hi froglady and good morning to all. i wont be able to post tomorrow so i wanted to tell you good luck froglady. you will definitely be in my thoughts tomorrow and i pray that you get what you need. i try to remember in situations like yours that you will always get what you need out of it, not necessarily what you want. this could be the beginning of building a relationship or it may not be. either way, you are going to be ok. i said a prayer for you last night and will do so tonight again. please post to us how it went and how you felt about the whole meeting. above all else, no matter what happens, keep your sobriety first! dont let this make you slip. lots of love and lots of hugs!
good morning all! froglady, how did your meeting with your dad go? im anxious to hear about it. j
i feel a little down today. i guess im just having a hard time accepting the fact that i have to wait until june 4th to see a stupid dr. patience...... the time just seems to be dragging. im out of absolutely anything to help me thru. no opiates, no valium for the anxiety....etc. this sucks. i had my son outside all day yesterday and cooked a big late lunch/early dinner for my family and a few friends so yesterday wasnt so bad. but now i have to fing something to do everyday until the 4th! ugh.
i wish i could just go back to the days before i ever picked up a pill and was happy. why does this happen to people? how did it even happen? i had surgery. i gave someone who was dying a kidney!!! and this is what i got stuck with for 5 years. oh well.
i dont know what else to say, im just a little depressed and confused today and dont really know where else to go to tALK to someone. sorry if i babbled. have a good day everyone.
hi kelly sorry to hear your having a hard time....you know i'm going to tell you something and people may jump on me for saying this but i know for me i had to wait untill i think i was like a week untill the doctor could see me and i could start my methadone and i told the doctors i was sick i was dieing inside or at least that's how i felt...the beginning of withdrawls... i was told no one expected me just to stop using untill i was able to start my methadone they couldn't tell me to go ahead and still use but i know that's what they were hinting to do. and ya i was ****** because i was ready right then to stop but i know for me, and maybe you are different but i couldn't just stop with out having something else like, the methadone or subs. if i could stop using with out the help of those meds i wouldn't been seeking them out in the 1 st place. so i would say do what you have to until you can get in with the sub doctor. you have taken the 1 st step give your self credit for that. i also started my pill addiction all from hurting my back at work and the meds were given to me from my doctor. ok about my meeting with my dad...it went great!!!!! when i was driving there i was so calm as soon as i turned on the road that the place was on i started to shake un controlabley it scared the **** out of me i felt like i was a feak i couldn't stop shaking. i pulled up i saw his motor cycle and a single guy sitting on top of a hill at a pinic table it was him. i parked my car i could barley walk up the hill i was trying to control my shaking i must of looked like a nut shaking so bad i saw him he said you must be heidi i said yes i could barly talk. i told him straight out that i don't know why but i'n scaed and couldn't stop shaking he said it was ok he was scared too. and before you knew it i took control and just startws talking like he was one of my long lost friends. it went great he said he was sorry for niglicting me my whole life and how he didn't tell his other 2 daughters about me becasue in his mind he thought he was protecting them. i also found out the in the past he cheated on his wife and did a pantery test with another women and that child was not his...wow...so on that note he says he knows i am his but he feels that in order for his wife and his children to except me we should do a d.n.a test, which he was happy to hear i had no problem doing i myself would like to see the results in writting too. and that way there is never a quistion in my mind too. also i did ask why he never bothered with me that it was fine if he didn't want anthing to do with my mom but why not me...he said that my mom let him off the hook and that he says he wanted a blood test done after i was born and that my mother or grand parents said no!!! i told my mom that. she say that is a lie...who knows i look at it that no matter what it's the past lets move forward. i know my mom is ****** and wants to call him and chew him out for his lie but she isn't because she knows also that it wont change a thing if anything it would maybe make him back off from me...and my mom doesn"t want to see me get hurt. he also never knew i called him 17 years ago when i was pregant with my son...his wife at that time told me to never call back and i did't. and she has told him she burned the letter that i sent. but there was a lot we talked about but he says as of yesturday, the day we met that he wants to hold onto me and never let me go...he hugged me good bye. i criied a good deal of the drive home. so it looks like he is going to be a part of my life from here out. i wrote both my sisters a e mail telling them both how happy i was, this was last night, well they were both on ******** today so i know they read my e mails and neither 1 of them replied to me, talk about hurting my feelings...so i'm a little bummed about that and then my dad emailed me lastnight asking how i felt about our meeting asking if i was disappointed...i said i was glad we did and no i 'm not disappointed. and then he said that he knows his timing is not good but he is going away for 3 weeks with his wife so when he gets back we will get on with the d.n.a test. i told him that was fine...i've waited 36 yeras for this i'll be here when he comes back...so that's where things are now....so over all good just feelings are hurt with my sisters but thats me over senstive...thyanks for asking and hearing. my story....lol....i have a story!!!!! ttyl...Heidi...oh ya my spell check is not working and i can't spell fro crap sorry hhehehehe
The following user gives a hug of support to froglady6g: Tysmom1 (05-23-2012)
I think Suboxone might be a great way to go for you. If you can't taper, or quit CT, then suboxone is probably the way to go. You can slowly reduce your use over time to where you don't notice the withdrawal but you'll have to do it slow. Seems like that is not the issue for you, it is the time of being clean. Suboxone should help with that.
