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Old 06-12-2012, 02:44 PM   #1
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Changing old behaviors

OK, everyone pretty much knows my deal and what's been going on. I've been on suboxone for 3 weeks now, and aside from them being stolen from me, by my neighbor, and a few minor side effects the first few days... they have been a huge asset to my recovery.

While the suboxone completely takes away my craving for any pain killers, I still find myself feeling the urge to take more suboxone than I should. I don't take more than prescribed, and I never will. I just notice that throughout the day, I get this overwhelming feeling that I should be "dosing" myself.

When this feeling hits me, I have no withdrawal symptoms what-so-ever. So the medication isn't wearing off. I know this. And it isn't a craving to get high. Just an urgency to take some pills! (shaking my head)

When I am completely honest with myself, I come to the conclusion that this must come from years of taking handfulls of pills at multiple times throughout the day. This is merely a habit and behavior that I HAVE to change. There is no gray area on this. I broke down and cried today when this overwhelming feeling of needing to take a dose of anything, for the third time, hit me.

I have never abused any otc drugs like tylenol, advil, immodium, benadryl, or even cough syrup!!! Suboxone doesn't feel any different than any of those medications to me so why I still feel this way, has to be because it's the way I've behaved for so long!!!!!

I don't know if this has been such a big deal to anyone else or not while on suboxone, methadone, or even a 12 step program. I don't care what you're means of recovery are. When you're cravings are gone, and I mean completely gone, did anyone still feel like dosing out of habit and not necessity?

Thanks for the responses!

 
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Old 06-14-2012, 02:59 AM   #2
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Re: Changing old behaviors

I guess I am absolutely the only person on this board who has ever experienced this before!!! WOW! I am special! Thanks for reading my post anyway even if ya couldn't help, I'll wander around the internet for other people who have been through what I'm going through...

 
Old 06-14-2012, 11:00 PM   #3
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Re: Changing old behaviors

Actually I have been in your shoes before, sort of. I am a chronic pain patient (have been since I was 19, am 26 now) and at first used Vicodin ES to control my pain at its worst while using OTC meds and a daily script for Soma 350 mg TID (x3 daily). Once I neared the point of needing the Vicodin ES nearly all the time to stay out of pain, I went to a psychiatrist because I was so depressed being in such pain so young. The psych had me referred to a PM (pain management doc) to see if he thought it would be appropriate for my psych to treat my chronic pain with Suboxone (it is a narcotic after all). He approved, and so I started on Suboxone 2/0.5 mg twice a day and eventually ended up at Suboxone 8/2 mg up to 3 times daily as needed. While the Suboxone eliminated the pain, force of habit (and in my case in all honesty the drive to get a little "boost") had me wanting to dose often. I remedied this by splitting the 8/2 mg tabs in half, and instead of taking 1 tab 3 times daily, I took a half up to 6 times daily. After a few months I just naturally settled in to taking it only when I felt my pain return.

Coincidentally, after stopping the Suboxone after about 2 years due to severe nausea / vomiting it started producing, I went to Norco (hydrocodone/APAP 10/325) two tabs up to 6 times daily for several years until just recently seeing the PM I had seen years ago. I was sick of having to dose so often, and wanted long acting meds, so when given the choice of MS Contin (morphine extended release) or BuTrans (a transdermal patch which release buprenorphine, the active ingredient of Suboxone) I elected for the buprenorphine patch since it lasts 7 days and buprenorphine helped my pain so much previously. After going on the patch, I have had (and still do to a degree) the urge to dose myself with a painkiller out of complete muscle memory. All I do then is touch my patch (on my shoulder), and it satisfies the psychological urge to make that movement bringing my hand up as if I were taking pills. Best of luck and don't feel alone!
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Old 06-15-2012, 02:32 AM   #4
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Re: Changing old behaviors

