alot like your girl, he didn't like my family, didn't want them at our house, he didn't care for my friends (mainly because they were normal and didn't bury themselves in a bottle each day). So I gave in, I stopped having people over if he didn't like them, because I knew that I was going to fix him, I just knew it.

I was 6 months pregnant with my 2nd son and had just had my wisdom teeth cut out 2 days before, when my husband came in from work that evening, opened the door to the refrigerator and couldn't find the "miracle whip". Apparently I had forgotten to get it when I went grocery shopping the week before. It took my 6' tall 200 lb husband all of about 10 seconds to come across the room grab me by my face and pin me to the wall for 20 minutes while he ranted and raved about having no miracle whip...I was dangling 4 inches off the ground...he ripped every stitch that I had in my mouth out and I was 6 mos pregnant. I left him for all of 2 weeks and then he convinced me he'd be better, he'd stop drinking, all would be okay..............I was an idiot.

I did this for 23 years, because I basically didn't believe in Divorce and I didn't want my kids to have a broken family. But who was I kidding, although he never laid one hand on either of my children, they were living in hell.

I finally got the nerve to leave, and I did, and I didn't look back. Corrisa, my point to this is very simple, it was not my fault that my husband was an alcoholic, just like it is not your fault or your responsibility that your girl is an addict.

You have been doing so well, you've come so far and you are strong enough my friend, you are plenty strong enough. You can't let circumstances that you have no control over lead you back into the pit of drug abuse. You know you can live without it, you've done it. And we both know that nobody can save your "girl" until she's ready to be saved, she has to want to get better, and right now she doesn't.

Please take some time and really think about what you're giving up here, you don't want to go down that road again, I know you don't.

As much as it will hurt to be without her, it will be so much worse to be with her and be addicted to pills again.

Friends always,

kat

 
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Old 08-23-2011, 06:11 PM   #8
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Re: I'm not strong enough

Phoenix... The fact that I keep posting believe it or not is to see it from your perspective. If I could from my own, I wouldn't be here...There's just so much going on right now and honestly, it's easier to reach for the bottle of methadone than to reach out for help. I am not far gone... no, not by any stretch of the imagination.
Conventional wisdom dictates sobriety. SOBRIETY SOBRIETY SOBRIETY!!!!!! I'm not sure I agree anymore. What I am going to do is stop posting about this "problem" of mine. I don't like the direction it's going and I'm going to focus on doing away with the negatives .. if that makes any sense. I'm not someone who has to "cry for help." (yet here I am). Thanks for allowing me to vent. I'm taking a break.
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Old 08-23-2011, 06:34 PM   #9
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Re: I'm not strong enough

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Originally Posted by corissa3 View Post
Phoenix... The fact that I keep posting believe it or not is to see it from your perspective. If I could from my own, I wouldn't be here...There's just so much going on right now

Conventional wisdom dictates sobriety. SOBRIETY SOBRIETY SOBRIETY!!!!!! I'm not sure I agree anymore. What I am going to do is stop posting about this "problem" of mine. I don't like the direction it's going and I'm going to focus on doing away with the negatives .. if that makes any sense. I'm not someone who has to "cry for help." (yet here I am). Thanks for allowing me to vent. I'm taking a break.
Cris,

You are exactly right with posting about the problem......

The answer lies in seeking the solution and acting upon it.

All pain is relative;whether physical or psychological and if there's not a harmonious balance;one side compensating for the other,problems will persist.

If it seems that I'm getting too philosophical,it's because you said that this was your last post for now.

Better I leave you with this than simply wishing you the best.

It's not a "cry for help" when you're reaching out for help;two completely different actions.

Rest up Cris and know that tomorrow's another day.

Genuinely stated
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Last edited by Phoenix; 08-24-2011 at 02:58 AM.

