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Old 07-17-2006, 11:51 AM   #1
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Question How to handle mother in the hospital?

My mother is in the hospital right now, basicly laying down helpless. She is constantly crying and complaining. I believe that personnal was trying to avoid her, also she much better bug one of us than ask them. She said that it is painful and shameful when they clean her. Also they don't come right away when she needs them. She can't eat anything there and needs to be cooked separately. Father needs to pack to relocate to different place with disability access but she wants somebody to come and be there almost all the time. My brother lives in a different area and I am working and have a family. Please, any suggestions welcomed.

 
Old 07-17-2006, 12:53 PM   #2
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Re: How to handle mother in the hospital?

Depending on how old your mom is, what her medical and mental condition is, she may be pulling your chain to get more attention.

It is possible your mom is frightened, not sure what her prognosis is, etc. Hospitals can be a frightening place especially for older people.

I know from experience that attention from the staff is almost none. Most hospitals run on a short amount of staff, which means each person has more patients to take care of than in the past.

I stayed at the hospital 24/7 with my parents when they broke their hips. It was the only way to be sure they recieved proper care.

Your mom can eat the hospital food even if she has a medical condition requiring special food, they do have various diets for patients needs (not wants), it will not be like home cooked food. A special treat once in a while of homecooked food is a treat, but, not every meal. Taking food runs the risk of food poisoning when kept for a period of time out of the refrigerator.

It is true, when anyone has a sore bottom, getting clean is not pleasant but we must endure, it is a necessity.

 
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Old 07-18-2006, 12:22 AM   #3
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Re: How to handle mother in the hospital?

Everyone who has to go in the hospital acts differently. My daughter is a nursing student and says you get all kinds of people. But that the ones who are difficult seem to get the least amount of attention because of their attitude. Some patients can be extremely mean, rude and even dangerous.

You will have to give her the tough love speech. Show up to talk to her without her knowing that you will be coming by. You want to show up unannounced to see if she is crying. First let her know that she will attract more flies with honey. That her attitude in the hospital could be pushing the staff away.

My mom was put in the hospital when my family and I were on vacation. She turned out to have atrial fibrulation and was in there for 7 days. She did not want to even let me know because she did not want to ruin my vacation. (I am an only child) My Dad ended up calling, but my mom insisted I not come home. That she was being taken care of and that there was nothing that I could do except just sit there with her. She was out of the hospital before I got back home, but I called several times every day for an update. I really wanted to fly back, but she was adament about me not coming home early.

Explain to your mom nicely that you have responsibilites to your family and to work and that you will call her everyday, but that you cannot bring food every day and will visit as much as possible. That she is in a very good hospital, with good doctors and nurses who are there to help her get well.

Give her some kleenex (if she starts crying) and tell her to cheer up that she has a whole family who loves and cares about her and that she will be fine at this great hospital with its healthy food. The food is not as tasty because it is low in salt and fat, making it healthier for people who are trying to get well.

Then I would call her several times every day and visit as much as you can without killing yourself. Have your kids draw pictures for her room and make her cards. Bring her a potted plant that she can take home. The pictures, cards and plant are there to remind her that she is loved and that people care even if they are not there.

Try not to feel guilty because you are only one person and you can not be all things to everyone. No one can.

 
Old 07-20-2006, 08:06 AM   #4
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Re: How to handle mother in the hospital?

It is very possible that personnal avoids her 'cause she is mean to them and then she wants us to replace them. It is impossible to tell her anything, 'cause she became very defencive and said "if it will be you...". She wants us to affect father and change him for her, so he wouldn't shout at her. He has a short temper but she is very good at pushing buttons. There are relatives who could of visit her but she has a theory that she sick because father took too much care of them not of her, which is ridiculas.

 
Old 07-20-2006, 10:45 AM   #5
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Re: How to handle mother in the hospital?

Your mom sounds like a very strong woman. She knows what she wants and is trying every way possible to get it. Like trying to persuade you to work on your Dad so he will do what she wants.

If you cannot reason with her face to face, then write her a letter and leave it with her. Tell her that she cannot expect you to cook her daily meals, be there 24 hours a day and change her husband's personality. Then tell her what you will do for her. Then do not bend.

It is impossible for her to get sick because of lack of attention from her husband. Tell her this in the letter and that she has to take responsibility for her own bad health. Did she eat healthy foods, did she exercise regularly, etc? If the answers are "no" then she is to blame. Sometimes people get diseases even when they do all the right things. It is no one's fault, just fate.

