Thanks to you both for the encouraging words. I got my refill today. Just in time (in some ways) because I got a migraine that sidelined me for most of the day. I was so sick. What a curse.
HOWEVER, I approached things differently this time. Instead of popping two right away, I only took one, to see if it would help me for the pain. I was NOT looking to get high. I'm scared I'll get depressed again like I was before. right now (and hopefully every day forward) I will do anything to avoid that depression, those mood swings, the crying... just being high and out of control. That is not me.
Anyway, as the day went on, I only increased by half doses every few hours (I did get a little buzz at one point, but it was not on purpose abd the feeling made me nervous. It's like I have my guard up. I've never felt this way before). Usually with a migraine of this calliber, I would have taken at least one and a half 15 mg every 1.5 hours after my initial dose (at a minimum). Plus the first day I get my script, I usually party with them.
As if now, I'm still under my daily allowed dose. I'm allowed 6 15mg a day but I'm not going to take more than 5.... If I can't clear my pain with 5 of them, then my pain just isn't gonna respond and taking more won't do anything good or helpful for me.
So I made it to 17 days without any pills and now I will try very hard to control my intake. As I said before, I am thinking of checking out NA for add'l support...
I very much enjoyed my energy, my lack of depression etc... Right now, my head is killing mr and I feel that pill foggy feeling, and I'm not enjoying it.
I'm GLAD I'm not enjoying it. I will not forget how good I felt over the past 17 days.... I think my depression meds are working now (I just changed to new meds a few months ago and it was hard to feel if it was helping cause I was always numb. I now know the meds are working and I'm getting over my depression. Buy I need to keep feeling, thinking... I can't hind behind a blue pill. It only makes things worse.
I'm determined to keep my head above water. It will be an uphill battle, as a chronic pain patient (there are no other meds I can take for my issues... I've been to multiple doctors, tried many meds, and there is no non narcotic solution for me, yet. Maybe someday they will made a med that will help me, but until then, i have to figure out a way that works for me, allows me to live my life somewhat pain free, and not emotionally numb, not lose who I am, fight for myself... I am worth it. Each of us in our struggles are.
I truly feel that i found my inner fighter. She was gone a long time but I won't let her leave again.
Wow, i didn't intend to write so much. If anyone made it all the way through, I feel I should take you to dinner!!
I hope to look back and read this when I need strength...
Best to everyone and thanks to all for their continued support. It means the world.