Tricky

Thanks Christine! I just don't understand why I keep doing it, you know? I've really only admitted my whole situation to myself a few wks ago, so I guess I'm still in this surreal reality/denial state. Sometimes I'm really motivated to stay clean, and then other times, I jump in the car with my friend and "go shopping", as we liked to say. My b/f and I haven't said anything to our friends about why we aren't going out with them this wkend. They keep asking what we're doing and we just make up stories about having to see his parents or something.

How do you tell someone "I can't be your friend anymore b/c you use too many drugs"? I feel especially bad b/c I am the one that got us all on this path. They had used before, but I was the one who started buying more and more often. I was the one with the party favors, and now I'm the one saying it's over. They're going to think I'm crazy, but I'm quitting anyway. I hated myself soo much when I woke up Sunday morning (well, late afternoon but who's counting?). I felt so incredibly bad both mentally and physically, and I couldn't manage to do anything but sit on the couch and think about how bad I felt. Of course, this just made me feel worse.

I guess my resolve is back, but so is my damn bloody nose. I missed my meeting b/c I didn't get finished work until late, but I have to go to one tomorrow b/c I know the wkend is coming. I almost don't look forward to wkends anymore; I get in far less trouble at work!

Thanks for being here for me! How are you doing? I hope you're doing great, it sounds like you are.