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Old 05-12-2012, 03:39 AM   #1
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Relapsed, thinking suboxone is my only hope.

Hi all,
So i made it about 2 or 3 weeks and caved into the anxiety and cravings. This sucks. I feel so powersless over this and dont want to spend the rest of my life using. i truly dont. I hate myself for what i've done but have to look forward ionstead of having a"poor me" party.

OK for as long as ive been doing opiates, i know that i cannot taper. i always take more than i should. im not scared of the withdrawal, im scared of the weeks and months that follow. I need help. I ned something to get me thru it all besides friends and god. its sad but i know myself. hell, we all know ourselves to a degree.

I am a disabled veteran and have 100% benefits through the VA. So, money is not an issue. I wont have to pay for any treatment. From the hours and hours of research ive done, suboxone is looking like the only thing to save my life. And this really is life or death for me. Aceteminophen is hard on the liver and im getting way more than the max daily dose from the lorcet.

I need some advice on the whiole suboxone route, i need success stories, not a lecture please... ive lectured myself enough. i need to know how to line this up, what to expect, and how to be successful this time. i want this as much as i want to keep my son! Any and all info and advice for success is appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Kelly

 
Old 05-12-2012, 05:25 AM   #2
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Re: Relapsed, thinking suboxone is my only hope.

Hi Tysmom, I guess if you really decided you want to go the suboxone route all you gotta do is call your VA and tell them what you wrote above. Suboxone is just another drug but I found for me that it gave me a chance to slow down and get my head together some what. I,m sure you,ve read that it,s addictive. Do what your dr. says but keep in mind that you don,t need to take a high dose for it to be effective. I,ve read other posts where dr. started patient on 16-24mg. and patients just took less for same effect. Probably best to be on same page as Dr. through the whole treatment. I started on just 12mg. and it worked fine. I had a pretty bad oxy habit. You will want to taper slowly, you probaly don,t want to be on this stuff forever, too much of any drug is not good for the body. The first couple of days I was on it I felt a little weird, not bad just maybe depressed. After that I felt normal, sober, straight, not sick. It was a strange feeling at first, who am I kidding, still is. Havn,t felt this way in years. Been a little over 2 months now and I,m into the taper process. You will not have to get off subs. as fast as I,m trying, just my preferance. Go at your own pace. Your going to have to be in your opiate wd before you take your first dose or you,ll get real sick. They might want you to go to counceling. My dr. writes me 30 day script and I see him once a month. VA might be different. I bet you don,t want to hear this but NA meetings could help. This is all I can think of right now and you probably knew all this anyways. Don,t hate yourself just because you relasped, sh*t happens. Pick yourself up and go get some help. Keep posting and hang in there.

 
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Old 05-12-2012, 06:19 AM   #3
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Re: Relapsed, thinking suboxone is my only hope.

Thanks bolter. i appreciate the quick response. you were accurate in assuming that i just need some time where my whole thought process can get straightened out. i do hate being an addict. i dont think anyone gets up and one day says, hey! i wanna be a drug addict! hahaha. i feel as though i need some time under my belt with clean time. just something to help me through the beginning phases of it all. im sure you know what im talking about when i say that i have tried more times than i can count to beat this on my own. its not that im surrendering to it, im just accepting the fact that i need a little more than just my own willpower to get thru this. i wish this were easier. not easy. just easier. i remember very well being in my twenties and being the only one of myu friends at 29 that could honestly say that they never tried a drug. ever. here i am 6 years later and just want that clean life back where i didnt chase after refills, and friends who had some, and well, you know. im babbling. i was genuinely happy without so much as a drink. always laughing, smiling, etc.. again, thank you so much. i rely on these boards for support since my family seems to be allergic to supporting each other in anything. ill definately keep posting. ill call the va monday. theyll see me next day if i ask. so ill take my last dose sunday night and go in tuesday in pretty good withdrawals. i just dont want to risk going to early and end up thrown into withdrawals courtesy of subs! that would ssuck.... ill let ya know how it goes. any tips for success with this? ill do meetings. no problem. just not aa. did that before and dont like the people that go to my local meetongs. but i can try na for sure. there is an addiction counselor at the va so ill talk to them too. i think its required once a week for sub program. just as well, i need to understand whats driving me to use when what my head and heart truly want is sobriety. weird. have a good one. ttyl

kelly

 
Old 05-14-2012, 09:13 AM   #4
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Re: Relapsed, thinking suboxone is my only hope.

