As always, thanks for your post!
I wish I could say I could get 150 but only do 120, but I don't trust myself with having extras around. I just know my habits way too well. Blah.
So... today I did something I believe was the right move. I'm not sure what you will think but I hope my reasoning makes sense.
Since our drop is very soon- end of next month, I decided that my/ our drop should be a little slower. I moved my script back to 180 so we each get 90 instead of 150 where we'd get 75.
Then when we feel ready (we both have legit pain issues) I'll drop the script to 150 to split, then 120 etc..
My reasoning was (and I really thought about it)
Moving is a huge stress (BF is moving from a far distance and after my move I'm traveling to my old homecity to help on his end). Not to mention, we will be living together after so long and now reuniting. I dont want us both going through more pill withdrawal/ adjustment than we need to in the first month or two. After that, we will be moved in and a drop will be more than crucial to our relationship and the promises we've made about this topic.
I also kept thinking about what ive read here- how big drops aren't always encouraged. I got scared I was setting up too many moving pieces to fail.
The only issue with my choice is this month I am back up to 180 as the split doesn't happen til next month. I knew this when I went to the doctor and have decided on my first challenge before the big drop, since I'll need this willpower.
This month, I am challenging myself to have enough pills to last til next refil aka take as directed.
To NOT run out before next refill.
I have yet to succeed there, although I've come close many times.
Even on 150 this month, I'm only 4 days short. Usually I'm 1-2 weeks short from 180. Even though i messed up again, im still proud i used better control. It means i can do it.
I'm usually not this honest. It feels good to share all this but I feel strangely vulnerable. I guess I don't want to post this time around that i really failed in the end. I really do want/ need it this time. It makes it different and higher stakes than the other times I tried to quit.
How do u not let that play a head trip on you?
Thank for everything, Reach