hi all! im gonna update as quickly as i can because i feel like total crap. first things first... froglady, im so glad to hear that your meeting with your dad went well. your sisters will come around, they need time to adjust and absorb this too. i applaud the way you are handling all of this!
ok, the va called and told me they had a cancellation yestereday at 230. so needless to say, i jumped on it. i was in full blown withdrawals..,..sweating like i ran a friggin marathon rright in front of the doctor, how embarassing. so after a 30 minute conversation with him, he put me on 8 mg of suboxone a day. 4 in the am, 4 in the pm. i have to say that the withdrawals are completely gone as well as any desire to take an opiate. ive never gone more than a day without the desire to use. so im very happy with this aspect. however, as luck would have it, i have a few side effects that the doc said should subside in a week or less. im nauseous, vomitting, and have the worst migraine ever. i have never had this much pain in my head but if this is just temporary, i can definitely deal with it. ive read that many people had this too until the med was adjusted to fit their needs and of course, til their bodies could get used to it. (a few days for all the people ive read about). the side effects didnt start until an hour after my second dose. the headache lets up every now and then so i am able to take care of my 15 month old, even get down and play with him. (hes on my lap righ now)lol! i love him! anyway, for the first time in five years i feel like i have an honest to god shot at conquering this addiction. it is such a relief to feel as though i am going to actually make it this time. i cant even put into words how good it feels to not want a pk. aside from the nausea, and headache, i am so happy to have this option available to me at no cost through the va.
if anyone out there has had these side effects when beginning subs, can you please tel me how long they lasted or what helped ease them. excedrin is helping some but not awhole lot. i go back on friday to see the doctor again to get more medication and adjust the dose if necessary. i think the dose may be fine but we'll see how i feel come friday morning.
Thanks everyone for your responses. It is so nice to have support in these forums. My mother is actually 100% behind me for the first time in 5 years. my one sister is dead set against it and says its just a crutch. i told her it may be a crutch, but if something is broken and you need something to lean on until you can fix it, you would lean on it too. she just doesnt understand. so i feel like i am doing what i need to do to be the best mother, daughter, and sister i can be. and if suboxone is going to help me get there, than i will take the help. cuz god and everyone else knows that i cant do it alone. but i think that together...WE can! hugs and love....
Kelly i am so happy for you, this is great news, i think it is great that you are getting the relief you need with the subs. for some one in our position i know for me i felt like it was a miracle drug for me. in my mind i think of subs and methadone as the same meds they do the same thing, keep us clean...our body thinks it was pain pills in it, while it doesn't. we are able to be normal, with no or little deal able cravings. and i have heard many times people say subs./methadone is just another drug that I'm replacing one for the other, but those words normally come out of peoples mouth that have been lucky and not to have to deal with this issue that we deal with every minute of our lives. if we were diabetic or had cancer or any other major disease no one would question us about taking medication to deal/handle that disease so i think of my addiction as a disease and for me i need methadone to keep my disease under control and from taking over my life as it did one too many times before. that's how i handle people who don't agree with my methadone use and most just don't understand. ok so about my side effects when i was on subs. i also had a killer head ache that just wouldn't let up the doctor lowed my dose it faded away then in about 2 weeks i went back up and i was fine, i think it had to build in my system and my body had to get use to it. and i also would get sick, puke after taking it that would happen about an hour after it dissolved under my tongue,,why i have no clue i just dealt with it, i have not been on subs sense 2009, and just thinking about them i swear i can recall that taste in my mouth,,,oh so yucky i would have went back on the subs instead of the methadone this time but i just didn't have the $ to pay for the doctors visit but my insurance pay for the meds. but then again that was the reason why i got clean this time too,,,it was Christmas time i wanted money to buy my teenagers gifts and i couldn't be buying pills and there gifts too. so i said no more my kids happiness comes first...and i was tired of the searching game all the phone calls looking for pills all the late night drives picking up pills i was sick and tired of being sick and tired. so hang in there hold your son tight and know you are doing this the right way and be proud of your self. it's not easy admitting that you are powerless and asking for help you are a strong brave women don't forget that...and yes you will still have moments of struggle, for me i have times when i feel i have the angel sitting on 1 of my shoulders and the devil on the other, no one is perfect...one day at a time, we are all here for you keep us updated...thinking of you....Heidi...and yes i write novels....i am only 4'11" i always say i maybe short and sweet but i don't write that way, i write long and i don't bull **** people i call it how i see it...ttyl = )
The Following User Says Thank You to froglady6g For This Useful Post: Tysmom1 (05-23-2012)
Very glad to hear you got in early. Sorry for the crappy side effects. Ask you doc if normal migraine remedies work for the headaches if yes, then caffiene, chocolate and excedrine migraine should help with the headache.
