First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
All,
This is my first post here. I've been browsing the forums and off for a few days and thought I'd finally start to post. This is such a great and supportive community and I hope I can use this resource to better myself. I'm really interesting in hearing from those who came from or have a similar experience as my own.
I am a single 27 year old male living in New York City. I come from a loving and supportive family and I'm gainfully employed and successful for someone my age. I'm a social drinker and occasional marijuana smoker but today I'm ready to admit to myself that I'm addicted to cocaine. I always justified my usage because it's limited to strictly weekend use but I cannot deny it anymore. I started using regularly about 3 years ago at this point. I use EVERY weekend - In the beginning limiting to one night (Friday or Saturday) and then eventually both nights. Now I'm finding myself using on Sunday days and this is what really is starting to scare me. Besides the mental and physical implications, my bank account is starting really take a blow. I'm spending close to $800 a month to support my addiction.
When I first started taking cocaine I loved it so much because it made me happy and social. It helped me open up and meet new people and make new connections in life. Now cocaine makes me anti-social, depressed, and sometimes physically sick. I'm ready to kick my addiction and now confident that I can. The reason being is because as of today I finally admitted to myself - I am an addict.
The following 4 users give hugs of support to: Telltale Joybird Lynn (05-29-2012), Phoenix (05-28-2012), volleyball2 (06-18-2012), Weez2012 (05-30-2012)
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
Hi, and welcome. Well you've made the first big step and the most important one. So, now the real work begins. Have you thought about how you want to go about quitting using? Is this something that you think you'll be able to do on your own or do you need to check out some rehab centers? There are several options for you to get the help and support you need.
You say you have a loving, supportive family...but I'm assuming you've not told them about your cocaine use...our addictions are not normally something we share with our loved ones. Can you go and talk to your parents about this and get their help and support with your decision to quit? The more people you have to support you in this decision the easier it will be.
If you can do this without isolation or feeling like your all alone in this problem, that's the best way to go.
I hope you'll find support and friends here on this board...there are many wonderful folks who have been where you are and can offer great advice.
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
Hi Kat - Thanks for your response!
My first step was admitting my problem and now I need to figure out the plan of attack.
I cannot attend a rehab center since I work a full-time job. I want to look into support groups but I'm not too sure where to start. I'll be honest though - I'm not ready to tell my family. I don't want to subject them to this just yet.
Also - It would be great to talk to someone from a similar experience because I'm wondering if there is any "remedies" or general tips for combating the urges and craves that come around once Friday rolls in.
I got a lot to learn I guess. Can't wait to talk more on these forums.
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
We don't see a ton of people detoxing from Cocaine, but detoxing from a drug addiction is pretty similiar no matter what drug your leaving behind. There are stickies and detox plans at the top of this board that give you tips on what to expect and things to have available to help get through the worst of it.
I can give you some general advice if you'd like. I've not detoxed from cocaine, just ultram and percs.
I totally understand about your folks, hopefully when you're ready they'll be there to help and support you.
Do you generally do okay during the week without the cocaine; not have withdrawal symptoms from not using?
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
I don't crave cocaine during the week at all. I think mostly because I work a very demanding job so I'm generally distracted from the thought of using. Also without my high-paying job I wouldn't be able to finance my addiction.
I have a weekend addiction which I believe may be heavier on the psychological side then the physical. I don't suffer physical withdrawals at all so I think getting my mind right is the best way to approach this situation.
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
Hithere Telltale! I could not agreee with you more! If I were in your position, I would tak advantage of the fact that I didn't have a physical addiction...YET. If you know, and it sounds like you do, that this is all psychological, I'd run with that. I'd find anything and everything I could to fill up my down times on the weekend. Of course this means changing the people you hang with on weekends, the places you would go, and the things that you would do to get it, or the things that you would do while high. This is usually the toughest part of an addiction. I speak from experience when I say that the physical withdrawals are horrific! And I, of all people, would never minimize that. However, everytime ive ever relapsed, I was always past the physical withdrawal and dealing with the mental part of it. The depression, the thinking about it constantly, obsessing about it and how i could get it, telling myself that ive been good for long enough, one wont hurt, etc... Keep on talking to Kat, she has wonderful advice and years of experience.
This is what i suggest and they are only suggestions. Try to remember what you did for fun before cocaine entered the picture. Plan on doing those things every weekend til you feel safe enough to just chill and do nothing. This might take a while. Read, go for walks, work out, art classes, flash mobs (hahaha), whatever you can do to occupy your time. Because its going to seem like you have an awful lot of it. You said you spent $800 a month on your drug. Then it should be no problem spending 20-50 a weekend on leisure activities. Movies, restaurants, or whatever you feel like. You are in New York freaking City, there should be tons of things for you to do. Any time ive ever been there, we didnt have enough time in a day to do all the things that we wanted to do.
