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Old 10-01-2011, 11:28 PM   #1
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Change

Hi all,
I havent been on in a while. I just moved again for a job... In a new state. And ended up breaking up with my fiancé who I've been with for over 12 years. It's been really hard. It's very challenging to trying to stay clean if you have an emotional trauma like that. We both abuse pills and bring that party side out in each other, so we really got into a hole. I know this separation is best in many ways but ugh, I've never felt so sad.

Anyhow I wanted to see how my peeps were... Phoenix, katlin09 , Corissa etc... Check in and say hi!

I'm hanging in there. Issues still with oxycodone but I went down again on my morphine. Now I'm at 15mg 2times a day. My body seems to be OK with this super slow taper. As soon as I moved I found a pain clinic so I could go lower on that med. If my pain situation can take it, I'll go down again at the end of the month and then maybe stop.
I don't have an issue with these pills, but I have abused them before here and there. I know the longer I'm on them the longer i tempt fate, so it's best that I stay on it only as long as I need to....
Anyhow I just wanted to say hi.
Wendy
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Old 10-02-2011, 04:11 AM   #2
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Re: Change

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wendy88 View Post
Hi all,
I havent been on in a while. I just moved again for a job... In a new state. And ended up breaking up with my fiancé who I've been with for over 12 years.
I'm hanging in there.
As soon as I moved I found a pain clinic so I could go lower on that med. If my pain situation can take it, I'll go down again at the end of the month and then maybe stop.
Hello Wendy

Congrats on your new job and locale.

The breakup was for the best and will allow you more freedom to make your decisions necessary for recovery.

Locating a pain clinic is definitely a step in the right direction.

My advice would be to take things slow;stop and smell the roses to take in all that has recently transpired.

Change is inevitable,as life will present scenarios of all sorts.

It's our decisions,or lack thereof that will provide the blueprint for the future...

Yours is already beginning to look brighter.

Stay focused,stay informed and by all means stay in contact.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Old 10-02-2011, 03:21 PM   #3
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Re: Change

Thanks Phoenix! Good to hear from you. Your posts are grest. Yeah our relationship couldn't progress to marriage with us both using pills like we did with each other. Makes me sad.... But I know it was the right choice.

The new job is like, the highlight of my career, so I'm thrilled with the development. And the move helps put distance between me and a lot of memories that would keep me stuck.

I look forward to posting that my long morphone taper is over. But for now, i at least feel ok on my lower dose. No withdrawls, thank goodness.

Thanks again for saying hi! How have you been?
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Old 10-03-2011, 09:37 AM   #4
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Re: Change

Wendy,

I've wondered where you've been. I'm very excited for you for the new job, that sounds wonderful. I'm also very sorry that you and your fiance broke up, I pray that life will be nice to you and easy as you adjust to this.

Let us know how things are going okay? It's easier when you keep your peeps in the loop and know that there are folks out there rooting for you and caring about you.

If you need to talk, you know how to find me!

Luv Kat

 
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Old 10-03-2011, 09:53 PM   #5
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Re: Change

Hi hon! I've missed ya!
Yes, I know I really should have checked in before. You guys are a good support system for me. I just got so overwhelmed with traveling, then packing, then moving, and the UNpacking!! And then of course dealing with my breakup and getting use to a new city and state that I've never been to.
I'm still friends with the ex, which is a good thing. But we recognize we have things we just must do on our own. And our favorite thing to do became getting highnand hanging out. We lost our physical relationship .... Pills do that.... And really they just killed what what already going sour between us.

Anyhow....I am trying to enjoy my new surrounding as Im starting to settle in. I have friends here, which is good. It would be hard if I was totally alone. So they can help me explore my new city.
How are you doing? I hope well.
I've had bad migraine struggles lately, which the oxy helps a lot with. I wonder if I really can be without them totally... But can I really do them responsibly? I really don't know but I don't think so. But nothing else helps. It's tough.
The good thing is... Even though I really liked my old pain doctor, I didn't feel like I could tell him if I had an issue. This new doctor, I feel like when it comes time for me to taper on the oxys, if its too hard I feel like I can tell him if I need suboxone or something. So I'm going to keep that in mind. My job is fantastic but too crazy with stress and super long hours that I can't take off time to kick, so I'd need some help. Anyhow just thinking about the future.
As always thanks for listening (or more like reading!!!)
Wendy
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Old 10-04-2011, 07:46 PM   #6
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Re: Change

Well that is great that you like the new doc, thats a major thing in itself. Sorry about the migraines, they suck I know, mine have been acting up some with the weather change, but not full on yet.

It's been an okay week lots going on. My father in law passed on Sunday, finally gave in to his battle with Lung Cancer, so dealing with that, and trying to guide my boys though their first experience with death.

I keep getting huge blood clots in my left leg under the donor bone in my knee, so we're not sure what that's about, but it's getting old quick....the pain meds don't handle that kind of pain. So it's been hectic, busy, stressful sad, and happy at times.....really wierd.

