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Old 02-21-2012, 04:13 PM   #1
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Unhappy very confused, dont know where to turn

Hi, I am relatively new to this site but find it helpful and supportive. Ive been married for 12 yrs to a man who is an alcoholic , he drinks daily and so do I , before i met him I didnt drink but had severe drug addictions , my husband helped me overcome the drugs but encoraged me to drink with him and besides a few sober weeks here and there it has been an ongoing struggle with the booze . Some days it may only be a few drinks but its always something, Ive been to daas about 10 times in 12 yrs but my hubby never takes me serious as he is in denial that he has a problem . I love my husband dearly but besides leaving him I am lost as to what to do , some days I wake up and say to myself am not going to have a drink today but come after work time he pours me a drink and its become a kind of ritual. I know theres a light at the end of the tunnel but how do I go about making him face up to his problems in order for up both to succeed in fighting this problem. When I have tried to give up the booze on my own I go 3 mabye 4 days and i end up so wound up and angry at him cause hes not even willing to try , when I get upset he says have4 a drink you will feel better, and that has always been his answer , am incredibly lost and feel like im trying to fight this battle on my own.........

Last edited by mearl37; 02-21-2012 at 04:16 PM.

 
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:34 AM   #2
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Re: very confused , dont know where to turn

The only person you can change in yourself, unless your inspiration is enough for him to take the leap and join you in a few sober day every week.

Deep down inside he knows he is drinking too much, and if he sees you takng it one step at a time, you can only hope ot will get him on the rght track. Make a point of enjoyuing some things that do not require ou to de be drunk, to show him it can be very fun too. Take your time and ise lots of positive encpuragement to support his efforts, and be [re[arerd for tje long road

 
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Old 02-22-2012, 05:53 AM   #3
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Re: very confused , dont know where to turn

Quote:
Originally Posted by mearl37 View Post
I love my husband dearly but besides leaving him I am lost as to what to do , some days I wake up and say to myself am not going to have a drink today but come after work time he pours me a drink and its become a kind of ritual. I know theres a light at the end of the tunnel but how do I go about making him face up to his problems in order for up both to succeed in fighting this problem. ......
Hello mear137,

You can't change him but you most certainly can change your reaction towards his offerings.

It's admirable that his support helped you with respect to drugs but please keep in mind that he plays the role of the enabler.

Refusal may make him see the error of his ways and by the same token might not.What you are doing is condoning his drinking habits,which cannot help any of you.

Actions have been known to speak volumes and in this case it may be a matter of seeing in order to be believed.

When a person's set in their ways,it's rather difficult(but not impossible)to seperate them from their ritualistic behavior patterns.

Is he the type of person who is open to change?

With effort,the impossible can become possible.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Old 02-24-2012, 02:40 PM   #4
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Re: very confused , dont know where to turn

You cannot change him but you can change your self.Try to cope with this situation and try to not to take the drink even if your husband insist you.Be strong and do whatever your inner feelings say !

 
Old 02-24-2012, 09:38 PM   #5
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Re: very confused , dont know where to turn

Make sure you do not let his reluctance to slow his drinking down cause you to go off your course.

You will likely find that the healthier you get, the less appealing his un healthy practices are. If you can find a way to team up and work on this together, that would be awesome.

 
Old 02-26-2012, 04:20 PM   #6
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Question Re: very confused , dont know where to turn

Hi thankyou all for your words of wisdom,
I feel supported and stronger because of them, Yesterday I had 4 drinks in a period of 9 hrs which is very good for me whilst he drank 3 quarts of a bottle of bourban , Today is the first day in a long time that Ive even been prepared to start battling this problem and say no to any alcohol, althought I am already on edge due to having a restless night and very bad dreams I am prepared to give it my all. One thing I am keen to know is how long does it usually take for the BP to start going down as mines been high for nearly a year, am keen to see the affects of my health returning but I know I have to take it 1 day at a time atm as its early days , any supportive posts would be much appreciated at this time as I do not have the support of my husband ,also I have not told him Im taking this step so feel really alone........

 
Old 03-06-2012, 01:15 PM   #7
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Re: very confused , dont know where to turn

I'm glad you reached out for help with your situation. Addiction is a medical issue that you might consider addressing with your physician who is prepared to assist you. Let him know about your previous drug addiction and let him know you want to do something about your alcohol addiction. Love yourself enough to work on your addiction in spite of what your husband's behavior is. Approaching treatment now that you feel ready would be a strong move on your part and an indication of willingness to change your life for the better. Give yourself the best chance for success by seeking support right now and don't turn back no matter what the obstacles. Wishing you the best.

 
Old 03-11-2012, 05:21 PM   #8
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Re: very confused , dont know where to turn

Hi,
thankyou for your kind words, Im going on my 14th day without alcohol even though I have been in many situations where the ppl ive been around expect me to drink with them. Ive felt stronger than anytime in the past especially now that my body is not being put through hell on a daily basis, I have my Bday coming up in 7 days and was thinking I would have a few social ones with my friends and family and then stick to my 3 weeks break again after that , as I still like to have a drink but just want to break the daily habit.........what do you think..?

 
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Old 03-12-2012, 12:34 PM   #9
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Re: very confused , dont know where to turn

Hi mearl37, It's great to hear that you've chosen to be substance free and you are going on 14 days, You must feel encouraged about the direction you are going in. I would encourage you to keep substance free everyday, and not to drink alcohol to celebrate your upcoming birthday. You have the ability to be social and alcohol free all the while celebrating your special day with friends and family. It will help you to make up your mind in advance about how you want to handle the day...and then follow through with what you want to do in spite of what you think others might expect of you. If you haven't yet sought the support of a physician, counselor or support group, I'd encourage you to do so immediately. You will benefit from that kind of support and from daily encouragement. Make the decision to do what is best for you and your renewed life path because you deserve it. Be strong and most definately love yourself for the changes you are making for yourself. Wishing you continued success in living a substance free life.

 
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Old 03-13-2012, 05:56 PM   #10
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Re: very confused , dont know where to turn

Mearl,

First off congrats on your sobriety and all the hard work your doing, keep it up. In regards to breaking your sobriety to have a few drinks on your birthday, not a good idea...if you've decided to quit drinking then you have to quit drinking...otherwise you'll find yourself finding many simple reasons or excuses to have a "social drink" more often than not.

Support is key for someone doing what you are....there is most likely an Alcohol Anonymous group somewhere near you, look them up, give them a try. It's so much easier to quit drinking when you have the support of people around you who know what your battling on a day to day basis.

Hang in there,

Kat

 
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Old 03-14-2012, 03:34 AM   #11
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Re: very confused , dont know where to turn

Hello Mearle

Nice to see you posting here on the board. :-)

Mearle, I am going to flow along with the words Kat and hopefloats wrote to you. (Good words!) If you are making the decision to qut drinking, then quit. Period. No planning for few because your birthday is coming! That is a silly excuse. You can enjoy a celebration with a glass of seltzer just as well.

No matter how many days we are sober, if we are thinking ahead to a date when we can drink, we have a problem. The problem is alcoholism. Mearle, I say this to you gently.... you are in as much denial as your husband. What he does or does not do can not be used as an excuse for what you do or don't do.

In your first post, I read your words about addiction to drugs and how hubby helped you through that. Mearle, I believe that all that truly happened was that you have moved from pills to alcohol, a drug in its own right. Please, outline a plan that ends with true sobriety on your part. Reach out for your own life and restore it. Turn to some AA meetings or a private counselor. recognize the jeopardy you are in with honesty and forthrightness.

I am wishing you well and hoping for only the best for you.
With care and concern
reach

 
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