Hello Everyone,
From the subject box you already know I am a PAIN PILL ADDICT....sure did take a long time for me to admit that thats what I am. So here it is, 12 midnight, way past my bed time. I have already been to "bed" once, but because of the anxiety hydrocodone causes me to have, I am up again. Anyone else ever experience this when taking vicodin? It sucks! Theirs no other way to put it. Your so tired but because of all the pills you have taken in a day, you can't sleep and your heart starts to race until it is just so "uncomfortable" you get back up and then try again later. Why take the pills then? Because I am an addict. Do I like what I have become? Not one bit. I look back at how my life was before I even knew what vicodin was and think of how happy my husband and I were with our 2 kids and wonder if WE will ever have that back again. The depression derived from these thoughts is almost unbearable at times. But do I stop? I try. But the withdrawl is something I can't seem to get thru yet. I suppose it would be easier for me if I weren't surrounded by pain pill addicts, but I can't blame it all on that. Lacking will power and motivation I suppose. Thats the thing though. I want to stop so badly. I think about it all the time. In fact, everytime I take a "dose" I am thinking "DONT DO THIS"....but I do. How did I become an addict? I was always the "good" one in the family. The one who always had things "straight"....the one who always was "straight", up until 2 years ago. I have managed to keep this a secret from co-workers but most of my family knows now. Not that they care too much because they themselves have all had some sort of problem with addiction, be it alcohol or pills. ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE in my family has an addiction of some kind. I am so ashamed of what I have let myself become. I can remember telling my husband 2 years ago "We have to be careful...we don't want to become addicted to these things...". If I could only go back, but thats not possible now is it?
After reading some of the posts on here and finally getting up enough nerve to actually "post" my own story, my addiction might not seem like a "big deal" because we are not up to 50 a day......not yet. I never thought I would be taking two 7.5's at one time 3 to 4 times a day either. And thats what I am up too. 8 a day. A lot more than "the reccomended dosage" for someone not taking them for pain. The scary thing is, I "have" to have them. If I don't, guess what happens then? The stomach cramps (and all that great stuff that comes along with them), the sleepless nights with the "shakes", no energy, no mood, depression, which to me is the worst part. Will I ever be in a "good mood" again? Will I ever have the energy to get out of bed without them? I go to bed thinking of how many I have for the next day. When will I need to make plans to "get more". Who am I gonna get them from? How much am I willing to spend this week? I am not brave enough to do the "doctor shopping" I have read about. The people I get them from are the ones who do it for me. I just have to pay a ridiculous amount! But I do it. One thing that surprises me about this addiction is it's everywhere. I didn't realize how many people are in the same boat as I, just in the area I live in. I remember having a narrow minded impression of what a "druggie" looked like. You know what I mean. Someone who looks like a "druggie". How things have changed....or have they always been this way? I never got into drugs at all growing up. Never had a desire too. I had friends that did, but I was always hesitant and never gave in. Since my addiction has come to surface, I have met lots of people who you would have never thought in a million years were into anything like this. Including myself. On the outside, I project the image of your typical 28 year old female with 2 kids who lives in a nice home with a good job and a very tolerant wonderful husband .....but the side of me that friends and co-workers don't know, well, thats a different image.
My husband and I have talked repeatedly about how much we want to quit and we both want too so badly. We know what we have to do and we know the only way we're going to get thru it. We know it's going to be the toughest thing we have ever had to do. What I can't seem to understand is, we want this so badly (to quit) yet, why can't we? I know that may sound stupid but really. It's no fun anymore. We take the pills to feel "normal" now, not to get high anymore. The thrill is gone....long gone. I want our old lives back. The days when we didn't need a "pill" to be in a good mood and we were just happy to be with each other and our kids. The kids......they are 7 and 9 and they are so great. I know everyone thinks that way of they're own. Difference for me now is, I look at them and feel so ashamed of what their mother has become....they have no clue. I feel as though I am failing them. They both made the "A" honor roll this last semester and instead of jumping for joy when I saw their report cards (I sorta did in front of them), I went into my room and cried and cried. Here I am, their mother, taking a few pills before they get home from school just so I can have the energy and mood I need to be in to help them with their homework??!!!!! What is wrong with me? How could I let this get so bad? How could I let myself become addicted to these pills?
