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Old 06-23-2012, 12:43 AM   #1
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Someday... :(

Hi all... I haven't posted on a few months. Just been busy not being busy.
Someday I will get tired of running through my 180 (legally prescribed for migraines etc) 15mg Roxys in 2.5 weeks (then w/d and sobriety).... It's emotionally exhausting.

On a good note, I've started hiking, swimming and working out 4-5 times a week ( I guess having an anxiety disorder will give u the energy to fight through all those pills) recently.... so maybe my mind will catch up with my body.
What to do when your addicted to your meds. Of course, i know... talk to your doctor. I know I don't "need" 180 a month. Although the pain issues I have are quite real and hard to manage. Sometimes I'll take 8 or 10 pills, especially when I first get them. Sometimes I'll snort them, probably cause although i rarely do coke, thankfully I font have connections where I live, but it's the devil with me and the action fulfills some sick thing.
I don't know why I'm being so honest. Maybe more in some ways than before on the board cause it's not just facts and oh I'm not that bad don't kick me off. I need this board. I need to read what I see here and connect to the people who believe in me here (there are a few)
Maybe cause I'm not on pills and am emotional and just wanna be honest to someone instead of always pretending.
Thank you for reading. I know this was long, and maybe hard to follow and prob riddled with iPhone spelling errors but if I go back to correct, I know I'll feel self conscious and delete things.
Thank you... and thank you to this board for being a place for people like me.
Wendy
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Old 06-23-2012, 04:23 AM   #2
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Re: Someday...:(

Hi Wendy! Hiking, swimming, and working out are all great things to help with anxiety. When mine kicks in,the best thing for me to do, is move. Doesn't matter what I do, as long as I'm moving. When you are ready to be clean, these activities are going to help you more than you can even imagine. If I would have started moving sooner than I did, my early withdrawal would have been MUCH easier.

Try to stay positive, keep your head up! We are here for you. Keep posting and let me know how you are!

 
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Old 06-23-2012, 08:34 AM   #3
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Re: Someday... :(

Hello Wendy

I appreciate honesty any time of the day.

We've gotten to know each other a bit over time and I know you are aware of the next step.

Regardless of your decision,know that you have a friend here that will treat you unconditionally.

I just want to see you living a better,more relaxed quality of living;you're worth it.

Respectfully
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Last edited by Phoenix; 06-24-2012 at 02:39 AM.

 
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Old 06-24-2012, 03:03 AM   #4
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Re: Someday... :(

Thanks all. I appreciate the support. I hope everyone is doing ok tonight.
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Old 06-24-2012, 09:46 PM   #5
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Re: Someday... :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wendy88 View Post
Thanks all. I appreciate the support. I hope everyone is doing ok tonight.
OK Wendy

Tonight is that day in which you will take some;hence your someday has come today(well tonight,if you want to be technical )

We seem like tennis enthusiasts at times.I serve you certain advice and you lob it right back to me.

Well missy,i've gotten a new titanium enforced racquet from the kind people at NASA(not actually from them;don't need any vehicles showing up at my doorstep).

I will want better for you until you get it in that head of yours that I don't give up on my friends.
You can push me away and tell me all the good talk to try and pacify me and i'll simply start lobbing my tennis balls to you until you begin to register my true intent for you.

Can't you see my friend,you don't have to live in metaphorical handcuffs.

I know you can do it.

Don't make me start lobbing bowling balls(wishful thinking).

Begin loving you more;in increments....a little at a time and i'll be waiting for you on the other side,with open arm and a cane.

I'm not giving up on you;not on my watch.

Respectfully
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Old 06-24-2012, 10:09 PM   #6
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Re: Someday... :(

Thanks Phoenix. That made me tear up... In a good way.
I really appreciate you being there.... you know I dont take it for granted.

