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Old 08-31-2005, 12:17 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: East Sussex, UK
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Miowki HB User
Family problems with Grandma's welfare

As an English newbie I have been lurking on the message boards for a little while now and have become very impressed with the help and support everyone gives to each other.

I would like to ask you all for your welcomed advice and will try and keep my message as incise as possible!

My MIL, who lives alone, fractured her hip just before Christmas 04. Her home is 25 miles away from ours. The afternoon of her fall she phoned without mentioning what had happened and asked to speak to my DH, he wasn't in..........................upshot was that I called for an ambulance and the rest, as they say, is history.

We have 3 sons, 1 by my first marriage and 2 by ours.

Grandma stayed with DH and me from the time she was discharged from hospital until a month ago when she moved into our youngest son and DIL's second home which they have recently bought, having rented out their first. Both of them are 26 and our granddaughter is 2 and a half.

This is wherein the problem lies! It was all done between DH and my backs. No consultation as a family at all despite the fact that DH and son have a joint POA.

Grandma pretended she didn't know anything about it but was happy to be with "little Millie" (GD)

DH and I had a couple of "run ins" with Grandma when we learnt of the plans and here I should explain things further.

My Father died at 61,my Mum was only 58 and all their married life she and Dad had lived with her MIL and DIN. My Aunt, whose only child was married and living in Germany had lost her husband just 6 months before my Father died. Way back in 1972 it seemed a sensible decision to gather everyone as a family and live in one house.

It was truly a quite happy heirachy, Grandma, then Aunt and then Mum, who all led their own lives whilst helping DH and me. (Yes, it was a very large house and grounds with space for everyone to do their own thing) As with every satelite family the occasional spat occured but nothing that a cup of tea could n't cure.

Both DH and I feel it's far too much for an 88 year old woman to expect to be cared for by 26 year old kids. Perhaps I should mention that our DIL's Father thinks they have bitten off more than they can chew. He's a kind man, adores his daughter to pieces and has admiration for his SIL but he does sometimes think that our son is too assertive for his own good, which is probably a sentiment agreed by all!

I have a problem, not for me but for Grandma, in that when DH and I were married I was 3 months gone with "our" eldest. She refused to see him until he was a year old yet at the same time I was pregnant with our firstborn she paid for her husband's niece to have an abortion. She adores my son by my first marriage but will not coutenance anything about our first born!

I talk to my cronies about this but of course they are so close to me and I would value independent opinions

Thank you so much

Cher

 
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Old 09-03-2005, 01:00 PM   #2
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Re: Family problems with Grandma's welfare

Your 26 year olds are old enough to know what they can and cannot do. When it gets too tough for them to handle it will be time to make other arrangements for grandma.

Let them enjoy each other for however long it lasts. If grandma reaches the point she needs more and more care, your son & DIL will not be able to take care of their children and grandma too.

My daughters at ages 19-20 took care of their grandmother while they went to college for a year. Then, they were ready for us to find another place for grandma.

 
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