I started suboxone a week ago, I haven't taken any percs, I haven't drank and I haven't stuck a needle in my arm yet so it's a success so far..
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Old 05-14-2012, 10:38 AM   #5
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Re: Relapsed, thinking suboxone is my only hope.

hi kelly i see you online i've bben down this road too many times...but i'll share what i know about suboxone, i have been on it before along with methadone, i am on methadone now, i would of choose suboxone again instead of the methadone but i had to have money up front for the therapy and to see the doctor. i find it very odd that in my area the doctors who are licensed to prescribe suboxone don't take insurance, but the pharmacy does so it covers the meds but not the doctors visits. so at the time i didn't have $500.00 bucks to see the doctor but to go to the methadone clinic they take insurance for everything so that';s why i went back on the methadone. this was all back in december the 22nd of 2011 is my clean date. so far so good. so any ways before i go into my story where are you at today? how are you feeling? take anything today? are you still planning to go to the va 2mrw? kicking this habit is very hard, my body was chemically dependent but the act of using for me i snorted my perks, anything that had hydro in it went up my nose but the feeling of something in my nose dripping down of the back of my throat was a addictive feeling for me too. weird i know.. before this round of pill abuse it was oxys when you could crush them up and snort them, when i couldn't do that any more and had to swallow them, well the effected me differently so i stopped and got clean with subs. if i recall right i was on 8mg a day. i cut it in half doing 4 mg in the am and 4 mg in the evening i think around 4 pm. it went under my tongue to disolve the taste is sooo nasty just remembering that taste now is turning my stomach, but the stuff was a wonder drug for me. at first maybe 2 weeks i was very sleepy on it but that leveled out in time. i slept so good at night that also took some time, but having a good night sleep was heaven sent = ) i started it while attending a day program so i was doing the mandatory group thing at the program but after 6 weeks at the day program i had to attend 1/ 45 min group a week and see the doctor i think every other week i was giving 2 weeks of pills at a time, and a pee test every week. but im sure every state and program/doctor was there own protocol they have you follow. i hope some of this info helped feel free to ask any thing if i can help i will try my best. i'm a 36 year old female/mother of 2 teenagers who know about my addiction, i'm married to a great guy whom has a drinking problem that he is working on, so that's a little bit about me in a nut shell i'm new to these boards people seam great, with great advice i take the good with the bad, some times i read something i don't want to but i know i need to. but keep in mind we are all different what works for 1 my not always work for someone else so just keep an open mind and ear to things or try to, i know easier said then done...remember you are not alone in this...far from..ttyl

 
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Old 05-14-2012, 01:11 PM   #6
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Re: Relapsed, thinking suboxone is my only hope.

Kelly,

Do whats best for you and yur success. Like you said you know you best. Not like you tried once and threw in the towel. Your fighting to be the best sober mom you can be for your son, theres no shame in that. Contact the VA and they can give you steps for what to do next re: sub treatment.

Hang in there, keepign you in my prayers.

Kat

 
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Old 05-15-2012, 03:05 AM   #7
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Re: Relapsed, thinking suboxone is my only hope.

hi kat and hi froglady, thanks for your well appreciated input. lord knows i need it!

froglady, it sounds to me if i understood right, that suboxone was a great option for you, just not financially so. thank god i get it free from the va. i did speak to the vA yesterday and they are on vacation (the sub doc) and i cant be seen until june 4th. whatever. i think thats crap. ive been taking the smallest amount possible to keep the withdrawal away. yester day and today, ive just been taking valium 5 mg twice a day for this massive anxiety and it totally relieves it. the rest i can deal with. i guess im just disappointed tha i have to wait almost 3 weeks to get help. oh well, it is what it is.

kat, as always you always make me feel better about my decisions, and thank you most importantly for realizing that i didnt simply give up, im just determined to find the avenue that gives me freedom from the pill taking. i dont want to stay on it long term, just a few months at a low dose and slow taper. the withdrawals for me wouldnt be so bad if it werent for the anxiety. i suffer from that anyway from ptsd as a result of the military. the withdrawal just seems to magnify it by 100!

i will definately keep everyone posted as to how i am doing and how the appt goes when i finally get there.

thanks to all! if you can think of anything else please feel free to add it ANYTIME it strikes you!

