I need support from aging parent caregivers - Aging Issues Message Board

miatakat · 12-09-2002, 09:22 PM

I am new to the board and am hoping to share similar discussions concerning the care of an elderly parent. I recently had to put my father in a nursing home and am suffering from guilt and sorrow although it is mostly his own fault that he is there. I have dealt with him over the past 10+ years not taking care of himself and refusing any suggestions from his kids to make his situation better. I am on the brink of madness and need advice on how to cope. Thanks in advance for your help in any way.

Kentuckymom · 12-11-2002, 11:39 PM

Hi there,
I know what you're going through......we had to put my mom in the nursing home back in January. We hated to do it, but she was getting worse and harder for us to take care of(she has Alzheimer's Disease). After she went, we were really glad we did put her there, because she just loves it there.
Please don't feel guilty.......putting your father in the nursing home is probably the best thing for him right now. They will be more apt to listen to the nurses and staff there, such as bathing, taking medicine, etc., alot more than they will listen to us.....I know that was the way my mom was.
I hope this helps some.

De Lou · 12-12-2002, 03:04 AM

Hi-

First off let me start off by saying do not feel gulity. Alot of people think that since thier parents took care of them when they were younger they should do for them in return. However for alot of people that can not be the case. I work as a Nursing assistant I have done it for years. In a nursing home they should recieve 24 hour care and someone always looking over them. there are alot of things that later on in life end up being hard for family to do on thier own. I take care of people who can walk, who can walk with assistance, who take 2 people to put them to be and some we use a machine on to lift them up. Day to day home care can be very stressful. And I am sure it is alot harder when it is a family memeber.

As I have said I have been doing this for years. I love what I do. For me there is no other job I would rather be doing. I enjoy taking care of the people I also enjoy talking with the families. I always try to make all my residents feel as if they are part of my family. There are alot of us out there like that. If there is one bad egg in the group. There are always afew more to make up for it. Try and get to know the care givers and create a bond. That way you will know for sure how everything is going for your parent.

Also please keep in mind visitation is so important. So visit as much as you can. I know lives are all hurried these days. I have 4 children and a husband and a full time job. So I know its not easy to always drop on by. But its importnat to do it when you can and when you do you will see there is no reason for you to feel gulity knowing hes in good hands. Surprise visits are the best so you can see first hand how he is doing. Remember alot of us aides love what we do. It is a very, very, very..... Rewarding job. Plus you get new family memebers while doing it. Really I don't even look at it like a job. My children know what I do is important to the people I take care of and to me. My Husband always tells me to quit as I have MS and he makes more than enoght money to suport us but I would not give it up for the world.

So all in all (as you can see I always go on and on in my posts) don't feel gulity. Just let him know you are still there....

Take care!!!!
De

veree · 12-14-2002, 07:52 AM

1 1/2 years ago we had to put my husbands mother in a nursing home. Many times we found her in her apartment where she had fallen and laid all night. (even though she had a medical alert button which she didn't want to use because she didn't want to bother anyone). Putting her in a nursing home was the best thing we could have done. She looks better than she ever did and we know she is being well taken care of. She is also around other people whereas in her apartment she sat from morning to night in her chair many times even forgetting to eat. Do not feel guilty. I must admit we did at first but after being out there A LOT and seeing how content she is we feel so much better.

Missy2001 · 01-07-2003, 02:54 PM

I don't have anyone (other than my husband to talk to about this, and I really can't talk to him because I'm so ashamed of the way I feel). His father lives w/us & is in pretty good health to be in his mid 80's....... But sometimes I miss things the way they were before he came to live w/us (alot). I feel so guilty for feeling this way....I know we're providing help & mostly companionship for him and I know know it's the right thing to do.....How can I get past this and stop feeling this way? I don't feel "at home" even though I live in my own home. Any encouraging words anyone can give me will be appreciated.