Join Date: May 2012
| | My short life of cigarette, pot smoker, & caffine addict why I stopped.
I just wanted to share my experience(s) as a former addict. I am sorry if this is too long, but I hope that it is worth your time and you find something useful here.
To set the record straight both of my parents were chronic cannabis smokers up until they both died. As a young adult (22) I smoked recreationally with them. We all had our reasons. My father had 2 bad hips and it seemed to be the only way he could go to sleep. My mother had terminal breast cancer and eventually it killed her. She was prescribed 'medicinal marijuana' to help with the pain.
I watched my parents take loads of different stuff. MS-Contin, Methadone, Cannabis etc. The first 2 tore my heart in two far more than the last. But you can't class or measure 'pain' in anyway. Pain is pain, and no one has the right to say they are hurting more than another person.
My father died first his heart just stopped one night. He hadn't even taken anything. My father died 5 days before his 60th birthday. Normal weight, a former soccer player at 25. My mother died 3 weeks later from breast cancer.
I had never known my parents being straight. They both started 'using' after I was born. Which is when the pain got too much for my dad and my mother was diagnosed. Taking drugs was the only thing they could do to 'connect' without ripping each other apart all the time. I think the physical pain was really only a 'justification' for them.
I started smoking pot to sort of get on their wavelength. For 19 years I was totally against it and I thought people who smoked it were scumbags. It took my first joint to realise that it wasn't that bad. I smoked recreationally, about 3 times a week only for about 6 months.
That was until I greened out one day. I smoked a thin joint. It was tiny, but obviously it was just too much for me. I'm not a drinker or anything and my body was absolutely entirely clean. I'm also a little underweight which doesn't help. It put me on my *** outside in the garden. I remember getting there, I usually don't forget anything.
I remember the feeling of not being able to think of anything. Not remember who I was, where I was, what I was doing or who was around me. I stood in the kitchen first making a sandwich and I was chewing on bread. I stood there for 20 minutes apparently and chewed my sandwich without swallowing it until it was just a dry mess in my mouth. I remember my memories coming back to me so slowly. I remembered my name first, where I was second, then I remembered I was in love, that my wife was at work. Suddenly I was so scared that I would forget her, and how much I loved her. I was scared that I wouldn't remember how much I love her. I tried as hard as I could to think of something, anything. To speed my brain up which was moving so slowly. Memories came back, very old ones first because I was trying to hard to think. Then new ones, things I did a few days ago.
I tried walking around, and I just fell over. Eventually I ended up crawling into the garden. After sitting there for about 30 minutes I started screaming for help. My mother and my neighbour found me in the garden looking as white as a sheet. My mum threw water on me and told me "It's ok honey, no one has ever died from smoking pot, you will get better in just a little while" But the 'greening out' stage lasted an entire day.
Memories came back faster now, I remembered how I had got to the garden. My mouth tasted like garbage from chewing the sandwich too long. My neighbour carried me to my bed where I lied down for about 5 hours. I threw up 6 times into a bucket, but I didn't feel any better.
3 days later I still feel smashed from the joint. I thought pot was a 'safe' drug and that was why everyone smoked it. I thought it was the only drug that could be taken without having this kind of crap happen. But I was wrong, I was so wrong. I just remember feeling like I wanted to die, like I was scared to die. I had never been so scared to die in my whole life. I had never been so scared, or even scared at all that I would forget that I loved my wife and that I would maybe forget everything we had done together.
Days later I hadn't recovered completely and I wondered at that time if I would ever recover, I wondered for weeks if maybe I had lost something, or forgotten something. How could I know anyway, if I had forgotten something?
There ended the short 6½ month time that I smoked marijuana. It was the first of one of the best decisions I have made in my life. Smoking a little made me realise that people who smoke are not scumbags. But that it was more dangerous than people really gave credit for. I started to sort of understand why it could be made illegal. Not just because it posed such a threat to tobacco companies.
Next came Cigarettes. My wife and I went through a lot of stress for 15 months. Her mother had stopped smoking and my wife always gave her 'what-for' for smoking in the first place. Little did I know that my wife had smoked since she was 16. The only place that she ever did a bit of smoking was on her break time at work. Every other time I was with her and she wasn't able to smoke. She was pretty much forced to quit entirely and barely had more than 1 cigarette in a week.
I travelled overseas for 2 months for a holiday alone. I found out whilst I was gone that my wife was a smoker. It made me throw up 3 times in about 10 minutes. After feeling angry I felt sad that she felt she couldn't tell me. Then I felt weird because she had always been the one who was so against it and gave her mother such a hard time for ever having been a smoker.
When I came back to her I told her that I had found out, and I explained how. I told her that I loved her, and that it was sweet that she hid it from me, so I wouldn't be hurt by it. I bought her a packet of the cigarettes that she smoked and it was very awkward. I said I would have one with her. It would be my first cigarette in 22 years of me being alive. I smoked it with her, it was one of those 'light menthol' ones. They're all the same. But it didn't make me cough, and I inhaled it like you inhale 'pot'. I was so surprised at how quickly you get a nicotine high. On the 3rd puff I felt like I was 'high' and I felt a little dizzy. I smoked it slowly with my wife and I could see that she was feeling both very relieved that she could be herself. But she also complained and said "I feel like I am poisoning a baby" but I knew that she wouldn't quit just because of that. My wife isn't like that.
I smoked with her occasionally. Almost all the time that she did. She had 2 smokes at work. 1 on each break. I tried a few types of cigarettes. Not really thinking that I wanted to smoke, but that I would give it a try and smoke because my wife smokes to relieve stress. Though she said she didn't really have a 'reason' no one really has a reason to smoke I guess. That's what she said anyway.
