I failed this weekend...bigtime - Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Princess · 11-21-2000, 08:14 PM

I have been doing so good lately and then Saturday night my boyfriend was trying to make some money and decided to sell some coke. He didn't tell me because he didn't want to tempt me, but I knew he was slingin' something and I thought it was heroin because I took him to his heroin dealer's place. (stupid! He convinced me that he really needed to make money just so he could eat, I gave him about $60 total over the weekend for thatpurpose and it kept mysteriously disappearing and he needed more, he never sked, I just kept giving and I don't have it to give) He was only supposed to be a minute, but he came back to the car and told me to leave 'cause some **** was about to go down, but he wouldn't come with me. I got mad and went straight to my coke dealer and blew my rent money. My bf ended up almost going to jail, but narrowly got off. When I went to pick him up and told him about the coke (I hadn't done any of it yet) he asked me if I had gotten it out of revenge because he was with his heroin dealers, I told him no, but the more I think about it, I know that he was exactly right. The worst part is that it was cut with something bad and was really burning so he (he who hates it when I do coke) convinced me to try freebasing 'cause it would burn off the cut, so I did. I swore I would never do that, but I did and have now discovered that it really does feel better that way. I haven't been to work this week because I've been suffering horrible migraines and anxiety attacks and I think I'm going to lose my job and probably my apartment since I can't pay rent. Not only that, my boyfriend and I had a big fight and I made a big scene outside his house and he's blaming it on drugs (rightfully so) and he won't let me around his house anymore and I might lose him. I need to go to a meeting, but I'm scared. I know that sounds stupid, but I've never been to a meeting before and I'm nervous. Can anyone give me some advice on how to make myself go get some help? I'm losing it. It's amazing how quickly everything has gone downhill. A month ago I could take or leave coke, two weeks ago I realized I had a problem and now everything is out of control. I'm so scared.

TrickyDick · 11-21-2000, 09:21 PM

Your scared ???, I don't think your scared
enough. You should have followed my advice
I gave you on the 13th..stay away from people
who have ANYTHING to do with drugs. That,
by the way includes your "boyfriend".
You think your life is out of control now..?
You have'nt seen anyting yet.
Wait untill you are completely broke
Wait untill you have no job
Wait untill you can't even get a job
Wait untill you don't have anyplace to live
Wait untill you don't have a car
Wait untill you are so sick you can't get
by unless you have a hit or two of ANYTHING.
Wait untill you are selling your *** 3 or
4 or more times a day just so you can get
by untill you can score again.
Or...you can NOT wait on that all to happen,
(and believe me it will) You can take control
and go a day at a time without drugs and
without letting everyday good or bad things
happening give you an excuse to use drugs
(kinda like saying "Daddy, It was'nt my fault"...excuses, excuses, excuses...

Here is a reality check...
Are you more scared of what you will become
and what will happen to you or are you more
scared going to meetings everyday and hooking
up with people that care and want to help you.
If you have to think about it...you are
not living in the real world, but a fantasy
world of your own making that is about to
turn into a hell on this earth..just for you.
Grow up and take responsibility for your
self and get out of the world you are in now.

Tricky · 11-21-2000, 10:50 PM

If you go to [url="http://www.ca.org"]http://www.ca.org[/url] (this is the web site for cocaine anonymous) you can find a listing of meetings in you area and a person to contact before you go. I emailed someone with a bunch of questions about meetings and he was really nice and very helpful. I understand not wanting to go to a meeting, but if you're ready, you can find info on that site.

Christine · 11-24-2000, 10:42 AM

Princess, I just read your saga 'cause I have been busy over the holidays with preparations ONLY because I got away from the damn drugs and am slowly changing my life. You really need support, sweetheart - the RIGHT kind, and it may mean leaving the herion addict boyfriend behind.

I have been there - it sucks. The anxiety, the worry, the guilt. My advice? Go to a meeting AA or NA or both. Go tonight. Raise your hand and say your name. You will get support and help - that is all part of the program. Get some phone numbers of people to call and CALL them. Lean on them. That is why the program works - we all help each other - you will be helping someone by letting them help you. Don't use. Don't panic - you can't change what happened but you can change what happens TODAY. One day. If you use to cover the pain, you will simply wake up to more pain. Just keep it in the day. Don't use. Go to a meeting. Ask for help. Take it. Good luck.