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Old 06-01-2005, 01:39 PM   #1
EoR EoR is offline
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Angry Anger is out of control...

I hate posting this, because I'm usually a very nice person, and I don't want anyone to think I'm a terrible monster...though I've felt like one lately. I don't know what it is, but for some reason, the irritability/angry/annoyed aspect of my depsression has been overwhelming for the past few days. I guess it started sometime over the weekend. I have just felt incredibly angry about... well, just about everything. There were a few incidents that I got really out of control. On Memorial Day, we planned a nice picnic up in the mountains. While my boyfriend was grilling the steak, I took my daughter and my 2 yo son for a walk on a trail. My son kept trying to run into the brush, so I used the back of his shirt to hold on to him. He was so upset that he couldn't have the freedom he wanted, that he threw tantrums the entire time we were walking, and I ended up having to carry him most of the way. By the time we returned to the picnic area, I was shaking and in a full rage. I spanked my son hard (and I rarely spank him, let alone hard), and I screamed to my boyfriend that I was about ready to throw him (my son) over a cliff. Of course, I would NEVER EVER harm him like that. The anger was scary to my boyfriend and daughter, and it was scary to me, too. I know that under "normal" circumstances, I may have felt a bit annoyed at the situation, but I would've reacted much more calmly. Another incident involved our 4 month old puppy. Lately, he's been chewing up anything he can get his mouth on. I had caught him chewing up the hose, and I yelled at him and chased him inside, under a table. When he was under it, I kicked his dog bed at him, and he growled at me. That sent me into a full tizzy. I got a broom stick and started banging the table above him, yelling terrible things. I even said, "If you growl at me again, I'll kill you!" Again, this behavior wasn't normal, and again, I felt terrible about it (AND I'd never kill anyone or anything other than a bug!) I was shocked to find my daughter outside crying. She asked me if I was really going to kill Shiloh (the dog), and I just about wanted to kill myself right then and there. I hate this beast. I don't feel like I can control it. I don't even feel like I'm the same person when I go into these "spells." I can't explain it, it's like being posessed. I have been this way at least since my early teens. When I was a freshman in highschool, I kicked a window at school and shattered it. When I was 15 or so, I self mutliated (beyond cutting--burning and self piercing), in anger. There have been lots of outbursts.

When these things are over with, and I'm calm again, I feel suicidal. That person is NOT me. That is NOT who I am. That is NOT what I want to represent. I HATE that person. I want that person DEAD.

It took a lot of courage for me to post this here, and I did so because I need help. Please, please, please, no guilt trips--that'll send me to the edge. I promise, I already feel horrible enough. No lectures about how I can control this. I can't control my feelings of anger anymore than I control my feelings of depression. I know I can choose how I react in the anger, but my actions are almost always over and done with before I've even realized what's happened. I don't think anger management classes are what will help--like I said, this isn't normal behavior. I'm not an angry person the majority of the time. I genuinely think I've put my past behind me, and I don't think I have pent up anger about that. I'm guessing that whatever makes me depressed is also what makes me angry, and if there's something I can do about that, I'd just about give my life. I need to be me again. I need to regain control. Please help?

-EoR
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Last edited by EoR; 06-01-2005 at 01:48 PM.

 
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Old 06-01-2005, 02:03 PM   #2
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Re: Anger is out of control...

Hi EoR,
Long time no speak, hun! I'm sorry to hear that things haven't been going so well lately. I don't remember, but do you have a counselor or therapist that you see? If so, I would strongly suggest mentioning these incidents to him/her. If anger management classes aren't an option for you, at least you should talk this through with someone who is a professional and knows how to handle it better than anyone on the boards could. Not to say that we aren't here for support and help, just that I know I'm not a professional and don't know the perfect answer to give you. Just talk to your doctor and see what s/he has to say. I'm sure there's some sort of calming process you can do before you blow up and get angry. If not, just try taking a few deep breaths and focusing your mind and rationalizing things to yourself. Ask yourself if it's worth getting yourself into a tizzy over. Most of the time it probably won't be. But if you do, just know that everyone is here to support you and unless you actually strike one of your children or dog, you are doing nothing wrong, just letting off a little extra steam. Remember that I'm always here for you and even though I may not know exactly what to say, I do what I can and I truly do care. Please keep me updated and let me know how you're doing!
Much love,
Mermaid

 
Old 06-01-2005, 02:17 PM   #3
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Re: Anger is out of control...

