hi, opiate addict here. havent posted in awhile but im not new to the boards. ive kicked and picked back up at least half a dozen times give or take. longest off was 2 weeks. got hooked up with a doctor feel good awhile ago. started off with vic's which seems to be the pattern with alot of ppl, then graduated to perc's and finally oxycontin/codone. and as you all know the dose just kept a climbin. i refuse to give up on finally trying to bury this hellish addiction before it burys me. ive done alot of research on addiction, mostly opiates of course, im definately not a dr. drew although id love for him to give me a call. starting to understand how it can really take a hold on somebody.
i write this tonite on day 6 clean of zero opiates, cold turkey of course. tapering was always a joke for me. i tried it but it was like M&M's. although tapering does work for alot of ppl and if you can do it, it only makes sense that it would be a little easier to give your brain a little idea of whats goin on. although the worse of the pain i know all to well has eased up, im still freezing all the time, still got the craps but the insomnia really sucks. i did sleep a little better last nite than the nite before, hope for the same tonite as i sign off. if i can get a grand total of 3.5 hours ill be thrilled. starting to feel somewhat "normal" its been so long i forgot who i was. cant wait to meet that awesome person again, and actually live again instead of exist.
went to bed right away surprisingly at 8 but woke up at 2. that solid 5 hours was great, i even had dreams. shouldve tried to go back to the sack but decided to stay up, listen to music, and watch tv. some type of switches are being flipped on after being shut off and numb for so long. major emotions today just flooding thru me right now. good, bad, but mostly good, the whole spectrum. when some depression creeps in i just tell myself its all part of the healing and will get better. colors are so much brighter, find myself thinking about things in the past before all this mess. still cold all the time and light sweat. heading into week 2. i have along way to go, but to say i want to put this behind me is a huge understatement.
Last edited by icehouse3z; 12-14-2011 at 07:22 AM.
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to icehouse3z For This Useful Post: elgann (12-19-2011), steeler52 (03-09-2012)
Sure is good to see you here continuing the effort. Glad you are not giving up on you, as I never have. It is a powerful pull, that opiate call, isn't it?
Ice, you need aftercare help, Buddy. Aftercare support. No man is an island in this battle... I think that is what you have been doing for a long time... being an island. Solo man. Fighting this alone.
You are at the perfect point to reach out here. Find some live support. People you can talk to about the pull of Enemy Opiate. Funny thing about aftercare is that as we reach out for help, we find ourselves stronger and more commited to sobriety for the effort. For me, there came like an honor about keeping my commitment. I moved outside myself and wanted others to think well of me. Once I wanted that, I began to think well of myself again. Began to honor myself again, which sure wasn't a part of me for so long.
Ice, we get to know each other as the years move on here at the board. you have a good heart, a big one. However, it seems your heart is always for others, never for you. That needs to change, Ice. Until you begin to learn how to respect yourself more highly again, the opiate voice will always be stronger than your sober voice. We have to learn and accept love and worth for our own selves. That is where support comes in. We reach out for help and discover that others feel we are worth helping. When we can accept that others feel we are worthy, we can start to understand our own worth.
There is much that is worthy in you, Ice. Much. I am going to stand beside you and want you to let me support you as you work on you. I am so very glad to see you. I care about you a lot.
With all hope
The following user gives a hug of support to reachout: icehouse3z (12-15-2011)
good evening reach, yep im still tryin! but im more prepared this time than ive ever been. ive started putting in place firewalls to prevent my chronic relapsing. i told my pm doc of all these years today i quit, something that would seemed unthinkable even a month ago. also researching local n/a meetings in my area, and im looking forward to it, i may even make a few friends since ive pretty much cut off all my old ones. your spot on with the island. i know im a strong person deep down and have always thought i could conquer this on my own. well i fully realize that this is IMPOSSIBLE to do it alone. it just will not happen. the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. well...im going to be doing something different this time around. got a few hours of sleep but 2 am seems to be my new wakeup time for now lol
day 9 things are getting revved up and i can definately tell my body and mind healing. got some sleep last nite thank god, that was HUGE. i was really suffering with work yesterday with the sleep deprivation. TGIF, today will be better. i feel like having a big steak and mashed potatoes. having desires of things i USED to do which is nice, just over all feelin pretty good all things considered.