 
Old 08-24-2011, 12:16 AM   #10
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Re: I'm not strong enough

Hey Corissa! I know u said you were going to take a break... I dont know if you mean from the board or the topic... but hopefully not from the board. I have been where you are on so many ways... Falling off my path, fighting through a relationship with a fellow addict with whom I believe to be my soul mate. I understand how overwhelming it all is. It's the worst. But, just remember that every day, every hour, every minute... whenever you want, you can choose to try again. I have had to do that a lot since I struggle w/ my chronic pain and my pills... sticking to my taper and sometimes falling off my path. But what you and I CAN do is decide at any moment, hey, I'm gonna try and not do my drug of choice this day, or hour.... whatever. Start taking the power back.
I recently told a good friend about my drug problem. I can't believe I let him in, but he was visiting from out of town and I just decided to open up. It felt good to get this awful secret out. And now I have this person to turn to if I need it for support.
Do you have that? Or maybe someone at a meeting or something ? It may help. Cause it really helped me to talk to someone other than my fiancé. And I know what you mean about that person seeming nicer when you are high... I have the same thing. She may be happy that she isn't the only one abusing, but what happens to me is, I'm just so happy we aren't fighting that it just feels like things are nicer...

Anyhow, make sure you check in with us... Don't totally isolate yourself during this time . I know you've been using the methadone but you dont want to go back to the H & C. I promise it won't be worth it. The high can't match the guilt ridden comedown when you are crashing and have to deal with your thoughts when you have blown your sobriety. I've been there. It makes for an awful, long, depressing time that overshadows any fun you may have had, so please keep that in mind. That head trip isn't what you want or need. You may not feel it right now, but you ARE so much better than that and worth so much more to the people around you than to risk so much.

Ok im sending good vibes to you! I just think you are smart, very funny, and despite recent developments, very strong..., so I'm totally rooting for you!!!! You have helped a lot of people on thus board with the qualities I just listed, which is why your friends here are fighting for you to stay and keep fighting!!!
All the best-
Wendy
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Old 08-24-2011, 09:24 AM   #11
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Re: I'm not strong enough

Hello Corissa

I have been following your story on the board. As someone who also abused drugs, using them as much for emotional pain and mental esacpe, I sympahize a great deal with your plight. I just wanted to say something to you about getting off the drugs, in a caring way.

I don't understand how turning ones life around can become a complete 360!?

Stopping the drugs alone is not a total solution to the problem. Along the way, we must incorporate new thinking patterns into our very being. I needed a counselor to do this. In my case, it was a clinical social worker. With help, I learned ( relearned?) ways to cope with stressors in my life. I had to practice them constantly to imbed them in my mind. It was the way I taught my brain to turn to the strategies I learned, and not to drugs, as a course of action. It was a time of selfishness, although it is selfishness in a good way. I had to fix ME before I could worry about anything else in my life. Until I was good, I was no good to anyone else. Perspecives had to change, self-evaluation had to be done constantly, mental and emotional reactions had to be changed. It took me about a year to do these things, all the while withdrawing from the drugs. I invested a year in my own well-being and it was the best investment I ever made.

As addicts, that 360 degree will continue until the changes in our thinking is made. Just "saying no" to drugs and not making these other changes will never allow us to stop at the 180 degree mark.

It is my sincere hope that you do not give up the war here. In no way does it have to be that way, my friend. We just have to have a firm understanding that battles must be fought in on more than one front to win the war.

I am wishing you the very best and maintain my hope that victory will be yours.

With care and understanding
reach

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Old 08-24-2011, 04:04 PM   #12
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Re: I'm not strong enough

Hey Corissa!
Just a lil request..... In your last post you said you were going to stop posting about your "problem". etc.... Do you think you could just post (assuming you are still around on the board) and say "hey", just to let us know you are ok? You don't have to get into anything personal. You have the right to take some time to figurenstuff out... But maybe in the next few days just check in with your pals here?

Sending good vibes your way,
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Old 08-24-2011, 04:22 PM   #13
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Re: I'm not strong enough

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Hey Corissa!
Just a lil request..... In your last post you said you were going to stop posting about your "problem". etc.... Do you think you could just post (assuming you are still around on the board) and say "hey", just to let us know you are ok? You don't have to get into anything personal. You have the right to take some time to figurenstuff out... But maybe in the next few days just check in with your pals here?

Sending good vibes your way,
Wendy

Thanks Guys/Gals/Pals

I had a very busy day but an eventful one. I first discussed what I will and will not do for my mother with my mother.... Her issues will be addressed properly at the doctors with me so we are ALL on the same page....

As far as me, I feel depressed but still better than before... I'm not going to do anything stupid or irrational. When I mentioned about direction, this is what I meant.. I am NOT an attention seeker (far from it) however sometimes it's okay to put your guard down. Im just overwhelmed with too much at once.

