I hope everyone is well. I am not doing so well. I am still on the oxycodone and having major mental issues with it. I am so consumed with anxiety and depression over it I do not know how I will get out. I have my 60 suboxone ready to go when I run out of pills Wednesay, and will be ready to try again. The suboxone does help and I don't know why I go back to the oxy. I hate the feeling of the oxy. It has been eons since it has been enjoyable. Every pill brings me horrid anxiety.
The main issue I am having right now is the mental aspect of it all. I am convinced that I have ruined my brain and I will never be normal again. That can be quite overwhelming since I dwell on it all day long. My anxiety, especially at night is out of control. I will wake up in the middle of night with such depersonalization and anxiety. It is extremely frightening. It makes me scared to even go to bed.
My desire to stop is so strong, but I am in such a rut that I do not know what to even do. I would love to go to inpatient for a period of time but I do not have the finances. I am hoping that this round of suboxone will be my last. I am much more clearheaded on it and I do not take that much. Maybe 4-6 mgs a day. It is my thinking that is getting in the way of my success. That is what I need to change.
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bradswifey (11-14-2011),Phoenix (10-03-2011)
hi Musicman.. good to hear from you. I hear what your going through. One thing Ill say is I know the feeling of 'will this ever get better...will my mind get back to how it was before'. And the answer for me is YES it did, and yes it was alot to endure, but like you, I started to resent taking the pills.. they lost that fun feeling.
Suboxone could be a good thing to start getting out of the 'pill seeking mentality'. As Ive heard, they help level out the pain, yet you dont get 'high' so-to-speak (some might disagree with this). But yeah, it might help you get the Oxys off your mind long enough that you may break the cycle/habit.
I remember you having the anxiety even before summer; is this something you had before taking oxys, or is it a result of it do you think? I had heavy anxiety when coming off pills, but not as bad as when i was still using. Anxiety over having to take them constantly.
Whatever you decide to do, when you do, know that Im rootin for ya.
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HI Second Go.. I have always had mild anxiety. However, this anxiety is directly related to the pill situation. The oxycodone enjoyment has long been gone. I get no buzz whatsoever. I just get anxiety. I have done 3 stints at 5 day detox at my local hospital and I loved being there. I feel quite safe and my anxiety and depression lifts significantly. I do really well on the suboxone. I get no high whatsoever from it. It does seem to alleviate my anxiety and it definitely makes me clear headed. I do not even have to wait until I am in withdrawals. I will take my last oxy at night and I can immediately start the suboxone the next morning.
It is my envioronment that is contributing to this endless rut. I am lucky. I live in a nice house with my father. I am very lucky, but sitting in my room most of the day makes my mind go haywire. I need to get out and do things. I travel for work and when I am in a hotel at night I am fine, when I am home at night, I suffer excruciating anxiety.
I just hope that all the years I have abused the oxy will not render me permanently damamged in my thoughts. I know it will take time, but I would like to have ONE day free of anxiety and stress over the pill situation. There has not been ONE day in 4 years where I have not had anxiety. It gets overwhelming.
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tinkerbell45 (10-05-2011),tmwccs (12-17-2011)
I don't think you have to worry about permanent damage. Once you get out of the "oxy zone" and back on the suboxone, try to get yourself up and out more. Since you know you do well on the Sub, try to take advantage of being able to get out and about more, even if it's just a walk outside each day. The mental side of the addiction can be just as hard to "work" away as the physical side. Each night try to fall asleep telling yourself that you will get better, things will feel better and your mind will be strong again, just keep saying it over and over to yourself in your head as you fall asleep. You'd be surprised how the power of positive thinking can be very effective in this fight.
I wish you well and have faith that you can win this battle.
Well I finished my oxycodone on friday night and spent the whole night in anxiety mode even though I knew I had suboxone waiting. I woke up Saturday morning extremely agitated. Well I took the suboxone and as the day went on things got better. It is now a few days later and I am at 4-6mgs of Suboxone. It is just amzing how much better I feel! No cravings and more importantly, NO anxiety. I have slept well the past three nights and have had no middle of the night panic when I wake up. When I wake up in the morning I feel so clearheaded.
It is amazing how well this works for me. I get NO high whatsoever. I just feel normal and more importantly calm and clearheaded. I will taper down slowly.
