Hey everyone, this is my first post, so I will give my background story and then let you know how everything is going 4 months later. So shortly after i graduated from fsu in 2009 I got caught up in the whole oxy mess and developed a painkiller addiction in late '09. I went from doing 15 mg's once in a blue moon to 90 mg's a day just to feel normal. Finally in early 2011 i had taken enough abuse of going through the daily grind and just wanted to feel how i did before i stopped. I started taking suboxone, and would quit two weeks at a time and end up relapsing over and over and over, so many times i cant even count...(very demoralizing) I had numerous friends with problems and thought suboxone was the only way i was going to be able to stop. Boy was I wrong!
I did the on off deal for about a year. I remember christmas of 2011, i was high as a kite around my family and justified it to myself that i couldn't stop these and it was ok. I was content with taking these little devils the rest of my life cause i could. not. stop! New years went by, so did my resolution. i had the whole thing planned out. Adderall for work/energy, xanax for anxiety, this for nausea, etc. I relapsed a couple more times till finally 2/26/12 i can remember it like it was yesterday. I had gotten a call from the bank wanting to know where there money was cause i had overdrafted my account, and i was dodging them like the black plague. I had no money, and i was working 40 hours a week at a pretty darn good job and barely hanging on. Thousands of dollars in debt,doing terrible in graduate school, losing good true friends by the day, and addicted to this monster i let into my life, i just sat in my tub and cried my eyes out that day. Im a 25 year old man from a military family with ALOT of self pride and i just broke down...I couldn't even look myself in the mirror, i was a shell...so much shame. I knew every day i kept doing these at this rate that my life was gonna end up even worse or i was going to end up dead.
That day, i did the thing i never ever thought i would/could have the balls to do, I walked into my parents home with my tail between my legs, and told them everything. To my cloudy-headed surprise they werent mad at me at all,lol obviously. just worried and didn't understand why i didnt come to them sooner. I guess parents dont understand what its like to be the one letting them down. I grew up not believing in addiction. I just assumed people were mentally or physically weak, lol damn i was wrong! Just telling someone that i knew could help me or just listen to me vent even if it was my own parents was a HUGE lift off my shoulders. The only other people i could even talk about it with were the other addicts i was hanging around.
Finally I had found someone i could be honest with on a day to day basis without b-sing people and hiding my secret. They offered to help, but only under a couple of conditions. I had to detox at there home for 2 weeks, had to take 2 drug tests a week for a year, had to delete all my numbers, and change my phone number so the wrong people couldnt get ahold of me and we agreed I shouldn't go on suboxone treatment.(*This was just the way i decided to do my treatment. Nothing against suboxone, but with my experience personal, and with friends, all of them who have used suboxone therapy have either relapsed or got back on what they were trying to get off of) I just felt like i did this to myself, so i need to go through detox like a man and feel the full brut of the detox so i could have more respect for the process, man was it awful!!!! I just knew if i had the suboxone, i would take it each time i felt like crap, I would still be satisfying that craving with something to take its place. For me oxy and suboxone gave me the same feeling. So No suboxone for me. The first two weeks were worse than all the chemotherapy i was ever put through for that year i had osteosarcoma in my femur. cold/hot sweats, anxiety, sleeplessness, restless legs, nausea, depression, acid reflux, the whole nine yards. Every day i would get up and feel like i wasnt getting any better. I was so upset that i had the feeling like it was gonna last forever. My skin was crawling! I had diarrhea, and could only keep down water. Thank god i had a previous prescription for ambien and zofran(chemo nausea medicine) and ibuprofen. They helped give me some quality of life, still it was pretty lousy.
After about 2.5 weeks i finally started to fall asleep at night. Slowly but surely with getting sun, playing golf, and doing light exercise I would start to feel better each day. I cut out junk food, soda, etc, and started getting at least 1 hr of activity a day. It helped so much!! before the pills i was a gymrat lifting 5 days a week so it may have been easier for me to get back into the exercise, but its unreal how activity and the sun can restore some happiness. I relapsed one time since i quit which was at a wrestling event; haha i know laugh it up. . It had been forever since i had been and a buddy is still really into it, so i went on 4/3/12. At that point i had been sober for a little under two months. I somehow (stupidly) justified that it was ok to "reward" myself for staying sober and doing so good that i was allowed to take a couple. I had a mental MMA match with my conscience for two days and folded like a damn beach chair on the day of the event. Not only was i super depressed the next day after the event/relapse, i had let my friends, family and most of all myself down. But as bad as i felt for relapsing, that one time changed my life. I absolutely HATED the high and how i felt that night.