My weekly doc visit went well and I explained that I am relying on too heavy a dose for relief and feel it's too easy to access... So now, I asked he take away the carries until I sort things out and that will all but eliminate any temptation. I am depressed as I mentioned above cuz now I don't have that "blanket"...

Ill be just fine.
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Old 08-24-2011, 04:34 PM   #14
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Re: I'm not strong enough

good call on the carries brother. I agree that sometimes things get heavy and its too much to deal with. Me myself I usually get anxious and have to just sit around and process everything for a day or two before I can confront whoever it is I have the issue with, but I cant right away, so I get where youre coming from.

Today was great for me, I had an interview with a new job. This is huge for me considering my last year of hell. But at the end of the interview they gave me a 'reference questionaire' that I have to give to my old employer to fill out and return. Now my former employer were disapointed in me and wouldnt allow me to return to work with them, so now Im like uggggh!. Just when things were looking up, I get hit yet again with another anxiety provoking task. So I came home and did nothing about it, I just sat here dreading having to face them. BUT, I will go tommorrow with my tail between my legs and waste my day, etc, getting the @#$! form filled out and signed.

Point being, stress seems to come every other day, but being sober at least I can 'tackle' the issue, even if I have to procrastinate for a while until im ready. Bit of a rant, but Im just agreeing with you that sometimes I feel like its toooo much to deal with constantly. Take care tho man, I know you'll come out of this strong...

 
Old 08-24-2011, 05:17 PM   #15
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Re: I'm not strong enough

Second go...

I lost my milk when I read your post lol... I too had a similar situation and had to tuck my tail between my legs also... almost to the point of groveling to get what I needed. It was one of the worst days for me.."if only I didn't call him a @#$%" I remember thinking.

I know things get easier but in a nutshell...

I AM GOING TO BARE MY SOUL TO THE BOARD

I am under house arrest for a crime that I didn't do (believe it or not) and for the past year, I've lost EVERYTHING I worked so hard for.
I was first arrested for narcotics. The police set up a "sting" to get the big guy (apparently, I was the big guy) and I was sent to jail for a few weeks. After serving their search warrant and coming up empty handed, they have been after me to "roll" on my guy (only problem is, there is no "my guy").

They found unknown substances in ziploc bags that were nothing more than protein powder and dextrose but to them, it was "additive".. by that I mean the stuff you put into drugs to increase the volume and profit. They figured if I had that much "cut", I would have to have at least double that in narcotics... but again, they found nothing.

So after they came up empty handed, I get charged for a crime that if you read the victim statement, you would laugh because the description couldn't be further from my own...
In fact, Ill give you the description details and a bit of the crime.... for nothing else, it will make for a good read.
***Some of the info (except the description) will be different from the actual facts for what ever reason*** to protect the innocent and whatever.

Thursday evening 2 men were approached outside of their business by a man (supposedly me) who struck up a conversation. The robber conversed with the 2 victims for several minutes when without warning, snatched a money belt from 1 of the victims.

The suspect is described as a WHITE MALE with SHORT BROWN CURLY HAIR stands 5' 7" weighing 160-170lbs.

I am bi racial (by no means could I ever be mistaken for WHITE) My mother is white from England and father was black from Louisiana anyway, I have very little hair (I wear it low but it's black) and I am 290lbs. OH, AND I AM
6' 1"!!!!

Of all the prints left behind on the getaway vehicle, the images from the surveillance and witnesses statements, none were mine, belonged to me or resembled me....

The reason for this was to execute a search warrant of my NEW address. They were looking into envelopes and going thru items that one would stash narcotics... the search was executed 3 months after the robbery.

Sorry to get off topic (sort of) but it's frustrating when you are not guilty yet I am treated as if I did this crime and all I could do is sit and watch EVERYTHING I worked hard for disappear.

I have YOU GUYS! You are my efriends and I am grateful for having met you
but as sad and humbling as it may sound, it's all I got to keep my sanity.

So there you have it. Wow, I didn't know I had it so bad until now by typing it out... LOL..
__________________
People WANT you, NEED you, PLEASE you, TAKE you, LOVE you, HATE you, PLAY you, RATE you, SAVE you and BREAK you... but it's what MAKES YOU, YOU!

Last edited by corissa3; 08-24-2011 at 05:19 PM.

 
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