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Old 09-02-2012, 10:38 AM   #1
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Day 3

Well I was controlling my pills for over a month now, maybe 2? I forgot. I was doing well, not even getting migraines. It was good. They were under control.
but then it all got messed up and I blew through my pills this month, in reaction to external stressors. Gonna have to keep my guard up, as I really was managing.
I'm so disappointed.
So I have a lot of time before my next refill.... The most time I've had in a long time. Starting Today until Sept 17th. I'm grateful for it as I've been an emotional wreck recently, for "real" reasons, I'm struggling with depression ), and I need to see if it's really that intense or the pills or a combo....
Also I'm on SSRIS/SA-seratonin anonin antagonist -so I need to know if it's working and it's best to tell with no pills at all.
So today I'm on day number 3. Clonanzepam (no issues with these) help with restless legs and I medically take them for sleep/ anxiety issues, also fioracet with codeine which are my crappy back ups for migraines. They don't work well for my migraines but it's bad news if I get one with nothing. I can't abuse them cause my liver enzymes are messed up due to high Cholesterol, but I'm losing weight for, and my numbers are coming down. Still, this situation keeps me in check cause I can't just pop those cause of the Tylenol, so I'm safe from those.
Got get tummy meds but havent needed them. Very odd. I'm happy these w/ds have gone easy bon me....
I try to remember I'm an unfortunate pro at this. Some w/ds are worse that others.
I hope next week I have a more lifted mood and the start of some clarity of my other meds.
For me, this experiment, (ok forced experiment) has many levels of testing for me, I dont want to say more for fear of failure etc, but I'll take this time one step at a time and see how it goes. As for my plans for the future next month, I'm going to play my cards close right now. Ive never been sober for the length coming to me and I'd like to just focus on that. I do have multiple legit pain issues some which can knock me out for days without meds, so it all has to be taken into consideration. I'm not in AA/NA, but ill be using their saying that I'll be taking this process one day at a time. For now.
Thanks for reading, thanks for the support - I hope
I feel like a I'm a broken record here. Constantly dropping the ball. Like the boy who cried wolf, who cares after a bit? ... All I know is i need it for myself, to do this and to share. To reach out. I can't let those thoughts stop me. They may not even be true. I do have a few close friends here and for that I am eternally grateful.
I'm doing this alone and it's hard. It's very lonely, even though I have support of a close friend I decided to tell..".- (annnnnd cue the floodgates . Great....
I look very much forward to next week, although I am grateful for a relatively easy first few days.
Best to all
w
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Old 09-02-2012, 09:58 PM   #2
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Re: Day 3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wendy88 View Post
I blew through my pills this month, in reaction to external stressors. Gonna have to keep my guard up, as I really was managing.
Thanks for reading, thanks for the support - I hope
I feel like a I'm a broken record here. Constantly dropping the ball. Like the boy who cried wolf, who cares after a bit? ... All I know is i need it for myself, to do this and to share. To reach out. I can't let those thoughts stop me. They may not even be true. I do have a few close friends here and for that I am eternally grateful.
I'm doing this alone and it's hard. It's very lonely, look very much forward to next week, although I am grateful for a relatively easy first few days.
Best to all
w
Wendy,

In the event you fall, we're going to be here;to help pick you up,as long as it takes.

My dear,why are you taking it upon yourself to heal your ills?
Please take advantage of what's out there to offer.
No person is an island unto themselves.
There's a lot to be learned here.
Stress will make a person question values and can attribute to clouded thinking,which not only has been known to compromise judgement but also has the potential to make a bad situation worse.
You'll get it eventually.Please try and remember not to be hung up on the moments that have previously transpired.
Today is another brand new day and tomorrow after that and so on.
Who cares a bit:we do and will continue to be supportive as long as you allow us.
We hear you Wendy;loud and clear.

Please allow us to provide you with support,advice and suggestions.

I'm counting on you to make lifestyle changes that are crucial for recovery.

When at your most vulnerable,equate the negative thoughts with unhappy situations that transpired.
The pills will take on a different meaning to you;eventually.

The key here is to forgive yourself,as that person in the mirror needs to re-evaluate the consequences of using.

Thinking ahead can be attained but you have to be prepared to put in the work.

You can do this.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Last edited by Phoenix; 09-02-2012 at 10:19 PM.