day 10 baby, still just getting enough sleep to get by. gona try to stay up later to get back to a normal pattern. im getting 5 hours non stop past 3 nite but im sacking out at 7 or 8pm then end up waking up around 1 or 2. but i just jump online and flip on the tube. also maaaaaaaaaaaaajor hunger pains in the middle of the nite, luckly i had some ensure left, waited til when most people wake up and called my dad and said lets go to breakfast. i had 6 eggs over easy, 5 pieces of toast home fries 3 types of fruit plus part of my dads omlette and it still wasnt enough. im still hungry as i type this. its my body sayin give me fuel so i can heal you! checking for local n/a meetings in my spot now. finally starting to feel a little MOTIVATION to do healthy things in life again. my mind has been very active. im learning to love myself again and im doing this for me. ive done alot for others but like reach said,not much for myself. its my turn
have a good one,
The Following User Says Thank You to icehouse3z For This Useful Post: steeler52 (03-09-2012)
waking up another day sober, what a great thing that is! just taking a moment to look outside at the bluebird sky. normally right about now the pills would be taking effect and numbing my day, feelings, and life.
slept for a few hours but had my new 1am wake up call. jumped online, my mind is still very active and i just have been thinking about past memories ALOT. last nite i thought id do some research on the cancer that took my leg when i was 3 months old. well, the type of osteosarcoma i had was the rarest of the rare. so much so they didnt know what it was. they had to send 3 biopsys to different parts of the country. one went to texas, another to cali and i think the last somewhere on the east coast from what my dad told me. it all came back confirming the aggressive cancer. being that young when diagnosed probably meant i had cancer before i had even been born. so my parents had a tuff choice to make.
just surviving the surgery at that age seems crazy to me.
fast forward 30 years. here iam, alive and healthy. it really hit me hard that god has me stickin around for some reason, its about time i start makin the most of it. oh ya i ended up sackin out and woke up at my usual time, around 7.
quick question as i near breaking my record of 12 days off opiates. cravings have been in check, but im on guard and have started support around me. i finally realize it cant be dont alone. so, im pretty sure ill be hit with the PAW's to some degree since ive been on pretty high doses for awhile. i know everyone is different and alot of variables involved, but for the most part when does the energy, anxiety and sleep return? i may be in paws now, like i said im just about as long as ive ever been off opiates in 7 years.
12 days is great man. Feels so good to come out of the slumber doesnt it? and yes the emotions come full steam.
energy, sleep, and anxiety (im guessing you meant anxiety easing up). It all depends on a lot of factors like dose you were on, length of time on pills, individual biology, and external factors like are friends/family/work/hobbies being somewhat stable.
But id say, you are en route to getting your energy and sleep back anytime now, sounds like youre eating well again, do you supplement w vitamins?
The anxiety should subside soon, and it will help to go to some meetings like you planned. What helped me as well was confronting all of the things that created my anxiety (it was mostly talking with ppl that cared about me, and airing out what was on our minds). felt so relieved afterwards, realizing alot of what I thought they thought about me was me over analyzing.
It took me a long time to start excercising again, but after about a few weeks, I started going for runs at a school track nearby. that helped me expel pent up energy.
Are you exploring your old healthy hobbies or finding new ones? I liked going to places that I used to frequent before I started using. bookstores, coffee spots, music stores, pool, beach, etc. all things that I forgot about.
thanks man, im excited about breaking my record. oh ya, I before E except after C. with the vitamins, no i dont take any but i'll be buying some today. i know the abuse depletes minerals, mostly magnesium which plays a big role in our CNS and probably part of the reason the anxiety is there. it has seemed to get a little bit better, even over the course of the past 12 hours.
i started some exercise, pushups, gota start somewhere lol. it felt good to feel that kind of pain again, the healthy kind. theres so much i wana get out and do, i miss bike riding, playing any sport in general, so yes i'll be getting back into old hobbies. i also want to reconnect with alot of good friends ive neglected over the years.
I am on day 9 now and I feel almost back to my old self, I posted my story in another thread and asked a question. I remember day 6, I was just so tired I felt I couldn't force myself to get up and do anything, however was not able to sleep either. I can't beleive that just 3 days made the difference but it does, please hang in there. This board saved my life, reading all the stories about what others went through helped me a lot. It helped me to know what to expect as this was my first time really coming off of them after a long periods of use. Before I had used them temporarily and didn't really use them long enough to have the severe w/d that come with longterm use.