I'm glad your back, I've missed you!

kat

 
Old 10-04-2011, 11:08 PM   #7
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Re: Change

Ah I deleted my last reply! I missed you too! And it's good to be back. This is a nice place of support.
I am so sorry about your father in law. I'm sure you are helping out the kids a lot. It's such a confusing time when some one passes, so having your support Im sure means a great deal!
And your leg-ouch! Have you gotten a second opinion? What are their thoughts for next steps? and how do you control the pain? Do you find it hard to have access to pain meds like that? I hope they get to the bottom of it. That type of issue is just exhausting. But you sound like you are handling things well. I'm sending good vibes your way!
Talk soon!
Wendy
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Old 10-05-2011, 07:45 PM   #8
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Re: Change

Yeah the leg thing is a major pain. Next step is going back to the ortho surgeon so he can see what is causing the blood clots, then the next step will be double replacement surgery, which I'm putting off for at least 5 yrs. if possible.

I don't have a problem with the meds thank God! I've been on everything from vicoden, to percaset to Morphine, Oxycontin, Fentanyl, i've done it all. The only med I ever got addicted too was Ultam...that monster.

Right now I currently take 120 mgs Morphine a day, with up to 60 mg of oxycodone as needed for BT. It works, and I can function fine, I'm used to it. Yes, I'm sure I'm dependant on it, some of it I can just walk away from with no problem, morphine is one of those. I use a lot of PT and ice and heat therapy as well. So for now we're okay.

I'm glad your doing okay, I'm doing okay....we're doing okay!

Luv kat

 
Old 10-06-2011, 10:30 PM   #9
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Re: Change

Ha, that last part made me giggle, I'm glad u are doing ok. Your general vibe sounds good.... I'm glad! U deserve nothing less.
I'm the same w morphine. I'm dependent on it but I could walk away from it. Im sure my body would freak out, which is why I haven't done that and am doing my slow taper.but I couldn't walk away from the oxy.
Anyhow keep me posted with your leg! I hope it gets better really soon!
Wendy
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Old 10-07-2011, 09:28 PM   #10
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Re: Change

Hey I am little newer in here and I rarely come to this board.. I have helped many people throughout the years with their addictions. I want you to know as someone you have never spoken to before, you have made one of the hardest descions and best for yourself.

So many people have habits and these habits are shared with their mates. Most people who want to stop just can't seem to leave their mates. You have a strength that so many don't. So while you're here talking to everyone please take a moment to pat yourself on the back. You've already proven your strength and commitment to youself. Seems like you have a lot of friends here that want the best for you too. I don't think you'll make it, I believe you will. You will have a great story to tell and will have the ability to help so many others. Keep up the good work, and being lonely, well it's not so bad, it's just unfamiliar. Being alone will give you the time to find you and create the you that you want to become.

As long as you have friends here your really not alone
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Old 10-08-2011, 02:14 AM   #11
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Re: Change

Hi iluv! Wow that was such an awesome post to read. Thanks so much! I just worked such a long long day and to come home and read that was super nice.
Yes, I have some very nice friends here. I feel really lucky!
I still have my struggles, but not having a partner in crime anymore does make things easier....
And ya know, I actually like living alone. It's nice. But of course, some days I just crash emotionally since I'm so use to having my best friend there to share my day with. But, this is the best choice so, it is what it is.... It will get easier. The desire though to numb those emotions is really strong... I just try my best to fight that urge. Sometimes I win, sometimes I don't. But I know I'm on a better path. I've had a ton on my plate the past two months or so, and the fact that I'm doing as well as I have gives me hope, cause I know myself and I sure could have made a super big mess of myself! I just have to remember - change takes time.
Thanks again for your support !
Wendy
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Old 10-08-2011, 02:34 AM   #12
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Re: Change

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wendy88 View Post
change takes time.
Yes it does Wendy.

Time also takes change and transforms it into an art form.

We live,love,laugh and hopefully learn a little along the way.

We are all survivors;survivors of change.

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Old 10-08-2011, 10:34 PM   #13
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Re: Change

Wendy your are more than welcome. I am glad that it made you feel better. This is a hard time for you and a struggle, just know that the light at the end of the tunnel is going to be very bright. It's also time to think about the kinds of things you have missed out on. You know for me all I have ever done in life is work my tail off (60-100hr weeks), and raise my sons. Well, now I'm likely not going to be able to ever go back to work. Oh I'm 41 and all my sons are grown. Anyway, now I'm just as lost as you are, just for a different reason. I don't have a boyfriend (I'm little to independent I usually run them off LOL). Really without being able to work and the boys grown, I sure need to find something to do with my time. But what???? I'm sure that very same thing is going through your head too. You used to occupy your time differently the same as myself. So now for you it's extremely imortant to find something that you might enjoy to do with your time to occupy yourself. the first thing you try may not be what you really want. At first glance it looked cool, then you tried and it just didn't float your boat. So try something else, and keep trying new activities until you find what you like. Soon you will find several and with that a diverse group of people that will enjoy you and your company without having to be high. Keep up the good work and keep in touch.
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