hi, opiate addict here. havent posted in awhile but im not new to the boards. ive kicked and picked back up at least half a dozen times give or take. longest off was 2 weeks. got hooked up with a doctor feel good awhile ago. started off with vic's which seems to be the pattern with alot of ppl, then graduated to perc's and finally oxycontin/codone. and as you all know the dose just kept a climbin. i refuse to give up on finally trying to bury this hellish addiction before it burys me. ive done alot of research on addiction, mostly opiates of course, im definately not a dr. drew although id love for him to give me a call. starting to understand how it can really take a hold on somebody.
i write this tonite on day 6 clean of zero opiates, cold turkey of course. tapering was always a joke for me. i tried it but it was like M&M's. although tapering does work for alot of ppl and if you can do it, it only makes sense that it would be a little easier to give your brain a little idea of whats goin on. although the worse of the pain i know all to well has eased up, im still freezing all the time, still got the craps but the insomnia really sucks. i did sleep a little better last nite than the nite before, hope for the same tonite as i sign off. if i can get a grand total of 3.5 hours ill be thrilled. starting to feel somewhat "normal" its been so long i forgot who i was. cant wait to meet that awesome person again, and actually live again instead of exist.
went to bed right away surprisingly at 8 but woke up at 2. that solid 5 hours was great, i even had dreams. shouldve tried to go back to the sack but decided to stay up, listen to music, and watch tv. some type of switches are being flipped on after being shut off and numb for so long. major emotions today just flooding thru me right now. good, bad, but mostly good, the whole spectrum. when some depression creeps in i just tell myself its all part of the healing and will get better. colors are so much brighter, find myself thinking about things in the past before all this mess. still cold all the time and light sweat. heading into week 2. i have along way to go, but to say i want to put this behind me is a huge understatement.
Last edited by icehouse3z; 12-14-2011 at 08:22 AM.
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to icehouse3z For This Useful Post: elgann (12-19-2011), steeler52 (03-09-2012)
Sure is good to see you here continuing the effort. Glad you are not giving up on you, as I never have. It is a powerful pull, that opiate call, isn't it?
Ice, you need aftercare help, Buddy. Aftercare support. No man is an island in this battle... I think that is what you have been doing for a long time... being an island. Solo man. Fighting this alone.
You are at the perfect point to reach out here. Find some live support. People you can talk to about the pull of Enemy Opiate. Funny thing about aftercare is that as we reach out for help, we find ourselves stronger and more commited to sobriety for the effort. For me, there came like an honor about keeping my commitment. I moved outside myself and wanted others to think well of me. Once I wanted that, I began to think well of myself again. Began to honor myself again, which sure wasn't a part of me for so long.
Ice, we get to know each other as the years move on here at the board. you have a good heart, a big one. However, it seems your heart is always for others, never for you. That needs to change, Ice. Until you begin to learn how to respect yourself more highly again, the opiate voice will always be stronger than your sober voice. We have to learn and accept love and worth for our own selves. That is where support comes in. We reach out for help and discover that others feel we are worth helping. When we can accept that others feel we are worthy, we can start to understand our own worth.
There is much that is worthy in you, Ice. Much. I am going to stand beside you and want you to let me support you as you work on you. I am so very glad to see you. I care about you a lot.
With all hope
The following user gives a hug of support to reachout: icehouse3z (12-15-2011)
good evening reach, yep im still tryin! but im more prepared this time than ive ever been. ive started putting in place firewalls to prevent my chronic relapsing. i told my pm doc of all these years today i quit, something that would seemed unthinkable even a month ago. also researching local n/a meetings in my area, and im looking forward to it, i may even make a few friends since ive pretty much cut off all my old ones. your spot on with the island. i know im a strong person deep down and have always thought i could conquer this on my own. well i fully realize that this is IMPOSSIBLE to do it alone. it just will not happen. the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. well...im going to be doing something different this time around. got a few hours of sleep but 2 am seems to be my new wakeup time for now lol
day 9 things are getting revved up and i can definately tell my body and mind healing. got some sleep last nite thank god, that was HUGE. i was really suffering with work yesterday with the sleep deprivation. TGIF, today will be better. i feel like having a big steak and mashed potatoes. having desires of things i USED to do which is nice, just over all feelin pretty good all things considered.
day 10 baby, still just getting enough sleep to get by. gona try to stay up later to get back to a normal pattern. im getting 5 hours non stop past 3 nite but im sacking out at 7 or 8pm then end up waking up around 1 or 2. but i just jump online and flip on the tube. also maaaaaaaaaaaaajor hunger pains in the middle of the nite, luckly i had some ensure left, waited til when most people wake up and called my dad and said lets go to breakfast. i had 6 eggs over easy, 5 pieces of toast home fries 3 types of fruit plus part of my dads omlette and it still wasnt enough. im still hungry as i type this. its my body sayin give me fuel so i can heal you! checking for local n/a meetings in my spot now. finally starting to feel a little MOTIVATION to do healthy things in life again. my mind has been very active. im learning to love myself again and im doing this for me. ive done alot for others but like reach said,not much for myself. its my turn
have a good one,
The Following User Says Thank You to icehouse3z For This Useful Post: steeler52 (03-09-2012)
waking up another day sober, what a great thing that is! just taking a moment to look outside at the bluebird sky. normally right about now the pills would be taking effect and numbing my day, feelings, and life.