Hi Kelly, Your not alone. Really felt that way the first month or so when I was on the subs. Still do quite a bit. It seems ya kinda answered your own question"why do I feel this way, because its the way I behaved for so long". You and me and a lot of other people on here are probably gonna feel like that for the rest of our life. But Kelly, not all the time. And I believe with time it will just be ocasionally. At least I hope so.. I get strong urges around lunchtime because that was when I could get away from rest of crew and do my thing. About 3-4 weeks in or what I mean is around end of first month on subs I took 2 weeks off for vacation. We don,t get to pick vacation times, we take them when were not busy. Anyways when I,d get feeling restless or feeling like I outta be getting high I would walk around the block. Seriously Kelly I know it sounds kind of dumb but just 15 minutes walking made me settle down and feel better. I don,t know if this would be something you would want to try but if you did I bet you,d be surprised. And PLEASE don,t take more suboxone then needed. I know you havn,t but it is available and that was a BIG temptasion for me even though I knew it would,nt even give me a buzz. All part of the habit thing I quess. Hey, I been dieing to tell someone this. We did a job day before yesterday that was 3hr drive away. Boss wanted to finish so we worked to about 11pm. Turned on fld. lights to see. There are 2 young guys early 20,s that have been with us for couple yrs. Both love to smoke pot and eat pain pills. One of them goes to a pain management place. He says he,s got something wrong with his back. You,d never know it. Boss got us motel rms for rest of night. Guess who I get stuck with. Both of them. They rolled in a cot for one of them. They sat up all night smoking and eating pills. Kelly, the irony of the whole situation struck me so funny being stuck in room with these two knuckleheads that I just started laughing. Even if I told them to knock it off they wouldn,t. I,ve gotten high plenty of times in past with them. One odd note to this whole thing was that I didn,t even get an urge to join them. I,ll get urges when theres none around sometimes. This whole staying straight thing is gonna be a very strange ride. But I think it,ll be a good one for both of us and anyone else onboard.

 
Old 06-15-2012, 03:28 AM   #5
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Re: Changing old behaviors

Recombinant,

Thanks so much for your reply. You seem like you've had to start off with this stuff really early. And like you, I have found the subs are a great solution to my pain also. I just could not take pain meds as prescribed as you can. I think that breaking the 8mg tabs in half and dosing four times a day instead of twice a day might also work for me. I do have to discuss with my doc first because, since I'm an addict, this might just be something I need to work through and change. But, GREAT idea~!

Wow I can't believe how young you were when you got started on all this. I'm glad to hear you are finding solutions and able to get some quality of life. I read some early posts from you and your blog just to get a little background and you seem to be a very bright young man. I hope everything works out well for you and that you are able to keep your pain and the depression that inevitably accompanied it, at bay....or at least tolerable.

BOLTER!!!! OH MY GOD! And Kudos to you man! I am so proud of you for being able to laugh at the situation, given the irony, and just leave it alone!! That is such a huge accomlishment for us addicts. I can honestly say that I don't want anything to do with any painkillers or any other pills really, for the first time in 5 and a half years. My sister and I had a very busy day yesterday and at one point we got to talking about the subs and how its going, blah blah blah. Well that conversation turned into the old days and her remembering how bad I was, and I was actually starting to feel nauseous at the thought of taking painkillers!! I'm so relieved that they are making me sick when I think of them instead of making me yearn.

I think the walk is a great idea bolter! I actually am very athletic and love physical activity of any kind fo rthe most part. So walking, running, are all things I love to do. Plus the kiddo gets a ride in the stroller, I don't need a sitter to do that. Good idea. I've just been trying to clean or watch tv or mess with the iPhone. I think a walk just might be the ticket! I'll let ya know. I'll be taking one the next ime an urge hits!!

I also noticed yesterday that when I had an incredibly busy day, I didn't even think about it. Til i got home. By that time, it was time to give the munchkin a bath, and put him to bed, I cut and colored my sisters hair, and it was so late then, I crashed. So keeping busy and preoccupied I think, are very key early in recovery for me.

Thanks so much for your replies guys....It's nice to not feel alone.