 
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Old 09-03-2012, 02:59 AM   #3
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Re: Day 3

Thanks Phoenix, my dear friend.
Your words means so much. I appreciate them greatly.

I dont know why I think I can do it myself. I guess I'm hard headed (not that that is an excuse). And of course, pills have become my friend in a sick way. I don't even know how long I've abused them.... 10 years, 9 (obviously starting slow in the early days). It really stepped up maybe 5 years ago? I don't know.
But except when I first get them and get high, the rest is maintaining just not to get sick. The high is gone and im left just with no energy and rarely get high, just nod. Even when taken as prescribed. And it IS getting old. That's why I'm glad for all this time off my meds.
Im still off, still doing really well. Very little withdrawals.... been seeing friends every day. My only issues are being tired and a migrajne i got yoday, but it may just be withdrawl.

I even told a close friend about my situation. I have her support. It's a big step. Just a few of my friends know and they just mind their own business. We don't really talk about it.

Maybe I will think about NA. I will start entertaining the idea of it. I don't think I'm ready for the 12 steps and I'm not a higher power person, but maybe I could sit in and listen to a session or two. They won't make me talk will they? Not unless I'm ready?Big I went, I'd just want to sit in the back and observe. Do you just Google search it and find places in your area?
Wow, I can't believe I'm thinking of this. Crazy. And Im sober so I know it's not me being high and not thinking straight. Interesting...
Thank you Phoenix. You've given me a lot to think about. Maybe I will slowly find my way out of this.
I hope you're well and had a nice weekend!
Thank you again,
W
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Old 09-03-2012, 05:33 AM   #4
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Re: Day 3

Ahhh the worst. The insomnia. I have meds for it and stepped them up by half a dose to compensate for my sleep disruption due to the withdraws, but it's not working. The sleep is the worst. Especially since I already have sleep issues. I could take another, just cause I have in the past and know it's ok, but I'll try to just watch TV and go au natural. I don't want to double my dose (it's still a low one 1mg to 1.5 to sleep at night. For my withdrawals I take two, just for the first few days) unless I have restless legs. Those I can't bear. I figure in another 2 or 3 days I can drop down to my normal dose, which is good. I'm trying to keep my body clear. Still not drinking. No weed except medical for severe migraines... of which I've had none in 2 months.
But the fascinating thing is, my brain is quiet. It could be the clonazapam I took to sleep earlier, but I've done that before and cried my night away regardless due to anxiety and getting stuck obsessing on real or fake negative scenarios, just to feed my sadness.
Maybe my SSRI is working and I'm just starting to be able to feel it. Maybe it's too early
for that.... I did wake up at 7am yesterday, open my eyes and bawl.
It's a bad time of year for me, mirroring almost to the day a huge amount of painful memories, old and new. This will gonon, on and off til the start of Oct. I'd be crying even
if I wasn't all messed up withdrawing. I gotta not over think what each thing means, and
just see where it takes me. I think for now. I'll try to look a little forward into the future the best I can.

Oh and Phoenix I never responded or I guess I just felt u wanted to even if not needed- im always opened to suggestions. If you havent noticed, I can be stubborn, but underneath that defense I'm always listening. For real. It's why I'm still here, listening for myself, trying to help others... sure I have my own wisdom from my own experience, but I get a lot from reading everyones posts, to me or to others. I hope this doesnt read weird. I just want to put out there to others that i am open to suggestions, support, ideas... even though i do slip up and it probably seems to those who don't know me like i only listen to myself. I value each and every one of our groups posts.
I'm lucky I found a lil refuge here during my storm.
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Old 09-03-2012, 10:08 PM   #5
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Re: Day 3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wendy88 View Post
Ahhh the worst. The insomnia.
But the fascinating thing is, my brain is quiet. It could be the clonazapam I took to sleep earlier, but I've done that before and cried my night away regardless due to anxiety and getting stuck obsessing on real or fake negative scenarios, just to feed my sadness.

