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Old 10-26-2004, 04:28 AM   #1
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Elderly Father In Law

Hi Im not sure if I am even posting in the right place but here goes....When I met my partner just over 3 and a half years ago, his mother had recently passed away.......roughly 5 or 6 weeks before we met....Anyway over the next 6 months I met his father a few times and I actually quite liked him...Anyway once my partner moved in with me the following year my problems started.....His father rang up one week and told us he was coming down for the weekend... I didnt have a problem at all with it as he lives a 2 hour drive away and like I said I quite liked the man.....Well that was just the beginning...He then started ringing EVERY second week and TELLING us he was arriving ( he never ever asked if we were busy ) Just told us what time he would be arriving on the Friday and that he was staying until late afternoon Sunday...I put up with this ALL that year......Anyway early the next year I found out I was pregnant....I was quite sick in that pregnancy ( I am type 2 diabetic ) and started to really get on my partners back telling him it was just too much to be babysitting his father EVERY second weekend....Dont get me wrong I understand he is lonely, but this was like 2 yrs after his wife had passed away and he also has other children that live near us as well....He also has a LOT of friends where he lives, so its not like he is this poor old lonely man trapped in his house 24/7 alone....Anyway I spent my WHOLE pregnancy arguing with my parter and the icing was on the cake when the father inlaw TOLD us he was coming to stay the VERY night I got out of hospital from having my baby girl....He rang up and said he was coming and I MADE my partner tell him NO....The FIL then proceeded to have a go at my partner and said a few choice words I cant say on here.....I was just so angry All I thought was how dare you !!!! I have just given birth, I am exhausted and you have the cheek to get angry.....Anyway a couple of days later I rang him myself and pretty much told him look its just too much for us to be having ANYONE stay over right now and we would love you to come visit for the day so you can meet your grand daughter, but for the time being we dont want anyone staying over....He came that weekend and met his grand daughter, and then proceeded to only visit twice in 8 months ( he was that angry that we had actually dared to say no to him ) When my daughter was about 8 months old he finally rang one week and yet again TOLD us he was coming for the night that weekend.....I was ticked off that he hadnt bothered to ask, but kept my mouth shut as I thought well we havent seen him in a while....He then tried to do it all over again....The every second weekend lark for the WHOLE weekend...I will quickly point out I am going in to have ANOTHER baby in under a week by the way....I just straight out told my partner LOOK I am looking after a young baby carrying another baby and its just TOO much to have your father here all the time......So then my partner started to try and put him off a little IE only being available to have him stay only ONE night and putting him off every now and again so we dont have him every second weekend....Anyway since we have been doing that his father has become quite narky towards me and can be quite rude sometimes.....Its actually got to the stage that I can no longer stand the man......He is constantly picking on me and my mothering skills etc and is just really argumentitive....Now for the very FINAL icing on the cake....2 weeks ago he made a very rude and sexually suggestive remark to my baby girl who just turned 1...He was going inside to use the bathroom and asked her if she would like to come hold it for him I just about fell off of my chair...He then proceeded to say maybe not now , but in 25 yrs and I will be dead by then.....When he left that day I told my parter I wasnt happy about the remark and it just ended up in YET another argument....FIL then came the weekend after and made yet ANOTHER remark to my baby girl....He was standing up holding her and she was playing around with his ear.....He turned around to her and said " well you are always guaranteed of one thing, you will always have one more hole than us blokes " That was the final straw for me...I told my partner that night I AM NOT HAVING THAT MAN IN MY HOUSE AGAIN......My partner is claiming his father is going silly in the head, but I just dont buy that...I have spokent to other members of their family and they have told me he has always been a very crude man , but not towards children that they have noticed.......This has turned into all out war between my partner and I Im sure he thinks I am using this as an excuse to stop his father from coming here, but I dont want him here because I DONT TRUST HIM ! I had already told my partner that when this next baby arrives I dont want his father staying here anymore anyway, it will just be too much looking after 2 babies only 13 months apart......I am just so torn up about this......My dad says the man is one of 3 things, 1. he is going loopy ( which I dont believe ) 2. he cant be trusted around children. or 3. he is doing EVERYTHING he can to get a reaction out of me because he is SO TICKED OFF ! He has got worse the past few times he has been here, and I believe its because he KNEW I would be putting a stop to him staying again......Anyway like I said I really dont know if I have come to the right place for advice on how to deal with this situation and I just dont think that really this problem can be resolved.... I am adamant that I will not have him staying here AGAIN...The safetly and well being of my babies comes first.....and even if he isnt a pedophile, I dont want him talking to my children that way......I am actually feeling physically sick at the thought of having to see him in the near future when he wants to come meet his grand son after he is born....The way I feel right now I never want to lay eyes on him again.....Im just so terrified of this tearing my family apart Im so sorry this post is sooooooooooo long, but I think I had to really give a good picture of what has been going on these past years.....
Any advice would be greatly appreciated and by the way he is 76 years old....Still fit and healthy and got his wits, so I think using the lonely old guy that lost his wife routine is getting old after going on for 4 yrs.....
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DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004