slept for a few hours but had my new 1am wake up call. jumped online, my mind is still very active and i just have been thinking about past memories ALOT. last nite i thought id do some research on the cancer that took my leg when i was 3 months old. well, the type of osteosarcoma i had was the rarest of the rare. so much so they didnt know what it was. they had to send 3 biopsys to different parts of the country. one went to texas, another to cali and i think the last somewhere on the east coast from what my dad told me. it all came back confirming the aggressive cancer. being that young when diagnosed probably meant i had cancer before i had even been born. so my parents had a tuff choice to make.
just surviving the surgery at that age seems crazy to me.
fast forward 30 years. here iam, alive and healthy. it really hit me hard that god has me stickin around for some reason, its about time i start makin the most of it. oh ya i ended up sackin out and woke up at my usual time, around 7.
quick question as i near breaking my record of 12 days off opiates. cravings have been in check, but im on guard and have started support around me. i finally realize it cant be dont alone. so, im pretty sure ill be hit with the PAW's to some degree since ive been on pretty high doses for awhile. i know everyone is different and alot of variables involved, but for the most part when does the energy, anxiety and sleep return? i may be in paws now, like i said im just about as long as ive ever been off opiates in 7 years.
12 days is great man. Feels so good to come out of the slumber doesnt it? and yes the emotions come full steam.
energy, sleep, and anxiety (im guessing you meant anxiety easing up). It all depends on a lot of factors like dose you were on, length of time on pills, individual biology, and external factors like are friends/family/work/hobbies being somewhat stable.
But id say, you are en route to getting your energy and sleep back anytime now, sounds like youre eating well again, do you supplement w vitamins?
The anxiety should subside soon, and it will help to go to some meetings like you planned. What helped me as well was confronting all of the things that created my anxiety (it was mostly talking with ppl that cared about me, and airing out what was on our minds). felt so relieved afterwards, realizing alot of what I thought they thought about me was me over analyzing.
It took me a long time to start excercising again, but after about a few weeks, I started going for runs at a school track nearby. that helped me expel pent up energy.
Are you exploring your old healthy hobbies or finding new ones? I liked going to places that I used to frequent before I started using. bookstores, coffee spots, music stores, pool, beach, etc. all things that I forgot about.
thanks man, im excited about breaking my record. oh ya, I before E except after C. with the vitamins, no i dont take any but i'll be buying some today. i know the abuse depletes minerals, mostly magnesium which plays a big role in our CNS and probably part of the reason the anxiety is there. it has seemed to get a little bit better, even over the course of the past 12 hours.
i started some exercise, pushups, gota start somewhere lol. it felt good to feel that kind of pain again, the healthy kind. theres so much i wana get out and do, i miss bike riding, playing any sport in general, so yes i'll be getting back into old hobbies. i also want to reconnect with alot of good friends ive neglected over the years.
I am on day 9 now and I feel almost back to my old self, I posted my story in another thread and asked a question. I remember day 6, I was just so tired I felt I couldn't force myself to get up and do anything, however was not able to sleep either. I can't beleive that just 3 days made the difference but it does, please hang in there. This board saved my life, reading all the stories about what others went through helped me a lot. It helped me to know what to expect as this was my first time really coming off of them after a long periods of use. Before I had used them temporarily and didn't really use them long enough to have the severe w/d that come with longterm use.
The Following User Says Thank You to scarlett1971 For This Useful Post: steeler52 (03-09-2012)
good deal, make it your first and last. yes, what a difference a few days can make, heck, what a difference 12 hours can make. slept and got my usual 4 hours but ill take it, hopin this magnesium will do the trick. been up since 1 am, i know ive been sleep deprived this whole process, there was one day at work where it was really screwin with me. luckly i just took a little nap during lunch and it got me thru the day. my energy is almost at 100%.
well this is the longest ive ever been off opiates, 13 days, hard to believe tomorrow will be 2 weeks. ugh, this only 5 hours of sleep a nite sux. hoping it passes soon! gona really try to push it and see if i can stay up later to see if that helps.
i dont know whats up with my brain, pushed myself to stay up 2 hours later only to wake up almost exactly at 1. it makes no sense and its like clock work. its really takin a toll, gona try to go back to bed in a bit but after floppin like a fish outta water for an hour it gets ridiculious. any advice from anybody or similiar experiences? ahh this is irritating but going back to opiates isnt an option.
its a miracle, i was able to crash shortly after floppin around for an hour. in fact my alarm had to wake me for work at 7. very groggy, and needed more but ill gladly accept this. drinking a pitcher of black tea straight as i always do (thats my coffee) . didnt realize how important sleep was. did some reasearch on the stages the other nite and they each have a purpose. i was hitting all 5 of em, but just not getting enough time in each as they repeat over and get longer in duration after every rep. i knew 100% i was deprived last nite cuz my body was pretty sore because later in the day at work yesterday, and when i woke up to type the previous post i was more sore, almost like the aches you get in the start of w/d but not quite as bad. almost had to take an advil but didnt. woke up soreness all gone, mood up, and as the tea kicks in becoming more alert. thank you dear lord. off to work . have a good one ya'll