Tell her that her behavior is not only driving the hospital staff away, but her family too. That her life would be so much better if she changed her attitude towards everyone. No one wants to visit a yelling, demanding, negative person daily. There is a strong belief that your body heals better with positive, calming healthy thoughts.

So write that letter and get your brother to call her. You and your Dad are getting no where with your mom and perhaps your brother can reason with her.

Give her the letter and the minute she starts demanding unreasonable things or treating you badly, then calmly say that you are leaving until she behaves better and then leave. Don't yell like a child at her, just calmly leave.

The more you do this, the sooner she will learn that is she behaves badly you are just going to take off. Don't let your dad bully you either. They have to learn that you are an individual person with feelings and will not tolerate this any longer.

If I am way off base, then ignor this advice.

Good luck!

 
Old 07-20-2006, 08:27 PM   #6
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Re: How to handle mother in the hospital?

You advice has a lot of truth in it, but in case of my mother it is hard. Today she called me and ask to call father and ask him to call her. When I called him he was mad and said that he won't see her 'cause he has to pack for a move to a different appartment which he hates to do. He talked to me in a tone of voice like I am a guilty party. I can see that she uses me as a buffer.
I am irritated with her and feel bad at the same time.

 
Old 07-21-2006, 08:41 AM   #7
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Re: How to handle mother in the hospital?

Well,, first you need to get out of the middle between your parents. it's their marriage and their relationship and you have no place in it. Just as they have no placce in yours. Tell them both that you will not be a go between for them and then stick to it. And your first repsonsibility it to your family...husband, children. As long as she is in a place that can care for her - whether she allows them to or not - you've done your job. Check in with her daily on the phone and be pleasant. As soon as she gets negative, tell her you have to go and you'll call tomorrow. Then HANG UP. I had to do this with my mother and it really did work. Good luck!

 
Old 07-21-2006, 11:40 PM   #8
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Re: How to handle mother in the hospital?

Titchou is right. You have to be strong and stay out of the middle of your parents problem. I can see why your Dad was angry. Your mom is sick in the hospital, but she is controlling you and him from her hospital bed. If your mom asks for you to call him, say "no."

You must show your mom that you won't do her bidding anymore. That you have responsibilities that are being neglected. That she can pick up the phone and call her husband.

She needs to just relax and concentrate on healing. All this negativity and trying to get her family to jump at her demands is not healthy. Has she always been controlling?

 
Old 07-22-2006, 06:43 PM   #9
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Re: How to handle mother in the hospital?

I visit mother today and she was feeling bad and very negative. She was compalining that other people have more care, more family members who come and help. Yes she was always have things her way.

 
Old 07-25-2006, 11:32 PM   #10
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Re: How to handle mother in the hospital?

When your mom tells you that other people get more care, let her know that she is looking at the glass half empty. That if she doesn't appreciate what her family is doing for her, then she should have had more children. That you reap what you sow and then leave.

You should not have to put up with her criticism when you kill yourself to help her. The only way she will get it is if you leave everytime she treats you badly. Just because you are sick doesn't mean that you can continually treat your loved ones like dirt.

 
Old 07-27-2006, 07:56 AM   #11
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Re: How to handle mother in the hospital?

She was actually telling me that she regrets not having 3 kids, so third one will be better and took more care of her.
Her illness was some kind of benefit so she can do only what she likes and wants and others should do everything else. Than more I did for her than more critisism and unhappiness with me I was experienced and grandpa was same way.
I can't change person at that age and I feel resentment and sorry for her at the same time, also she was done a lot of good things I am greateful for.

 
Old 07-27-2006, 01:56 PM   #12
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Re: How to handle mother in the hospital?

Your mom is obviously a brutally honest person, however you seem to keep your emotions locked up inside. When she says something hurtful to you, can you be honest back and tell her that her remarks are insulting to you.

My mom can be brutally insensitive too. She talks before she thinks. I used to just take it and come home and complain to my husband. Then I started calling her on the rude, insensitive remarks. She makes up stories just like your mom.

The next time your mom complains that you are not meeting her needs tell her how you cannot believe she just said that. That you have done this for her and that for her all the while you are working, taking care of your own family, cooking, laundry, etc. You cannot believe that she would claim that knowing how much responsibilites you have.

Try calling on her rudeness.

 
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