 
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Old 10-26-2004, 07:53 AM   #2
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twanger HB User
Re: Elderly Father In Law

To make this simple - that man should never, and I mean never, step into your house again. Period. If your partner wants to meet him for lunch or go to visit him, fine. That man does not respect you nor does he respect your children. He has to learn to respect people and if he is 76 years old, I doubt that will happen in his life time.

This will be a very hard thing for you to do because people will say that you are wrong and you will start to second guess yourself.

However, you are a person who deserves respect. I am 57 years old and did this one before. I know how torn up you feel doing it. I had to do it to my own father and did not see him for 20 years. About a year before he died we got in touch again and believe it or not he knew to respect me or I would not see him again.

As a result, when he died we had a relationship that worked. It was not easy for those 20 years but looking back I would do it again. I learned to respect myself and my children. In addition, you are responsible for protecting your children against anyone, including a member of the family.

Even if he doesn't do anything to them, he will teach them to disrespect you and others.
He is not a good person at this time.

Last edited by twanger; 10-26-2004 at 07:55 AM.

 
Old 10-26-2004, 03:09 PM   #3
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haleysmum HB User
Re: Elderly Father In Law

Hi Twanger and thanks so much for your reply....I really dont know how I can stop him coming here completely, but my mother suggested that when he does come to just NOT be here....Eventually he will get the point.....I think my partner must be living in some kind of dream world Just last evening we were sitting outside ( its almost summer here in Australia ) and we were discussing when I go in to be induced to have my baby in 5 days....He turned around and said maybe I should ring dad to help with lifts to the hospital etc.....My partner doesnt drive I turned around and said I have told you I am not having him stay here anymore and the way I feel at the moment I dont want anything to do with him, my partner turned around and said well I dont want anything to do with your family then ! I mean how childish and ridiculous....We hardly EVER see any of my family and more to the point my family arent making remarks to my baby....This doesnt bode well for me having my partners support if he can totally disregard what I have been saying and say lets ring dad I just feel so sick about this I have been warring with my partner now for almost 2 yrs about his father and have about had a gutz full ! But I WILL NOT be brow beaten or swayed on these recent issues....I have always been quite shy around his father and dont say a lot when he ticks me off, but I really dont think it will take very much for be to just go off my head at him right now....I dont want him anywhere near my children....I do actually plan on when he rings my partner ( and god help my partner if he doesnt make it clear he isnt staying over ) to arrange coming to meet his grandson on NOT being here.....Eventually he will have to know something is going on and my partner will have to tell him.....I guess this is the chickens way out, but I just dont like confrontation and feel that this is something my partner should deal with considering its HIS father..... You mentioned not talking to your dad for 20 yrs, is this because he was inappropriate with your children ( if you dont mind me asking of course ) The only thing I can say is I have been given a warning and by god I will take heed in it and protect my children from him....Wether it be physically or just his foul mouth Again thanks for your reply
__________________
DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004

 
Old 10-26-2004, 06:47 PM   #4
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Re: Elderly Father In Law

No, my father was an alcoholic. My children were young at the time and I did not want them to go through what I went through. I did not want to hear his alcoholic ramblings and behavior.

Before he died, he was still a very heavy drinker, but he called when he was somewhat sober and if he was drunk I told him that I would not speak with him.