Last edited by Tysmom1; 06-15-2012 at 03:36 AM.

 
Old 06-15-2012, 10:12 PM   #6
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Re: Changing old behaviors

Kelly,

Patience my friend, it's not always that others have not been in your shoes...but sometimes bringing up those thoghts/memories can be difficult. So just because you don't get a post quickly it doens't mean there isn't someone out there who will come to you and share their story.

On this board especially I've learned that it can take a little time for folks to "gird their loins" and prepare for the mental/emotional onslought that recounting old tales can create.

Hang in there my friend, this to shall past.

Kathryn

 
Old 06-17-2012, 02:16 PM   #7
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Re: Changing old behaviors

Who's taking more than they should? Not me. I said that in the post. I'm speaking only of urges and cravings which, I thought, was different than acting on them. I was looking for advice and experiences about that. Geez, thank god for the Internet!

 
Old 06-17-2012, 03:11 PM   #8
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Re: Changing old behaviors

Hi Kelly, Just wanted to say I was thinking of you today. I hope all is well.

 
Old 06-17-2012, 03:43 PM   #9
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Re: Changing old behaviors

Hi kelly, I said what I had to say the other day about what you asked. I,ve been rereading and also I,m in some very strange mood today so I mean this kind of jokenly... at least your not makings zillion phone calls and driving around all hrs. of the night in strange places.. Like I said, strange mood. sorry but you strike me as someone with sence of humor. I really need to get a life haha. later.

 
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Old 06-18-2012, 02:51 AM   #10
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Re: Changing old behaviors

I know right?!?! How much worse this could actually be tends to slip my mind in those momens, bolter! But thanks for the laugh! I needed it! So glad to read that you are doing so well.

I tried you're idea about taking a walk, and let me tell you thankyou, because it helps. I was telling someone else that it all boils dowwn to me staying occupied. It lasts about 10-15 minutes so i should be able to stay occupied for 15 min.

Oh, and I definitely have a sense of humor! Just not during those 10-15 minutes! ha! Have a great day!

 
Old 06-18-2012, 04:56 AM   #11
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Re: Changing old behaviors

Quote:
Originally Posted by bolter View Post
I,m in some very strange mood today so I mean this kind of jokenly... at least your not makings zillion phone calls and driving around all hrs. of the night in strange places.. Like I said, strange mood. sorry but you strike me as someone with sence of humor. I really need to get a life haha. later.
Hello Kelly,bolter and Kathryn.

Man walks into an addiction clinic and says that he needs help with.....before he has a chance to get another word in otherwise,he is interrupted by the doctor's assistant,who tells him to take a number and please be seated.
He chose not only one number but proceeded to take three.
After sitting,he takes a look at the numbers,which are 76 and 77 respectively...they were attending to #2.

He is besides himself because he's not only impatient by nature but is beginning to feel the onset of withdrawals.
He remembers that he had a numbered ticket from his last appointment and proceeds to his car.
Upon rustling through the empty bottles of liquor,he locates the number and it's 5.
So he locks the vehicle and returns to the waiting area.
They finally call the number and not one but three individuals appear in front of the receptionist.
Upon taking their tickets,she calmly says into the microphone:"number six."
Two of the three patients begin carrying on in such an inappropriate matter,they were asked to leave.
This left but one person;the individual with the ticket in his car.
He breathes a sigh of relief and proceeds to the front desk and is treated as if he were invisible.
Finally,he speaks up to say:"well,that was something;I guess justice prevails after all."

The receptionist,upon hearing this,pulls the patient to the side and says calmly:"I know you found the ticket in the car you drove in and if you want to be seen,you'll have to pick another number and wait like everyone else."

He left the facility and headed back to his vehicle.Before pulling off,he notices yet another ticket on the floor.This time it's number ten.

He enters back into the office,with the ticket visibly in his hand and heads to the front desk.

The receptionist,upon seeing his return,asks what is he trying to accomplish.