EoR:

I offer no advice cause if I knew how return to the person we were or should be, I'd have done it and would share it with you. Truth is, I had my own type of meltdown yesterday, and I feel like every time I take 2 steps forward, I then take 2 or 3 steps back. This depression thing is awful. I would echo your sentiment, although have my own traumas to deal with....

I do think that writing it out as you did has got to help a little, I've found writing out my feelings to be the only real release. I hate this every bit as much as you very well express that you do. I beg and plead God to please let me heal. And everyone else who has these issues...

 
Old 06-01-2005, 02:59 PM   #4
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Re: Anger is out of control...

Quote:
Originally Posted by MermaidMer
Hi EoR,
Long time no speak, hun! I'm sorry to hear that things haven't been going so well lately. I don't remember, but do you have a counselor or therapist that you see? If so, I would strongly suggest mentioning these incidents to him/her. If anger management classes aren't an option for you, at least you should talk this through with someone who is a professional and knows how to handle it better than anyone on the boards could. Not to say that we aren't here for support and help, just that I know I'm not a professional and don't know the perfect answer to give you. Just talk to your doctor and see what s/he has to say. I'm sure there's some sort of calming process you can do before you blow up and get angry. If not, just try taking a few deep breaths and focusing your mind and rationalizing things to yourself. Ask yourself if it's worth getting yourself into a tizzy over. Most of the time it probably won't be. But if you do, just know that everyone is here to support you and unless you actually strike one of your children or dog, you are doing nothing wrong, just letting off a little extra steam. Remember that I'm always here for you and even though I may not know exactly what to say, I do what I can and I truly do care. Please keep me updated and let me know how you're doing!
Much love,
Mermaid
Hey, sweetie. I've missed you. Hope all is going well with you.

I don't see a therapist or anyone else. My insurance won't cover it, I'm afraid, and I guess I'm not sure if it'll work or not, and they say if you don't believe it'll work, then it won't. I might try it someday. Usually, I just talk to my boyfriend, but he's at the point where he feels helpless and out of ideas, and I don't blame him. I know most of the things I get worked up about are trivial, and unworth it, but for whatever reason, once I've snapped--I've snapped. If I were to do the breathing and all, I think the anger would just build up inside. You want to hear something really stupid? I went to bed with my blood boiling over last night because a sexist jerk won Fear Factor. I mean, how crazy retarded is that? But, you're right--I do need some kind of help, because this anger is unhealthy and it emotionally hurts those around me. Thank you for not thinking I'm a bad person and turning me away. That means more than you can know. I was so afraid to post this, thinking people I cared for on here would hate me after this. I know I hate me after my episodes. Thank you so much for trying to understand.

Please keep us posted, too. We miss you. :x

Hugs & love,
EoR
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Last edited by EoR; 06-01-2005 at 03:13 PM.

 
Old 06-01-2005, 03:08 PM   #5
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Re: Anger is out of control...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astroboy529
EoR:

I offer no advice cause if I knew how return to the person we were or should be, I'd have done it and would share it with you. Truth is, I had my own type of meltdown yesterday, and I feel like every time I take 2 steps forward, I then take 2 or 3 steps back. This depression thing is awful. I would echo your sentiment, although have my own traumas to deal with....

I do think that writing it out as you did has got to help a little, I've found writing out my feelings to be the only real release. I hate this every bit as much as you very well express that you do. I beg and plead God to please let me heal. And everyone else who has these issues...
I completely understand having nothing more to give than empathy and support. The thing about this forum, is that most of us are in the same boat trying to navigate the same choppy waters, and only a handful of us have actually figured out how to make it to dry land. I think I find the majority of my comfort here lies in being able to relate to others, and just having people out there that understand. It's a great relief. If you'd like to share about your meltdown, I'd be happy to listen.