I was sweaty, nausea's, had a headache, looked like crap, and was just upset with myself as soon as i crushed it up. But what it did do is open my eyes up that I had already made it, i was fine without these pills, i just couldnt realize it. I didn't need to reward myself for anything. Each day sober was a rewarding experience. I just had to come to grips that I can never under any circumstances take any type of pain medication. Thats just how it is and has to be. Since then i have stayed away from everything completely. I relapsed, excepted it, and moved on. Even though im only 4 months out(almost 6 if you count when i originally stopped), i feel like a new man! The small things make me happy again. Laying around watching movies with the gf, hanging with family and friends sober, seeing alot of movies. I now enjoy the things sober that i used to have to be on Pk's to have the same enjoyment. The toughest part was not the addiction, it was just relearning how to live each day sober and realize that i was sick and needed outside help. It was very tough for me to break down like that but it saved my life reaching out. I love the fact i never think about them, its a high in itself knowing that i don't need anything except friends, family, food, water, and sleep. Im not attached to my cell phone praying to god someone would pick up and satisfy that urge. It has been a long tough process, but it is possible guys.
Like i said earlier this time last year, i would never in a million years think i would be where im at today. Yea i still have anxiety some days, and some heartburn, but all in all im a sober happy individual, and i did it without suboxone and other medications with the exceptions to the ones i listed(which i only took for the first two weeks). You can do it guys, all you have to do is take the first step. I know i was fortunate enough to have someone to go to, I just had no other choice. I was flat broke and didnt have money for rehab, or else i wouldn't have put this whole burden on the two people that love me the most. So surround yourself with good people and believe in yourself. You got yourself into this mess, so its up to you to dig your way out. I stopped w/o meetings and never really got on the forums, I only vented to friends and family that would listen. Just writing all of this I already feel even better. So get out there and start the first day of the rest of your life!
The following user gives a hug of support to shwankin33: Phoenix (07-24-2012)
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to shwankin33 For This Useful Post: CaliGirl (11-23-2012), jenga890 (07-24-2012), Wendy88 (11-06-2012)
No problem! I know I was in ramble mode, just couldn't sleep and I was reading some of the entry's so I decided to share. Thanks for the acceptance and if anyone has questions or wants to talk, let me know. We're all in this together, and if I can stop anything is possible!
i didnt read your whole post but i will later, gota make dinner, but right on man! keep rollin, im about to enjoy my 8 months sober on 8/7/12, 4 days before my bday. couldnt give myself a better gift, best of luck
The following user gives a hug of support to icehouse3z: Phoenix (07-25-2012)
Your story is very touching. I myself am not a addict however my younger brother is and I've helped him over the years since he was about 16 til now ( he is 27). He has very bad addiction to all pills.. Oxy, perc, Vicodin, subs, Xanax, heroin, smoking crack etc you name it
Anyhow to make a long story short he called me one day exactly 6.5 weeks ago and told me he was very Hungry (he had been living in the woods since his g/f kicked him out for selling some her her belongings (tv, etc) so I went to meet him and bought him some fast food and we started talking and I always told him why don't u just go to the hospital and get help I will take you, now the last few times he was turned away cause he wasn't actively high and I refused to take him to get him. Anyhow this time I took him to the mental hospital and told him to tell them he is suicidal, they took him!!! Thank the lord... He was there for 9 days and discharged and had to wait for a bed at a rehab... (which was two days) so I paided for him to stay in hotel near my house since my hubby didn't want him at our hme with our 1 yr old son and I totally understood him for that since we have been thru this whole thing with my brother for years. So anyhow the state would only fund him if he tried methadone rehab so he did and completed 5 weeks yesterday and was discharged! They had a recovery house all set for him to go to and what does he do the day he gets out? Goes to another addicts house to stay there (this guy was in rehab with him and was discharged the week before him) I told him not to do it and that he was doing what he wanted to do and not what recovery wanted him to do I'm so sad... He went out on a binge and had 5 bottles full of vicodins when I seen him he is also taking 110 mg of methadone too.. So then he goes out all day and night somehow gets his *** beat wines up in hospital then released and then gets Arrested for a bench warrant he had previously before going into rehab. He calls me from jail and crys to me and I'm so lost.. I feel this time I need to let him find his own way.... I've done so much for him. I was taking him cigs every week at rehab and going for visits and was his only support person. I'm saddened by my brothers choice and I'm so glad to hear some positive stories out here and appreciate you sharing your story. God bless you and keep coming back!! Please say a prayer for my brother.
