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Old 02-26-2013, 10:58 AM   #1
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Hello, my name is monica and i'm an alcoholic!

Hi!

I'm super nervous to write my first post today and it's scary too.

I think it's pretty obvious that i'm having a major issue.
I'm drinking until I blackout and I can't control it.
I'm mostly drinking at home, alone or with maybe one friend. But that's it!

I can't just have one glas of wine......I need a bottle and afterwards i'm going hunting for more.
This is horrible....I wake up the next morning, wondering what embarrassment I'll discover first. Did I write embarrassing messages on facebook? Did I sent texts? Did I steal my room mates liquor? Sometimes I don't even want to wake up anymore. And now I decided it has to stop!!!

Obviously i'm that type of person who can't just have one beer or one drink. I either drink nothing at all or get totally hammered!

I had numerous one night stands with strangers, fights with friends, walking/falling on the street in the middle of the night completely alone! Gosh, it's a miracle that i'm even still alive.

I think my friends, family already assume there is something wrong with me....I always drink most and I don't stop! I sneak 10 beers in my room and won't go to bed until they all are gone.

IT HAS TO STOP! NOW!!!!!!!!!!! I'm taking back control of my life. It has to stop!

Last edited by mod85; 02-26-2013 at 04:17 PM.

 
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Old 02-27-2013, 03:08 AM   #2
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Re: Hello, my name is monica and i'm an alcoholic!

Hi monicha

Welcome to the Addiction and Recovery Board. This is a place of support and hope and I am hoping you can find some comfort and support here. :-)

Although my own issues were with Oxycodone and Xanax, an abuser is an abuser is an abuser, an addict an addict. Regardless of what we use, we share some basic issues. We are self-medicators with unresolved issues, we are a group who needs to change our thinking and a group that needs to learn (or re-learn) coping skills that are better, safer and more productive.

The first thing we need to do is come up with a plan to reach sobriety AND sober thinking. The plan has to go beyond just detoxing and must include the aftercare we each need to help us discover what lies behind our abuse (and all addicts and alcoholics have something they are not dealing with behind them.. grief, hurt, pain, etc). If we neglect the aftercare, we too easily slip back into old habits of abuse.

For me, my plan included working with my primary care doctor, a clinical social worker, this board and my friends and family. I probably leaned harder on a couple of good than my family because I felt they were all getting a little sick and tired of my issues. :-)

It sounds like you are in a pretty advanced state of drinking there. I truly think you need to be under medical supervision to detox. Those who are drinking heavily and steadily for a long time run the risk of seizures and such if the drinking is abruptly stopped. It can really get very serious.

One of the hardest steps after recognizing we have a major problem is finding the courage to seek help from some live, 3-D professional people. My first live one was my family doctor of many years. I was so scared to tell him, so fearful of what he would think of me! I was also so desperate that I knew if I did not get help I was going to be dead soon. In tears, I told him the amounts of the drugs I was taking. His first response? "I can help you." While we are shocked to the point we have reached, our stories are not new to doctors. My doctor, my husband and I sat down together and worked out a tapering schedule. Then we worked out who I would be seeing to get to the bottom of it and who I would see to gain better coping skills. A great weight was lifted from me. My 'secret" was out in the open and the work to restore my brain and body, my mind and soul, started.

I sincerely hope that in the morning you will call a doctor or a rehab center and get the ball rolling to reclaim your life. No man is an island in this journey. Reach out for help with total honesty and the help will come.

Hoping to hear from you again.
With all hope
reach

 
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Old 02-27-2013, 07:29 AM   #3
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Re: Hello, my name is monica and i'm an alcoholic!

Hi reach out!

Thanks for your reply!

I'm sure you are right about all you said. Unfortunately I'm in the US as an exchange student and won't be able to get any help from a doctor or rehab center since I don't have an health insurance or the money. So the only thing I can do right now is to just stop drinking and try to find an AA meeting in my area plus I go to see a therapist once a week.

I'm also not drunk every night or every weekend. I usually get horrible drunk once a months. That doesn't mean I don't have a problem.....trust me I pretty aware of this major issue I have. So my challenge will be to not to have this one Monday a month where i plan on getting totally wasted alone in my room. Maybe i can find something else to do instead? Hell! This will be horribly hard to do!