Writing does help--a lot. I'd make a lot more personal posts, if I didn't for some reason feel that if I should be helping others here, but don't really deserve to be helped, myself. I could probably start a new thread every day. I know that I could keep a journal, but I don't think it would do much for me to write, but not be heard--if that makes sense. When I used to keep a journal, I always wrote in it hoping someone would read it. I'm just rambling, now, aren't I?

Thank you for your prayers... or your begging and pleading to God. Let's hope he hears you and answers.

Hugs,

EoR
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Old 06-01-2005, 03:42 PM   #6
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Re: Anger is out of control...

Quote:
Originally Posted by EoR
Hey, sweetie. I've missed you. Hope all is going well with you.

I don't see a therapist or anyone else. My insurance won't cover it, I'm afraid, and I guess I'm not sure if it'll work or not, and they say if you don't believe it'll work, then it won't. I might try it someday. Usually, I just talk to my boyfriend, but he's at the point where he feels helpless and out of ideas, and I don't blame him. I know most of the things I get worked up about are trivial, and unworth it, but for whatever reason, once I've snapped--I've snapped. If I were to do the breathing and all, I think the anger would just build up inside. You want to hear something really stupid? I went to bed with my blood boiling over last night because a sexist jerk won Fear Factor. I mean, how crazy retarded is that? But, you're right--I do need some kind of help, because this anger is unhealthy and it emotionally hurts those around me. Thank you for not thinking I'm a bad person and turning me away. That means more than you can know. I was so afraid to post this, thinking people I cared for on here would hate me after this. I know I hate me after my episodes. Thank you so much for trying to understand.

Please keep us posted, too. We miss you. :x

Hugs & love,
EoR
Hi hunny,
That's a shame that your insurance won't cover you to see a therapist. Do you go to a regular, general practitioner? Maybe there's something s/he can do or prescribe? But then again, aren't you into the whole natural remedy vitamin approach? So there goes my advice down the drain. I guess I'm like Astroboy then, and can only offer you my love and support.
As a side note, I am COMPLETELY obsessed with Fear Factor! It's my favorite show and I've been contemplating applying to go on the show. I'm also really mad because on the NBC website they're having an open casting call in Philly on the exact same day that I volunteered to babysit for my next door neighbors for the whole day and night. ARG! Anyway, what episode did you watch last night? I probably saw it because I watch all the reruns, was it the one where the arrogant, conceited guy named Stacy stole it away from the totally deserving girl? That made me really mad too.
Okay, I'm getting off topic. I love you and I only wish the best for you. Please let me know that you're doing ok! (Oh and if you want an update on me, read my reply to the thread "I screwed up my finals because of my depression" or something like that.) Be strong, little marshmallow!
Mermaid

 
Old 06-01-2005, 04:44 PM   #7
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Re: Anger is out of control...

Marshmallow! I love it. Lol. And, YES, it was Stacy! I couldn't believe his attitude. I was sure that Karma wouldn't allow him to win, but it did, and I felt SO bad for that girl, who I had been rooting for all the way. Freakin' Stacy. "I'm not trying to be sexist, but I'd be happy if these women were back at home baking apple pie." No, you're not trying to be sexist, you just are! You are SO brave to even think about applying for that show. I think I could deal with the stuff that's actually physically threatening, but I gag just from watching the stuff dealing with insects in the mouth. Let us know if you make it!

And I'll check out that thread for the update on you.

Hugs & mooshie stuff,
Marshmallow Eor
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Old 06-01-2005, 06:00 PM   #8
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Re: Anger is out of control...

Hi Eor
Hey sweetie! Why would you think we would think you are a terrible person? Girl...we all have our own demons. Anger is a very normal response and emotion. Somewhere, someone fed you that line of crap that was fed to me. Good girls don't get angry. Well, I for one do get angry and so does everyone else.

