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Old 06-07-2012, 11:40 AM   #1
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From Living With, To Leaving Without

I'm leaving him. Or I should say, I'm leaving without him. But I'm not just leaving without him, I'm leaving without me.
I'm leaving without the me that he created. The me that would endure such misery and shame. The me that would tolerate manipulation and lies. The me that would be hurt time and time again. The me that was created in order to enable his addiction. The me that has hit my own rock bottom and now trying to find the surface again.

I guess I helped to create this person that I am today. I allowed myself to become the victim of his self-destruction. His demon became mine. While he would escape to his own world because he couldn't handle the dealings of life, I was left to cover it all up and pick up all the pieces. While he could use his past as an excuse and his inability to handle the stresses of the day to turn to his addiction, he left me with having to handle it all. I am leaving without him because if we stay together he would continue to lock himself up in a room, high out of his mind, in his own little drug induced world while my world crashed down around me.
I had to face it all head on while he chose to escape.

I'm leaving without him. I'm going to try and recapture what little is left of me. Try to get my self-esteem back. Try to get my dependancy back. Try to get back to the me that I once knew. He will never know what it is like to live with an addict. The emotions and turmoil. The feeling of watching the one you love slowly kill himself. The feeling of being unwanted and in the way. The feeling of being alone while he is getting high, fixated on his own fantasies. The feeling of never being good enough or that I could never be better than his addiction. He will never understand the longing I have felt to talk to someone but having no one to talk to because I have sheltered this life from the world. He will never understand the amount of times I cry in a day as I held on to what little was left of our relationship. He will never understand the amount of times I've prayed for him to have strength. He will never understand that the past three years replays in my mind every single day and carves my dreams at night. He will never understand the resentment that I feel toward him and this love and hate for what appears to be the same person but in two worlds. He will never understand what it feels like to have an undying love for an addict. He will never understand what I still have left to go through even when all is said and done.

I'm leaving without me. The co-dependant. The enabler. The victim. I no longer want to be the detective and sift through all the lies. Never knowing what I would come home to or who I would come home to. He was many facets of a being. I am not only leaving without the addict, but I am leaving without my best friend, my lover, my future. I am leaving without the dream of what might have been if drugs weren't in the picture. If his addictions didn't take over. But that is just what it was. A dream. It was never to become reality. Addiction stole that from me. It stole that from us.

It's a decision that I had to make for me. For 3 years I was last on the list. But it's time I make a new list. A list where I am first. A new me. It's hard to leave without him. It was just as hard to live with him. But without him, at least I know things will turn around and get better. Living with him was always a gamble.

He didn't use today. He said he was going to use today, but he didn't - not today. He was going to use last night, but didn't. Not because he chose not to, but because he couldn't get in touch with his dealer to supply this disgusting habit. I already accepted that he would use today. If not today, then tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then...... He will use again. But this time I'm not waiting around to find out if or when. I'm not waiting around to look for the clues. To put everything together and say "a-ha, I knew it". Because I was hoping this time I would be wrong. But I never am.

I'm leaving without him today. I'm not going to congratulate him on staying sober today, when I know without a doubt that he didn't choose to be sober today. Just like he didn't choose to be sober last night. I have become good at this detective work. I know all the clues, all the stories, all the lies, all the information and lack of it and what it really means. I know what each look is, what each action is and what every word implies. I know because I have endured more than I wanted to. I know because for my sanity, I needed to know.

I'm leaving for me. I chose to leave months ago for him. Because I felt I was enabling him and I may be holding him down from getting real help. I wrote a letter to him. He read it while he was coming down from his high, and the letter went astray and never to be discussed. But I didn't leave then. The next day things always seem like they are going to get better. They never do. They never will. Unless I leave for me. I can't wait around with my hopless hopeful feelings. Maybe if I give it one more day. Hoping that when I say things have to change that he will change. Setting myself up for a fall. I am not waiting around to walk on egg shells so not to stir things up with the hope that if everything remains unsettled that maybe he will not want to use. I don't have control over that. I don't have control over what sparks his addiction. I'm not waiting around to watch him go to any length to feed his addiction, and watch a grown man cry after he comes down from his high because he is overdrawn with guilt - for that moment. While I sit there and believe yet another fabric of his lies. While I am tangled inside of a web that he is weaving just so he could let me down because I believed him- again. Because I believed that this time he wants help. Yet I watch the little note that I wrote the contact numbers of detox and withdrawal centres get used as a coaster for his beer bottle. I can no longer sit and watch as he struggles with his alcoholism and drug addiction and his wantings to get high to fulfill his other addictions, and as I try to support him and talk to him, instead of calling the 24 hour help line listed on his "coaster", he calls his dealer. And blames me because I pushed him that far.

