How Do You Mend??? - Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Risky Business · 03-09-2003, 01:25 PM

Dear Members: Before I start...I am 42 and during my adoleslet years the bee gees were in stlye or invogue...whatever???

I remember asking myself way back then as the song would go...ho do you mend a broken man, how can you you start to live again?....Please tell me how to mend this broken heart?....and let me live again.

My point is pain...intractable, phycological, whatever pain that invades our hearts, our perverbial hearts is or can be a powerful thing. It sure has in my life.

I seek no sympathy. We all have problems. Some worse than others. I just search my soul to understand how for example have a father that I have had no contact with in over 4 years...and the years before that was disturbing.

Probably because my mother left him and he had no capacity to be a father. O)r maybe I make excuses for his disrespect. I love my father and family because I feel that famalies are the basis of stability.

After many years of counceling, I have been told that I am hurting myself by allowing my hopes that I will have a normal family will never happen. The weird part is I know that it's true.

But how do I pretend I have no parents when I do. I have tried and tried. We all live in diffent states and it bothers me that my family never calls me even though they have been given notice I am dying.

I will not share why I am dying except it is mostly thru no fault and then partly my reckless ingestion of tylenol...which I found out poisons the liver and kidneys.

I suppose I am venting. I appreciate you all allowing me to cry, to allow my body weep. I am truly saddened by this. Yet, I know there are many who are worse and have silmilar situations. Please pardon my post if I have by some chance offended anyone.

Its a simple question but the hardest answer for me. How can your blood family not love you or even worse pretend you do not exist. If some out there has any answers, I would be grateful.

Blessings to all,

Risky Business

PS-- For those who may wonder and be Christians, I do acknowledge God as my heavenly father and relish the fact that I believe in a higher power...Namely God. I also respect all religions.

[This message has been edited by Risky Business (edited 03-09-2003).]

GinaLee · 03-09-2003, 05:58 PM

Risky,
I too am 42 and I also lost the family "unit". It was hard for me to accept. My father left in 1973 and I didn't see him again until 1988. I do understand your heartache... we all wish our parents could have stayed together.

Why do you feel like you have to pretend you have no parents? You have parents...we all do; their togetherness has nothing to do with us as their children.

I gave birth to my second child in 1998 and my father has yet to acknowledge him (or me). It does hurt; it hurts deeply.

I have learned to take on this as my reasoning of people and my psycho philosophy: You either love me or you don't... I am what I am and I cannot be your imagined version of what you think I should be.

Darlin' I don't know what you are going through but I do understand the pain of losing family members. My older sister just never accepted me for me. She stopped talking to me in 1995 because I brought coffee and the equipment and anything you could want in your coffee to my grandmother's dying hospital room. We (my family) were there 24 hours a day in shifts so that she would not die alone. For some reason; my sister hated me since then because I brought coffee... go figure...

You can't look for answers as to why the people who should love you unconditionally...don't. I have always been the one of the four children in my family to come to the aid/rescue of my mother... she could never count on the others...never. Yet they are the ones that she has unconditional love for... it makes no sense to me... in fact it hurts like hell. But what do I do?

I can't change people... I can only change me and my thoughts and my feelings.

I wish I could figure out how to say something that could comfort you; but I don't think I have succeeded or even could. But know this: there is a stranger out here in cyberland that understands and cares about you... she really does.

And... I wouldn't care if your pain was the most minimal out there...it is still something that hurts and you have a right to your feelings. Don't apologize for them.

------------------
Gina

Risky Business · 03-10-2003, 08:21 AM

Thank You Dearest Gina: I will always appreciate your kindness and words, Risky Business

aideen · 03-10-2003, 03:06 PM

Hi there!
I think that people cut off from their family members when they themselves are hurting. They can't face dealing with their own problems and perhaps having contact with you, brings up many issues for them that they are too scared to face.
I was just talking about something similar with a friend of mine. She is a recovering alcoholic and some of her family won't talk to her even though she has written letters of apology to them. She was deeply hurt by this as she is a person like anyone else but the years of pain and anger have made her family build up walls too high for her to climb. Being the problem in the family meant everything got dumped on her - same with my own boyfriend - a lot of which has nothing to do with them at all. Being angry with someone else, especially when they accept the anger as being justified like an alcoholic tends to do when remorsefully sober, shields the individual from looking at their own problems.
This friend later said that her brother had a son who has been arrested for possession of drugs, so for this brother to forgive her and show understanding and compassion, means also he has to look at his own behaviour with his son.
People are very complex - don't take on their hurt and anger as something you should feel guilty for. It is probably a lot more to do with themselves than with you, even if they don't realise this. With time, perhaps they will.
I have decided, as far as my father is concerned, I am going to leave my walls built! He drank up until 3-4 years ago (he's now 63) and now "drops" into my life with a christmas present or two. He was never interested in me as a child when I needed him and doesn't accept responsibility for this. He still turns all blame on my mother (who was left to raise 5 children without his help). The reason I don't want any relationship is because I don't feel, it would bring me much. He is very selfish, even now, and still full of anger and resentment towards my mother.
I hope this helps you understand more about why your family may not want contact. We all have our own problems that we must deal with. It is hurtful to lose someone you love but sometimes it is necessary for your own health and happiness to let go. Not everyone wants to grow.

Risky Business · 03-10-2003, 04:48 PM

Aideen: Yes, I do understand why some of us may face very painful circumstances. Also, just by reading your posts, I feel we have some things in common.

Yet, I do appreciate your kind support and help. I never had the privilrgr of haing even an occassional Christmas solicitation.

I surely do mean that you have or do not hurt as bad as I. Some of us have traveled roads that may never be traveled by many. Fellowship has it's privileges and heartaches.

The short time I have been on this board, I have found friends that are friends without identity. That's ok. The spirit we have will bring our yearning hearts and support together.

Of course I just speak from former experiences. Genuine is the hearts that know each other by anonymity. I appreciate all of you.

May you all be blessed and be strong as we try to overcome. Thanks all, Risky Business

[This message has been edited by Risky Business (edited 03-10-2003).]