I know I have had situations that I would blow up and be out of control and it was scary to me. It is because I keep holding in the little things until it builds and builds and has to go somewhere. Something is going on with you right now and I don't know what it is. You probably would benefit from a journal. It may be that is what you need to start doing. You may gain a lot of insight into yourself by doing the journaling. It wouldn't hurt to give it a try.

It could be that the moon is in the seventh house of the tenth sun that makes light for the Saturn moon which turns the green grass blue. "Joking"!

Now that makes about as much sense as you thinking you are not worth starting a thread when you need to. You are human and you are a compassionate person. If you weren't compassionate, you wouldn't even care about the anger. You wouldn't even feel guilty about spanking your son. Your son needs disicipline. Children need to be corrected when they are doing wrong. If you don't show your children that you love them now, they will be hell when they are teenagers. You are not perfect! It is not possible! Learn to love yourself and let yourself make mistakes. When you make mistakes learn not to make the same ones again.

I am sending you many heartfelt hugs! Take care of yourself and let yourself feel those normal emotions. I love you and I want you to love yourself.

Best wishes,
Sam

 
Old 06-02-2005, 07:38 AM   #9
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Re: Anger is out of control...

Hi EoR ~ I can totally understand what you are saying ~ before I got on Lexapro a few years ago the same thing would happen to me, exactly what you are saying ~ I cant remember, are you on antidepressants? I've been reading some about how your body can get sort of immune to them after awhile, wondering if yours maybe isnt working as well for you anymore if you are taking one ~ ???
I've been weaing off the Lex since last week and everything was going fine til last night, I got so mad about my daughters messy room ~ while I was on the full dose of Lex I was so much less irritable, I wouldnt get all mad and yell about dumb stuff ~ but last night I was yelling and knew I didnt want to be but couldnt help it, I just felt sooo stressed ~ I can tell the difference from when I'm on the full dose of Lex ~ just wondering if it might be somthing similar for you ~ ???

 
Old 06-02-2005, 09:40 AM   #10
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Re: Anger is out of control...

EoR, please don't feel bad. I can so relate to what you say. I get anxious or depressed (not sure totally which one I suffer from) and I feel like I snap at everyone, especially my family. My daughter is going through some tough stuff right now and I feel like I am not being very supportive because I am so irritable. In fact, I worry I make it worse. I don't know about you, but the guilt I feel when I cool off is so strong! I swear I won't snap or say hurtful things and it just happens again. I have got to get a grip on this. Like campingirl said, my co-worker swears by lexapro. She says it has made her a different person...she can handle things better. I had tried lex, but stopped it because I was scared of weight gain and feeling tired. But now that I think about it, I'd rather be overweight or a little heavy and not be so mean! My dr. just gave me another sample packet of effexor xr, so I'm debating between that and the lex, or wellbutrin. Not sure if the wellbutrin would be good for me though. I'm pretty high strung. Just know I can understand how you feel and it takes a lot of guts to say that you know there is a problem. The old me was a really nice person...what happened?

 
Old 06-04-2005, 10:29 AM   #11
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Man Apart HB User
Re: Anger is out of control...

Anger is a product spawn from many different things. Fear, frustration, and yes, depression. Everyone has a boiling point. I have broken mirrors, Ive put holes in my wall, Ive gone outside and thrown bricks around the neighborhood, Ive took an axe once and just started chopping holes in the yard. It has to come out at some point. Too much inside to contain.

Your going to always experience outburst from time to time. But for the most part you can find other ways to exert your anger. Just like what you've done, writing about it. For me it has been more than helpful being able to just write. Even though I feel awful sometimes when people read the dark and extreme negative part of me constantly. But Id rather beat on this keyboard than on a table or a wall. Try to be aware of the build up. I dont care how strong a person is, everyone breaks at some point and its just even more difficult to control when your suffering from depression. When the pressure is getting to you find a way to rectify.

