Hi Dogcito! You've done some fantastic work! I hope u feel proud!
Yes I've had those feelings for sure!
Like, my ex fiancé used pills too, if we hadn't, maybe our relationship would have had more of a chance. I spent over a decade with him.
Before I moved, I lived near all my fantastic friend that I've known forever..., but i cancelled plans a lot, stayed in, cause all I cared about was sleeping in til 3pm and then doing pills all night with my ex.
And the $$ I spent on my dealer when I'd run out of (at the time 100 10mg percocets). Then I got very I'll and graduated to 180 15 mg roxys a month....
I think middle age is probably a very common time to stop drinking. You had the fun of your teens and 20's, the potential mix of ugly and fun in your 30's and then the ugly gets stronger the more upward of maybe 40 u go. Cause at that age or around it, other life expectations happen. Maybe u want a family or whatever, but getting drunk/high.... The older u get, the more u spend those good years in a haze not being you
You aren't alone. I believe what u are going through is very normal. If you stick with your sobriety, which I hope u will, you will eventually see your life come back to you. That guilt and that what if, it's normal, but keep it at bay. Cause it'll bring you down and deride your sobriety. Maybe post those thoughts here so we can help u.... Or write them down, but don't keep it inside, ok?
Keep on trucking! The longer you go without, the more your brain and emotions will go back to normal (it takes time, you have to be patient with the repair your body is doing right now. And feeling down is part of it. You body has to rebuild all your feel good chemicals that it took a break from making when u were artificially supplying it.
Every day sober is a day closer to your old self. It'll get better.
You are doing great!