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Old 03-26-2013, 06:04 AM   #1
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My husband still disapproves of me.

Hey everyone. I'm an alcoholic, sober 5 months now and attending AA meetings regularly which is going great. I love the meetings but I wish the rest of my life could be as encouraging and supportive as it is there... yeah I know it can never be that way in the real world outside that cocoon of meetings but it sure would be nice.

My problem that I want to bring up is with my husband and his family. I feel that my husband does not forgive me for my drinking and perhaps never will, and part of the reason is because his mother and siblings think he should have divorced me when it became clear that I had a problem with alcohol. We have been married two years but apparently this has not been enough time for them to be convinced it will last.

Since I went into treatment (detox and then rehab), his mom and sisters have been saying he should not stay with me. Even back when we first got serious which was around 5 years ago, I felt they did not think I was good enough for him. They would say things like, they were "concerned" about the fact that I don't come from a "good family" and was not brought up with religion the way they raised him.

I can't tell if I am just being paranoid or if this is a serious issue. I want to think he will get past the drinking problem with time, as long as I stay sober. However I am worried that his family will influence him to believe I am no good, and they will use the alcohol addiction to add credibility to this claim.

Any advice? I would so appreciate it.

Thanks!
Kayla

 
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Old 03-26-2013, 11:27 AM   #2
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Re: My husband still disapproves of me.

Hello Kayla and welcome.

This is a most unfortunate situation.

In times like this,you hope for the best but prepare for the worse.

What was done is done and if they don't want to or can't see past previous events,then it's a testament to their lack of resolve.

If you have serious concerns,voice them to your husband.
After all,the two of you took vows(better or worse.....) which should be taken seriously.

Please realize that there will be some that will be receptive to the new and improved you and other's won't.....

Trying to please everyone is admirable but an impossible task.

Work your program and try not to allow anyone to devalue what is priceless;your sobriety.

Respectfully
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Last edited by Phoenix; 03-26-2013 at 12:03 PM.

 
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Old 03-26-2013, 11:53 AM   #3
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Re: My husband still disapproves of me.

Great response, as always, Phoenix.

Kayla, congratulations on your sobriety, that is AWESOME!!!!

Unfortunately we cannot make others like us and there are repurcussions to any addiction. I am sorry that your extended family is so judgmental, but they love their son (etc) and don't want him to be hurt. I hope that your husband can tell them that he loves you and wants their support in uplifting you in your sobriety. At very least, you need to have a conversation with him about it. DO NOT allow their judgment to shame you. You are doing marvelously. Stay strong and carry on, honey.

 
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Old 03-26-2013, 12:26 PM   #4
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Re: My husband still disapproves of me.

Thanks very much Phoenix and sweetpotato13. I know my sobriety is really the most important thing for me and I will never let anything get in the way of maintaining it, because I have enough going on in my own head to put me in jeopardy.. why add anything else right?

I love my husband more than anything. We have talked about this whole family thing but it's such a difficult subject, as I'm sure you can understand. He seems conflicted and uncertain about who he wants to support first, but ideally he won't have to take sides. I know it's very hard for him too because he feels torn between me and them.

Thank you again for your responses. I'll keep you updated. xoxo Kayla

 
Old 03-26-2013, 07:51 PM   #5
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Re: My husband still disapproves of me.

Your husband's attitude, and the timing of it makes me wonder if he was happier when you drank, as in a bit of codependency, maybe. Don't buy into the "forgiveness" thing, it is making you feel responsible for his feelings, which you are not. In fact, put him and his family (ugh) on the back burner while you rebuild yourself and your health. Do it for you!
Cheers, Sera

 
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Old 03-27-2013, 04:54 AM   #6
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Re: My husband still disapproves of me.

Thanks Sera. I do think there is some codependency going on, but isn't that typical for loved ones of addicts?

I agree that forgiveness is a bit of a loaded concept right now for us and it is maybe something I don't want to get mixed up in right now.

 
Old 03-28-2013, 09:27 AM   #7
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Re: My husband still disapproves of me.

Hi there~
I just caught this post and wanted to hop on here and say I'll be praying that your husband and his family will be more supportive of you. But, congratulations on staying sober this long! I know this is a tough battle, but keep at it! And, I'm not sure if your husband would be open to this or not, but it may not hurt for the two of you to consider some marital counseling. It's a good way to get your frustrations out in the open, and work through any issues you both are dealing with. So, I would highly encourage you to pursue that if possible. I'm sure a counselor could help you both learn better ways to deal with your extended family-and perhaps set up some boundaries with them as well. Just a thought! Well, know that someone out there is thinking of you!

 
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Old 03-30-2013, 03:29 AM   #8
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Re: My husband still disapproves of me.

Thank you, canary12. I've suggested couples counseling to him a few times but so far it hasn't happened. I suppose I could just make an appointment with somebody for us both, and then if he wasn't able to make it I could use the time for myself right?

 
Old 04-01-2013, 05:48 PM   #9
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Re: My husband still disapproves of me.

That definitely sounds like a great plan! It never hurts to get a little counseling for yourself. and I'm sure they could give you some tips on responding to your husband's attitude. Keep us posted!

 
Old 04-01-2013, 05:54 PM   #10
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Re: My husband still disapproves of me.

A quick update: today I talked to one of his sisters on the phone. The conversation started out very nice. She told me a couple of cute funny stories about her kids, which I enjoyed. But it got weird when the topic turned to us (me and my husband) and the question of what we are planning as far as having kids, and how we plan to raise them.

We do want kids but so far have not been ready. I think this is none of her business anyway. I hate how every interaction I have with these people ends up going wrong somehow, I never feel like I've said the right thing. Whatever that is! I wish I could opt out.

 
Old 04-02-2013, 12:24 AM   #11
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Re: My husband still disapproves of me.

kaylalala,

Please realize that you cannot change other people;only your reaction towards them.

Some people you have to feed with a long-handled spoon and others approach with a pole of greater than ten feet.

Hope for the best and prepare for the worse at the same time.
This way you'll be ahead of the family politics.

Respectfully
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Last edited by Phoenix; 04-02-2013 at 12:25 AM.

 
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Old 04-02-2013, 09:16 PM   #12
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Re: My husband still disapproves of me.

Thanks Phoenix, I know what you say is true but I think I have some kind of control thing where I want people to act the way I think they should.

My father is an alcoholic also so I grew up judging his behavior, but then I ended up acting just like him. I'm trying to learn patience and humility in AA because I know that's what I need to do. And, possibly I need some counseling to deal with my PTSD and shame issues.

 
Old 04-03-2013, 01:45 AM   #13
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Re: My husband still disapproves of me.

kaylalala,

You have a good head on your shoulders.
Explore every possible option afforded to you.

The journey from point A to B begins way before the first step is taken;preparation is key.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Last edited by Phoenix; 04-03-2013 at 01:47 AM.

 
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Old 04-04-2013, 03:02 PM   #14
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Re: My husband still disapproves of me.

People say that to me a lot, about how I'm sensible and have a good head on my shoulders. I feel like it isn't true though because if it were, I would not have got into this whole mess in the first place.

 
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Old 04-04-2013, 11:20 PM   #15
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Re: My husband still disapproves of me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kaylalala View Post
People say that to me a lot, about how I'm sensible and have a good head on my shoulders. I feel like it isn't true though because if it were, I would not have got into this whole mess in the first place.
Kaylalala,

When enough people say the same thing to you,rest assured they're onto something.

Believe in yourself,like we believe in you.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Last edited by Phoenix; 04-04-2013 at 11:21 PM.

 
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