I know anytime I try to give advice its like the blind leading the half blind. Noone thinks bad of you. As you can see everyone understands. We've been there, alot of us. I have a very short fuse. I have very low patience for ignorace. I get agitated easy. I feel like Im always in a hurry even though I have nowhere to go. Depression seems to weaken the ability to deter from annoyances. I always have these feeling of, well I go through enough I dont need to go through this. Your not angry at your son or your dog. Your angry at other things in your life that are affecting you. Your probably at a high sensitivity level and your emotions are raw as meat. So just a touch of something will set you off. Talk to your boyfriend about it if you haven't already. I have a feeling he is a understanding man.

With children, that something I have absolutely no experience with. Because children will make a hundred mistakes a day. They have to, its the only way they learn not to. They will run around until they fall, they will make noises, they will put stuff in their mouth they have no business putting there. And as a parent you can't be a 24 hour filter. Despite being raped by a teacher, and being abused my certain family members, when I look back on my life, the worse abuse I ever received were from children. I know you are a perennial mother of the year canidate. You have a motherly charm about you. I know children always need the benefit of doubt when they do something wrong, cos most times they dont know its wrong I guess. I think being already in the position of expecting certain things and tendancies they have will better prepare you to handle the things they do. Invision the worst and try to get it out of your system. If you can try your very best to tune out the crying and the tantrums. Give them reasons for why you have to restrict some of their freedom. Try singing a song, or tickling him. Takign his mind off throwing tantrums and avoiding the build up inside you. Of course its easier said than done, but its the best advice a non parent can give.

Oh goodness, bad doggie. lol. Same thing with the puppy too. Your anger is a aberration from the depression your going through. A storm so to speak. Just like you said yourself, you normally conduct yourself calmly. Always keep that in mind and never feel like your a monster because a woman as compassionate and caring as you could not be any more far from that. Me on the other hand, well, I only look like a monster. Everyone knows who you really are and is always understanding to your break downs. Your children probably arent able to right now, but they will also. Btw, that is a really cute name, I like Shiloh.

Classes can help, but you can also do alot of little things yourself that can go a long way. Write, read books, nuture your spirit. Allow your tolerance to build. I know the pressure is hard. But every once and awhile the water breaks through a dam. Just build a stronger one next time. And NEVER lose sight of the kind, compassionate woman you truly are. You'll find your control again, but your always you regardless.

Last edited by Man Apart; 06-04-2005 at 10:32 AM.

 
Old 06-05-2005, 06:57 PM   #12
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Re: Anger is out of control...

Thanks to everyone. I feel so much better after reading all the replies. I really want to thank each of you individually and relate how your specific post helped me, but I'm feeling so sick today... almost psychotically so. Just know I appreciate it more than any of you can know, and I love you all for being so understanding and caring. You're incredibly special. Thank you.

Sam, I miss you... a lot.... please come back soon.

Rod, please check your most recent thread if you haven't.

I will get back to all asap, when I don't feel like my head is floating above me somewhere....

eor
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Old 06-05-2005, 07:24 PM   #13
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Re: Anger is out of control...

Hi Eor
So sorry to hear that you are not feeling well! I have been on a downward spiral even before the wedding. This week has been really hard on me. I even missed my thearpist appointment. I hope we both feel better soon.

Hugs and love,
Sam

 
Old 06-06-2005, 08:59 AM   #14
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Re: Anger is out of control...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Samantha317
Hi Eor
So sorry to hear that you are not feeling well! I have been on a downward spiral even before the wedding. This week has been really hard on me. I even missed my thearpist appointment. I hope we both feel better soon.

Hugs and love,
Sam
Oh, Sam. It breaks my heart when I hear you're feeling bad. Is there anything that happened in particular, or is the depression rearing it's ugly head more than usual? I'm sorry for whatever is causing it. I'm here for you if you need me. I'd do anything to see you not feel this way. How can I help?

Hoping and praying for your happiness,
EoR
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Old 06-06-2005, 10:13 AM   #15
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Re: Anger is out of control...

::hugs:: i hope you feel better, even if i didn't really post anything in here

 
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