Hi Everyone, I am full of fear and anxiety as I just took my last oxy. I was taking 300mg a day for one week. Tomorrow I will restart the suboxone. Musicman I appreciate knowing you are doing well. My first go the doc started me out at 32mg. Tomorrow I should wake up in full detox and plan to start at a low dose, like you. I've read Robert 325's plan and I wish I could start out .5mg increments. His plan is a good read and I will try because I spent months on a higher dose and it's way to expensive. it was great being out of pain for a week, but I want off everything to see who I am and what I need. I did not get high at all, but my pain level went down to a 2-3, which was a wonderful miracle.
Please keep in touch and let me know how everyone is doing. I need all the help and support I can get. I'd really appreciate it.
Hi kat, back again,
Love and Peace
Zoie.... 32mg is WAY too much. I am very knowledgable about suboxone and after a certain amount milligram wise, it plateaus... It seems like that less is more with the suboxone. I have never taken more than 2mgs at once and it has always relieved my symptoms. Yes, my oxycodone is about a third of yours, but I do not believe you should be on a dose so high. Please try low. Remember, you are using it to help cravings and ease withdrawal, not to get a buzz. Take enough to ease your cravings.
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Musicman3. Thank for the info. I"ve never gotton high on the subs. I've been taking 2mg at a time to ease the WD, waited until the signs start as they are doing now, )&*(%&&^. I f hate this. I took a total of 8mg yesterday and today. I started out with 1mg, did nothingI feel and look like the walking dead.
I hate myself now for getting MYSELF into theis f-mess. I'm on multiple psych and anti-aniety meds and able to knock myself out for the night, untill 3:30 this am. Been on these meds for over 9 years, that's the only reason I'm here.
I don't mean to be so negative, I have many blessings in my life and I NEED to remember them as I am detoxing. Would love about a million 30's right now, but that would never be enough, will alway want MORE.
I am so grateful for this board. I don't have anyone I can talk to like I am now.
Need to get the insanity out.
Thanks for being there
I am sorry to hear you are having a bad time. Just try and let the suboxone work. Your other medicines could be interfering with it. You also have to change your routine and mental attitude. This has always been my downfall as it is much easier said than done. With me, lying around in my Pjs with my laptop all day on oxy was what I did. Lying around all day in my pjs on subs is not going to cut it. I was actually glad I was working when I started the suboxone last Saturday. I travel for a living and i was not home for 4 days. This gave me a change of environment. I have been taking 6 mgs of suboxone and I feel alot better. I feel much better anxiety wise. I am calmer and hopeful. I had to go see my GP yesterday since I wasnt feeling well. At the end of the visit, he asked me if I needed a refill on my oxycodone ( obvioiusly he doesn;t know... and yes, I know that is wrong) I didn't even hesitate to say no. The thought of the anxiety and the depression the oxy has been giving me lately was completely enough to say "no thanks"
Hi musicman3 wanted to give you a shout to let you know how VERY proud of you i am. You seem to be a strong-willed person and when you set you mind to something you get it done. EXCELLENT job on telling the dr you did not need or want a refill on the oxycodone.I will keep you in my thoughts and you keep on posting so that other people can see it CAN be done if you want it badly enough.Until next time TAKE CARE!!!
Musicman3, wow, good for you. You rock and I really admirer that you were able to say NO, gives me hope that I will feel that way one day.
Today is much better, sorry about the rant yesterday, needed to get stuff out on my twisted little brain, while detoxing.
My sub doc told me to keep taking my antidepressants. I take them all at night, and have something mild during the day if I feel like a panic attack is coming. it's been along time since I've had one.
Thanks for the hope!!
Hey there Tinkerbell45 here wanted to give you a shout out to say i am proud of you and i am glad you are having a really good day EVERYBODY deserves at least one or two a week yep thats me being greedy wanting all good days but i WILL settle for what i get! Until next time TAKE CARE and keep up the good work!!!!
Thanks for the support. Another good day. Love all the good days I can get like you and everyone. Day 4 on the subs and feel so much better, not suicidal anymore. Hate those days. Hopefully if I continue on the same path I'll have more good days than bad. I still rather be on pain medication and praying those thoughts will go away. NOT acting on them, plus don't have anything, THANK GOD. All my friends are sober but I can't talk to them about this. I appreciate this board so much. To thyne ownself be true, and here I can. Grateful.
Love and Peace