But i hope i can do it. The hardest part for me is to know that i can never have a drink again...this sounds so long! NEVER.....

 
Old 02-27-2013, 08:16 AM   #4
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Re: Hello, my name is monica and i'm an alcoholic!

You have gotten over a huge hurdle-just admitting to yourself and someone else your problem. Reachout's post says it all. With once a month drinking binges, you can stop and if you go to as many AA meetings as possible, you will meet new friends, find support, and learn better ways to cope. With the money you save from not buying booze, you could get a massage once a month when the urge strikes- a healthy soothing alternative! You can conquer this, one step at a time, over time, and you won't believe how much company you will have when you delve into the recovery/growth process.

 
Old 02-27-2013, 08:52 PM   #5
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Re: Hello, my name is monica and i'm an alcoholic!

Thanks, Ladybud.
I think you are totally right. And the massage is a great idea. My girlfriends just called me and asked to go out tomorrow night with them to a bar. I'd rather say no but I don't want to turn them down since I haven't seen them in a long time so I said yes but offered to drive. I think this is a good way of seeing them and not getting into the temptation of drinking. I wish I could just tell them straight what my problem is. But i'm not ready for that step. One day yes but not now.

 
Old 02-28-2013, 06:36 AM   #6
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Re: Hello, my name is monica and i'm an alcoholic!

Been there,done that. Went to AA and really worked it. I did everything my sponsor told me to do; EVERYTHING. I worked the steps at depth and began sponsoring others by 7 months sobriety.
Try a low income health center for something to help you thru withdrawal. There ARE resources.
The most important thing is the steps in my recovery and going to meetings. GO, right away, you can't do this by yourself, you need a support group. And somebody there will know where you can go for any medical treatment you need.
Another thing is, don't think "forever" think about today, not drinking TODAY is all you have to do.
You can, thru the steps of AA begin to change the habits of thinking that led you to the bottle. Just surrender and quit trying to run the show. Find and shake hands with a Higher Power and cultivate that relationship.
I came into AA on a prayer and am sober today on prayer......and I don't mean organized religion.
Alcoholism is a THINKING DISEASE, we have to change the way we think and feel about things.
Don't put it off, Go find a meeting today and LISTEN, don't look for a sponsor to guide you and take you thru the steps as quick as you can.
I lost the compulsion to drink within two months. Sure, it cropped back up every once in a while to check on me, but by then I had the tools to know it for what it was/is...a devil in the disguise of easing my pain.
I am now 12+ year sober.
Life is difficult, but now I know I don't have to figure it all out myself

Last edited by Kass490; 02-28-2013 at 06:38 AM.

 
Old 02-28-2013, 06:49 AM   #7
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Re: Hello, my name is monica and i'm an alcoholic!

Look up Alcoholics Anonymous in the phone book and call the central office for a meeting schedule. You can even ask them for a 12th step visit, (maybe at a cafe or something so you won't have your family poking their noses in, believe me they DO know what's going on) so somebody can explain what AA is all about, maybe take you to a meeting so you don't have to go alone, if that's a problem.
I'd also recommend going over there and buying the big book AND the 12 & 12 esp.
But PLEASE don't think you can go home and do this work by yourself try that and you won't see the forest for the trees, your disease won't let you.
Remember too, that you're not fooling anyone. They probably knew about your problem before you did.
Embarrassing, isn't it?

 
Old 02-28-2013, 07:20 AM   #8
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Re: Hello, my name is monica and i'm an alcoholic!

Hi Kass!

Alright, you guys really do inspire me and I think I needed that kick in my butt! So I just called an AA group near me and I will attend my first closed meeting on Monday evening at 8pm.

I can't stop crying....why is this happening to me? My siblings, parents are completely fine, no addiction. Why did you get into this?

I agree with reachout that there is a reason for any kind of addiction and I can' t find my reason. I can't figure out what happened in my life where is thought I could only heal myself with drinking until I throw up or pass out. When did this happen?