So sorry, its been so long since my last post, i have been so busy!!! Im truly sorry about your situation, and i will pray for him. all in all it boils down to him wanting to get better. If you dont want it, it will never happen. I am happy to say I have not had a single slip up since April 3rd. I went out and got some beers with friends this past weekend for a birthday and i had a great time. I never have cravings, kind of crazy to look back at all the time that has passed. The 3rd of November was 7 months since my relapse, and about 9 months since i quit back in feb. 26th. I just want to let all of you out there to know, i know the helpless feeling, the endless nights, the depression, all the terrible **** that goes along with opiate addiction, just remember though, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Some days, ill feel kinda blah, and I just have to remind myself that im not dependent on a substance and im finally able to live my life. I started working out alot again and have lost about 10 lbs. Golfing more, doing physical activities seem to help tremendously. The sun really does help in the healing process. Physically and mentally. Keep fighting the vicious fight everyone, and never give up. And very importantly, surround yourself with positive people, and people who are in no way attached to blues in general. Best thing i could have ever done was change my phone number and delete all those numbers. its amazing what your mind and body can do, when something just isnt around anymore. Again everyone, keep fighting, never give up, there is hope. "tomorrow is the first day, of the rest of your life"
The following user gives a hug of support to shwankin33: Phoenix (11-05-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to shwankin33 For This Useful Post: Wendy88 (11-08-2012)
Thanks phoenix! Yeah, i just had not been back on in a while, and i completely forgot how important it was to post, so others could see that it is possible. Coming on here during those late nights, and reading peoples stories about being better 3-4-5 months down the line is what gave me some hope. And i promise ill start getting more involved! haha, have just been in between jobs, and finishing school. im slowly losing my hair! lol As i have seen ice and some others on here say, its amazing how much you enjoy the little things once your mind is clear. You recognize stuff around you, that you would usually just take for granted.
Time flys by when your sober and getting stuff done though! wow! i cannot believe how long it has been since i first posted...But i do mean this as genuine as possible; Never give up and remember 1 day turns to 2 to 3 and so on and so on. If you concentrate on it, believe in yourself, dont be afraid to ask for help from friends and family, and focus on living a life dependent from something, anything is possible. Just a year ago during xmas (december of 2011) i was completely ok with just being an addict the rest of my life cause i COULD NOT STOP. I told myself that, and was so complacent with that, that it scares me to this day how much i had given up. I truly believe those pain pills are the devil. They for a 3 and a half year period stole my life from me. then i finally hit rock bottom, with me it was inevitable... but this xmas is going to be so different. A year that felt like a decade at first, then slowly and surely got better, I am night and day different from myself just a year ago! And i cant even imagine being around or even relapsing on that crap. If this gives you an idea how tough detox is, cause its damn tough, hardest thing I have ever gone through. I honestly believe that oxy detox was worse than chemotherapy for osteosarcoma (bone cancer).
Not trying to scare anyone, but just saying we all completely understand what your going through and how tough it is, so never ever ever look at yourself as weak. these drugs are extremely strong, and like i said could never even imagine relapsing or even being around them again. The thought of oxy and suboxone honestly gives me a nauseous feeling. Sorry, but i am damn proud of myself! haha Keep up the fight everyone being oxy free and loving life again is possible! love you all!
The following user gives a hug of support to shwankin33: Phoenix (11-05-2012)
Your story is the first I've read on the site. It's nice to have someone to relate to, makes me feel less alone. And for 3 years I figured I just liked the high. I mean, it's a legal drug that people take everyday, right? It wasn't long before I couldn't function without percs, last year or so I wasn't even getting high.....I needed them to feel "normal".
I couldn't keep a job, pay my rent, and had to move home. It still wasn't until 6 months after that I came clean to my parents. I detoxed at my house for 3-4 days. My dad lives in South Fla and flew me here as soon as I told him. I've been clean from percs for 19 days and 7 with out subs.....may seem like a short period of time, but it's the longest I've ever gone and am hopeful for the first time.
I'm so nervous to go back home this weekend......but positive posts certainly help.
So thank you.
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: Jwest23 Phoenix (11-10-2012), shwankin33 (11-08-2012)
Welcome to the board. I just wanted to thank you for your lovely, truthful, uplifting post.
It helps give strength to people like me who has pill issues that there is an end to the insanity- a new beautiful life. I've experienced it on and off, but not to the consistent degree that u have. You are very strong! I wish you all the best!
And remember that we are all here for u, if u need to vent, share etc...
Again thank you for sharing your uplifting story.
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The following 2 users give hugs of support to: Wendy88 Phoenix (11-10-2012), shwankin33 (11-25-2012)