Oh and Phoenix I never responded or I guess I just felt u wanted to even if not needed- im always opened to suggestions. If you havent noticed, I can be stubborn, but underneath that defense I'm always listening. For real. It's why I'm still here, listening for myself, trying to help others... sure I have my own wisdom from my own experience, but I get a lot from reading everyones posts, to me or to others. I hope this doesnt read weird. I just want to put out there to others that i am open to suggestions, support, ideas... even though i do slip up and it probably seems to those who don't know me like i only listen to myself. I value each and every one of our groups posts.
I'm lucky I found a lil refuge here during my storm.
Wendy,

A fellow insomniac;welcome to the club(if one were to be part of a membership of viewing the sun set,rise and set yet again(depending on your schedule,it may be in reverse order).

That quiet brain;proceed with caution,for the sadness will creep in and encapsulate before the pleasant thoughts;especially if one has other pressing issues(either physical,psychological or situational).

Here's the thing;you're helping me and others,more than you think.Others will read and know they're not alone and being able to identify can be a very liberating thing.

Respectfully,

Phoenix
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Last edited by Phoenix; 09-05-2012 at 04:18 AM.

 
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Old 09-04-2012, 07:18 AM   #6
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Re: Day 3

Ugh why am I up!!! It's too early. I went to bed eay and now I'm up. Sucks.
And, I know why I'm up. Stupid drugs screwing with my sleep.
I hope I can go back to sleep. My cat just noticed I'm up and is now snuggling me, purring... as if she knows I need it.

Phoenix, you're right. My posts will help others. They can see what to expect etc ... although like I said, my withdrawal has been physically relatively easy compared to other times- so people be warned! my stomach has been fine etc.... Odd

Thank you for that caution . I won't take my quiet mind for granted. I don't know if I posted , but the very morning I wrote it, I was up at 7am and immediately burst into tears. So, yes, there is darkness in that quiet, and all the racing my SSRI hasn't controlled, that the Roxys were, will no doubt eventually perk up.
Gotta see my family in a few days so at least I'm not physically sick. Now I just have to not be emotionally worse! I just don't want them to worry. We are very close and this info would crush them. Maybe someday.....
Thanks Phoenix! And thanks for the insomniac induction.
W
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Old 09-04-2012, 09:14 AM   #7
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Re: Day 3

That quiet brain;proceed with caution,for the sadness will creep in and encapsulate before the pleasant thoughts;especially if one has other pressing issues(either physical,psychological or situational).

Phoenix, the above quote from you is right. I have such a sadness over me. I wish I could just go back to bed. Thankfully I have plans with good friends later. I just feel incredibly alone.... I just have to believe it will pass.
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Old 09-04-2012, 11:08 AM   #8
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Re: Day 3

Wendy,

Truth be told,it's situations like this that i'd rather be wrong about but i've been there myself;on several occasions.I was a tad apprehensive,when it came to responding to this but sometimes you have to get the message out;no matter what.This is one of those times.

Give anything enough time and it will eventually pass,as nothing lasts forever.The key is to practice patience.

Clean,read,write,walk,listen to songs,see a movie on dvd or even post here;anything that will help.

Respectfully
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Last edited by Phoenix; 09-04-2012 at 01:15 PM. Reason: clarification

 
Old 09-04-2012, 12:04 PM   #9
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Re: Day 3

It's ok. I appreciate the response. I'm better. Just grumpy now. I have stuff to do all day and into the night.
I know that sadness will pass. Right now I'm just happy for my cup of coffee and my best friend... my cat!
Also a 3 day migraine with no good med relief will bum anyone out! I'll be fine.
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Old 09-04-2012, 01:49 PM   #10
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Re: Day 3

Wendy,

I added a bit more to the above-mentioned response.
I can relate to what you're going through because i've been there.
Kinda makes me feel older than I am.
They say with age comes wisdom or with wisdom,comes age(maturity).

Maybe a bit of both for some and less for others.........I overthink way too much at times.

In need of some quality sleep......8 hours isn't realistic though;not now.

It is what it is,at the moment.

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Last edited by Phoenix; 09-04-2012 at 01:49 PM.

 
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Old 09-04-2012, 02:11 PM   #11
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Re: Day 3

Thank you.
Well, let it not be overlooked that I AM enjoying this time of sobriety. Waking up, almost too early, but with a clear mind and energy during the day is awesome.
Waking up and knowing you wont really wake up til you take pills sucks. When I'm on them, I'm locked to them. But let it be know to peeps out there that after a few days (I think I'm on day 6?) you do feel a lot better.

W
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