Gradually I started feeling dizzier and dizzier from smoking. The nicotine high was so strong that I could barely stand at times. I am also a fanatic cyclist. I have a $6000 sports bike and I really enjoy cycling. I felt like I definitely could not bike without falling over, or even drive a car for that matter. Let alone even stand for about 5 - 10 minutes after smoking. Sometimes the nicotine high was very strong, other times it was mild and almost 'nice'. It was the last cigarette I had about 6 months ago that made me quit smoking.
I had just had a coffee, a very strong blended one. Then I had a smoke afterwards on an empty stomach. After about the 5th puff my legs gave way. It was the most embarrassing thing ever. My wife looked at me and she went white I tried to stand up and instantly my hand went out for something to hold I put my hand through a window on the balcony. I burst into tears and she tried to pull the cigarette out of my hand. She burned herself and started crying. I sat on the floor in tears for about 25 minutes. My wife who well.. I am not sure if she is 'used' to smoking. It's all so new to me, I wouldn't consider her an 'addicted smoker' but I guess anyone who 'won't quit' is addicted right? She went to get me a glass of water. I just remember the smell, it was all through my lungs. I had smoked the entire cigarette and I knew that I'd got basically 100% of what was going to make me feel like trash for however-long it would be. I lay down on the couch for about an hour. Then my wife had to go to work crying because she felt like she was killing me. I swore at that moment I would stop drinking coffee. It made my heart beat too fast. Add that with the fact I hadn't eaten, and I am also underweight. It was just too much for me. I threw up about an hour after she left and I cried myself to sleep wishing again that I could just die.
My wife came back from work. We talked about it briefly but I could see she felt so guilty so I ended the conversation and said to her that she can keep smoking. That I want her to be herself.
The last 6 months have been very hard. I was not yet addicted I don't think. At least I didn't feel like it. Thoughts of smoking have been in my mind the last 6 months but I think that is just part of me being a slightly paranoid, anxious person. Not because I am 'missing' cigarettes. Just because it is one of those demons in life that has a negative affect on a persons life.
I feel sad every time that my wife smokes, but she doesn't have that many cigarettes. I feel happy that I quit whilst I was ahead. I am sorry if this doesn't help anyone who is chronically addicted with smoking. I wasn't so I can't provide you any help with that. All I can say is that I am glad that nothing I have been 'addicted to' has been all that bad.
Pot was very easy to stop smoking. I just stopped, cold turkey. I was never addicted, so I just quit smoking that after I had a horrible experience.
Coffee, which I haven't really explained in this post. Because I have never been an 'avid' drinker of it. I just stopped because well, it's coffee. Instead I eat an apple or a banana and I feel much better after doing that.
Cigarettes was more of a 'mind thing' not so much an addiction. I smoked to see if it would help me relax like my wife said it would, and also to be able to 'connect' with her. I would die for her in an instant. I love my wife more than anything. So I tried being a smoker so we would have another thing in common and so she would feel less stressed. But I realised afterwards that I didn't need to smoke too, to be on the same wave-length as my wife. I just needed to accept that, that is the way she is. After I did that I realised I could keep my healthy body and my wife happy.
It took some of the most gigantic fights of my life with my wife. Her on the floor in tears vomiting begging me to hug her. And me hanging from my balcony railing by my hands wanting to kill myself. To realise that this was indeed another thing that just had to go. It was really hard. Really, really hard to stop. To just suppress the urges that makes us human. Instead I redirected all of that affection to my wife, some of it was met with positivism and other times it was met with reality. I just had to deal with it. It was extremely difficult to not try and fill the gap with something else, like gaming or something and instead try and keep doing constructive things.
There are so many bloody things in life that we can get addicted to. When you truly quit something, you realise how dangerous the little things in life can be. I don't hate smokers now, I don't hate pot smokers, I don't hate coffee drinkers. I just let the world pass me by and I try my hardest to find my place in it. Which I know is beside my wife. I am not going to try and get her to stop smoking. I hope that one day she can put down the cigarettes like her mum has. She said that she feels like it is a 'stage' that she is going through that will eventually end. I don't really feel convinced.
But lets think about it guys and girls. If my wife being a smoker is all I have to deal with, for the rest of my life. Then my life is going to be pretty easy isn't it?
I drink a little. At parties but I think my body may have some condition because if I drink even 2 little cans of cider I feel pretty trashed. I know I could weigh 20kg more if I wanted to easily. But I'd like to weigh 10kg more. It could be just because I have such a clean system that all these things basically 'kick me in the face' when I take them.
I enjoy drinking at parties and sometimes at bars with my wife. But I will never smoke pot, cigarettes or drink coffee ever again. I realised after all this incidents that they are poisonous. Adding them all together is the same as drinking mentholated spirits or petrol. You'll mess yourself up.
I just wanted to post something, somewhere to tell someone what I have done. That no addiction, no matter how big or small it is. Is a nice thing to have. No matter what it is. I have fought so many things in my life, with the death of both my parents, being an only child and loving my wife more than I have ever loved anything on earth.
I don't believe in god. But I just want to say, god bless everyone on this forum. I hope that someone can find something helpful here, because that is all I wanted. That this post isn't too long and boring. I tried to be as honest as I could. I didn't want to drag on. I will leave the rest of you to your imagination now.
Addictions, no matter how big or how small are never a good thing. Too much of anything, really, in life is a bad thing. As long as you, deep down in your heart, try your hardest. You will always get there in the end. The sooner the better, but better late than never.
Last edited by mod85; 05-19-2012 at 10:03 AM.