By this time, my children were young adults and could understand what was going on. If he called they knew how to handle the situation.

Good luck with your quest and don't put your children through any inappropriate behavior and that includes verbal.

 
Old 10-28-2004, 03:49 AM   #5
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Re: Elderly Father In Law

Hi just thought I would add a quick update for any who may be interested.....The old so and so has rang up and TOLD us he is coming here on Sunday, I go in to be induced Sunday night Like where is his sensitivity that I may actually be busy getting ready to go into hospital or may actually be feeling very scared etc.....I didnt even get a chance to put him off on the phone, he just bombarded me that he was arriving....I have told my partner you ring him tomorrow night and tell him NO and deal with this or I WILL and I wont be polite....I just cant believe the man.....It would be nice if just ONCE he would actually ASK if its OK or if we are busy...I really hate him and have had it to my back teeth with him.......I re-iterated to my partner AGAIN I dont want his father around me right now IF EVER.......I dont want it just swept under the carpet the disgusting remarks he made to my baby daughter....My mother is at a point of ring him too She said if Jules ( my partner ) doesnt ring him tomorrow night I WILL and it wont be pretty.......Is the old swine really that thick skinned and naive or is he just be a forceful demanding old man ?????
__________________
DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004

 
Old 10-28-2004, 06:27 AM   #6
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Re: Elderly Father In Law

My gosh! I am simply seething reading about your partner's father and his nasty attitude and behaviour. You really need to be firm with Jules, and cut him no slack about this situation.
I have a question, where does he sleep when he comes to see you? If you have a bedroom for him, you might try getting rid of the bed and turning into a playroom for the children. You have to make it impossible for him to stay with you. I think you've been too accomodating (not that you've had a choice) but if there's nowhere for him to sleep, what can he do?
I sure don't envy your position. I hope things work out and congrats on the new baby.

 
Old 10-28-2004, 07:23 AM   #7
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Re: Elderly Father In Law

Again, he should not be able to come because he is not there to help. It will take him a long time to understand what you are saying because he doesn't want to. He is either clueless or just dumping his past anger on you.

This is first, a time for your family to get acquainted with a new person coming into the world. And second, it is an emotional time for you and will be for the next 6 months, at least. Your hormones and entire body had to change in order to carry the child. These hormones will be unstable for several months and you need all the rest and peace that you can get in order to get them back to normal.

This is not the way your new child should be brought in the world. Their brains and emotional centers are forming at this time and if you are upset, your child will be just as upset.

Don't do it.

 
Old 10-28-2004, 02:38 PM   #8
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haleysmum HB User
Re: Elderly Father In Law

Hi again and thanks for the replies
DonnaJ , in answer to your questions about where he sleeps....In the living room....I use to have a sofa bed in here that we use to pull out for him and then recently I brought a new one that DOESNT have a pull out bed LOL He stayed on it for the first time a fortnight ago and ended up sleeping on the floor LMAO...It a lovely comfy suite, but not to sleep on and he isnt the thinnest of men LOL He said he would bring down his roll out mattress next time Honestly I think there is no STOPPING this man, without someone having to be rude to him, which I think in the end will be ME
Twanger you are exactly right about needing my rest and my emotions etc.....Its going to be tough anyway looking after 2 babies, let alone putting up with him......Its honestly NOT going to happen......I am pretty much going to force a showdown with the man one way or another......and the start of it will be, when he tries to come visit his new grandson, we arent going to be here ! It might take me doing this a few times, but eventually he will have to either ask my parter whats going on or confront me on the phone.....Anyway I will keep you updated on the situation, I must go get ready to see my doctor this morning....Thanks again for the replies
__________________
DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004

 
Old 11-04-2004, 04:56 PM   #9
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Re: Elderly Father In Law