 
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Old 02-28-2013, 07:49 AM   #9
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Re: Hello, my name is monica and i'm an alcoholic!

monicha,
No one knows why until they investigate in depth. Chances are, there's an alcoholic in the woodpile of your past somewhere.
Alcoholism is an allergy, so it's somewhat different to other mind obsessions which may mimic normal brain chemicals.
I don't blame you for crying; it's a scary thing to lose control over our lives like this.
The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous will, if wholeheartedly and rigorously worked, help you find the answers to your questions. It WILL take patience and self forgiveness. You're not a bad person, you're a sick person. But you WILL get sicker the longer you drink, I can assure you of THAT!
I hope you can stick with it long enough to realize YOU didn't make this happen anymore than you made the sun rise today.
I hope you can find a good sponsor. We learn to listen and listen to learn and Alkies don't like to listen to anybody! So that's what I suggest, Go to the first month of meeting and LISTEN to what the people who've been walking this road have to say about it.
My first year, esp, I visualized a bright red new toolbox in my mind and when I heard something that resonated, I'd put that tool in my toolbox.
The people in AA aren't perfect so make your own choices of what you think works for you NOW. That too will change as you grow.
I have a genetic disability as well as alcoholism; why'd that happen to me? Well, why not? I sure have learned a lot from it and, personally I've come to believe that is the reason any of us are here in the first place: to learn and grow spiritually.

I also think a lot of BS comes out of the rehab centers so going to AA is really the best place because they aren't in it for the $$$ and are genuinely caring and supportive of newcomers. It's definitely not second best, IMO. I've seen too many people slip after Rehab to think it does much good on a deep level.

Try to look at this as a new beginning of your life instead of worrying about "why me?"

Last edited by Administrator; 02-28-2013 at 10:01 AM.

 
Old 03-10-2013, 07:20 AM   #10
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Re: Hello, my name is monica and i'm an alcoholic!

Quote:
Originally Posted by monicha View Post
I can't stop crying....why is this happening to me? My siblings, parents are completely fine, no addiction.

When did this happen?
Hello monicha and welcome.

You.my dear,are a victim of circumstance.

It's not your fault or necessarily anything you did......
you just have a predisposition towards alcohol.
At this point,it has become a biological reaction to the beverage.

I pray that you can be guided by the thoughtful responses presented here......

You are well worth the effort.

Respectfully

Phoenix
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Old 06-12-2013, 02:10 AM   #11
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Re: Hello, my name is monica and i'm an alcoholic!

Hi, Monica...First of all I'd like to say you just have Gamma type of alcoholism...It means you can not drink long time, but after one day you will drink till balck out as you said....But you should know that there is other type of alcoholism, called french type....Mostly, people suffer from this silent monster rather than your, french type is when people can't stand without drink maybe even a day or 2... but they drink it moderately, do not cause very often problems or fights... but it doesn't change the fact they are also alcoholic....I wrote it coz I know how it's feel like, coz I have the same issue...Gamma type... You have been writing about yourself, but I felt like you write about me, it's exact feeling as you said, next day feeling shame, looking for if you did something wrong or text or called talked crap to people...I had the same....I mean I still have this problem, but i learnt to control myself....it's very hard....I know how you feel...you can't live with alcohol at all, and can't live without too.... AA program is very good, unfortunately in my country we don;t have this opportunity... and it's considered muslim country. so it's generally considered we dont have alcoholics at all, and if you are girl and alcoholic... Gosh it's the end of your reputation. I really hear you, so I tell you go to AA and pass all those levels... But if you feel weak and one day you may want to drink, try not to, but if you couldn't stop yourself, put the limits for yourself, take less money with yourself to bar, or just try to control it, dont meet up with friends who drink a lot, avoid such places or never relax totally in such places and always keep in your mind that you are not just like others, you have problem and you should control it....If it doesnt work constantly, bring to your mind all shameful situations you had and feel that shame again and again...you will not want to go back there.... I really would like to hear about you and to get to know if you succeed in it, as you posted it February.... Your situation is very similar to mine... I'd like to keep in touch with you, we could support each other. Good Luck to you on this way....

 
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