I am going to try and find me, though I don't know who I am if I am not trying to save him. I don't know who I have become, and what I still have to offer. But I know that the destruction of this person has come to an end.

Yet as I sit here I allow myself to feel sorry for him. Because many times I said I would leave and too many times to count he said he would. But we stayed together because that's what we did. And that enabled him too. Because if he doesn't have to deal with the effects of what his addiction was destroying, then he could continue his addiction. Because I would worry about what would happen to him if I wasn't around and how much more destructive he would be if I left. Where would he go? What would he end up being? Will anyone ever contact me if and when something would happen to him? So I held on. But I feel sorry because he may believe that life as he has known it was just going to continue. That I would just "snap out of it" and give it one more go. But not this time. This time I can't. This time I throw my hands up because I've tried and I've tried and I gave in and I sold out. I feel sad because he will come home from work tonight expecting me to be as I have been, accepting and willing and tolerant. He will come home to a place that will never be the same, to a person he will never know again. I feel sad because I will be alone and find constructive ways to deal with it, and he will be alone and fall further into addiction.

And I continue to write this as the phone rings and he tells me that he is getting help today. And that he knows I will be behind him all the way. But I won't. Not in the way that we had always planned. I have always gone back on my decisions but this time I can't. I don't know that he will follow through. I don't know that it will work. And I'm scared and done with the I don't knows. All I know is that he is an addict. And I know that if he is going to get help, then he will have this need to "use just one last time." And I don't want to hope anymore. I don't want to feel betrayed when he relapses again. I can't. I feel it's too late. I will support him through different means, but I can't be his primary support. We've gone past that point.

If love could cure, he wouldn't be an addict today.He would have been cured the week after I met him.

 
The following 5 users give hugs of support to: dejavu2012
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Old 06-07-2012, 01:29 PM   #2
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Re: From Living With, To Leaving Without

very poetic and very powerful words.....
your strength comes thru......stay strong
the hardest part is behind you.....the decision is made
best of luck to you

 
Old 06-07-2012, 02:08 PM   #3
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Re: From Living With, To Leaving Without

Quote:
Originally Posted by dejavu2012 View Post
I am going to try and find me, though I don't know who I am if I am not trying to save him. I don't know who I have become, and what I still have to offer. But I know that the destruction of this person has come to an end.
Hello and welcome dejavu2012.

You pretty much said it all and it appears that you know which direction you have to go in;for you.

Finding yourself;well,you were never really lost;just distracted with false senses and hopes of security.

There will be much for you to offer and in time you'll begin to see it more clearly,as the smoke clears(pardon the pun).

Keep on moving;forward and only look back in order to put things in its' proper perspective.

Well put,well said,well done.

With respectful intent
Phoenix
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When in doubt, post it out.

Last edited by Phoenix; 06-07-2012 at 02:09 PM.

 
Old 06-07-2012, 06:25 PM   #4
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Re: From Living With, To Leaving Without

I am so sorry for what you've had to endure, for what you've been through, been put through, for all that you've lost.....You're doing the absolute right thing.

You can't fix him, you didn't break him. His addiction is in no way your fault, no aspect of it ever was or will be. Addicts like to blame and play mindgames, it's so much easier than admitting the truth. The truth being that they are weak, destructive, manipulative, selfish people who think only of themselves and their addictions and have little or no concerns of what that does to those who love them.

You are a strong, intelligent, caring, independent person. You are doing the right thing. You deserve to have your life free of his addictions, fears and broken empty promises.

You will survive this. You will make it past the pain and you will find your life on the other side, the one you lost through the haze of his addiction...it's still there, your still you, a little wiser, a bit more jaded, but still you.

I'm so sorry for your loss....but You have done the absolute right thing, so that you can survive.

May you find peace, solace, happiness and comfort in your future,

Kat

 
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