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Old 02-23-2012, 12:24 AM   #1
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Sad

Hi all
I'm so sad today. Missing the person I was with for over a decade... It's very hard to fight the desire to just take more pills than I am prescribed to, just cause I don't want to feel depressed.
It's funny how you look for excuses- oh I'm sad so I deserve it, or just tonight etc all sorts of little simple excuses to go for it and forget.
So that's my struggle. Not just tonight but something I'll struggle with for a bit until I'm in a better place emotionally. it's hard to go through something emotional and NOT lean on the crutch you have in the corner .... but I'm really trying.

Anyhow just had to share...get that off my chest. I have too much going on in my mind.
Thanks for listening
W
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:45 AM   #2
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Re: Sad

Hi Wendy

I am sorry you are sad tonight. Who wouldn't be sad after ending a relationship of ten years? Whether it was a good or bad one, it is someone who was a constant in your life for ten years. So being sad sounds normal to me.

Allow yourself the sadness. Acknowledge it and feel it. This is how we live life on Life's terms. No pills needed, Honey. Just some tears and feelings flowing. At one point you depended on the pills so as not to feel the hurts. Now it is time to depend on yourself. We need to feel the hurts, the joys, the ups and downs that come into all our lives. If you can make it through tonight, it will be a great step forward into breaking the cycle of misusing the pills for emotional pain instead of physical pain.

You can so do this. Look at you... already you turned to a board and let the hurt be known. A new coping skill was just employed, Wendy. As we discover, or rediscover, healthy coping skills, we start to embed them in out thinking. It takes practice, but it truly does happen and the new skills replace the old habits until it becomes automatic.

Hope you get some peaceful rest tonight.
Wishing you well
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Old 02-23-2012, 02:19 PM   #3
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Re: Sad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wendy88 View Post
Hi all
I'm so sad today. Missing the person I was with for over a decade... It's very hard to fight the desire to just take more pills than I am prescribed to, just cause I don't want to feel depressed.
It's funny how you look for excuses- oh I'm sad so I deserve it, or just tonight etc all sorts of little simple excuses to go for it and forget.
So that's my struggle. Not just tonight but something I'll struggle with for a bit until I'm in a better place emotionally. it's hard to go through something emotional and NOT lean on the crutch you have in the corner .... but I'm really trying.

Anyhow just had to share...get that off my chest. I have too much going on in my mind.
Thanks for listening
W
Wendy,

I hear you but please try to realize it's just an urge;albeit a strong one.

Can you try to fast-forward to what generally happens after taking the meds in excess?

Maybe there's some guilt associated for knowingly going against "as directed" instructions.

You are way stronger than you give yourself credit for.If this could be tapped into,positive possibilities would hopefully come in droves.

Interesting that you identified excuses,as they are simply non-justifiable reasoning.

You know we're here and feel free to vent as often as you feel the need to.

To be aware is to be alive.

Respectfully
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Old 02-24-2012, 01:38 AM   #4
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Re: Sad

Thanks guys. I appreciate what you both had to say.
I just went to bed last night after crying a bit. But it felt good to get it out. I gotta go easy on myself. I mean, over a decade with someone, and we were engaged too. It's a lot to get over. So I need to remind myself that it's a big loss and I need to feel that to heal and move on. I can't keep stuffing it.

Im going out on and off all weekend with friends. Something I could do any time, but never do. I dont use extra pills when I'm out either... and I rarely drink but if I do, I never mix with pills. Ever. So, my plans this weekend will help me out a lot in many ways.
It feels nice to look forward to the weekend cause I'm gonna do fun things with people. Usually I only look forward to weekends cause I don't work and can sleep a lot and get high. BUT looking forward to seeing people etc makes me feel like the old me. The social, fun me, who loves talking, laughing. Not this other person who just wants to be alone to nod out on the couch. I want that trend/ lifestyle to change. It's lonely living like this. I know it isnt me. So, small steps. Or maybe they aren't that small at all. I'm just glad I'm taking steps in a positive direction.
I'm happy at the little changes I'm doing. We will see how it goes. I'll keep updating. Thanks for the support. I am grateful for every word!
Wendy
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Old 02-24-2012, 04:04 AM   #5
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Re: Sad

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So, small steps. Or maybe they aren't that small at all. I'm just glad I'm taking steps in a positive direction.
Wendy,

However you have to do it,it's the direction you travel that counts.
If you have to take huge or baby steps,shuffle or even stare,as long as it's in the right direction,you always have a fighting chance.....at resolve.

