I have never posted here before. To introduce myself, I am 35, female.. I come from a long line of alcoholics and addicts including my father and several siblings, so I am no stranger to it. One of my family members actually died from snorting pills They got a lung disease and basically choked to death. Anyhow, I have always been the super responsible health food nut of the family. Well, last year, I delivered a stillborn baby and a few months after, my significant other cheated on me and kicked me out of the house. Around the same time, I was prescribed Norco for short term pain I was experiencing. I keep taking it, one almost every night. I am so depressed, and it makes me actually feel happy. I know that it is fake happiness, but I am just struggling right now. I drink some wine with it and feel perfect. I don't see myself ever being actually happy again because my baby will never come back. This seems like my only way. or drinking, but I hate hangovers. I force myself to take only one because I am afraid of what can happen, I have seen the worst of addiction in my loved ones. But I'm scared because it is soooo good, I feel so happy again. I am in therapy for what happened with my baby, so I am trying to do the right thing, but it is just so devastating. I am thinking already of how to get more and I feel like a bad person. *sigh* has anyone here lost a beloved child or family member and just spiraled and grasped for anything they could find to numb the pain?
Yes, and it was the worst possible way to deal with it. What would be so much better for you would be an antidepressant. They are not addictive and can be taken as long as you need it, then tapered off. I would definitely continue with your therapist as well, and be honest with him/her about the drinking and drug use. Most therapists have a psychiatrist they work with for clients who need medication. Once the antidepressant kicks in, you will feel better and feel less of a need to self medicate to ease the pain. You can be happy again, but you have suffered a terrible loss, and it takes a long time to grieve and heal. You have genes that will pull you down the slippery slope of addiction, so you need to make a change now before it goes any further. Anti-depressants can be very helpful when needed, and will steer you away from needing the dangerous stuff that will just make you more miserable in the long run. You need to picture yourself as the strong responsible health food nut, and get back on track so happiness can be in your future. You are truly at a fork in the road toward your future. Please choose the right path.
Welcome to the board. :-) While we initially meet here under adverse conditions, it is a wonderful place to find support and help.
I think ladybud has given some great advice here. Good idea to heed it.
Inside every addict of every kind is some grief, loss, heartache or issue that just seems too hard to face. We try and hide it by zoning out on a drug or alcohol. However, eventually it will fail us and we spiral down into total addiction and depression. Until we face the hurt head on and learn to deal with it with better coping mechanisms, we stay stuck in an unhappy and unproductive place in our lives.
Can we get out of the cycle. We sure can! There is every reason for you to know you can feel joy and happiness in your life again. I also suffered through major losses. I began to abuse my pain meds, using them for emotional pain as well as physical. I spiraled down so low into clinical depression that I didn't think I would ever know what is was like again to smile, to laugh, to participate in life again. However, I do and a restored life is waiting for you also.
In working with a clinical social worker, I came to understand my grief. Biggest problem was that I had never truly grieved... and just didn't know how to do it. With her help, I learned. It was hard, it was painful. I cried, I wailed, I was angry and hurt. When I finally allowed myself to FEEL all those feelings, my road to recovery truly began. I learned that I must accept Life on Life's terms. I may not like some things, but I have better skills now to handle those things.
To lose your baby, to be thrown out... I am so sorry you are suffering from the pain of these things. They are terrible things to have happen. They will always be a part of who we are. However, your life is going to go on because we have no choice in that. What we do have choice in is how we handle these griefs and hurts. For most of us, we need professional help to learn the needed skills.
It is great step that you are seeing a therapist. As ladybud suggested, a psychiatrist's job is to provide the medical support you might very well need in the form of an anti-depressant. I also suggest very gently that you get up front and honest with your therapist about the Norco. Using it to self-medicate for anguish is not what its intended purpose is. You are a brave and smart young woman to see yourself in a perilous position right now and reaching out for help.
Stick around with us and let us know how things are going.
With gentle hugs
PS... and I do not think you are a bad person in the least. I think you are a woman in grief about her baby and her relationship and struggling to learn how to live with it.