| | I failed this weekend...bigtime
I have been doing so good lately and then Saturday night my boyfriend was trying to make some money and decided to sell some coke. He didn't tell me because he didn't want to tempt me, but I knew he was slingin' something and I thought it was heroin because I took him to his heroin dealer's place. (stupid! He convinced me that he really needed to make money just so he could eat, I gave him about $60 total over the weekend for thatpurpose and it kept mysteriously disappearing and he needed more, he never sked, I just kept giving and I don't have it to give) He was only supposed to be a minute, but he came back to the car and told me to leave 'cause some **** was about to go down, but he wouldn't come with me. I got mad and went straight to my coke dealer and blew my rent money. My bf ended up almost going to jail, but narrowly got off. When I went to pick him up and told him about the coke (I hadn't done any of it yet) he asked me if I had gotten it out of revenge because he was with his heroin dealers, I told him no, but the more I think about it, I know that he was exactly right. The worst part is that it was cut with something bad and was really burning so he (he who hates it when I do coke) convinced me to try freebasing 'cause it would burn off the cut, so I did. I swore I would never do that, but I did and have now discovered that it really does feel better that way. I haven't been to work this week because I've been suffering horrible migraines and anxiety attacks and I think I'm going to lose my job and probably my apartment since I can't pay rent. Not only that, my boyfriend and I had a big fight and I made a big scene outside his house and he's blaming it on drugs (rightfully so) and he won't let me around his house anymore and I might lose him. I need to go to a meeting, but I'm scared. I know that sounds stupid, but I've never been to a meeting before and I'm nervous. Can anyone give me some advice on how to make myself go get some help? I'm losing it. It's amazing how quickly everything has gone downhill. A month ago I could take or leave coke, two weeks ago I realized I had a problem and now everything is out of control. I'm so scared.