Go to an NA meeting. And get a sponsor. The people that attend these meetings know what you are going through because they have been there and are still there. You don't have to worry about being judged for being an addict. You don't even have to talk riht away. Just listen, take what you need, and leave the rest there. You aren't going to agree with everyone, and you aren't going to like everyone. But that's the great part about it, that doesn't matter. Because you are all there for one common purpose. To get clean and stay clean.
I hope ive helped in some small way. If I think of anything else I'll post it. Keep your chin up. You are doing the right thing. I believe in you and your ability to do this. If you need anything just ask. We are all here to support each other!
Oh, one more thing, if you do get an urge and cant find someone to talk to. Come on here and post it out. Get every thought in your head out. I guarantee you'll feel better. I've done it. I felt like i was rambling on and on, but it helped soooooo..... best of luck to you!!!!!
Keep me updated, I'd def like to hear how you are managing. I'm on these boards several times a day because I am a stay at home mom. Hope to read from you soon!
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Tysmom1 For This Useful Post: Phoenix (09-28-2012)
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
Thank you Kelly. What a wonderful and supportive message. Posting here already has definitely made me much more optimistic.
While health & living addiction free is my ultimately my number one goal - I'm really putting a heavy mental focus on the monetary repercussions of my addiction to ultimately discourage my use.
I believe in the past 3 years of steady usage I've spent close to 30k on cocaine. I've still always paid my bills on time, kept myself well-fed, put money in savings, etc. but imagine if I lived 3 years sober from this point forward.. The possibilities are endless. Maybe I could use that money to put a down payment on a house? Just the thought of that makes want to quit so bad.
I'm sure I will be posting here soon once the weekend rolls around again. Thanks again everyone.
The Following User Says Thank You to Telltale For This Useful Post: Phoenix (09-28-2012)
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
Kelly has some great ideas for you. Deal with the psychological addiction now when it will be the hardest and face any physical issues when and where they crop up.
Keep those weekends filled up with positive things. Being around your family could be a great help. And definitely lose contact with any of your 'old habit' friends, get rid of their phone numbers and contact info., anything you'd be tempted to use to get in touch with them.
Volunteering is also a great way to spend your free time, helping others and giving back can be very cathartic when your trying very hard to get over a very "selfish" activity such as drug addiction.
$30,000....the numbers do get mindblowing.....yes, you'll be able to do a lot with that extra cash.
Take care and let us know how your doing.
kat
The Following User Says Thank You to katlin09 For This Useful Post: Phoenix (09-28-2012)
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
Hell Telltale,
The psychology of addiction is progressive in its' nature.
One day becomes two and a weekend can eventually spill into the week.
There's no specific timetable on it.
I suppose what i'm trying to say is never say never.
Once I finally decided to rid myself of this drug,I adopted a strict approach towards it:zero tolerance.
If you're committed to the cause(as I feel you are) then you should be prepared to make life-changing decisions.
You can do it.
With effort on your behalf and a continuous stream of support,you're well on your way to a more fulfilling lifestyle.
Respectfully
Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.
Last edited by Phoenix; 05-29-2012 at 07:54 PM.
The Following User Says Thank You to Phoenix For This Useful Post: Pacifier (08-26-2012)
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
Thanks Phoenix.
I agree on the zero tolerance part. I never tried to fully quit before because I always justified my usage. I tried to cut back once but it always became an issue of "Oh, I'll just use on holidays, at friend's parties, special occasions, etc." We all know that doesn't work and somehow every weekend became a "special occasion".
Last night I confided in my roommate about my addiction. This is the first person I've ever opened up to about this. He was surprised since he didn't really know the extent of my usage. He was very supportive and vowed to keep the household drug-free (even though it was me who brought that stuff in). Talking to a friend about this has definitely lifted a giant weight off my shoulders.
Thanks everyone. I'll keep you updated as the week progresses.
The Following User Says Thank You to Telltale For This Useful Post: Phoenix (09-28-2012)
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
Telltale, that is terrific news! I know how hard it is the first time you tell anyone about your addiction. Good for you for having the courage it took to do that! This is also the first step in building supports around you. The more people you can confide in, the better. Thats why i suggested NA to you. There, everyone knows what you're going through. Not everyone is going to be as understanding as your roommate. I'm not trying to discourage you in any way, shape or form. Just be selective in the beginning. You don't want too much negativity in your life right now and some people can be down right negative when you tell them that you are in recovery. I don't know why. Its just the way that it is. People tend to fear what they don't understand. And most people who aren't addicts, just don't understand. We arent bad people, we just made a bad decision when we started using. Congratulations to you for making the best decision in your life...to stop using! Until next time....
The Following User Says Thank You to Tysmom1 For This Useful Post: Phoenix (09-28-2012)
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
Quote:
Originally Posted by Telltale
Thanks Phoenix.
I agree on the zero tolerance part. I never tried to fully quit before because I always justified my usage. I tried to cut back once but it always became an issue of "Oh, I'll just use on holidays, at friend's parties, special occasions, etc." We all know that doesn't work and somehow every weekend became a "special occasion".
