Those of you that have used crack can you tell me how it relates to your sex drive, sexual satisfaction etc.? My husband and I are trying to rebuild our relationship after a mid life crisis type of crack use...He was clean and sober till he hit 52 and then tried crack on a whim and was hooked. Anyway my self confidence is kinda rocky and I feel that sex must be a let down for him....It doesn't compare to the high of of the drug. Can any of you share your experiences?
Nothing is real when you are under the influence. Not to mention the physical downfalls of drug use/abous. IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM/UNDER THE INFLUENCE. If he isn't under the influence at the time, then it is the physical withdrawal.
Thank you for your response but I am not sure what you are saying.....What I am asking is there any joy left in sex..any thrill? Is it just a let down after the high you get from drugs? My husband has been clean for 2 months...He wants sex , I oblige but feel like I am second choice...Understand what I mean... Am I just hamburger when he wants steak???? Can sex and love ever fill the desire for the drug? He says the two are not related..He lies so much though I am doubting every thing he says..
We are going to all kinds of therapy but I need honest gut answers not psycho babble...
So sorry, I misunderstood the question. I can only speak for myself and my experiences. When I got clean my hormones went wild. On the other hand my partner did the same thing but now he doesn't like to partake as often as he did. I guess many things go through our head after we get clean. We perceive so many things differently than we did when we used. What I have come to understand through NA is that we have a hole in us that we used to try to fill with drugs. Now the hole is empty and we try to fill it with other things. That is wher the deal with a higher power comes in. Getting clean is just the beginning. Working the steps worked for me and is working for my spouse as far as fixing ourselves and all the misconceptions we had about life in general. People try to fill that hole with many other things. So it is definitely not you. It is a simple program but it is hard to get. You are not an addict? If you have not experienced the life of an addict it may be difficult to understand. Just hang in there and if you need to talk some more just write. I hope I didn't go off the deep end on you. h
Do you really believe that a drug could take place of a wifes love. Actually, you fail to see that this is an illness that started way before your husband used crack and that you my dear are caught up in it and displaying your own set of symptoms. Your worrying about wether or not you should have sex with your husband based on your own sense of low self worth and disappointement. Please,do yourself a favor and go to a support group or family organisation for addicts.
Apples and oranges. My sex drive was DEAD on crack - I just felt numb. I doubt that your husband is comparing the experiences - If my memory serves me, I believe you had said he used the word "orgasmic" or something to describe the high, and you are hung up on that....hey I'm a woman - I can understand how you might come to that conclusion!! But believe me, I think he just used that term to try and describe the indescribable. God, I have used the word "orgasmic" to describe an awesome flavor of ice cream or a great outfit!! By the way - most men are impotent on cocaine in any form... Relax. It's a totally different kind of "pleasure".
Thanks so much.... your answers are always honest and somehow you understand my questions!
So glad you are doing well...so is my husband but its quite a fight..and I am so afraid..
My al-anon meetings sure help and I reccomend anyone involved with an addict to go...
Thanks too for your input....No I am not an addict...Husband wasn't either until he hit 52. This whole world is new to me and one I thought I never would visit! Its opened my eyes and I am not as judgmental as I was. I have so many dumb questions. My husband is good at trying to answer but like Christine said if he even uses the wrong word "orgasmic" I go off the deep end and sometimes misinterpet....This board has been very helpful...Thank you all...and God bless...
As far as your statement about whether a wifes love can be replaced with a drug I really don't know...The drug has turned my husband into a liar, a sneak, a criminal, a
foolish spender of money, etc. all characteristics he never had...The drug is like another woman...He LOVES it and now has to give it up...replace me? Kinda makes me feel that way...I don't have low self esteem..I just don't understand what a drug does to you that it changes a person so much.. I grew up with a "Leave it to Beaver" type family and thought I was providing one for my family... When I say I know nothing about drugs I am not kidding..I have been drunk once in my 52 years of life and thats it...Pretty boring but safe..I still am happy, love life and my family and friends....just don't get this drug thing...
Sad but true - addiction is so powerful that it makes addict/alcholics make choices that don't make sense. Adctually, it takes away their power to make a choice. I guess chose drugs over my children sometimes simply by not being the mother I should have been and I paid the price for it. Addiction usually becomes a story of loss if the user does not chose to get help.
I once heard at a meeting that the opposite of love is not hate - it is indifference. I can hear the pain in the voices of the people I hear speak when they talk of how they have hurt the ones they love. I know I can not speak at a meeting about my own children without crying. The reason we addicts/alchoholics in recovery need each other is simply because we understand how the other feels and what they have been through. If non-addicts understood us, there would be no need for support groups!
The man who loves me doesn't understand my addiction. He doesn't try to. He just continues to love and support me for the good qualities I have and knows that I get the other things I need from my group and my sober friends. I know that when I have attempted to share the crazy things that come into my head he doesn't "get it". When I share these thoughts with my sober friends, they immediatly understand where I am coming from. It's OK - that doesn't make either of us a bad person. I can't understand how he can have one drink and walk away - or why he never had any interest in cocaine, my drug of choice. Then again, I don't understand the allure of herion. Oh well!!!
If I were you, I would keep up with the Alanon - that is where you will find people who know exactly how you feel too. Dont' try to "get this drug thing" or figure it out. You won't, you can't. And that's OK.
Thanks Canadiamom....every response helps..I am still shaky about this subject but am getting the idea that the two "activities"
don't relate...I just don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if he'd rather have crack than me...one of the therapists I see implied that if one is "high on crack" sex is given if the opposite sex is in the room...She said what do you think they do while high read the Bible???Anyway she had me kinda shook up...Husband went to her in person and told her that was not the case with him and he got me another therapist! don't know if he is manipulating me or if he is trying to help me understand the truth... Anyway thanks to all of you for responding..
Any one else???
Oh my God, Geneva, I cannot believe a therapist would say something like that!!! What a crackpot?? When was the last time she was in a crackhouse or spent some time with someone who was high?!?! Most men, as I said, are impotent on cocaine in any form, and sex was the last thing I ever thought of when smoking. All you REALLY care about is getting more!! Really! Good for your husband - I would have done the exact same thing if I were him.
Did you ever get involved in an Alanon group or any kind of support group for co-dependents? I bet you would find people with similiar concerns and it would be so great for you to hear how they handled their fears of inadequecy after trying to compete for love with a substance!
Please remember that the man who loves me knows just how you feel - how could anyone ever choose something like drugs over their family and loved ones??? You will probably never understand the addiction issue, and it is not your job to - you need to take care of you, and your husband is staying clean and working on his recovery, you may actually come out stronger and better for it. I know we did.
I have a suggestion for your husband (and for you too, if you're game)
I was addicted to crack for about 2 years so I speak from experience.
Suggest to your husband that he shave his genitals. And I mean all of it. Shave the testicles, and all around the base of the penis. The increase in sensitivity that he will experience is amazing. This might be what you both need to spice things up. It worked for me and it will work for you too.
Just a word of caution: there may be some itching or mild irritation after shaving. This goes away once the skin gets used to being bare. Trust me, your sex drive and enjoyment will increase by 10 times!!!
ps... While on a crack binge, I had a wild sex drive but was unable to engage in it myself because I could not get a hard-on. Between binges, my drive was about the same as it had been before addiction. But now that I am clean and clean-shaven, my desire and enjoyment have improved tremendously.