 
Old 05-15-2012, 02:12 PM   #8
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Re: Relapsed, thinking suboxone is my only hope.

Kelly,

Leave it to the VA to have 1 addiction Dr. and let that Dr. go on vacation for 3 weeks at a time...hmmm..wonder what all the current Sub users are doing?

Sorry you're having to wait, I know it sucks when you make a decision to do something and then someone says, "oh no, stop wait!".

Your strong, you can do this, just do what you have to to get to that point. We can have daily posting sessions and gripe it out. I'm finally getting out of the hosp today (yay!) so I'll be back to my normal all day all night lurking and posting!

Hang in there girl,

Kat

 
Old 05-15-2012, 03:00 PM   #9
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Re: Relapsed, thinking suboxone is my only hope.

vacation... that sucks, but i so understand that...when i finally came to the point that i didn't want to use no more, i wanted help right then and there, and i was told that i had to come back Monday, the place i went to for help closed early that day for there Christmas party and they will reopen on Monday, or at least be open to start the process of enrolling a new patient. i was so aggravated, but it was what it was, so i went home used all weekend and started off Monday with a new attitude, and i haven't used sense then. but that's me we are all different, and deal with things differently. yes suboxen worked great for me in ct the doctors in my area don't take insurance to see suboxen patients why??? i have no clue so yes it was a money thing why i choice methadone and not returning to subs.i rather the subs. right now i have to wake up early everyday to drive 30 mins to get my methadone i should get 1 take home bottle starting next week, that means i get a day off driving there and i can sleep in yeah!!!! i haven't gotten to do that sense dec. 22nd 2011. so that's where i am at now. with subs. you get to take your pills your self at home i so wish i could do that. i fell and screwed up my knee at the end of march so pain was an issue for me that was hard to cope with, and now i'm dealing with a pretty major family issue and i must say i would love to use i would love to just check out for a while and not have to deal with all the crap and feelings i'm dealing with. in a nut shell...i'm meeting my bio-dad for the 1st time in my life, he walked away when my mom was pregnant she let him she didn't need his money and he wanted nothing to do with her or me. i have found him and my 2 twin sisters online, they new nothing about me, he has come clean to them, they now know the truth, and i am meeting him this Saturday. i am a basket case. its weird i relate my feeling to some one who just lost a loved one. you go through phases, denial, for me excitement, mad, hurt, confused, scared, ******. so as you see i so would love to use right now, i wont.....but dam talk about cravings. i'll keep in touch i'm sure come Saturday i'll have a lot to say and will need to share...thanx all!!!!!!!

 
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Old 05-16-2012, 12:05 AM   #10
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Re: Relapsed, thinking suboxone is my only hope.

to clarify, hes on vacation for a week but no openings til the 4th. whatever... im soryy to hear what you are going through. i plersonally dont speak to my real dad. ive seen him on rare occasions, but hes very quick to dismiss the conversations. so whatever. this is my dilemma with that. right now i feel as though if he were to pass away, it wouldnt affect me. i think you are making the right decision to met him. even if things dont go the way you anticipate, at least you will know in your heart that you tried and did what you needed to do to get some closure. ive tried this. and while i didnt get all of the answers i wanted, it was enough for me to say to myself, well thats over and now i can move on. he is not willing to have a conversation past that one. so on one hand he is my dad, but there was never any kind of connection there so im not sure that i have any feelings for him.. whatever you decide to do, is up to you. just try to remember to keep an open mind. if you dont get out of it what you want, yuou can move forward from there. best of luck to you. and let me know how it goes. when exactly are you meeting him? ill say a prayer for you. lots of hugs!

