For RiskyBusiness and Other's Alike - Addiction & Recovery Message Board

GinaLee · 03-15-2003, 01:16 PM

This is a "double-post". This is the same post as my response to Blueskies "hydrocodone" topic. I am making this a new topic because I just feel that maybe it would benefit... or maybe make some of you think.

Risky,
I am trying so hard to piece all of the information you have given us to formulate an answer that I would hope is right for you.
I believe you when you say you are in pain. I also see that you have a subconscious difficulty with using the meds to ease your pain. Why?

I'm not a big fan of pain meds...I take them until I don't need them anymore in any given situation…except for time in my life:

I had an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy in 1986; it was devastating emotionally to say the least. My emotional pain was so intense that my physical pain was over-exaggerated. I took the pain meds because they were helpful in keeping me asleep most of the time. It helped me to escape from the emotions of losing my would-be first born. The side-effects became a nightmare…mostly the constipation that followed the high dosage. It took me two weeks longer than it should have in my recovery from the surgery…and even longer to get my bowel-cycle back in regular intervals. The pain of THAT was way worse than the pain of the incision.

I learned my lesson on that one big time. Since then, I have had two caesarian sections and two back surgeries; I was hugely frugal with what I would allow for pain. I couldn’t stand the thought of going through the added pain that I brought on myself with the ectopic surgery.

I am eligible for pain meds now for my ongoing nerve damage but I have refused them. The intense painful times that I go through are intermittent and short-lived. I am so used to the normal ongoing pain that is always there, that I hardly even notice it anymore (I can’t believe I just said that!). The intermittent pain, however, is at best debilitating but I don’t see the need to medicate those episodes. I am more interested in finding my way to the source of the pain than to just medicate it.

Risky, I want so much to really understand what you are going through. It definitely does not smack of “quality” living. How much of it is self-induced? Go deep inside and find your answers and then act on them--- screw the missing family --- do this for you and find out what it will take to bring you back home to you.

Miss Drunk here has received the two books I just ordered a few daze ago! Oh man! I wasn’t expecting them until at least next weekend! But, they are here and I have promised myself I won’t ignore them. I WILL work on my recovery; damn it; I’m going to succeed too. I am going to die if I don’t.

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Gina

Risky Business · 03-15-2003, 02:06 PM

Thanks Gina: I can clear some of things up. It is strongly my belief that since I have not given a clear physical history of how my conditions affect me, that maybe some may believe I am trying to self-medicate for my emotional pain. I do not.

Please understand if possible that I know there is a huge difference as far as requiring pain meds based on emotional pain. It's very difficult for me to explain.....

Yet, what may be happening is I am leaving so many missing pieces of the puzzle of my life especially the physical pain diagnosis's that I am confusing you wonderful members.

I apologize for that and I lately sometimes have a very difficult time with words. I suppose you are so right Gina because I do feel somewhat quilty for taking meds. Why???

Several reasons. The stigma of what some perceive as addiction versus dependency. Next, I have always seemed to overcome adversity most my life but since some bad discs, bone spurs, torn rotator cuff, low back pain, plus several more things.....

I found I could not overcome those without medical help and meds. As for my family issues, I went to counseling for at least 5 years and have taken mostly xanax, and suprisingly I get very upset not depressed. I know that must sound odd. I guess I can say my BP goes sky high and I hyperventilate.

So....I think in short that because my physical health has deteriorated...to the point of being life threatening, I do mix feelings and those diturbing, very disturbing family things I probably will never overcome.

I frequently have night terrors and they are so real but the dreams are that my diturbing life was a dream and in them I have a normal family....so it's brings back all those feelings. I have prayed not to have those/these dreams.

Wow! No wonder you cannot understand. Who possibly could? I just re-read what I posted and it's a mess. I will post more if I do not offend anyone. Seems I have withdrawn from everything since all of my health problems---up until I joined this board. I need you all. So I am a sentimental person...I am not ashamed of that. Gina and others I appreciate you caring to be aware that I am a people person. Thanks.

That's why I searched and wish to be a part of this board or at least some members ....it's helps me in ways that I cannot explain. I do have everyone's best interst at heart. I am a good person.

I appreciate the honesty and helping me at this point in my life. I will keep in touch, Sincerely,

Risky Business

[This message has been edited by Risky Business (edited 03-15-2003).]

GinaLee · 03-15-2003, 02:31 PM

Ahhhh!!! Risky, that's why this board was invented. You've come so far. You have so much to give to us all and I am glad you are here.
You know what tho? I have yet to figure out if you are a man or a woman! My gut says you are female... but I really don't know!!!

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Gina

Risky Business · 03-15-2003, 03:20 PM

I am a 42 year old Man: Who has experienced a great youth with no health problems to be brought to my knees with the past few years.

I would like to say that there are several Risky Business online from what I have heard...some female some male.

Gina and others, I feel good about my looks(nobody may look good sick).I become stricken with illness as I have expressed.

There are so many good-natured, good hearted members on here. I wish I could post my pics and vice-versa. However, I do trust my instincts,

I love inqiring minds, don't we all?? LOL,

Risky Business

GinaLee · 03-15-2003, 03:28 PM

Well Risky!!!

Doesn't that revelation just take my gut instincts and toss them deep into the trash!

Given your name I had initial thoughts that you were a man...but you are so feeling and sentimental that I decided you had to be female. Nice to see the gentle side of a man for a change.

Don't you dare leave us! I'm sure you are just gorgeous... Hey, I ain't too bad myself! But it's you that has brought so many of us to care about you...sight unseen.

Also... #1Texan and I have formed our own little alliance known as texanvirginian, feel free to join us.

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Gina

[This message has been edited by GinaLee (edited 03-15-2003).]