I guess the main reason for this post is to vent and I feel better having done so. Looking back and reading what I have just written is hard...even harder to submit! I have glanced upon the "clear fields" button several times! I know what I need to do to help myself and I know I am the only one who can do that. Reading the other stories is of some comfort knowing that success is possible. Even though I am not taking huge amounts in a day, I still feel as though I am out of control in dealing with this.
Any response will be appreciated whether it be your own story or some words of encouragement.
Your addiction is a big deal whether you're taking 10 a day or 50 a day. When you (or your family) have problems from it, its a "big deal". My hydrocodone adventure didnt start out a big deal either. A few here and again. But over time, I built up a tollerance to that stuff. Needed more and more just to keep from going into withdrawals. I also have a husband and 2 kids. I've been married 19 years now and its a miracle, after what all this addiction has cost me/us, he didn't give up on me. Nobody wakes up one morning and thinks to themselves, "gee, I think I wanna be a drug addict"...so don't beat yourself up thinking you "allowed" this to happen. Materially, we lost virtually everything from my addiction. I post these things not for the shock effect of it, but so you can see the progression of where it could lead. I, at one point, was also taking two 7.5's a few times a day. Not to mention the "creative financing" I had to become good at to make sure I had enough money for that pill search. I now have 3 yrs worth of sanity back in my life. Whatever you have to do to make sure you dont have to travel down the road I was on (the inevitable road if you dont stop), DO IT. Go to a NA meeting, or if need to, go to a detox at a treatment center. When I came off of those things, after the awful severe flu feeling, and after the no energy feeling, and after the tears for no reason, I had trouble sleeping. Would sleep a few hrs then wake up...then stay up....took awhile to sleep all nite thru. I could type non-stop for 5 days and not be done telling you what hydrocodone did to my life and my family's life. I just found this message board yesterday, but if I can offer support to someone Im more than happy to do so. There is life after hydrocodone.
Thank-You Peech, for responding to my post. It really helps knowing their are others out there who have had the same experience in what I am going thru.
I am curious as to whether or not it was just you with the "problem" or did your husband have this addiction too? How did it start for you?
Some might think that because it's my husband and I both who are addicted that it would make it easier for us to stop since we would have the support of each other to get us through. This is not so. If anything, it seems to make things worse. During the periods when we "weren't going to do it anymore and this is it and we're sick of it", one of us would always bring the other down. Not intentionally. It just depended on who having the worse day I guess. All it would take was for one of us to say "just one more time?"....and that was the beginning again. Another reason is, when your going thru the withdrawls together your irritable, upset, hurt, depressed, miserable, yet someone has to take care of the kids. Someone has to keep things going and still go to work. That person is usually always me. No, it IS ALWAYS me. I have noticed that though our symptoms are similar, one thing differs. He sleeps constantly and I can't sleep at all. I feel like crap, look like crap, have no energy, but because I am the "stronger" one, still have to function for my kids. I FORCE myself to do it with a smile so as to not take it out on them or lead them to believe anything is wrong with their mother. What I end up doing is getting mad at my husband (who really is a wonderful person) who's body just basically shuts down for the first 3 days, something he can't deal with very well. I don't want to sound selfish. But when going thru this, I can't help but get upset because I end up going thru it alone. We have tried to stop countless times. We always go back. One reason for that is we are surrounded by it. My sister, my mom, friends of my husbands. And whenever anyone has "anything", they call us first to see if we are in need. When trying to stop before we have told all of them to not call PERIOD for any reason as to alleviate the temptation of asking for "something". Most have listened, with the exception of my mother, but in the back of our minds the whole time we are trying to "do the right thing" we know all it will take is one phone call. Just one last time. Thats it. Then we won't do it anymore. I remember one paticular time we were doing so good. It had been a week....a whole week!! The phone rang....someone we forgot to warn about us trying to stop....someone asking if we wanted 10 percocet.....our faces lit up with a smile that we couldn't seem to get rid of....and within minutes everything we had done in that last week was gone. All the effort GONE. All the motivation GONE. Once again, we had given in to temptation. That was 3 months ago.
