Hi everyone. This is the first time I have posted on this board. I usually post other areas. I have a story that could get very long, but I don't want it to.
I am a recovering alcoholic, been sober for almost 2 years now. I am married to a man I've been with for 14 years (married for 7). We started out drinking together, and we went for many years drinking together. Classic codependents. When I decided to get sober, thank God, he went along with me, not drinking. He never said he would stop completely. I never asked him to. He did always say he wanted to "tone it down", especially for the sake of our child. Well, my problem is that he has been drinking behind my back for a while now. I don't even know how long. He tells me it's just one beer, and it's always when he comes home from work when he's putting his tools away in the garage. He does not get drunk at all. He's perfectly sane. But I know when he says one beer he is talking about those big beers that are more like 2 1/2. And he says he is not drinking in front of me because he knows what my reaction will be. It doesn't have anything to do with respect for my getting sober! Well, my reaction hasn't been too good when I smell it on his breath either. Oh my god, it's getting long.
My husband comes from a family of both parents serious alcoholics. His sister and brother are recovering alcoholics. He has one sister left who drinks, and so does he. So from the beginning a sense of normalcy was never there. When I try to talk to my husband, about anything that is bothering me, he doesn't want to listen. He runs from anything negative, classic alcoholic. He promised me, promises promises, that he will NEVER let his drinking get out of hand again. What I mean by out of hand is serious drinking that we did together. I'm surprised I never died actually, sometimes I would drink so much.
First of all, I would love to hear some support from people who have gone through this. And I was wondering what should I do. We have a 3 1/2 year old daughter and another on the way. I need to know should I let him carry on, and assume his promise to me will hold up even when I know the cycle of alcoholism? Should I not worry over a couple beers when he comes home from work, even though he has a bad drinking history? I know he might believe the words he's told me, but I know that even the best intentions get wrecked with this disease. I am so sad, I cry myself to sleep every night. I don't want our marriage to end. Our communication has gotten so bad, because I feel I can never tell him what I need. I am extra emotional because I am pregnant, but I don't think I am over exaggerating in this case. I think he has a lot of nerve to drink when I ask him not to, for the sake of our marriage, but then again, I know that for him it might be too hard. I know he loves me, and he doesn't want our marriage to end. I know we need counseling, but I can't even get him to acknowledge that there's a serious problem. He thinks I'm overreacting.
What I need now is support. I'm scared that this will get out of hand. My husband is a good man with some traits that are so bad. I would like to thank his MOTHER and FATHER for that. His dad is dead now, thanks to drinking Scotch every night. And his mom is still boozing it up. I hate his mom with a fury, and seeing her drinking is what finally made me get some help. I will not let myself get emotionally unattached like she did. I used to like his mom, and I tried to tell everyone that she has a disease, and she can't help it. Well, now I want to protect my daughter. The last time she came to visit, she stunk so bad of alcohol I wanted to kick her out. And the time will come when I will tell her, thanks for not being there for my husband when he was growing up. Thanks for giving him a false sense of reality. But I know she'll probably die before I can tell her how hurtful she has been to my husband, his brother and sisters, and now me. I know blame isn't healthy. I know it's a disease. But I can't stand people who won't even be honest with themselves. I really want to get over this, but my job in life is to protect my daughter, myself, and the baby on the way. If my husband isn't willing to listen to a word I say, whether or not he's drinking, I will have to do what I said I would never do. Leave. I really really need some friendly words of advice. Please don't tell me to leave him now because he will never change. I don't need anything stressing me out more than I already have been. I am pregnant and I need some happiness. Thank you for reading this long post. I just needed to vent and hear from some of you in similar situations.
I haven't been to AA in a long time. In this case do you think I should go to AA or alanon for support? Because I'm an x-drinker? Thanks again.
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Molly H.
[This message has been edited by Molly M (edited 02-28-2002).]
Well Molly, I am so sorry that you are living in that kind of situation. I know it is so difficult to leave the person you love and who you have spent time with, and have children with, that you start rationalizing for them. Have you ever tried a support group like A.A. or N.A.? There are several people that have walked through what you are going through and are fairly happy. They don't try to find blame in anyone, for someone's behavior. You have to accept that it is the disease of addiction or alcoholism and understand that it is your husbands choice to drink and probably right now he is just not ready to stop no matter what the consequences. Also I learned in N.A. that I shouldn't put expectations on anyone. My recovery is my responsibility. I have family members that still like to drink on special occassions or bar-b-ques, etc. If I get uncomfortable, I have the choice to leave. I don't say "the nerve of them!" It isn't their responsibility to keep me happy and in recovery, it is mine. I also don't look for happiness outside of myself. I try to "live" the serenity prayer. It works for me. You are so committed to this relationship and that is saying alot. Many people would have bailed by now, but it also takes alot of hard work to stay in a relationship when one person is using and the other is trying to stay clean. That is why I asked if you have tried any kind of support program to share this at meetings?