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Last edited by Phoenix; 02-24-2012 at 04:56 AM. Reason: additional info

 
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Old 02-24-2012, 04:50 AM   #6
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Re: Sad

I am sorry you are so sad. But unfortunately, you are not the only one feeling pain right now. Such is life, we have to pick up and keep on keeping on. It's so difficult when your world as you've known it for the past decade has collapsed, like mine. I feel your pain, I hurt where you hurt. There are days I just want to be dead but then I look out the window and see beauty, life. It's worth something...even the sunlight, cherish the small things and eventually you will feel better. It takes time. They say that for every year you are with some one it takes 6 months to get over.....we have a good couple years of grieving left but its doesn't always have to be sad. Remind yourself why you made the ultimate decision not to be with him....forced or not, there was a reason in your mind. Stay true to yourself. Good luck girl. xx

 
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Old 02-25-2012, 04:35 PM   #7
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Re: Sad

Thanks for your post nrthstargrl,
Yeah it's been so hard sometimes , but then , like you said, i can be filled with light and hope too.
My pill abuse make it hard to fully move on in my life cause when I go out etc, even if I dont use as much, I get tired faster or start wanting then. I can see how it is denting my life. How will I really start a good new relationship while I struggle with pills?

So I need to keep moving forward and trying to use them just what I have them for and not when I feel sad or alone or to stuff my emotions. I gotta keep reaching out to others for that.

I hope you have more days filled with seeing how good the world can be. Based on another post I saw, are you struggling with trying to quit drinking? And also bulimea? (excuse my spelling!). Do you see anyone to help with the ED? or is it something only you know about?
Thanks again for your post! And I believe you are new to the boards, so welcome!
Wendy
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Old 02-25-2012, 06:04 PM   #8
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Re: Sad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wendy88 View Post
How will I really start a good new relationship while I struggle with pills?

Wendy,

Your struggle is what gives you an inkling that something is wrong and needs to be worked on.

Work on you now and if a potential mate comes along,you continue working.

We are all flawed individuals,whether or not addiction hinders us.

What I hear is a person beginning to close their mind;keep that wonderful mind of yours open to possibilities and you'd be surprised what may enter your world.

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Old 02-26-2012, 02:07 PM   #9
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Re: Sad

Thanks Phoenix. I appreciate what you said.
Yup you are right. I can feel it when I'm doing that. Gotta fight it.

I know in my heart if I can put good vibes out, I'll get back so much. Just gotta keep on fighting the good fight!
Hope you are having a good Sunday!
W
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Old 02-26-2012, 03:39 PM   #10
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Re: Sad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wendy88 View Post

Just gotta keep on fighting the good fight!
Wendy,

That's all we can do,when the chips are down,when all seems bleak or when it seems we're backed up against a wall.

If we fall,we have to get back up, as soon as possible because it effects our emotional well being.

I suppose they call it the good fight because win or loose,we learn from it.

So we have to keep bobbing and weaving and at times be prepared with that cold compress for the blows that life can produce.

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Old 02-26-2012, 03:57 PM   #11
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Re: Sad

Wendy

It sounds like your taking steps in the right direction...by getting out for the weekend with friends. I hope you had a wonderful weekend. Keep us updated...

N2hlth

 
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Old 03-03-2012, 07:50 AM   #12
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Re: Sad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wendy88 View Post

So I need to keep moving forward and trying to use them just what I have them for and not when I feel sad or alone or to stuff my emotions. I gotta keep reaching out to others for that.
Hello Wendy,

How have you been?

Are you beginning to put things in the proper perspective?

I know that dealing with emotional issues can be a consuming task and also that you are up for the challenge.

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Old 03-07-2012, 01:08 AM   #13
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Re: Sad

Hi Phoenix!
How are you? I'm ok. Had a very tough week at work. See my pain doc Thurs. I'm low on my pills so for the past 5 days I've only taken about 1-2 a day, instead of 6-8. Besides one bad night of w/ds where I thought my heart would explode and I was kicking like crazy, I'm fine. Clear headed, energy. I really am tired a lot because of pills. I don't want that for my life. But then I think of never feeling that feeling I still get from them sometimes. It's a hard thing to stop... I've been getting high on one thing or another since I was 12... around 24 years. Even if I wasn't addicted to things, cause pills are really the only thing I've had a true issue with... Coke is a thin line with me.... but I haven't done it in months, which is good. I don't look for it anymore.
Im thinking of seeing a therapist. I've always had anxiety, but I believe I've started to suffer from depression. I need help sorting through my past few years. It won't be my first time at that rodeo, but I finally may be ready to let my guard down more this go around. We shall see...
Let me know how you are, ok?

Wendy
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Old 03-07-2012, 04:02 AM   #14
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Re: Sad

Wendy,

It's good to know that you are making it through your rough patches.I even dared to smile at the "thin line" comment.
I feel like a motion detector(an extremely sensitive one) but such is life.
Please strongly consider seeing a therapist again.It might help cure what ails you.Remember that the more you share,the less of a burden you have to carry alone.

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Old 03-07-2012, 06:52 AM   #15
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Re: Sad

Be with good positive people and stay out of your head. Best of luck.

 
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