W
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Old 06-24-2012, 11:15 PM   #7
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Re: Someday... :(

My ex and I came up with a plan. Even though we both take oxycodone for legit issues, we want to help each other ( From a physical distance).
We each take 6 15 mg a day per script, but always take more and run out early.
We are going to try this month to take 4 a day, which is more realistic for our daily pain level. Then divide them up into a monthly pill thing and take the extras and keep them out of sight. Somewhere where we'd really have to think - ok im gping to break my promise" ... Not just an easy place to snatch one up. If one if us gets a horrific migraine, that's what the extras are there for. But that's it. Pills were a major reason why our engagement and decade long relationship is over. People, it's not worth it. What an awful reason for things to fall apart. If you're in that situation, please try to stop and get help. It will only lead to a sad place. How can it not? And you can avoid it.
Anyway... sorry for the soapbox-
I'm scared. I want to do 5 a day this month and do 4 next month ( he wants to do 4 a day this month instead of the 6) ... I have a doc appt tomorrow so I have to decide. But I WILL stick to my decision whichever I pick.
I also will not snort them anymore. I made a promise tonight and I'm willing to keep it.
I can't do 6, 8, 10 pills a day and hike and go rock climbing etc 4 or 5 times a week. It takes too much out of me. I know the less pills I do, the more life I can enjoy. And I miss enjoying life. I mean, why am I here if not to enjoy what I have and who I know (respectfully religion plays no part for me). But I wasn't born to sit on my couch.

This may sound like any other addicts rambling promise where they lie to themselves or whatever, even if they think they are sincere... but I mean it. I do feel wobbly inside, but I think it just that it's major. I want to succeed in what I decide. I don't want to screw up.
I'm just scared. I realize also this is a weird taper. But I take these meds for a real reason, I'm just trying to see if it's possible at all for me to get back some control now that I'm doing a lot of positive things for myself. Maybe it will carry over.
I'm not open to discussing this with my doctor, FYI. I want to do it myself and not involve him or turn this into something until I see for myself that I can't do it alone. If I can succeed on keeping my pain in check for a whe on 4 pills a day or maybe even three, I can just ask him to adjust my dose.
Just sharing thoughts... hope they don't sound totally insane!
W
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Old 06-27-2012, 07:37 AM   #8
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Re: Someday... :(

Wendy,

It's time to put the ball down;the game is over my friend.

You know that the doctor's have your records and yet you want to do it your way.
I hear you on this but sometimes we have to check our pride at the door and begin looking out for #1...yourself.

My concern is whether your body is ready or even healthy enough for your home remedy.

You know me;you won't get a more sincere answer from me.

When have I tried to not be honest with you?

Respectfully
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Last edited by Phoenix; 06-28-2012 at 01:59 PM.

 
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Old 06-27-2012, 08:41 AM   #9
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Re: Someday... :(

Hi Wendy, I am going with Phoenix on this one. He seems to know you beter than me. I have read your old posts (some of them). Besides your body not being capable of handling opiates for any extended period of time, I don't think that you sound mentally prepared either. You just got thru snorting your medication and now you think that you are ready to take them as prescribed. That is what I used to tell myself, and it never worked. The fact that you are going to put your pills somewhere where its hard to reach them, is neither here nor there. If you want one, you'll take one. You have already excused this by saying "only if we get a migraine..." I get a migraine from time to time, and I take excedrin migraine. It doesn't always work, but when I made a decision to be clean, it meant clean. It didnt' mean that there were exceptions like headaches. I just wish you all the luck you need Wendy. I hate for anyone to suffer from addiction. I used to suffer from it, now I just learn from others. Hearing you talk te way you are, reminds me of just how bad I can get again.

I agree with Phoenix on checking your pride at the door. I had to. I had to go to my doctor with my tail between my legs and sy those three little words that are so hard for adicts to say...I need help. But I am so glad that I did. My heart goes out to you. I truly hope you are able to get the help you deserve and need. Best wishes Wendy

 
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Old 06-27-2012, 08:41 AM   #10
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Re: Someday... :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wendy88 View Post
Thanks Phoenix. That made me tear up... In a good way.
I really appreciate you being there.... you know I dont take it for granted.

W
Wendy,

No problem at all.

That place you were in,while the tears began trickling down you face;that's the place you need to stop running from and begin working through.

Those tears triggered something in you and chances are it took you back to a place not visited very often.

You're amongst friends here.Share if you like and if you're not up to it,I can understand that also.