hey also, I forgot to mention that just on this board alone, there is a person that is named "Natema" that has a story that you wil relate to, and she suggests Al-anon that helped her. You may want to direct a question to her on this board or read her story entitled "I'm In Love With an Addict"
I am so sorry to hear your pain- you must be so very torn. I too am in recovery - cocaine and alchohol. I too was married to an addict - who quit with me, used with me, quit with me, etc. We have been divorced for 7 years now after 8 years of marriage and 2 children. My problem got so bad that my kids asked to go live with their Dad and I lost custody. I now have custody of our daughter - who is 14, by her choice, my son is in Vermont where his Dad and wife recently moved and is very happy there - I see him every other weekend, vacations and all summer. I am now engaged to a wonderful man who is not a substance abuser or alchoholic. So I have been on both ends.
It is very hard to be an alchoholic and very hard to be in love with one. Been on both ends of that too! From my perspective of being one, my future husband stood by me through some very tough times - 5 years worth, he supports my efforts to stay sober - SO MUCH. He will tolerate it if I were to relapse again - it has happened to me twice (after 2 years of trying to get sober in the first place - both times when I stoppped going to meetings.) I on the other hand, was conned and lied to by my former husband, and finally left him. End of story. He is not is recovery, I don't know if he has used since our divorce - his life has not become unmanageable that I can see, but who knows.
Get back to AA. AND.. go to Alanon. You can do both, of course!! What you need right now is support - you will get what you need at both. Tell your husband how you feel. YOur scared, he has responsibilities and so do you. I honestly feel that you may be an "ex-drinker" but you will always be an alchoholic. It's a mind thing. My children are 3 1/2 years apart too - I didn't drink or use drugs during that period of time either I put myself second to my babies - but sooner or later it catches up to you - it is a progressive disease. You are just a ticking time bomb - and you DONT want to start drinking again, I'm sure. Take care of you own self, then those babies, and then you will be strong enough to deal with your husband. But seriously, you NEED the support you will get from the program - I am sure you have had a taste of it. Go to a meeting, when that ask if there is someone new or coming back, raise your hand as simply state your case. You will get the help you need.
Good luck to you - this board is always here for you.
Thanks for your replies. I appreciate the support. To answer a question, yes I have been to AA. I found it VERY helpful at first. I luckily have the support of both my parents who helped me. I don't feel that I need to go for my own drinking problem. I made up my mind not to drink and I know in my heart I will never drink again. I will look up some alanon groups around here. And I know it sounds stupid to say "my husband has the nerve to drink when I ask him not to". I know he's not capable of stopping until he makes the decision. I just feel like he is really betraying me, not because of the ACT OF DRINKING, but the act of hiding it, lying about how much, and telling me there's no problem. He's forcing me to pick up the pieces of my emotional wreckage and continue to be a happy, healthy mom for our daughter. It's very hard for me to hide how I feel. I was brought up in a very loving, respectful, non alcoholic family. We listened to eachother, we hurt for eachother if something was wrong. My husband grew up in a sarcastic hell hole where there was no respect at all for anyone. My husband is a great person deep down. And very emotional. But when it's emotions that are not so good, like his wife's saddness, he will not hear it. It must hurt him too much to know that he's hurting me. He'd rather run and hide than face the truth.
I'm rambling again.
I have another thing to ask. I have heard of this theory that alcoholics don't have to stop drinking completely to maintain a healthy, functional life. It's a theory that as long as they keep in within reason, they will be ok. I'm not kidding, or making it up. I saw a show on it on some evening magazing program. I personally don't agree with this, but I'd love to know any differently. I would love to let my husband drink his 2 beers everyday without worrying. That is like an answer to my prayers. Anyway, I think it might work for some, but not most.
I have to say that alcohol is a horrible poison. The smell of it on my husband's breath makes me cringe, reminding me of all the times I got in trouble, and him. I don't mind it on other people's breath, non-alcoholics that is. I can deal with anyone who is not an alcoholic drinking in front of me.
Anyway, thanks for your words of wisdom and thoughts. I will look for support so I can understand how I can maintain a healthy life for myself and my children. I won't leave my husband until we've tried everything. The problem is, I think he would rather leave than try anything. That's how different we are right now.
Need Support!! Husband is drinking. 
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