His response was:"my dear,I am doing nothing out of the ordinary;I simply have a number from a previous visit and am waiting my turn to see the good doctor."
The medical assistant refuses to honor his ticket,so he once again leaves.
A few minutes pass and there he is,with yet another ticket in hand.

The receptionist can't believe her eyes and asks him what he is doing.

He responds:"My dear,we all have roles;yours is to assist the doctor and the doctor's to treat their patients."

She interrupts him and says:"so what's your role?"

His reply:"I am playing the role of an addict and at this time i'm acting out the concept of insanity.How am I doing?"
-----------------------
Life is hard enough.A little smile every now and then doesn't seem to hurt.

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Old 06-18-2012, 09:06 AM   #12
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Re: Changing old behaviors

You have no idea how bad I needed that right now. Or maybe you did, who knows, either way, Thanks!!! That was funny!

So, I am about to go to my addictions counseling appointment and I gotta say, it couldn't have come at a better time. I'm just dealing with all of these emotions that have been numb for so long and I feel like I'm gonna burst if I dont' get them out! I have so many questions for him, i'm afraid he might quit his job... HAHAHAHAHA

Anyway, I'll update when I get back. Thanks everyone for the support!

 
Old 06-18-2012, 10:40 AM   #13
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Re: Changing old behaviors

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tysmom1 View Post
You have no idea how bad I needed that right now. Or maybe you did, who knows, either way, Thanks!!! That was funny!

So, I am about to go to my addictions counseling appointment and I gotta say, it couldn't have come at a better time. I'm just dealing with all of these emotions that have been numb for so long and I feel like I'm gonna burst if I dont' get them out! I have so many questions for him, i'm afraid he might quit his job... HAHAHAHAHA

Anyway, I'll update when I get back. Thanks everyone for the support!
Hello Kelly,

Truth be told,I just made it up as I was typing.I just envisioned a scenario and went with it.
Good luck with your counseling appointment.

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Old 06-18-2012, 12:57 PM   #14
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Re: Changing old behaviors

Wow Phoenix - quite the impressive work there! Had me laughing, especially picking up on it halfway through - such classic drug seeking and aberrant drug behavior.

Glad to hear you'll have the chance to talk to a professional today Kelly - I've found it helps immensely just being able to voice any concerns and challenges to someone, especially those who understand and/or have professional expertise in the area. As if there's not enough irony in my life, I began to have a pretty strong drive again (stronger than able to alleviate by touching my TDS) to dose with analgesics just yesterday after contemplating the thread (power of suggestion, eh?). Hopefully all goes well at your appointment, we'd love to hear how it's going. And as always - best wishes and regards!

Rec
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Old 06-19-2012, 06:22 AM   #15
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Re: Changing old behaviors

I feel like I am going to explode if I don't get this out to someone. Sorry if this isn't the right place but I need help dealing with this.

I lost custody of my two beautiful daughters in the peak of my addiction. My parents took the dad to court and got grandparents visitation. Basically because he is a vindictive snake in the grass and wouldn't even let them see my family. We are a thousand miles away from them and it kills me. I have not sen them in 4 years. He won't allow it. /the court order says it's all up to him when I can and can't see them. So, anyway my parents are on vacation this week with them. I was ok with it and really excited too. I spent $500 on clothes for them and sent it with them. These girls are so brainwashed by this piece of trash. They have no idea how much I love and miss them every single day. I'm not ok today. I'm crying and anxious, and I knew this was something that I would have to deal with clean, i just didn't know when. I see my therapist again Friday. But til then I don't know who to talk to. The person I talk to the most is with them. (my sister). The whole reason my parents went to court was to keep that link between me and the girls so that when they are 18, they know where to go to find me. I just want my crap together so that when they come looking, they find a healthy, clean mother who is ready to deal with it all. They must be so confused as to where the hell I am! I was there every single day for 10 years, and then BAM, wheres mommy? What the hel have i done to those poor little girls????? please help me.... i cant stop crying and shaking...
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