 
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Old 05-16-2012, 12:11 AM   #11
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Re: Relapsed, thinking suboxone is my only hope.

where are you meeting him? a public place? that in my opinion would be best just in case things dont go well. also, i try to llive for these words. be prepared for the worst, but definately hope for the best! best of luck sweetie!

 
Old 05-16-2012, 12:00 PM   #12
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Re: Relapsed, thinking suboxone is my only hope.

Froglady,

Saying some extra prayers your way, seems like you've got your hands full in the stress department these days. Hope things go the way you want this weekend.

Kat

 
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Old 05-16-2012, 03:29 PM   #13
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Re: Relapsed, thinking suboxone is my only hope.

I relapsed after 28 years free from opiates. I now am taking 12mg per day of Suboxone film at an approved clinic. I also have suffered from bouts of "High Anxiety" and mild Tortures Syndrome. My neurologist has prescribed me Clonidine. The combination completely takes away my opiate urges and I never get too anxious. Even right now, my wife is being tested for what could be cancer in her jaw. I am cool as a cucumber and run my small business with complete alertness & competence. I totally agree that you should stay away from the Acetaminophen & Ibuprofen. Those things are poison. I hope this was helpful. God bless.

 
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Old 05-16-2012, 07:00 PM   #14
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Re: Relapsed, thinking suboxone is my only hope.

may 19th this sat. 1pm....very public place, an ice cream stand so we will be out doors people will be around, we can sit at a picnic table and talk. so if i or him feel we need to leave we can. i do have tons on my plate right now my stress level is through the roof...lets see my knee is messed up I'm now in pt for that, been out of work for 6 weeks because of knee injury i went back to work this week light duty, thank goodness starting to behind on bills, a hubby who drinks too much, i'm a addict in recovery once again, i have a 14 year old daughter who knows it all, a 17 year old son who is graduating next month then off to college in Oct. i moved in Feb. my dog was just very sick, liquid **** all over the place, thank goodness for hardwood floors my area rugs are a mess. and now meeting my real dad i think that's enough for 1 person to handle and still stay clean i may loose my marbles at times but I'm still chugging along, thank you to you all for letting me vent all my BS on your ears, i truly mean that. = )

 
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Old 05-16-2012, 07:26 PM   #15
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Re: Relapsed, thinking suboxone is my only hope.

Froglady,

Okay girl, lets find some Silver Linings...

1. The knee will get better/stronger and that pain takes your mind off the addiction pain some. If you have any questions about knee stuff or PT, throw 'em at me, I've had 16 Bilateral Knee Surgeries, repairs, revisions, reconstructions, rebuilds, microfractures, cadaver transplants, you name it...LOL..I think I can take my own knees apart at this point and put them back together again. I do know some lil tricks of the trade that can help get through the pain and PT though.

2. The bills will be there, when the money is, "When you get it, they'll get it", if they don't like it, tough. Don't let them hassle you. Late bills won't destroy your credit, it takes months to lose a car and up to a year or more in this economy to lose a home. If you can send them $1 or $5 a month, your showing legal proof of payment and willingness to work with your debtors.

3. The hubby - your going to let him worry about fixing him remember.

4. Your an addict in recovery, doing whatever it takes to stay clean, your strong, awesome and fighting like hell to take care of your kids, work, take care of your husband and live your life. No shame in any of that....You are a rock star!

5. Your 14 yr. old daughter is normal! LOL...be thankful for that.

6. Your 17 yr old son is graduating from High School and going to college! WOOHOO!!! Way to go MOM, that took some love and support along the way!

7. Dang, sorry I'm not a dog person. LOL

8. Your getting to meet your dad, and however it goes, you'll gain something you want/need from it.

Lock the dog in the laundry room, ignore the grouchy daughter, let the hubby take care of himself, run a really hot bubble bath and let yourself relax for a bit. The world will still be there when you get back....

Stay strong, I'm amazed at all your managing and staying sober on top of it...that is amazing.

Kat

 
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