Aging/Depression - Aging Issues Message Board

BoxerDogSM · 05-27-2002, 07:35 PM

My dad will be 73 years old this year in about 2 weeks. He used to love to golf. I am my father's daughter and live with him. He lost his wife my mother about 5 years ago. I am divorced and have been for a number of years. It was my mother's desire that I move in with Dad so he wouldn't be alone. For almost 5 years we have been to some golf outings and other fun
things. He has been saying the past couple of weeks he is going to quit golf going to hang it up. He doesn't enjoy it anymore so why do it - he can't hit the ball anymore. My friends and I have tried to tell him that golf has it's ups and downs. He hits a nice straight ball and gets mad when he can't get it to the green. Some background - he had a skiatic nerve problem and went to an accupuncturist who seemed to take care of the problem. After 2 treatments Dad said he wasn't going back anymore. I said why because you have no pain now, right? (He was sitting on the couch all day and not doing much). He said no he will always have pain as he has another problem with his leg - smoker's veins, which his doctor said could be taken care of by exercising. I told him he should not be sitting on the couch - should have gone back to therapy this winter. About a year ago he had a mild stroke and was very fortunate to come out of it great. He will not quit smoking and will not exercise. He also was told by his doctor (not the accupuncturist) that the skiatic nerve problem seems to be arthritis in the curve of the spine and that he should go to a neuro-surgeon for his opinion. In the meantime Dad met the owner of this golf course and got to talking - seems this man has had 2 back surgeries and neither one has helped him. Now Dad doesn't want to go to the neuro-surgeon. I asked him to please go as it is just an opinion and he doesn't have to have the surgery that maybe surgery isn't required. I don't know what he plans to do and feel I shouldn't mention it to him. He did say he would golf with me but not in anything where money passes hands - it's not fair to the group or his partner. He has mentioned in front of the group he is not going to Lima to golf in August. He does not want to take medication. It's hard to get him to take an aspirin a day as advised by his doctor. He has told me he just wants to die and let my brother (who has his own family) and I get on with our lives. No amount of talking changes his mind. I did get him to say he would golf with me on Friday nights - a couples league after I started crying. What advice do you offer? Should I not go - I sure would miss him and don't want him to die. Please give your advice and thanks much.

Tara Carlow · 05-29-2002, 02:51 PM

It sounds as if your father is depressed. My father is 80 years old and lives alone after my mother died in March. He and my mom both had depressed personalities when I was growing up. My mom got better as she got older but my father got worse. His doctors has him on some medication now that I hope will help him. It is supposed to make him feel better after he takes it for a month.

If your father won't accept help, it might help you to talk to someone about your feelings. I did and it helped me cope with it a lot better. We can only do as much as they will let us, and then we have to take care of ourselves.

I wish you all the best.

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beebauser · 05-30-2002, 07:21 AM

Boxer,
I also agree your dad is depressed (my opinion) I lived with my mom after my dad died and she never got over it. She was depressed till the day she died.
I do wish I had pushed her more to get help with it, but that generation was not up on depression like we are. they think its for the nuts! So I know most are not open to treatment. But maybe you could mention it to his doctor if you go with him.
I hope he has a doctor he likes and trusts, this can help too.
best of luck to you and dad
bee

Aster · 06-04-2002, 01:52 PM

I also believe he's depressed and meds MIGHT help. I say might because, after my mom died my dad was not only depressed, he went crazy. He was delusional and aggressive while on meds to counteract this stuff; it wasn't enough. For 3 years I looked after him; no way would I have let him live with us, though. He was too demanding and abusive. He was in nursing homes for 3 years and then died after recovering from double pneumonia, 2 strokes and then an intestinal obstruction (from dehydration in my opinion)finally did him in. He demanded I "let him die" , he wanted to so badly but of course his doctor would not even discuss it. He even cursed me a week before he died and attempted suicide right in a nursing home which of course made the local papers. It was a total nightmare and my husband stuck by me while he sued both of us and lost. Match that story. You have my gravest sympathy. Call a doctor; sometimes threats work to make them take meds. Aster

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Aster

claujuh · 07-02-2002, 11:57 AM

my mom was depressed til the day she died too; my dad died 12 years before she did. i think about that alot, how sad it will be if my husband dies....we have been married almost 25 years. when the one you have spent your whole adult life with leaves, maybe there is no way around the sadness.