I found out the other day that one of my friends who has been a "goody goody" her whole life, is in rehab for addiction to tylox (oxycodone). She lost her house, her car, her daughter, her husband, her life. I had no idea...she hid it very well from everyone. This is so scary. You never think it can happen to you. You never think you will become an addict. Even when you think it's under control, it isn't. I remember the days where I didn't need it. I just took it because it made me feel good and it put me in a good mood. I was happy, or so I thought. Little did I know or think I would become dependent on it. I try to think back on when it was I actually started "needing" it and I can't remember. It seems to have just happened. The worst memories right now are the ones I have before I started taking them. The memories I have of how happy I was without these dark evil controlling pills. They are the worst because I am so afraid I will not feel that way again. I am so scared I will not be happy again without these pills. It seems like so long ago and I have forgotten what it feels like to be happy because of your surroundings and the people in your life and the things you have accomplished so far. That has all been taken over by pills. Now it's gotten to the point where they don't even do what their "suppose too" because I am so ashamed even when I take them. But it still doesn't stop me. Every night I go to bed thinking to myself, "this is the last day I will do this....I can wake up tomorrow and not do anymore" What happens in the 6 hours I am sleeping to change my mind I don't know. I wake up and start all over again.
What was your turning point? What was your motivation? How were you finally able to stop and stay "clean"? I am very interested in hearing your story and how you did it. Thanks again for responding. Hope to hear from you soon.
Hi - The best thing you could do for yourself and your hubby is call your doc. He can be your best friend right now -- he won't turn you in and he won't leave you in the lurch. He can help -- trust him.
A taper doesn't sound like it will work for you, so your only option is detox. You may say that you can't take time off work -- your kids need you, etc. But if you DON'T do this, you won't have a job, your kids may be taken from you, you could lose everything if this continues.
Am I being hard on you??? Maybe. But I'm telling the truth. You may have already done damage to your liver -- Vicodin is dangerous in large doses and for an extended period of time. You say your co-workers don't know --- I'll bet they know "something" is up -- they may not know exactly what, but I'll bet they have a clue. The ONLY person we're good at fooling is ourselves.
You must do this for you first, then your kids. They don't deserve this --- they don't have their mother the way they used to. They too probably know more than you think they know --- we don't give kids a lot of credit and most of the time they can see right thru us.
You also need to call NA or AA. They'll walk you thru this --- they'll be there when family & friends won't. You need a support system to help get and keep you clean. There is NO shame in NA or AA. The shame is in NOT getting help.
Go to detox. Call AA or NA. Addicts have 3 choices -- get clean, go to jail or death. If you don't do this, you will lose everything -- possibly even your life. Please, get the help you need. God Bless. Peace, Lee
Malibu,
While reading your story, I just began sobbing! I could have swore I wrote that story myself! The control of the vicoden over my life became more important than anything else! I couldn't have fun or enjoy spending time or playing with my kids unless I was high on the Vicoden, only thing is, is that I wasnt "high" anymore, I was normal! I can't imagine sitting down and playing games with my 6 year old daughter, or going skiing with my teenage sons without the vicoden and actually enjoying it! No one knows about my problem except for my sister and the doc who prescibes for me. He knows I am an addict but gives me as much as he wants because of his own sick agenda.
Anyway, Malibu, I know exactly what your going through, as I am spending the weekend detoxing and sleeping as much as possible through the withdrawls. I am hoping by monday I will feel almost normal again, but the enjoyment of life my come back a little at a time. And unfortunely, depression is one of the things that you will encounter, so please, please get a counselor now and get a doctor you can trust who will put you on an anti depressant because you will almost certainly need it. The best of luck and prayers to you.
[This message has been edited by Capri38 (edited 01-28-2002).]
pain med addiction...and all it's glory 
.....but the side of me that friends and co-workers don't know, well, thats a different image.
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