Hey Christine -
I don't know if this will be of much help, but; have you tried to put a positive spin on things, to boost your feelings? From what I gather, you had a really bad addiction to coke, but you're sober now. That's point one of good things to count. Another thing to consider - you didn't lose your kids to Social Services because of your addiction, did you? You've never said, but I assume not. Your kids didn't leave you, they are JUST going to be with dad this Christmas. Was he a good dad? Will both the kids and he be filled with joy because they are spending the holiday together? Hell, that's something to be happy about, not sad!
I know that holiday blues/sobriety problem. I was a pot addict for 20 years (you probably remember me from the old board). My hubby and I used to get high every Christmas Eve and wrap presents, bake cookies, etc. Spending this holiday straight has been somewhat of a ***** so far.
Something happened in my area yesterday that made me stop and count my blessings. Two sons, aged 19 and 10, were ice skating in their backyard pond (up to 12 feet deep). The 10 year-old fell through the ice, and his brother jumped in to try to save them. They both died. I have two sons, around the same age. I can't imagine their parents' pain in dealing with this loss. They probably had their presents bought, and never thought they'd lose both of their children four days before Christmas. It made me stop and think how fortunate I am, that I have my children, they are healthy, and my addiction hadn't caused me to lose them. It's food for thought, Christine.
Try to remember - it could be worse. I hope you continue your sobriety, and get through the holidays. Please, please, try to be happy for the kids, ok?