I'm going to be 52 this year. It has finally hit me that I'm not sure what I am doing with my life. I keep thinking I can start over and do what I want and then I remember how old I am. I started working again about a year ago and finally found a company I really like about 4 months ago. I only run labels from a computer program, but the money and the benefits are awesome. I know I should be happy I have a job. I had 9 brain operations within 2 years 14 years ago. I have a husband of 20 years who has stood by me through all of it and 2 boys (14 and 15) who are miracles in their own rite. I was operated on while pregnant with both of them. I have worked since I was 18 except for the times I couldn't when I was ill. I never finished college, but I learned quickly and well and was able to have some very good jobs. I am waiting to see if I have gotten the Human Resources Assistant position at the company I work for. This would be the job I've been working towards. One minute I feel I'll get it and the next I just know I won't.
Besides the job issues I've been dreaming about all the people in my past. I get very sad when I think about them and what could have been and all the stupid mistakes I've made.
I thought at this age I was suppose to be satisfied with myself and my life. I'm tired of being tired and sad and just plain 'ol blah.
Has anyone gone through this and survived? Have things gotten better or do I just learn to live with it.
Now that I have brightened everyone's day - thanks for listening.
Yes, I have gone through this self-renewal process. I see such personalized self-reflections as the stuggle for self-realization. A mature mind works toward a continuing self-development.
Metaphorically speaking, one begins to clean out the attic and basement of one's inner house, making room for more important and realistic life changes, as "The Nexus Experience."
C. G. Jung called the experience "the process of individualization," and Dane Rudhyar called the individualing experience "the process of personality development." These processes of self-development take decades of experience to realize as self-actualization.
Throughout our lives we collect a lot of baggage along the way, holding on to things we think we cannot do without; and then the time comes when we realize that a lot of what we thought we needed just is not worth keeping anymore; so we start to revision our lives in a more worthwhile and meaningful way as mindfulness.
And in other ways we realize just how well we did do under extremely difficult circumstances, how we survived such difficulties mentally and physically, and we start making amendments to our life experience by evaluating and discarding, "letting go" of the use-less items of our lives. We keep the more value-able experiences of our lives in mind, and we start looking for completions to the "no-things."
Through self-reflection we can glean a worthwhile life experience from what we have grown through by revisioning our past efforts, as future orientations and mindfulness. As for myself, I get a great deal out of reading novels or watching films dealing with science fiction themes in the now-present, as future aspirations.
H. G. Wells, Olaf Stapledon, and other Sci-Fi writers more or less show the way towards thinking in terms of "Eonic Consciousness." Such writers offer a broader perspective of our human horizons. "Taking The Quantum Leap of Consciousness" is a worthwhile way to stay current with the self-organizing universe, all the while aging gracefully.
No one can sanction your life better than you can.
[This message has been edited by chiron (edited 04-10-2003).]
Yes you did brighten my day! It sounds as if you believe that opening your heart a little would bring everyone down. Nah. I feel much the way you described. I'm the same age as you, I've been very sad for a long time about the many people I've cut out of my life for stupid reasons, and for the many people that have cut me out of their lives because of my stupid behavior. I'm not trying to out-stupid you here. Just trying to say that you're not alone. And for me, not being alone in the world is a real step up. I don't know if there's anything that I could say that would really cheer you up, except perhaps that I can empathize, and that I hope that my life is currently in a transition for the better. I've noticed my priorities are changing; I'm becoming noticeably less self-centered. I'm finding reward in doing things for others, and in being helpful. It may not sound like much of life (I guess it isn't), but I've struggled like hell since I was about 18 to become rich and famous, and have utterly failed. I am anything but rich or famous. But life goes on and so must I; I have to do something with my time and I wish to make it something useful and of benefit to someone besides just me (had enough of just helping myself).
I don't mean to say so much about myself except to let you know that you and I are not the only ones feeling the way you described. It's uncomfortable at best, and can be pretty painful emotionally, but we will grow and learn. I feel that as long as I don't succumb to the urge for isolation, I won't fall into my self-pity trap (which makes me want to isolate myself even more). And if I don't do that, and I stay involved with other folks, I will continue to learn. And perhaps my best efforts will turn out to be those that I've been able to pass on to others.
Was wondering whether cnl2138 got the Human Resources job? and just in general how you are.
I know when people hit 30, 40, 50 years of age they tend to often look at life in retrospect. I guess it takes skill or just not caring to grow older and not give a damn, but we all have to go through the aging process.
I never realised till i read some of the posts how some people are totally afraid and depressed about various aspects of aging. I recently met an 85 year old lady who was a customer at my work and she was an utter inspiration. She just seemed so cheerful and even wore pink glitter lipstick!! She said she always made it a point to move with the times and keep up with what the youth of today wore and listened to music-wise. She admitted to having down days when she'd wake up in the morning and think back to the past, and would get a bit down and depressed. The moment that happens she said she never sayed in bed, but got up and went out. She was such a darling and i hope i end up with her attitude, actually just making it to 85 and being reasonably healthy would be magnificent!!
i turned 49 in april this year and i feel like you do
what is left for me now? i feel old yet i look young my life seems empty yet i have a lot of teenage kids living here with me
when i listen to their laughter i feel like its too late for me....im just too old......how do i stop feeling like my life is over///i suffer from agoraphobia and that keeps me trapped and caged into my own hell
each day i wake up scared to face the day
help can this kind of thinking pass..can we move on and be happy as we watch the passing years with regret for things left undone in our youth?...how can we stop the feelings of being too old stopping us from living?
is 49 too old?
peaches
What am I going to do at this age? 
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