Hope your feeling better soon.
The Following User Says Thank You to katlin09 For This Useful Post: Tysmom1 (05-24-2012)
sorry, can't say that suboxone will do it for ya, just another narcotic to try to come off of. after a 10 year run of norco, percs, dilaudid, I did a 6 day detox and 30 day residential stay, currently running 84 days. detox was a *****, no subox, no methadone, just clonidine-bp medication. Now that its said and done, glad it was the process, it gets better everyday, not easier at times but better.
opiate1, im sorry to hear the negativity you seem to carry. although you "cant seem to say that suboxone will do it for me", you cant say that it wont. but thanks for wishing me luck and supporting my decision to not give up and to do whatever it takes to try to beat this. wait, you didn't. glad to hear you have 84 days and that your way worked for you. that way kept me clean for two years but ges what? i cant really say thats gonna do it for ya.
you should go back and read the other two posts you have on this forum. they are just as negative. people come here for suport and advice. not to be told that tapering doesnt work, suboxone doesnt work, and that apparently your way is the only way. i hate to break it to you but nobody has actually thanked you for your "useful responses". i didn't ask for lectures or reasons why people think suboxone is a bad idea. or maybe you didnt read the entire thread. who knows. either way, i will repeat it so you dont forget, i need success stories and advice on how to use sub to help me as i have tried a hundred other routes. sorry if im coming off as bitchy but i am determined to beat this and dont need someone telling me that what im doing is wrong when its worked for so many people i know, and people i dont know. take care and i wish you luck in your sobriety.
Good morning all,
i have an appt with my sub doc at 0830 and im really not sure what to tell him. hes a very good doc so hopefully he will just ask the right questions. the 4mg in the am, and again in the pm have helped, but my cravings kicked back in last night big time. he said to me on tuesday that that is what we need to get under control first, and then find the lowest dose possible that keeps it managable so i can focus on repairing the areas of my life that cause relapse. he gives good advice and really does care. i suppose ill just tell him exactly how im feeling and see what he says. physically id have to say im at 90%. no withdrawal, headaches are gone, so is the nausea and vomitting. thank goodness. so really all thats left is to get the cravings and obsessions under control,. my whole thought process needs to be altered and my lifestyle needs to change a little bit more yet. i really want to get back in to church, volunteer a little, and find some play groups for my son one or two days a week. this should put me around the kinds of people i want in my life, rather than other people who are still using, or whatever. i have managed to cut all contact with them and feel so much better for it. i thought id be lonely, but i was lonlier when i talked to those people because all they cared about was if i had anything i could give them or knew of anyone that did. if i tried to talk about family or my son, al of a sudden they are too busy... who needs that? not me. im ready to surround myself with positive people and things in my life. im looking forward to meeting with the addictions specialist once a week and seeing what she sugests for me as a starting point. i will post later as to how my appt went.
froglady, kat, how are yas?
bolter, i hope you are still going strong. how are you feeling these days?
Glad those headaches have left you, it's not easy to operate with that going on. Sounds like you've got some great ideas in the works, lots of positive stuff, that's the way to do it. Try not to take on too much too quick, you'll probably wear down pretty easy for a while...ease yourself into things.
I'm so glad you got to start your journey earlier than they planned.
I'm doing okay, trying to get my brain to work right after being in the hosp. and with the new meds. got behind in work and need to get caught up.
Hope you and your lil guy have a great weekend!
The Following User Says Thank You to katlin09 For This Useful Post: Tysmom1 (05-25-2012)