Just don't want you to feel that you're alone.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Last edited by mod85; 06-27-2012 at 04:29 PM.

 
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Old 06-28-2012, 06:14 AM   #11
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Re: Someday... :(

Hi Wendy, In my opinion you gotta come clean with your dr. If you want your life back under control thats the only way. Putting your meds away until as you say "you really need them" just doesn,t work. I,ve tried this when I was getting high. I,d leave them in locker at work over weekend. That didn,t work. By Sunday morning I,d go over there and get them. I wish you the best of luck but I think your plan is not gonna work in the long run. Please go get some helpight.

Last edited by Administrator; 06-28-2012 at 01:43 PM.

 
Old 06-28-2012, 11:02 PM   #12
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Re: Someday... :(

Hi all,
I just wanted to say thanks. You've given me some stuff to think about.
(just an update- my extra meds are at a friends house, not at my place. And I've kept to my plan since Friday when I got my meds.)
But I will really think about what you all have said. I really appreciate your advice. Please know that.
W
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Old 06-29-2012, 10:13 AM   #13
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Re: Someday... :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wendy88 View Post
Hi all,
I just wanted to say thanks. You've given me some stuff to think about.
(just an update- my extra meds are at a friends house, not at my place. And I've kept to my plan since Friday when I got my meds.)
But I will really think about what you all have said. I really appreciate your advice. Please know that.
W
Wendy,

It's time to put action to words.
What do you want for yourself;right now?

You know,as well as I,that quick fixes eventually fade in time;leaving you at square one again.

If you are struggling silently(so other won't catch on) I hear that and if not,thank goodness that you never had to go that route.

I'm not going to give up on you,so how about meeting me halfway?

Your friend
Phoenix
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Old 06-30-2012, 03:04 AM   #14
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Re: Someday... :(

Hi Phoenix,
Thanks for the note. I'll do my best to answer.
What do I want for myself? I want to be happier and find my place in the world. I know Ive suffered from depression this year( I never have before, anxiety is my thing). I'm on new meds for it and am seeing a psychiatrist. I'm on the cusp of deciding to change careers and going to grad school... so much change this year. It plays on my anxiety even though I know these are all good steps. Steps that I believe will make me happier.
I want to be back to the person I was before I moved to a new city. I do have friends here but I stay in a lot etc... My closest friends are very far away. But I need to stop mourning the loss of my old life and continue to see the positive in my new one. Um having a very hard time doing that.
It's why my somewhat recent change and starting to go hiking, swimming and seeing friends was something I noted. I use to just work and do nothing else. Now I'm not working, but I'm using the time to try and find myself.
When I hike, i am not high on anything and am just alone with my thoughts and it's great. I feel happy, anxiety leaves etc, I challenge myself physically and it makes me feel like I can do anything mentally. Those moments are really special. I'm trying to use that feeling as my "high". But nights are so hard cause I feel so alone.

What do you mean by meeting you half way? I'll listen.
Silent suffering how? I mean, I feel badly a lot but it's about stuff in my life. I'm not going through withdrawals... I just want to make sure I understand what you mean.
Thanks Phoenix, and everyone, for your support. I really appreciate it.
W
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Old 06-30-2012, 05:37 AM   #15
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Re: Someday... :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wendy88 View Post
What do you mean by meeting you half way? I'll listen.
Silent suffering how? I mean, I feel badly a lot but it's about stuff in my life. I'm not going through withdrawals... I just want to make sure I understand what you mean.
Thanks Phoenix, and everyone, for your support. I really appreciate it.
W
Hello Wendy,

I've seen you appear to be struggling at times over the years and just wanted to lend a helping hand for you to hold onto;if or when the need arises.......

One never knows;I may need you in this capacity one day. I've learned a long time ago to never say never.

Silent suffering(at least to me) is attempting to show the outside world that all is peaches and cream,even though the opposite may be occurring

You are a strong,intelligent woman.
Unfortunately our disorders have little respect for that.

It's the bottom of the ninth,the bases are loaded,the count is 3 balls and 2 strikes and to make matters worse the score is tied.

How are you going to handle the next ball thrown in your direction?

The decision is yours,my friend
Respectfully Phoenix
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