Last night I confided in my roommate about my addiction. This is the first person I've ever opened up to about this. He was surprised since he didn't really know the extent of my usage. He was very supportive and vowed to keep the household drug-free (even though it was me who brought that stuff in). Talking to a friend about this has definitely lifted a giant weight off my shoulders.
Thanks everyone. I'll keep you updated as the week progresses.
You're welcome Telltale.
Towards the end of my usage,I noticed that the drug didn't quite have the same effect on me.
I was then met with this question:"had the drugs changed or is it me beginning to?"
The long and short was that I indeed was changing;for the better.
Twelve years have transpired since finally putting it down and distancing myself from this insidious substance.
I'm glad that your roommate was supportive and that a burden was relieved.Life burdens us with enough from day-to-day.
Yes,please keep us updated.
Wishing you the best,
Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.
The Following User Says Thank You to Phoenix For This Useful Post: Pacifier (08-26-2012)
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
Very happy to report that this was officially a cocaine-free weekend! The first in years!
Feeling great this morning. I can't remember the last waking up for work on a Monday and having this much energy and optimism (even for a rainy NYC morning). I know it's going to be a long road to travel but I feel like I'm definitely on the right direction now. All your words have been such a help. Thank you to everyone in this thread.
The Following User Says Thank You to Telltale For This Useful Post: Phoenix (09-28-2012)
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phoenix
Towards the end of my usage,I noticed that the drug didn't quite have the same effect on me.
I was then met with this question:"had the drugs changed or is it me beginning to?"
The long and short was that I indeed was changing;for the better.
This REALLY hits the nail on the head! Thank you for sharing Phoenix.
The Following User Says Thank You to Telltale For This Useful Post: Phoenix (09-28-2012)
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
Quote:
Originally Posted by Telltale
This REALLY hits the nail on the head! Thank you for sharing Phoenix.
You're welcome Telltale.
I had to become honest with myself and my motives for using.
You may have heard the saying: "being sick and tired of being sick and tired."
Well, I was way past tired;to the point I wouldn't feel sick but disgusted and I began to associate this feeling with my former drug of choice.
Now here goes a "marianis trench" deep truism:
I had to stop using drugs because the drugs began using me.I had no dignity or respect for myself and began to justify all my negative behaviors;just for more.More of a substance that a dealer would give me,that I must've trusted more than The Lord Himself at the time.I was beginning to lose not only my religion but my soul as well.
Realistically
Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.
Last edited by Phoenix; 06-05-2012 at 12:13 PM.
The Following User Says Thank You to Phoenix For This Useful Post: Pacifier (08-26-2012)
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
Well its Monday and I can report another cocaine-free weekend. Two down, many more to go.
This weekend was a little less joyful however then the last. I felt a little down in the dumps as now I've been thinking a lot about the effects of my addiction. About three months, I broke off a 2 year relationship. In the moment I convinced myself it was because I wanted more time to myself and to be independent. I'm starting to realize that I tricked myself into thinking that and being "independent" translated more into doing drugs judgement-free. She always knew I used but thought of it more as a recreationally thing. I hid it from her 90% of the times and I think in the end this destroyed our relationship.
Has anyone else experience these waves of depression post-usage?
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
More times than I can count!!! What I noticed about myself is that I isolated and broke off relationships in order to have more time for my drug. After all, it was always there for me, never judged me, and til the end, I thought I didn't need more than that.
All of these feelings are totally normal, and in time, they will dissipate. They won't go away completely. However, we learn in time to accept our past. We will not regret it not wish to shut the door on it. It is a part of who we are and how else would we learn lessons.
I think it's great that you posted these feelings instead of just using, as it's always the easier choice in early sobriety. Keep your head up!!
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
Quote:
Originally Posted by Telltale
About three months, I broke off a 2 year relationship. In the moment I convinced myself it was because I wanted more time to myself and to be independent. I'm starting to realize that I tricked myself into thinking that and being "independent" translated more into doing drugs judgement-free. She always knew I used but thought of it more as a recreationally thing. I hid it from her 90% of the times and I think in the end this destroyed our relationship.
Hello Telltale,
Now you're beginning to face that "man in the mirror" so to speak.
Try not to be too hard on yourself though.
Mistakes may have been made but bridges that haven't been completely burnt down are still passable.
Our drug use not only affects us but also those close and dear.
You may have thought that you hid the usage 90% of the time but you'd be surprised what she may have known but didn't divulge,in an effort not to ruffle any feathers.
You're on your way via the road less traveled.
Proceed with caution and steer clear of those bumps in the road.
Respectfully
Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.
Last edited by Phoenix; 06-11-2012 at 08:34 AM.
The Following User Says Thank You to Phoenix For This Useful Post: Pacifier (08-26-2012)
Re: First Post: Coming to terms with my cocaine addiction
Phoenix, I couldn,t agree more about affecting people close to us not to mention coworkers, bosses etc.. I agree people don,t want to ruffle feathers, **** you off thinking your really gonna go off deep end. Its surprising how many people really exspect or know that doing drugs.