The Following User Says Thank You to scarlett1971 For This Useful Post: steeler52 (03-09-2012)
good deal, make it your first and last. yes, what a difference a few days can make, heck, what a difference 12 hours can make. slept and got my usual 4 hours but ill take it, hopin this magnesium will do the trick. been up since 1 am, i know ive been sleep deprived this whole process, there was one day at work where it was really screwin with me. luckly i just took a little nap during lunch and it got me thru the day. my energy is almost at 100%.
well this is the longest ive ever been off opiates, 13 days, hard to believe tomorrow will be 2 weeks. ugh, this only 5 hours of sleep a nite sux. hoping it passes soon! gona really try to push it and see if i can stay up later to see if that helps.
i dont know whats up with my brain, pushed myself to stay up 2 hours later only to wake up almost exactly at 1. it makes no sense and its like clock work. its really takin a toll, gona try to go back to bed in a bit but after floppin like a fish outta water for an hour it gets ridiculious. any advice from anybody or similiar experiences? ahh this is irritating but going back to opiates isnt an option.
its a miracle, i was able to crash shortly after floppin around for an hour. in fact my alarm had to wake me for work at 7. very groggy, and needed more but ill gladly accept this. drinking a pitcher of black tea straight as i always do (thats my coffee) . didnt realize how important sleep was. did some reasearch on the stages the other nite and they each have a purpose. i was hitting all 5 of em, but just not getting enough time in each as they repeat over and get longer in duration after every rep. i knew 100% i was deprived last nite cuz my body was pretty sore because later in the day at work yesterday, and when i woke up to type the previous post i was more sore, almost like the aches you get in the start of w/d but not quite as bad. almost had to take an advil but didnt. woke up soreness all gone, mood up, and as the tea kicks in becoming more alert. thank you dear lord. off to work . have a good one ya'll
updating quite a bit cuz some maybe curious and it could even save someones life. even if its just one person then my story will have been a success. lunch break, feelin GREAT. its offical, 2 weeks, longest ever, no cravings cuz i know ill feel like crap, so guilty and wont get a high, even if i did it would be over in a new york minute. gona catch my first n.a meeting friday. sleep helped big time, energy, alertness, mood wayyyy up from just yesterday.
how long you sleep last night? and yeah it helps to show day by day how it can be done. if its someones first time going through it too, it is usually the unknown stuff that makes the days more difficult.
2 weeks is awesome. when we start to go through it, it seems almost impossible, but just think how many times youve had the flu for a week.
i remember when I was trying to get the 'habit' part out of my mind, I made a new game of 'acquiring clean days'. got a sense of accomplishment as every day went by.
can you guess what time it is? lol, anyway i ended up gettin a total of 7 hours. anything over 5 and i should be good, forgot to brew my tea for the morning so this lil wake up call is a blessing in disguise. gettin ready to sack out now. oh ya same here, im for sure getting more prouder and confident each passing day of clean time. new sense of freedom for not having to rely on a med. especially since i officially off as long as ive ever been. im already way more social with friends co workers and family. i hope they dont think that im now ON drugs, how ironic that would be. i can see the changes in my self. im the one now engaging in conversations instead of avoiding them. still exercising from home then taking some walks, baby steps as far as that goes but as long as ur headin in the right direction.
tried to sack out but couldnt tonite. thats ok though, its part of the process. in fact i had to get up extra early this morning anyway i have to take an online class for work, should be intresting how that goes
i have a theory on this sleep thing, and this could just be my personal experience. i go to bed, ive noticed the time doesnt really matter, could be as early as 7am to 10pm but i fall asleep real quick, most likely from the deprivation, ur body/mind has no choice but to give in. it may only be for a few hours, but its just enough to keep me goin. for some reason i keep waking up while im dreaming around 1, which would be around my 1st or
2nd R.E.M cycle. maybe the dreams are too intense/too over active even in deep sleep and causes me to wake up as the brain fog lifts, my mind is very active, even now when i should be dead tired. flopped like a fish for 3 hours,and when i realized i had to get up in another, i figured might as well! cant help but think of alot of things, almost all postive, things i want to do again, mostly things that i USED to do,i have a burning desire to do them again. family and some friends that i have abandoned. i could go on and on, just ALOT. but its a good thing. its like my brain is wakin up after 7 years and goin oh ok, back to reality, good deal! and this too will settle as the time passes.
almost the weekend, and christmas, i couldnt give myself a better gift than what im doing now. for the first time in along time, i can truely say iam PROUD of myself.
Your updates are so uplifting! Your continuing progress is a Christmas Blessing touching you, your family and all around you. I so admire yor commitment and determination. Applauding especially your plan to get to a meeting Friday night. Take all the positives from it and incorporate them into your thinking.
I continue to walk beside you with hope and prayer. Looks like I may have to get some running shoes soon to keep up with you. :-)
God bless you in all your efforts
The following user gives a hug of support to reachout: icehouse3z (12-22-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to reachout For This Useful Post: icehouse3z (12-22-2011)