OK HERES THE LATEST UPDATE !
I gave birth to my darling baby boy on Monday afternoon at 2.02 pm He is absolutely healthy and perfect
Now to an update on my darned FIL, bear in mind I only gave birth not even 4 days ago and he has ALREADY started harrassing us and leaving rude messages on the answering machine I only got out of hospital just over a day ago.......I got home from the hospital and there was 2 messages from him asking my partner what was going on ???? My partner did ring him on Monday night to let him know that his grandson had been born and was well and healthy, so its not like we havent contacted him ! Then Thursday afternoon he rings AGAIN, saying he was ringing to see how things were going....Thats fair enough, I dont have a prob with that, but we couldnt pick up the phone to him as we were busy with both the babies.....Remember I also have a 13 month old.....Anyway just over 3 hours later at 7.40 pm he rings AGAIN and leaves a nasty messages saying this " If you dont want to talk to me then FORGET IT ! Its the old man here I AM RINGING TO SEE HOW THINGS ARE , but if you dont want to talk to me then FINE !!!!!!! and hangs up......All of this was said with a rude tone in his voice I just cannot believe this man ! Where is his sensitivity and understanding ??????? I have only JUST given birth, am exhausted and trying to take care of 2 babies and he is harrassing us and getting annoyed because we arent JUMPING to speak to him when he rings or ringing him back IMMEDIATELY !!!!! I have now FINALLY come to the end of my rope with this man ! I have written a letter to him which I am posting shortly...I have told him in the letter that his son is avoiding him because we dont want to be bombarded with visitors days after me getting out of hospital and that I am sick of him TELLING us when he is going to arrive and leave and not even bothering to ask us if we are busy etc.....I have also told him I am furious at the recent comments he has made to my daughter and HOW DARE HE ! I have ended the letter saying that he and NO ONE else is staying here anymore as I have 2 babies to care for....and last but not least that his son will be visiting him at HIS home in future and that I am sick of him not showing ANY respect.......
I feel I have NO other option to deal with this man......My partner WONT and I cant handle anymore So therefore feel the only way to deal with him ! I am already exhausted and stressed from the birth and looking after the babies without putting up with his crap and stressing over it..........Do you guys think I have done the right thing ?
__________________
DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004

 
Old 11-04-2004, 05:35 PM   #10
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Re: Elderly Father In Law

Yup, you made a great decision. If the guy can't respect you and your opinions then he has no right to even show his face on your property. Maybe you can give him certain days that he can come, but he shouldnt make the plans himself. Heck, its your house its your rules. Follow by them, don't let him boss you around.

Good luck, hun~

 
Old 11-05-2004, 10:04 AM   #11
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Re: Elderly Father In Law

Someone had to take a stand, and if your partner wasn't willing or able, then it was up to you. As long as Jules agrees, it sounds like a good plan. He can travel to visit his father if he wants to see him.
Congratulations on your new baby boy, by the way. You really have your hands full now.

 
Old 11-07-2004, 02:03 AM   #12
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Re: Elderly Father In Law

Hi again well I posted the letter which he should recieve in a day or two....I feel a little apprehensive, but relieved at the same time.....I finally have my partners support on this thank god...The FIL has rang twice today He rang at 9 am this morning demanding yet again "what the hell is going on" but then he rang at dinner time tonight not quite so rude asking us to call him or something.....I started to feel a little bad, but had to remind myself why we are doing this ie the comments to my daughter and the bossiness....Oh well he will know why we have ignored him in the very near future....Will post again to let you know what fall out we get when he recieves the letter !
__________________
DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004

 
Old 11-07-2004, 06:21 AM   #13
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Re: Elderly Father In Law

Good job Haleysmom! Keep us informed on whats happening!

Euclid
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Old 11-13-2004, 03:28 AM   #14
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Re: Elderly Father In Law

Hi just thought I would quickly post that he would have recieved the letter 5 days ago and we have heard NOTHING .....In a way I am glad to be honest, but in another way I think well he obviously doesnt think that what he was doing was wrong as he hasnt tried to apologise...Anyway will post again if we do hear anything
__________________
DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004

 
Old 11-13-2004, 04:45 AM   #15
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Re: Elderly Father In Law

You know, he sounds really desparately lonely to me. Has he dated at all since his wife died??
Can anyone suggest to him things he can do with his time (volunteer at a hospital, school, meals on wheels, animal shelter, etc). He just has WAY too much time and too many loose strings and no one at home anymore to be with.
My mother calls me ALOT since my Dad died (luckily not as intrusive).
Just wondered if you had thought about him being alone and at loose ends since she died as a reason for his behavior...

 
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